the absolute worst
it was that time again: as a poor student, I was going to visit my mom. so I wore one of my funny T-shirts, with a drawing of a stickman hanging by his neck and the text "This man is dead". all fine.. until we got home, where one of my mom's friends and her son were also visiting. as I took of my coat and my shirt was revealed, silence blanketed the room. turns out the friend's fiancee had just committed suicide 2 days ago... by hanging himself.
(radja, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 13:45, Reply)

I hate Excell
Working with Excell, being still hung over, had utterly forgotten how excell "count" function worked. Turned to my old lady boss, and calmly asked "How does the cunt function work in excell?"
Hometime!!
(ibloodyhatework, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 13:41, Reply)

Not what i said, but what i did.
I used to have a little green mini cooper.
I was on my way to uni in it one wet november morning, and seeing a large puddle next to a bus stop full of people I decided to drive through it, soaking everyone.
The problem was the puddle was deeper than i thought and the water got into the engine, about 50 yards further on and in full view of the now drenched bus stop the car completley stopped.
needless to say i locked all the doors and managed to get it started again before anyone could drag me out and give me the smacking i so thouroughly deserved

Another quick one.
When i was younger my dad said to me "show a little more respect towards me and your mum. We've had to go without because of having you"
As quick as you like i responded with,
"no dad,its because you couldn't go with out that you had me"
(philthy, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 13:17, Reply)

Could also have been put under 'rude to a celebrity'
A few years ago, my boyfriend was invited to a sixth form ball by one of his mates. The school it was being held at (which his mate's cousin and a lot of his mate's friends attended) was an extremely exclusive girls boarding school with the daughters of some very rich and influential people.

At the ball, and feeling slightly out of place, my boyfriend proceded to get totally rat-arsed on the free wine. Then, he noticed that, among all the parents who had been invited, there was none other than John Gummer (you know, the Tory MP who fed his kid a beefburger in some ill-advised publicity stunt while he was Agriculture minister during the whole BSE crisis). So up he went to the man himself, and made a loud and 'hilarious' quip about burgers and mad cows. He doesn't remember exactly what he said (or indeed much of the rest of the night), but he quite clearly remembers the look of utter contempt from Mr Gummer.
(Chloe, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 13:09, Reply)

I'm not funny
At a party, a friend and I were discussing the fact that all "Same Heads"(Down Syndrome people. It's not my term, my friend kept using it) were always happy, or at least looked it. Ha ha ha ha oh how funny we are.

A lady stood with her back to us turned around and said "My nephew has Downs Syndrome". Well you can imagine my expression of deep sorrow and embarassment. But, it was all made better again when she followed with " and h'es a right miserable F**KER!"

Wicked.
(DirtyChurch, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 12:52, Reply)

If only John of "John's Not Mad" fame were to enter...
I bet he'd have a fair few stories of "foot in mouth" to tell.

e.g. "I accidently called my mum a slut on national television and spat at her. And I've accidently done that approximately 14 thousand times since. Oh the shame."
( Biffins Bridge, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 12:52, Reply)

A bit of "Who's ya father?"
A proud new Greek father, Stathis, explained to me that in his family the first born boys are all given the same "family" first name, "Stathis". So I think he himself had been a first son. I wasn't listening too closely, he might have said "Antonis", his brothers name.

His wife was still in the maternity unit having just had his first son.

I met her some months later and was engaging in the usual new baby congratulations. I momentarily couldn't remember exactly what I'd been told. I stumbled, mid gush, wanting to use the baby's name. So I blurted "It was Stathis? wasn't it?"

And got the reply "Yes! Who the hell did you think it was?"

Aggg. I've never had a chance to explain.

Oh well, if I'd blurted "It was Antonis? wasn't it?" instead, she could have thought I was suggesting she'd been shagging her brother in law. So, either way, I think I was doomed.

Hmmm. Maybe that was why she was so oversensitive.
(W1nst0n, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 12:42, Reply)

Dead mans chair
Not just me - but a whole office:
A few years back I started a job in the accounts department of a big dental company on a Monday, and everyone seemed very nice apart from one chap who was ever so shy and quiet. Wednesday lunchtime comes around, and Mr. Shy goes off as usual, and doesn't come back. Seeing as my chair was knackered I thought I'd borrow his for the afternoon. The entire office then spent Wednesday afternoon joking about where he'd got to, with the usual "perhaps he's been run over by a bus...."

You guessed it.

Thursday morning and the whole office is called to a meeting with the MD, who informs us that Mr. Shy had apparently gone, without telling anyone, for an interview with one of our competitors. The interview must have gone badly because as he came out of their offices he walked across a dual carriageway - right in front of a truck.

Cue me swapping chairs back quietly......
(Hog UK, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 12:36, Reply)

On my way back from a few too many beverages
I was ushered into the same tube by my drunken mates to "keep an eye" on one of our numbers alleged missus. She's pretty easy to wind up so I launched into a story about how I'd been paid £20 by her man to spy on her and report back to him on any extacurricular activities. Surprisingly (for me) the random bloke sat next to her took to this story rather badly, as it turns out they were on their way back to his.. Needed my Forrest Gump legs for that one, and the day after being chased through Notting Hill Gate by an equally drunken and enraged rugby player she managed to get away with having a right go at the boyfriend blaming it all on me. Slag.
(Watermelon, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 12:21, Reply)

Happened about an hour ago...
One of the guys in my dept (who shall remain nameless) called David was offering round some "treats" brought back from a trip to Germany.

"Sorry, couldn't get any German chocolate - would you like a sausage?" he enquired, proffering said miniature delicacies...

"no thanks", says I ... "They're famous for sausages you know" says he..

"Yes, famous for Pork sausages" I replied. Long pause while I wait for him to get it.

"And I'm still Jewish".

*heh heh heh*
(zarf, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 12:19, Reply)

cinema...
A group of about 15 friends went to see Matrix Reloaded and half of us went in to get seats whilst the others got popcorn, however on entering they went to the otherside of the cinema. Any normal person would have just walked over n got them but it was a big cinema, so I decided to half stand, wave and shout one of the guys names, not thinking it would actually work. "Wiilll!!!" the whole cinema stopped talking and looked round (i'm talking 500++), I even managed to time it so that the music stopped! to top it off someone else in the cinema having quick timing decided to shout "I love you!" of course it appeared to have come from me, even worse the friend was gay! hmmmm
(anudeglory, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 12:19, Reply)

Woke up at a party...
...to hear some hardcore breakbeat music playing right in my ear. I was trapped in a hot, stuffy basement and wanted out, so I loudly complained about this "music of frankly abysmal quality". Everyone went quiet, and Stu pipes up "actually I wrote that". Oh crap.

I stuck to my guns though and declared it to be poo and said it needed guitars. Oh dear...
(gavD, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 12:10, Reply)

just thought of
another one.
my flatmate's sister and her boyfriend work with autistic kids. we were in the pub with them once and they were talking about what it's like working with people who suffer from autism. i suddenly said, again for no reason whatsoever, "do thay have any special powers? can they, like, fly and stuff?"
they both take their jobs very seriously and were not amused.
( krang, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 12:06, Reply)

Common Mistake But..
The usual spell checkage foul up happened to a mate of mine while she was the PA for a very high up person in a government department. Sent out an official email with "Sorry for the inconvenience", which of course got changed to "incontinence".
Only it went to someone with crohn's (?) disease which apparently causes control problems with the old choccy starfish.

Oh, and walked in the pub, sat down next to my mates girlfriend who had her back to me and asked Why she'd dyed her hair. Turns out no bugger had told me the old one had been recently ousted for a newer model. I did finally realise when she turned to look at me and a very awkward silence ensued.
(CactusBert, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 11:57, Reply)

i was at a party
with my new flatmates. i was chatting to one of them about travelling, she told me she'd been to the world trade centre a few years ago.
for some reason i then said "did you go on the day they had that special ride on?"
there was then an awkward kind of silence. for the rest of the night.
( krang, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 11:50, Reply)

Walked into work one day...
..and there were more long faces than an aardvark convention. Even the boss, who was so chirpy you wanted to strangle him, looked glum.
"Bloody hell- who's died!" I quip, to lighten the mood...
"Well, you know C--- ..." - a quiet girl in the office.
Apparently she dropped dead the night before...

wah.
( hplasm, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 11:45, Reply)

Shit happens
In front of my friends (including gay couple) my Mum turned to my Dad and said “The dog’s done a poo in the garden……… best you get out there and do some turd burgling”.

Naïve Mother insists that she was unaware of the connotations.
(Jenska, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 11:41, Reply)

This happened last week!
I was round my friends boyfriends house with the two of them and he was showing me a funny text message on his phone, but i was laughing about the fact that 'anyone' had been spelt 'eneywone'. I kept giggling about 'first time i've seen 'one' spelt with a w!' and such like until my friend quietly said 'Yeah...he er has a bit of trouble with spelling'. It was then that i remembered he is dyslexic...

And i've known since the first day I met him last year...

I spent the rest of the evening wishing i was somewhere else and it never ever happened!
(Mogg Questioned her own sanity on, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 11:40, Reply)

I was once online talking to mates
through an instant messenger.. and my mate Holly had some guy on her msn list , i cant remember his name.. but anyway we were in a 3way conversation and i didnt know anything about him .. and so i said in a joking way.. whos ya daddy... and he said "my parents both passed away in a car crash when I was a small child.." i felt so bad.. but to make it even worse, he carried on with his 'boring' heartfelt story of how he was raised by his aunt and uncle and how theyd spend their sunday afternoons and blaahhhh blaaaaah .. im never making that mistake again!
(pyramid_mindfuck, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 11:28, Reply)

The Horror
As a youth I had a friend by the name of Conor (well, he's still a mate even if the bugger moved to Oz) who spent a great deal of his time round my gaff. One particular day we and my parents were sitting in the front room chatting away...they asked where his girlfriend was and me, being the wag that I am, decided to make something of the fact that it was a Sunday and she was from a frighteningly religious family. What I MEANT to say was, "she's probably wearing hessian and kneeling by her bed praying for forgiveness". What I ACTUALLY said (and, for the life of me I will never understand why) was, "she's probably kneeling by her bed in tight black underwear." It was the worst freudian slip of my life. Parents looked gobsmacked, Conor gave me one of those looks which suggested impending violence and I, for my sins, could only compound the issue with a simple, "oh, fucking fuck.". The end.
(The_Bishop begged for death on, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 11:01, Reply)

summer job
I had a summer job in a supermarket while I was at university.

I was packing people's shopping on the tills once when this woman turns up with absolutely tons of party food in two trolleys - all little sausages and vol-au-vents etc.

She was thoroughly miserable and I was in quite a jolly mood, so I said to her (by way of cheering the miserable bitch up)

"I think I can see a party coming!!" (imagine big grin across face as well).

She replied "Actually, its a funeral".

(now imagine the speed of disappearance of aforementioned big grin)
(bodger, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 10:57, Reply)

mate of mine
popped into the office. The secretary was heavily pregnant, and as a result of this, I suppose, had a hUUUUge arse.

He was coming in as she walked out of the door. He said loudly "Cor, your bums getting big isn't it!" we all creased up and she went red. He (apparently) had meant to say "bump"...yeah right.
(teasus likes tea, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 10:40, Reply)

My Gaffe
A comedian friend of mine has a big part of her show about how useless Rape alarms are if you are attacked by a deaf rapist. One night, after imbibing far too many drinks post-show, I, unable to conjure coherent sentences, quoted the immortal arting gesture....

"Don't run into any deaf rapists on the way home".

She still talks to me. I'm Stunned.
(domesticterrorist, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 10:31, Reply)

When I were at college
I congratulated my English Language teacher on her pregnancy.

Only she wasn't.

Also, at school I got caught trying to write translate "Mrs Wood (my form teacher or summat) is a bitch" into french by my French teacher. There were rumours that he was her secret boyfriend. He was certainly very upset.
(teasus likes tea, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 10:25, Reply)

twatberries
i was hanging around outside my mates house waiting for him to have a dump when 2 kids and a mother came along. the kids had spears made of tree branches and were stabbing anything in range. kid A says "mum, im hungry" doofus A (me) says "you could go catch your dinner with the spears. a nice juicy rabbit" mother A says "we're vegetarians, thank you very much" and stomped off with kids A and B in tow.

cue me shouting after them "well, you could stab some berries" in a pathetic attempt to not be a twat
(speedymarks, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 10:17, Reply)

Hot off the Press, and wasn't me
I was just having Friday work drinks, and a mate came to meet me. I introduced him to Pete - hello Pete, says my friend. And continues "so which one is your twunty Kiwi boss, the one you hate?". Ah. That will be Pete. Can't wait for next week...
( Strangey is present at, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 10:08, Reply)

I have a mate
called "Brain Dead Brian"
which was all fine and dandy till his dad died of a brain haemorrhage.
I managed to remember not to call him by his nickname for about a week.
Then, one night, not long after the funeral, a group of us were in the pub, and in walks Brian.
"Ey-up, here comes Brain Dead - where've you been hiding ?"
says I.
We're still mates.
( The Mighty Gusset Doesn't Care - And Doesn't Care Who Knows It !, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 9:50, Reply)

Dead person
Years ago at school, we knew this guy who's best mate had topped himself. We all retired to the pub to act uncomfortable and symapthetic. He was sat there, and suddenly said

"I just can't believe it, he's my best friend"

I piped up

"You mean he was your best friend"

Luckily, he saw the funny side of it. Christ, it was touch and go for a second.....I am a twat
(fried gold, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 9:44, Reply)

Football
My name is Ron Atkinson and at the end of a Champions League tie, I stated that I thought that Marcel Desailly was a lazy f**king n****r.
I thought the microphone was off at the time but it appears people watching television in the middle east could still hear me. As a result, I have lost my job.
Oh how I wish I hadn't opened my big, fat stupid mouth.
(keify34, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 8:41, Reply)

Renee Zellwegger
A couple of years ago, a firend of mine who was a drama student managed to blag the two of us onto the set of the first Bridget Jones film as extras. It was the big Public Schoolboy bitchfight scene between Firth and Grant and we were background diners in the Greek restaurant.

What had originally seemed like a world class blag became pretty boring after about four and half hours of watching two fops fumble at each other.

In a long break between takes, my mate and I got round to the inevitable conversation of whether or not we considered the divine Ms Zellwegger to be up to our lofty standards of procreation.

Bored and ratty, I responded just a tad too loudly, "Zellweger? No way mate - I'd rather shag your mother than that tubby cunt."

We were removed from the set very quickly to a stunned silence including a puce leading lady.

Apparently they had to reshoot some scenes because we'd fucked up their continuity. Good.
(Greatest Bloke, Fri 23 Apr 2004, 7:16, Reply)