In the name of science
I found that twatting a chimp with a baseball bat makes it "A bit irritable"

I also found that flung chimp poo flies further than you would think.
(Big D, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 18:14, Reply)

My kids claimed to have found a baby at Shell Island.
I said naaah, no way! People don't leave babies lying around!
But it was true.

They'd found a toddler of about 3 and a half, who'd sneaked out of the back of the family tent and gone off to find the beach.

She'd got stuck halfway down a little cliff thing thing, surrounded by spiky plants, and couldn't get up or down.

The kids and I formed a human chain and dragged her up to the top, and I stood her on the bonnet of my van so she could point out where she'd come from.

In the distance we could see a woman blundering about in more of the spiky bushes, dementedly calling a child's name.

I asked the toddler, who's that? and she calmly replied 'Mummy!'

Mummy was obviously fraught with fear. This was soon after James Bulger's murder, so I can imagine what was going through her head.

We attracted 'Mummy''s attention and the child was soon returned to her family.

When Madeleine McCann disappeared, I bet 'Mummy' thought of my kids and blessed them.
(Juan Quar, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 18:10, 1 reply)

right i`ve lost the will to breathe
CHANGE QOTW
PPPLLLLLLLLLEEEEAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEE
(IcyLady, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 17:59, Reply)

A few weeks back
One of my cats - not Basil the Smug Cat but Kitty the Flat Faced Cat - another rescue job - caught a mouse.

Nothing strange about that.

However, an hour or so after she'd caught this mouse I found three tiny baby mice foetuses on the path where Kitty had eaten the mummy mouse and spat out the babies.


They were all gone by the following morning.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 17:34, 4 replies)

An audacious claim!
I jsut found this:

swordfishtrombone invented the word Flolloping.

Myself and the missus have used this work for nearly 3years. It describes the act of a lady juggling her boobies.
(spikeypickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 17:28, 3 replies)

I found ALL THE KEYS TO THE NATWEST BANK
lyimg in the road, in a black leatherette pouch, next to the local branch.

About 18 keys, all sorts, including Chubb ones. I expect they were for the safes.

I handed them in to the nearby cop-shop and continued home. Within the hour a well-dressed but agitated middle-aged man was on my doorstep, offering me a large (but not vulgarly so) box of good quality chocolates.

He thanked me for returning the keys but wouldn't admit where they were from. I cajoled him a bit over it, as he pulled out a big hankie and wiped sweat off his forehead.
He looked to me like a VERY relieved bank manager.

The keys did belong to the Natwest bank, as the letter I had from the police a few weeks later confirmed.
(Juan Quar, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 17:25, Reply)

My teacher having a heart attack in her classroom just before the end of lunch...
Yep, that's right, I did.

She was grabbing her shoulder and making this wierd piercing screaming sound and pushing books off her desk. Which I personally thought was really melodramatic...

Thing is, I didn't really think too much about it at first and used it as an excuse to be naughty - threw my books on the floor, kicked them nice and hard, then walked over to her to help.

Must have been about 10 seconds of me looking at her and being defiant before I actually did anything - and if you think about it, thats actualy quite a long time and is also quite worrying.
(prang007, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 17:24, Reply)

I've been sitting here
All afternoon with a bastard of a headache.
I was looking in my desk for a pencil, and I came across a packet of Co-codomol. Fuck you headache!
( Cawl - King Of Wales, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 17:24, 5 replies)

I phoned a taxi
At a house party to do a quick pick-up for us as we were short of Vodka. I said get Smirnoff 70cl, and if the worst comes to the worst get own brand any old shite Tesco Vodka...

Half an hour later the taxi turns up with:



TESCO VALUE GIN


I don't recall much thereafter...

=edit=
Hmm let me rephrase that for the sake of QOTW.

When the Taxi turned up I found that he'd purchased......

TESCO VALUE GIN

sickysickspewspew followed
(TDW I will bite your face off, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 17:13, Reply)

Skid Marks in my Father's pants...
I know, shudder shudder. It was rank. And I think to a certain degree it make me respect him a teeny weeny itsy bitsy fraction less than I had previously.
Sounds drastic I know but there is something about a person who doesn't have the ability to wipe their own arse properly that really gets to me. It's as if it shows incompetance for the most basic tasks.
Urgh...
(prang007, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 16:53, 5 replies)

You'll find...
...Smee again! Goan f**k youself!

(Inspired by a classic joke www.anxietyculture.com/jokes.htm)
(The Incredible Sulk knows what you're thinking; on, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 16:51, Reply)