Threesome anyone...?

The temptation to turn this into a full-on stinking stonking joke post was almost overpowering, but in the interest of ‘keeping it real’, I’ll tell it how it actually happened… for a change. Who cares about clicks anyway?

This was one of the only times I can (currently) remember being properly propositioned in ‘open play’ (I don’t count times when I was in the band…). Unfortunately, it wasn’t quite as glamorous, romantic or even erotic as I thought it would be.

A while ago, I was with a few friends getting arseholingly squiffy on a Saturday night in my local. It was late, and the smell of stale smoke, strong lager and weak bladders hung in the air like the antichrist of ‘Febreeze’…

I noticed a woman across the room doing her best impression of a ‘pouting diva’…or as good an impression as is possible to do when you’re shitfaced on Bacardi Breezers.

Our eyes met… (accidentally in my case) and straight away she approached me and sat down by my side.

“Hello” she chirped.

Oozing charm and radiating an almost heroic ‘studmuffin-ness’* I stuttered back:”Erm…hello”.

She then nodded her head in the direction of her giggling companion and fawned: “Me and my friend were just wondering if you would like to come back to my place for a…..’

At this point I watched her take something out of her purse and felt her press it into the palm of my hand. I looked down to see what 'it' was…

It was……a screw.

‘Awww’ I thought for a second…before the mongtoid hamster snoozing in my head finally understood what was going on, and the reality of the situation hit home like a breezeblock nailed to an Exorcet Missile…

‘Hang on a minute!’ I thought.

Being scrote-strokingly proud of my powers of intuition, three things immediately sprang to my attention, making me realise this was not the ‘dream come-on’ I had at first suspected.

1. I was married – and was wearing the ring and everything. She saw this, understood…and just didn’t care. This meant she was of highly questionable morals (and not just in the good way either.)

2. The women just weren’t my type. Neither of them. I mean, they were attractive enough, but they just didn’t ‘tazer me in the nad department’. Call me ‘more old fashioned than Joan of Arc’s panty liner’, but there’s always time for a modicum of class (even I have standards you know). Overly forward slappers just don’t make the cream rise to the surface of my milk bottle if you know what I mean.

3. I realised the only reason somebody would actually carry a screw in their purse would be either a) because they were being ever vigilant for any fiendish 'picture-hanging emergency', or b) it was a well used prop for a no doubt equally well used chat up line. I deduced from this that collectively, they probably would have had more 'dongs' and 'wangs' than a Chinese phonebook. Their flanges would have no doubt been so capacious that I may as well have had to reach my hand inside and tug off my own custard-coughing cucumber mid-session…should I accept their (admittedly generous) offer.

Looking for guidance, I glanced over to my mates, who were still reeling from the collective state of shock of witnessing that not only had I been propositioned (and they hadn’t), but it was also a potential threesome situation. CODE RED!

Their unanimous decision as to my course of action was swift, and they motioned towards me in the usual timeless, mature, gentlemanly way…

They each placed their left hand palms in their right arm elbow pits, before bending and raising said right arms…whilst shaking their right fists at me exclaiming “Phwoooar! – Get in there boy!” etc., en chorus with enthusiastic, yet sensitive overtones.

I looked back at my potential ‘conquest’…who by this point was eying me up and down as if she was mentally marking out the best cuts of meat for herself…and I replied:

“Erm…sorry…but no thank you” I muttered before gazing sheepishly back into my pint.

She got up despondently and wiggled back to her friend. I was then subjected to the kind of ritualistic, arse-tearing abuse from my mates that they seem to spend years researching before storing in stasis for occasions such as these.

It may go down in my life history as the one (or two) that got away…but at least it’s something for the wank-bank**…

And I’ll always have something interesting to tell my grandchildren whilst I sit there dribbling over my Werthers Originals and prune juice...



*ok, that bit was a lie

** besides, I’ve had threesomes before…but that’s something for another QotW
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 3 Sep 2008, 10:14, 19 replies)

I like this
Not enough to click, mind you, but it's still a good story.

Was it a nice screw, anyway?

Fully-threaded shaft? Self-tapping?
( Cawl, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 10:25, closed)

you fanny magnet hunk of a stud that you are :o)
Cringeworthy yet still eloquently told in your special inimitable style.

*clicks till her ovaries implode*
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 10:28, closed)

'didn't tazer me in the nad department'
I don't know whether to laugh or cry
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 11:02, closed)

how come you reckon you didnt fancy them
but were happy to deposit them in the wank bank?
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 11:04, closed)

Ah, Dear Spimf...

They were attractive...but it was their moral ineptitude in the real world that put me off.

But as Im sure you're aware...in the wank-bank, you can make your own rules.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 3 Sep 2008, 11:06, closed)

"In the wank-bank you can make your own rules"

Brilliant.

It sounds like the tag line for a very, very wrong film.
( Moey, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 11:17, closed)

*ashamedly puts screw back in tool box*
What can I say....I was horny.
( girlinthehole, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 11:22, closed)

what?
You turned down a threesome with a couple of normal girls and yet I take up the offer with Harry Potter and a fucking garden gnome?

You have a lot more moral integrity dignity than me.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 11:27, closed)

rules, oh good i like that..
i hereby make a proclamation that whilst incarcerated in in my wank bank jessica alba, and megan fox, may only ever wear their school uniforms a size smaller than required

*nods approvingly at own cleverness*
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 11:38, closed)

@ CHCB...

Shameless pimping of post...

but it's ok because the post is brill.

*bows*

@spimf...in the spirit of B3ta community, would you mind if I saw your wank bank on the side? Or perhaps a small loan? about 7.2 seconds should do.


:)
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 3 Sep 2008, 11:40, closed)

^Pooflake
I was merely reminding you of my post so you could store it in your wank bank. What hotblooded male wouldn't get off on the idea of me being spitroasted lovingly caressed by two young men dressed as fictional children's characters?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 11:47, closed)

...
Excuse me for a minute...
( IHaveABadFeelingAboutThis most likely working from home on, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 11:50, closed)

@CHCB...

I don't think I could ever take part in a spit-roast...what with having to look at another man's 'cum face' for one reason...and the fact that it would probably make my arse sting afterwards.

But kudos to you madam!

(I'll just shuffle off with my 'proper' threesomes...2 unsatisfied girls, 1 happy Pooflake.)
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 3 Sep 2008, 11:57, closed)

I think I'm overdrawn at the wank bank for now

May have to make an appointment with my 'manager' to discuss a method of returning to a more liquid state of affairs!!
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 12:06, closed)

What makes this even more funny is
that in my head your voice is reading this.


Excellent.


I really think there should be the occasional b3ta podcast with a few stories from the qotw read out by their writers....

I'm sure CHCB's stories would be even more popular (if that was possible!) if read in her own lilting Norn Oirsh brogue.
Captain Placid's stories would be even more menacing - it's the calm and quiet voice that make him even more scary, potentially.
Tourettes's would make us all wee ourselves with the Geordie fnarrs.
Empress Bob's would remind us all just how Posh Totty *should* sound.


It really has to be done.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 12:10, closed)

Not to mention
your (allegedly) folksy voice, chickenlady...
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 12:14, closed)

Chickenlady
I'd like to hear you reading yours!

Oddly, I kinda imagined your voice to sound how it does.
Meeting you just confirmed that.
( Cawl, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 12:15, closed)

@chickenlady...

We could do that!

Legless' site lets you record a voice clip and he then posts it.

I've been meaning to do it for ages...I just can't make up my mind what to read out...and besides, could I do it justice?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 3 Sep 2008, 12:39, closed)

Do it! Do it!
Pooflake - please do, if only to confirm my belief that there should be a space between the F and the L in your nick...
( e.m.m.y. foxtrot uniform charlie kilo india tango, Wed 3 Sep 2008, 13:54, closed)