TRUE STORY
A wealthy man was killed in an accident and his face was badly
disfigured. The funeral director telephoned the widow and asked if she
had a frontal picture of him showing his face. She said yes and that
she would have it ready for him if he could stop at her home to get it.
When he arrived at her home, she was badly broken up crying her eyes out
and when he asked her for the picture, she said that it was 'over there
on the mantle'. He went and got it and told her that he would telephone
her to let her know when she could come down to the funeral home for the
viewing. Because they were quite wealthy, the funeral director called
in a cosmetologist to do an extra special job on the husband. After
awhile, the funeral director telephoned the widow and said, "Mrs. Brown,
you can come now and view your husband.' When she entered the reposing
room, she let out a shriek amid much sobbing. This was to be expected as
they had been a close-knit couple. The only unusual thing is that she
did NOT let up after a little while and the funeral director approached
her and said that HE thought that her husband looked perfect and that
he'd even called in the cosmetologist to make sure that it would be an
extra-special job and that he thought that her husband looked exactly
like the picture. The poor grieving lady turned to him and said, "Yes,
but you put my first husband's face on my second husband!!!
(DigbyOBare, Tue 23 May 2006, 15:23, Reply)

Cant believe
that no-ones went for disco inferno or that ben folds five tune, going underground. surely begging to get played at funerals up and down the land!

as for myself, as the coffin dissapears behind the curtain, the last sight people will ever get of me the tune I want? signal by dj fresh.

if you dont know the tune it sounds like a dyson raping a spectrum zx and knowing my lot there will be shocking aplenty and dancing around zimmer frames- if i make it that long!
(luckymcdanger, Thu 18 May 2006, 15:11, Reply)

One of my colleagues
her husband was buried a few weeks ago. Cancer got 'im. The only song played at his funeral was "How Deep Is Your Love" by the Bee Gees. The obvious and irresistable answer of "about six feet" was the one given.
( Noit happy baby orangutan, Thu 18 May 2006, 15:05, Reply)

Off topic but... Hulk Rules!!!!!
I am having the song “Hulkster in Heaven” from his one time album Hulk Rules played at my funeral.

For those of you who have not had the pleasure of listing to this song it is an epic, souring, heart wrenching tale of a fan who died and one of the Hulk Hogan’s matches, it is so sad and heartfelt I burst into tears every time I listen to it!

Lyrics like "I used to tear my shirt, but now you tore my heart!" and “I wish Hulks love could bring me back again" are too simply too beautiful for words… well almost.

Listen to this album everyone, you may gain a new perspective on life and death.

Think I am joking?

www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000008PE1/qid=1147961181/sr=8-4/ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i4_xgl/026-3642892-5240404

x
(Minty Hit, Thu 18 May 2006, 15:04, Reply)

Homage to quentin,
My Gran died a couple of years back, and to be honest nothing will fill the void she's left.

On the day of the funeral i managed to hold it together quite well, bearing in mind that i was also entrusted to be a pallbearer. The ceremony went well and the wake afterward was occupied by people who we genuinely wanted there. All in all, pleasant...as funerals go.

Later in the day it was time for my parents to leave to reurn to Bristol. As soon as the car went out of sight i ordered my housemate to come to the pub with me and seeing as he knew full and well i was losing grip of the whole 'being strong' thing he duly obliged.

Walking to the pub we encoutered some street urchins....one of whom came out with the oh-so-origonal phrase; "Why the fuck do you look like one of them dicks from Resevior Dogs?"

Before i could even think of retaliating my mate leapt forward and hit the guy with such force it knocked his two front teeth right out. Blood everywhere...spectacular stuff.

My mate then shouts at the top of his voice..."BECAUSE YOU'RE A FAGGOT" (if you haven't seen the film, you'll get nothing from this).

It actually makes no sense as a conversation, but god damn did it brighten my day. And i'm glad i was with someone who knows me so well because put it this way, in the state i was in that day, i would have killed the Burburry clad mong. Now i just chuckle at the sight of my 5ft nothing mate leaping to my 6ft3 rescue!
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Thu 18 May 2006, 14:49, Reply)

er, OK, bandwagon it is then
Quick, before the QOTW changes! Ummm... I'd like "At Seventeen" played at my funeral, because I'm a self-pitying adolescent wanker. Or AC/DC's "Big Balls".
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Thu 18 May 2006, 14:48, Reply)

At mine
At my funeral I want the old BBC cricket theme played (Soul Limbo by Booker Ts) - no other reason than I just do and it's as random a post here as the rest of them.

/ahem
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 18 May 2006, 14:41, Reply)

Don't fear the Reaper!
Years ago a friend of mine was asked to tape The Beatles 'All You Need Is Love' for his uncles funeral music. Many a tear fell as the lovely song brought back memories of the deceased. It was all rather touching until nobody pressed the stop button as the song faded out and the sounds of The Jesus and Mary Chain's 'Never Understand' suddenly blasted out from the previously used cassette and panic set in as everyone tried to switch it off.

Still - you've got to laugh haven't you?
(DrTugnut, Thu 18 May 2006, 14:15, Reply)

In the Metro
I read that something like 1 in 4 Germans wants "Highway to Hell" played at their funeral.

Probably made up 'fact' but I like it.
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Thu 18 May 2006, 14:13, Reply)

Funeral songs
Picking your own funeral song is self indulgent wank and rather insulting to the people you leave behind.

Therefore I would like Scott Walkers 'Funeral Tango' played at mine as it would really piss off my family.

Haaahahaha-ha ha-haaaa!
(DrTugnut, Thu 18 May 2006, 14:00, Reply)

warts and all
the last funeral i went to was my lovely mother's, which was so recent and so tragic that i can't really bear to think about it yet. although there were over 700 people there and more lining the streets for the hearse like at a royal event.

but when my grandfather died a few years ago, it was much more expected. my dad was one of the pallbearers, and at the time was suffering from what he called a "great big ugly wart" (think strong yorkshire accent) on one finger.

this thing was huge. and crusty. and downright disgusting. he had been to the doctor to have it iced off 3 times, but to no avail; he had taken creams; he had done everything, but the bastard kept growing back.

as they slid my grandfather's coffin out of the hearse, it bumped and sliced the waaart right off my dad's hand. the blood was pouring down his wrist and into his sleeve the whole way down the aisle, and by the time he sat down, he was very very green indeed. he spent the rest of the day with his hand wrapped in a hanky and then a bandage.

the thing never grew back though. so clearly getting chopped by a coffin is the way to cure a great big ugly waaaart!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 18 May 2006, 14:00, Reply)

funeral songs
songs i wish played at my disposal service...

'straight to the light' fields of the nephilim

'wail of sumer' also the nephs

and the best?
'everybody hurts' REM. watch the buggers break hehehe

oh and the pirate captains song from 'muppet treasure island' to end on the right note
(unlawful odour i dunno..., Thu 18 May 2006, 13:38, Reply)

cremation
was on the way to a cremation... In the official funeral car, my friend turns to me and asks (in all total seriousness)

"can anyone else smell burning?"

Couldn't stop giggling all the way through the service.
(well its not going to suck itself yadda yadda yadda, Thu 18 May 2006, 10:45, Reply)

Very english day
The journey to some barely known family members funeral was pretty damn odd,but also great fun,and made me feel very english!

It was me (14 at the time,day before i lost my virginity actually) my mum,my uncle and my nan,all crammed into a tiny car,with my mum driving. We were in kinda Mildenhall area (basically,lots of farms,countryside and inbreds) and it was pissing down with rain.

We werent upset about the funeral,but it seemed a bit improper to be too cheery,so we were listening to The Smiths and having a good sing along.

Driving along,in the pissing rain,in the countryside,howling along to the Smiths,whilst off to a funeral. Fucking beautiful...
(Miharu, Thu 18 May 2006, 7:21, Reply)

Slug heaven
My daughters, aged 4 and 3, are very much in to insect funerals at the moment. The other day they found a dead slug in the garden, popped it in a matchbox, buried it in the herb patch, prayed a bit and sang a little fairy song in honour of it.
i dunno if that's cute or slightly weird.
(mudskipper, Thu 18 May 2006, 6:17, Reply)

Wardrobe malfunction
My father dropped dead extremely suddenly, just three days after the grand opening celebration he'd held after finally going into business for himself, leaving my mother enormously indebted and my school-age sisters and I berift.

As you can well imagine, in the midst of this dire tragedy, there was very, very little humor.

Until.

Until the day of the wake. Several of the family, including my sister's boyfriend, Paul, are in the car driving to the wake. As Paul exits the car, he suddenly looks startled and uncomfortable, and quickly grasps my sister's arm and stammers something into her ear, at which point she immediately bursts out laughing.

He'd managed to COMPLETELY split the seat of his suit trousers exiting the car.

An embarrassed crablike shuffle to the gent's room and a few scrounged safetypins later, he emerged looking chagrined.

Spent the rest of the wake trying to keep his back to a wall.

Also: My father had stated, often and vociferously, that when he died he wanted to be cremated and placed in Tupperware, as urns are a waste of money.

So. We did. Each of us is getting small plastic Tupperware container of dear old da'.
(herbivorous, Thu 18 May 2006, 4:07, Reply)

I had to laugh at my grandfather's funeral

I didn't like him.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 18 May 2006, 3:02, Reply)

Once, when I was at school
My teacher, Mr Jones bawled me out in front of the class for being late. He really laid into me about turning up on time, so much so, that I started to cry.

Obviosuly realising he'd gone too far, Mr Jones started to go easy on me, but by now I was in floods of tears.

"But I just wanted to know why you were late?" he said as he passed me a tissue.

"Be-Be-Because my Granddad got burned." I said through stifled sobs

"Oh My God!" he said, "Not badly I hope?"

"Well," I replied "they don't fuck about at the crematorium"
( Roland E O'Dorant R Tape loading error, 0:1, Wed 17 May 2006, 23:39, Reply)

FOR FUCK SAKE
This qotw is about fun funerals, most posts read like a Peter Kay joke.
More "eventually we pulled the carrot out and could finally fit her in the coffin" please!
( SiX and his hat, Wed 17 May 2006, 23:39, Reply)

At my uncles funeral I had to laugh,
everyone was crying and my uncle was dead and we'd never see him again. And he was a top bloke when he was alive and we all loved him very much.
Fucking hilarious.
( baldmonkey a frothy foul-smelling vaginal discharge, Wed 17 May 2006, 21:47, Reply)

Gran this is Mary... Mary this is my Gran...
my gran on my dads side kicked it a few years back, and it had been a long time comin so it was no surprise to the us. at the funeral though when the priest was reading out the names of her children (my faithers brothers and sisters, 9 of them) he started the list with the name thomas... cue puzzled looks all round as my dad and my aunts and uncles think 'thomas?'. it turns out my gran had had a thomas who died when he was 8 b4 any of the rest of them were born and never bothered tellin any1. mass hysteria ensued.

so that was a bit of shocker for them, but then the priest continues by telling us my gran was born out of wedlock, another fuckin shocker for everyone seein as how she was a total right winger and she had freaked out when my parents had me b4 they got married (they still aint).

anyway, after the cremation my aunts ask me if i'll pick up the ashes from the undertakers in a coupla days cos i stay the closest! way too much pressure but i cant exactly refuse. right?

so i do it. but as im on my way home i have to walk past my girlfriends work (she was a mangeress in poundstretchers at the time) so i decide to introduce them as they had never met. i had warned her i was gonna do it but she thought i was at the wind up, so as i stroll in, box containing urn under arm, her face drops and she turns white. her assistant manageress who she must have told about my 'wind-up' sees me and screams the place down while pushing me out the door.

"but dont you want to meet my gran? she wants to meet you"

apoligies 4 length and shitness. its my first time.
(Raol Duke, Wed 17 May 2006, 21:29, Reply)

my grandad died
..last month, i think? maybe before. anyway, everyone cried at the funeral but me. well, that sucked. the only good parts about the day was the story about my cousin's baby puking on him in the bath and nan saying that it was better to put grandad to rest than keep him 'shoved in a drawer somewhere'. that would have made him laugh. the correct term is fridge.

the moral is; damn you, cancer!
(reisu has a man on a ladder fetish, Wed 17 May 2006, 21:11, Reply)

A mouthful of mum
The club we go to hosts an annual boat trip on the Firth of Forth with full sound system and about 300 twatted party goers bouncing round on a small bucket with a bar called Maid of the Forth. The second year we went, we're having a beer a the pub in South Queensferry (it's just below the Forth rail bridge if you're interested) when a young lady who looks like she might have consumed a smallish to medium amount of recreational pharmaceuticals speaks to my mate.
"Great this club trip heh? I've brought my mum!"
Said mate replies "Oh yeah? She like clubbing?"
"No but she always loved the sea and I cremated her five days ago and I've come to sprinkle her ashes" she says waving a beautiful burgundy mock velvet bag from the crematorium containing the container with her mum in it.
Anyway we set of to sea and head out into the Forth with just a wee breeze blowing and loud loud dance music blasting out the sound system and a few hundred party goers consuming large amounts of alcohol and various other substances. The contingent could easily be described as somewhat twatted as the young lady with her mum climbs to a the highest point on the top deck where people are mingling and dancing and without any ceremony, opens up the tin of mum and throws the contents into the air - where it is swiftly taken by the wind and blown back over the party goers, many getting a good gobful in the process. E and mum - yummy! Not for nothing is the club called Mingin'
Me? I was down at the bar getting more beer and missed out on tasting mum's remains.

Mark (the baldy one)
(doubletrouble, Wed 17 May 2006, 20:29, Reply)

How many can you do in a day?
Our family funerals always tend to be quite jolly affairs in a way as we all seem to have quite a matter of fact attitude towards death and dying. So there we are in the pub after my dad's funeral, me doing the eldest son bit buying the drinks for all the family and friends who are reminiscing about my dad and generally getting rat-arsed and having a great time. Then my cousin who I hadn't seen for years turns up and grabs me. He's very apologetic for not making the service and I say not to worry, I'm glad he came anyway. Seems he went to the local crem down the road from where my parents lived at just the right time for the service and snook in at the back. However we were thirty miles away in another crem close to where my dad kept his narrow boat and where all his friends were. Seems cousin Pete sat through three funerals before he worked out he was in the wrong place. My dad would have had tears rolling down his face - and I have to admit to having a wee snigger too.

Mark
(doubletrouble, Wed 17 May 2006, 20:18, Reply)

Music at funerals.
Tricky one this. Like a lot of the suggestions, and for a long time I wanted to go out to 'Song from under the Floorboards' by Magazine. (You lot will all be too young to remember.) Anyway I reckoned it would stir a few guilty hearts.

Still, a story puts me off the idea. Way back lost in the mists of time I attended the funeral of a close mates brother (also a mate) after an unfortunate incident involving a bus and a tab of acid. (The bus was totally straight, believe.) Anyway the deceased was a bit of a hippy and his bro was too, and the tune was 'Goat Willow', a Hawkwind instro from the early 70's. A nice enough piece, and poignant and all that, the moment spoiled only by one of the deceased's buddies - another stoned hippy - coming to his senses mid-track and announcing loudly:
"Oh wow! The 'Wind man! This is soooo cool, I'm so glad I came."

Don't think the family were any too impressed. Perhaps we should be very careful with the tunes then?
(Mr Steve is jobless and fancyfree!, Wed 17 May 2006, 18:44, Reply)

Barbie and Ken
When my grandma died, we were not quite sure how many people would come to the funeral and how many would come to the house after. So my uncle (her son) went out to get some extra plates and cups and stuff.
He came back with disposable (paper) cups and plates....

By WALT DISNEY.
Oh yeah, Barbie and Ken, the Little Mermaid.

It was like a scene from a Fellini movie.
Double breasted suits and hats, and a colourful table filled with fairytale characters.
bye grandma
(bovine intervention, Wed 17 May 2006, 18:00, Reply)

Every funeral from here has been downhill...
My Great Aunt's funeral was held in the tiny welsh village where she lived, in the middle of a freezing January and in a church halfway up the side of a near vertical hill. The climb nearly killed us so there was no way the pall bearers were going to make it with a coffin. Fortunately, the funeral parlour had clearly been through this before and had sent with the coffin a large stainless steel trolley to roll it up the hill.

To be fair to them, they were almost at the top before one of them slipped on an inevitable patch of ice and lost his grip on the trolley. The three other pall bearers promptly went to help their mate, leaving the coffin to roll backwards. This was at first gentle, but you would be amazed at the speed a coffin on a trolley can pick up on a steep gradient. It wasn't nearly as bad for us (who had never liked her that much anyway) as it was for the poor woman whose front window looked out onto this winding road and was presented with the sight of a coffin on wheels racing past, followed by four swearing men in full mourning dress.

We don't go back often these days. Pop, squirt and all that.
(butterflymind, Wed 17 May 2006, 17:26, Reply)

Thank's you lot
In both the sarcastic and literal sense. Lost my old man to alcoholism last year and the first anniversary is coming up. Been thinking about it more and more so decided to look up b3ta for some light relief. Rock on Tommy! what a time to read the quetion of the week..

I didnt go to my dads funeral, so reading these stories, knowing he would have pissed himself at a lot of them..I dunno, but somehow you've helped me out so cheers!

1st timer long time lurker generic length and girth comment
(luckymcdanger, Wed 17 May 2006, 16:47, Reply)

acrobatic mother
It has been a long standing joke in my family when my mother fell head first into an open grave in the 60's .. A couple of years ago I was at a funeral in the pouring rain with her, as she approached the grave to throw the obligatory handful of earth onto the coffin I and the rest of the clan waited with baited breath. Yes she did. Again.
(flibbley lame balloon man far and wee, Wed 17 May 2006, 16:40, Reply)

Top 5 favourite funeral songs
Well I thought I was a bit of a morbid freak for occaisionally contemplating my top 5 tracks to be played when my time comes.
However, having broached the subject during a few coked-up nights of unwarranted sincerity, I find I'm not alone in self-indulgent navel gazing - my mate Dave often has this conversation with his dad when the whisky's out.
I reckon this should be the subject of a new QOTW, so to get the ball rolling, here are my top 5 with reasons:

1: The Jam - Going Underground

I picture the look of sudden realisation on the faces of the congregation when they realise what they're tapping their feet to, but the opening line "some people might say my life is in a rut" is a killer

2: The Smiths - Asleep/ Radiohead - No Surprises

A shameless attempt at inducing mass wailing and gnashing of teeth- two heart-rendingly sad songs guaranteed to induce lacrimosity among the gathered mourners, if not outright guilt, shame and regret. Not sure about this one- I wanted it to be a joyous event, but sometimes the urge to shout "it's your fault I'm dead" is overwhelming.

3: The Jam - Town Called Malice

Such a great track- can't not have it. Even the most wizened old gimmers will be kicking away their zimmers to dance on my grave. Oh yeah, and it features the line "I'm almost stone-cold dead"

4: Roy Harper- When an Old Cricketer Leaves the Crease

I was pleasantly surprised that John Peel made a pact with John Walters that whoever went first, the other would play this at their funeral. A beautiful song conjuring up the rose-tinted vision of an England which never really existed, but you really wish it had. Haaven't played cricket since school, but that hardly matters does it?

5: I'm going to leave this one blank for now- I invite you to post suggestions.....

length and breadth- ask the undertaker why he couldn't get the lid on
( MontyyouterribleCUNT I gave Jeremy Kyle cancer, Wed 17 May 2006, 14:45, Reply)