You’d have to get up pretty early in the morning…

I feel sorry for those poor deluded saddos who believe anything they’re told. One born every minute I suppose.

Not only do I pride myself on my own intelligence and ‘street smarts’ I have an impressive entourage of friends who seem duty bound to protect me from everyday scams and con-artists

Only yesterday my mate Jim was warning me about the ‘evils’ of those ‘timeshare holidays’. Fortunately for me, he has experience on the matter, gave me the benefit of his wisdom and he allowed me to invest in a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to spend 2 ½ days a year camping by a petrol station in Magaluf, for the discount annual price of just £3000 up front for the next quarter of a century.

Sometimes I don’t even have to leave the house to benefit. Last week I looked out of my front door to see my garden covered in tarmac. Some lovely travelling folk informed me that they didn’t want me to miss out as they were only in my neighbourhood for the week; and that the £1200 cost would save me thousands in the long run. When I paid them, they sharpened one of my knives and gave me some ‘lucky’ heather absolutely free of charge! Try and beat THAT for service – so called ‘Tesco value!’

Last year I bought a computer…and within 2 weeks, totally out of the blue I was informed that not only had I won the Lithuanian lottery without even entering, but I was contacted by a Nigerian Civil Servant who informed me I had been ‘specially selected’ to share in his £20 million pound business scheme. I reckon I am just days away from receiving my cheques…I sent the admin fees away quite a while ago…

In fact, the amount of phone calls I get telling me that I have been ‘specially selected’ for various offers make me think that I must have been born under a lucky sign.

In a supreme act of kindness, my buddy Barry recently let me buy his 'home safe' that is cleverly disguised as a cardboard box to thwart thieves, and is made from the very latest fireproof cardboard. £500 well spent I’m sure you’ll agree, because you can’t put a price on knowing that your collection of extended warranties and credit card protection invoices will be safe.

I’ll also never forget the debt of gratitude I owe to my mate Keith, who managed to warn me (just in time) that Plasma TVs cause cancer, and offered to take my new 50” away and humanely dispose of it for just a £90 handling charge. What a guy.

Then there’s ‘Doctor’ Pete – I’m not sure what he is a doctor of exactly, but he said I looked a bit peaky the other day and offered a free rectal examination. His thermometer seemed a bit on the ‘wide’ side…so much so that it took a few attempts to properly insert it…and I think the bulb burst at the end…but it was free so it wasn’t for me to complain.

My girlfriend has also kindly warned me about the terrible legal implications (and complications) of making a will, so kindly offered to take control of something called my ‘power of attorney’ (whatever that is). My girlfriend has assured me that I never need worry about anything again. I am so lucky. She’s going on holiday soon and apparently ‘can’t say’ when she will be back. Lord knows I will miss her – perhaps I should have loaned her my timeshare?

So anyway, as you can tell, this QotW definitely does NOT apply to me.

Must dash, I’ve heard a rumour that somebody down the marketplace is selling some ‘magic beans’…
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 22 Aug 2008, 12:35, 5 replies)

Tee hee.
I have a mate called Barry from Coventry. It must be the same guy.

Send me a fiver and I'll tell you something amazing about him...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 12:40, closed)

Guffaws
Once again Mr Flake you've cornered the market in QOTW hilarity.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 22 Aug 2008, 12:40, closed)

Chuckles
Defiantly click worthy
(quagarr, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 12:48, closed)

Masterful!
To think I'll be in the same room as you tomorrow...
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 13:04, closed)

Another gem :)
And to think I will be in a different room from you tomorrow!
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 14:21, closed)