I'm an IT man
I've worked in IT for about 10 years, about 5 years in support.

I can't think of a single interesting story. Yes, it really is that dull.
( Sextant goes to him is emotionally erect, on this day, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 12:31, Reply)

Volunteered
Like various other b3tans who are the sole tech-savvy member of their respective families I have too felt the burden of knowledge.

So many times my wonderful dad has 'volunteered' me to fix family members, friend of family, bloke who installed windows for a friend of a friend of the family, and so on.

Wouldn't mind so much if most of these cunts lived within 40 miles of my house, 98% of them do not. About the same percentage of them are thick as elephant shit and have their problem solved by a slap round the chops and a reboot.

I pretty much have to pretend to be braindamaged now to get out of it.

</rant>
( blitheringidiot semi-lurker status achieved, many thanks, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 11:40, 1 reply)

<s>FIRST</s> 404th
QOTW answer cannot be found
(tubeman trousers, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 11:30, 1 reply)

FFFFIIIIIIRRRRRSSSSSTTTTT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wanna tell people all my interesting stories about working as a shelf stacker in sainsburys. Only fair. We've had IT this week, shelf stackers next. Then if we're really, really, really luck we could end the trilogy of dull job related questions with binmen.

Yeah, bring it on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Roosta, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 11:26, 2 replies)

How i (almost) managed to bring a department to it's knees
The department in question was the network infrastructure support and implementation for a rather large international communications corporation, like HAL is to IBM, BU&U is to this outfit.

My chosed method of wreaking havoc, Spaced Penguin, the adventures of Zidgel, Midgel, Tidgel and Kevin, www.bigideafun.com/penguins/arcade/spaced_penguin/

It has been known to start one level in the right pixel and the level run overnight, with monsterous bonus score!
( Radebe, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 10:52, 1 reply)

Punching the air.....
This one guy....

when he just happened to have logged on to a powerful server and checked the hardware spec of the machine, was awestruck by the sheer computing power at his disposal...

'32GB Ram... Awesome!!!' (Punches the Air! Whoop Whoop! Get in!)

Not a trace of irony. What a maroon.
( TheFinch is getting to grips with the complex plane on, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 10:48, Reply)

Not really IT support, but does involve a laptop....
Several years ago, I used to work for a large insurance/investment company on the South Coast (who until recently sponsored a week of sailing and pissing it up on the IOW).

Back in the day when the simplest laptops were made of brick, and were very expensive, if we wanted to play games work from home, then we had to sign them in and out with our IT Dept. and were under strict instructions not to fuck about with them. So, one Friday afternoon, fully intent on finishing some shitty no-one's-ever-going-to-fucking-read-this-report™at home, I duly signed out a shiny, fuck-off laptop from IT. And then I was persuaded by some colleagues to go out for a couple of jars. Now I'm not a total twat, so I left the laptop with the security guard and went out for a couple of quiet beers. And then it all went tits up and I got fucking leathered. I may, or may not, have danced on tables with my tie around my forehead Rambo-stylee (I did say I'm not a total twat, but I am still a twat).

I vaguely remember staggering back into the building and retrieving the laptop from security. Then I woke up. In a bush. In the centre of the town. At about 4am, sans laptop, suit jacket, tie and wallet. Oh fuckety fuck. I stumbled around various bushes looking for my stuff - mainly the laptop, obviously. Fuck all. I did wake up a tramp who'd made a lovely den in a rhododendron tree, however. He wasn't best pleased to see me either.

I phoned the brother-in-law from a pay phone, reverse charge call, as this was before mobile phones became popular, who kindly collected me and drove me home while I wondered how the fuck I was going to explain this one to the wife and the IT manager.

In the morning, 8am, sweating like a rapist and hung over to buggery, I was back in town with the wife, scrabbling in the bushes (fnarr) for my stuff. I found my suit jacket, tie and wallet still in my pocket, folded neatly into a little pillow where I'd fucking left it a few hours previously, but no laptop. Shit, fuck, fuckety-fuck. Only one thing to do.....yep, report it stolen to plod and hope for the best. I went to the cop-shop and reported that I'd "momentarily left it in a telephone box after I'd phoned for a taxi, and some chav/student type had obviously pilfered it." and "Can I have an incident number for the insurance please?", then spent the rest of the weekend wondering if I'd still have a job on Monday.

It took me a couple of hours to put the call in to our IT manager who just knew I was bullshitting, and then told me to leave it with him and he'll come back to me after he'd spoken with the IT Director. 'Paaaarp' went my arse.

Half an hour later, got a call from security, "Someone's just handed in your laptop". Ran down stairs, and there it was. In the security and comfort of my office, I checked it worked, and then relaxed my sphincter for the first time in 3 days. Didn't shit myself, but I did congratulate myself on being a most fortunate chap/lucky twat. Called IT Manager and told him it was all a misunderstanding and I'd just temporarily mislaid it.

When I got home - oh, yes, I still risked taking it home a second time, as I still hadn't done the shitty no-one's-ever-going-to-fucking-read-this-report™ report - I looked a bit closer. There was a note on the desktop from the person who had returned the laptop saying something along the lines of "I have returned your laptop. You stumbled out of a phone box on Friday night and gave it to me. You said, 'Have it. I don't fucking want it'. I'm a poor student, and I reckon I've just saved your job. How's about £50.00?". Well that explains that then. I was genuinely grateful for it being returned, and would have been happy to have paid up - really - except that the 'poor student' forgot to include his contact details. So I deleted it. Oh well. Told the boss on my last day. He laughed and called me a twat. Told you I was.

Length? Too long?
(Tighthead, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 10:46, 5 replies)

My grandmother is a bit slow.
Not just with computers, in general.

When my dad and I first introduced her to the wonders of internet shopping, she uttered this immortal line:

"So do I just put the money in the floppy drive slot?"

Bless her.
(Flap Burger hasn't really got a burger made of flaps, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 10:19, Reply)

My friend should of won last weeks compo.
I was at my mates the other night and we were chatting about cars.

The Dolorian came up and 2 of my friends admitted that whenever possible they both like to drive at 88mph.

Just in case.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 8:45, 8 replies)

Had a Data Protection argument a few years back
...with the wife of an account holder. She wanted his details and it was all under his name, so it was a big no no.

"Do you know who my husband is?" says her,
"Yes, the account holder madam" says I trying not to grin too much.
"My husband is the deputy leader of the Liberal Democrats!"
"Congratulations to him madam."
"So I want his password now!"
"I'm sorry madam but as I have already said the law states..."
"MY HUSBAND WRITES THE LAWS!!!"
"...and I'm sure he abides by them too madam" says I without missing a beat.

She didn't get that password. She said stuff like "He's very busy in Parliament, he doesn't have time to speak to the likes of you." Oh that's going to make me want to give you that password luv, you really know how to win the likes of me over.

I generally find that stubbornness to listen is not just with the posh, it's across the board. I've spoken to a few people who put themselves across as upper class and have been able to help them as easily and as pleasantly as possible. I just find that the ones who try to impose this "upper-classness" and believe they are better than others are the ones I really want to cunt with a brick.

PS I know classness isn't a word :)

PPS this could be a rp :p
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 8:10, 1 reply)

The Grand old duke of York
One of the 24x7 help desk workers too a call from an irate user who couldn't print.
Working through the flow chart as they do he asked the user his last name.

"I'm the Duke of York" says the user (Prince Andrew of course"
"is Your your last name then ?" asks the 24x7 bod.
"No, I am the Duke of York" replies Andrew."
"You must have a last name though, everyone has a last name." says the bod.
"tell you what I'll just put down as York, shall I"

Fits and splutters from the end of the phone...
( ratman, Thu 1 Oct 2009, 2:23, 1 reply)

Slightly off topic, but:
I need IT advice about my home system: One of my two 500Gb Hard drives has failed. The one with nearly all my stuff on, not the almost-empty one (which I was slowly backing up to)*. The rest of the system will not acknowledge its existence, and there's no alarming noises; making me hope it's a burnt-out board, rather than a gross mechanical failure. Now, since they have identical firmware, is it worth risking trying the trick I hear about; of temporarily swapping the logic boards to give me back access**?

* They're almost brand new, so I judged failure to be remote this early; hence I wasn't prioritising backing up, and had only completed a few directories. Fool me! I'm also a complete eejit for not using RAID or removable media backups.
** I had to reinstall vista*** on on old 20GB drive to get back online and seek answers (and to stop teh b3ta withdrawal symptoms).
*** I know, I know. I'm sorry. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 23:13, 12 replies)

When I'm bored at work...
We all know about the phishing emails you get from the supposed bank, with a link to an identical looking website asking for your login details? And we never ever open these emails as we all recognise a scam by now, right? RIGHT??

Not me. I open Notepad, and copy and paste something like fuckyoufuckyoufuckyou about 1000 times. Now you go to the friendly phishing website, and as they do not have a limit on the input fields, you paste this nice lenghty message in to both the username and password fields, click login. Click back, repeat a few times.

I like to think someone on the other side scrutinising the logs will find it amusing / annoying, or feel at least caught out.

Sometimes I'm a bit of a bastard...
(Rumbling Bear rumbled on, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 21:22, 3 replies)

VNC
The most fun you can have with your pants on!
(Rumbling Bear rumbled on, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 21:07, 2 replies)

Shaken Not Stirred
At my delightful place of work, every 2 weeks they interview a member of staff about their general interests. A couple of weeks ago they interviewed a relatively new member of the IT team.

Now despite being new to the company this fella has set his stall out to be ridiculously sleazy and watching him clumsily and publicly fail to chat up the latest temp is like watching an episode of The Office in terms of cringiness.

I wont publish all his answers but I'll divulge that they all rank highly in sexism (Favourite things to do? - "Women and girls") but my absolute favourite is that when quizzed on who would play him in a film of his life, he chose someone who's not even real - James Bond.
Yes, in my IT colleagues tiny broadband fried mind, James Bond would leap at the chance to play a man in his late 40's who works in a junior IT role - ace.
(whicker, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 21:06, 1 reply)

Desktop lockdown
The college I was at decided to bolt the desktop PC's to the desks after one sprouted feet and left the premises one dark night... Anywoo, the orders we given, and the workmen left to the task.

Roundabout lunchtime the head of IT sauntered in to see how it was going, only to nearly crap himself upon discovering what the guys had done:

Take one long drill, drill one hole through the desk, drill one hole right through the middle of the (horizontal) desktop, and subsequently through the mother- and daughterboards, and fit long bolt through both. 10 PC's had already been secured thusly, never to boot again...

Only in South Africa, hey...
(Rumbling Bear rumbled on, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 21:04, 2 replies)

Inflation beater
Today I have upgraded my tired old desktop machine with some well-deserved and long awaited components.

10 years ago RAM went for about R300/Mb (thats right, 1 megabyte cost about £25!) I have just fitted 2Gb for the same price! Has anything else ever fared that well against inflation?



If cars were computers, they should retail for probably about £10 by now... and crash unexpectedly just after the service warranty expires!
(Rumbling Bear rumbled on, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 20:52, 2 replies)

i am so cleverer than thickies
once i was presented with a computer problem which only i was able to fix and other people couldn't, god they are thick aren't they...

this is definatley a thrread for the sad and freindless IT geeks, not one in twenty stories actually has anything which could be regarded as wit or humour..

p.s. i kill computors....
(TROLLING AWAY living under a post ironic bridge, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 19:55, 11 replies)

What's good for the goose...
Someone who works in the same office as me but for a different company was recently disciplined for forwarding a mildly (depending on your point of view) offensive email to her personal address that was picked up by their IT bods. Where had she received the email from? Someone in IT. Were they disciplined? No.
(jvz, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 19:50, 2 replies)

What is it with this QotW?
Most of the stories I've read have made me smile, shake my head in disbelief, or actually laugh out loud.

So why is it that most of the stories I've posted this week have been greeted with "Well why didn't you try this?" or "Maybe the user was thinking that"?

I've already tried all the helpdesky stuff, and ascertained that the user/my colleague/I was being a bit stupid - that's why I've posted the story, not to see if anyone can help me with a bit of a problem I've got on the computerisatificator machine thing... O_o
(Professor Kenny Martin Hmm? What?, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 19:45, 3 replies)

One from my dad
He used to work in an office with the usual nominated non-IT-support IT support bod, John Scott.

Scene, machine goes bandy, JS on site to see what's up, User fecks off, Post-it on the screen,

Computer broken,
Scottie's gone for more Dilithium Crystals
( Radebe, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 16:40, Reply)

Always check the voltage
Especially when working with equipment that is used onboard cruise ships. Rudimentary mathematics concludes that 240v into 110v doesn't go, well it kind of does but only 0.458 of it, which coincedentally is how long the printer i was testing lasted in seconds when i switched the unit on, red face was fully on show once the smoke had cleared.

As soon as i started this job it was clear that there was a distinct dislike for one member of the engineering department, he thought he could deal with anything his machine could come up with, he could deal with 80,000hp+ engines after all they were computer controlled, so a 1000mhz machine would be a piece of cake, and so begins the playing with registry keys and enevitable blue screen adventures, on a bi-monthly basis.

And finally... probably the best one

UK Corp. MD: Good morning, my pc is asking for a new password.
Net Admin: OK, i can change it for you if you like, what do you want?
UKCMD: I want my old one
NA: I'm sorry but you can't have the same password in any 18 month period
UKCMD: WHY NOT! I WANT TO KEEP MY PASSWORD! (imagine toys exiting executive pram)
NA: I'm sorry but it's a security risk, and the IT rules and policies in place explicitly forbid this
UKCMD: WHAT POLICY?
NA: The one you signed.
UKCMD: WELL IF I CAN'T HAVE MY OLD PASSWORD THEN I WON'T HAVE ONE AT ALL!
NA:I'm sorry i can't do that either
UKCMD:I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
As is the situation in so many cases the manager gets spoken to and the spineless fecker caves, suspending the policy, resetting the password, non-expiration and re-activating said policy.

Is it wrong to have the IT Crowd pixel art characters as wallpaper, on your 3 screened desktop machine, laptop and mobile phone, and the theme as a ringtone?
( Radebe, Wed 30 Sep 2009, 16:27, 15 replies)