Not a lot of people know this, but I'm an accomplished stand up comedian
My friend spent 2000 pound on a Dyson vaccum cleaner. I said "Why do you need an expensive vacuum cleaner for, you don't even have a vacuum?". Thank you, what a great audience. Is anyone here from Kidderminster? No? Well there goes half my act. I was abused as a child. My parents used to leave me with my uncle who would molest me and threaten me with violence if I told anyone. It went on for years. What about Redditch? Is there anyone here from Redditch?
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Mon 21 Apr 2014, 9:46, 3 replies)

Hmmmm
If it becomes discovered, it's not hidden any more... oooh! I'm a pedant! That's it!
( Ravenblack All the good quotes have gone, Mon 21 Apr 2014, 0:09, 2 replies)

I can read Klingon.
I can barely understand two words, so I'm not completely beyond hope. Still, seeing the bf's face light up when he opened his birthday card does make being a (near) complete saddo worthwhile if you ask me.
( jonbob loves you, Sun 20 Apr 2014, 22:32, 22 replies)

So right me & Leslie Grantham off of Eastenders were going to a fancy dress swingers party
just necking a couple of cheeky halves in the boozer before we headed over there. He had this well plush buzzard outfit and fuck, I thought, this cunt is gonna get all the pussy with nothing left for me, with my cheap primark monkey outfit.
So I come up with this ruse. He takes his claws off when he goes out for a fag, cos they'd rip through the fag y'see. I take the fuckers & flush em down the bog, no claws, no costume, crafty cunt me.
He fucks off home crying 'cos he looks a right cunt whilst I go to the party and take advantage of all the sweet, sweet pussy.
( broadsword w⚓, Sun 20 Apr 2014, 19:32, 3 replies)

I DUN A PISS ON A ORCHESTRA

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Sun 20 Apr 2014, 16:41, 2 replies)

had it and lost it
When in my late teens/early twenties I had a talent that almost bordered on being a superpower. I could consume Oliver Reed quantities of booze on top of Shaun Ryder quantities of MASSIVE DRUGS on a daily basis, always remaining in a fairly upright manner, with no memory loss, then jumping up from among the mass of semi-comatose bodies strewn across the floor in a party and heading to work with no great after effects.

Fast forward a few years and 3 shandies has me falling on my ass talking shite, with no memory of the previous night, waking up to a hangover the likes of which no human can ever be reasonably expected to survive and crawling to work feeling like death for the next 3 days.
(Figmaus, Sun 20 Apr 2014, 11:34, 20 replies)

I'm multitalentless.

( Zuowan, Sun 20 Apr 2014, 10:03, 1 reply)

I can speak English adequately.
Rare for a frog.
(smellysamlyingcable Seaman on, Sun 20 Apr 2014, 8:37, 2 replies)

Ear Wiggling.
Not hidden, even by my hat.
(uncle_bud is not the jelly roll king., Sun 20 Apr 2014, 2:57, Reply)

I can have a wank whenever (not wherever) I want.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Sat 19 Apr 2014, 21:02, 4 replies)

Since an abseiling accident when I was 23 I can now multiply any two numbers in my head.

( Peej, Sat 19 Apr 2014, 20:15, 4 replies)

I can do up my own fucking shoelaces.
Easy as fuck.
(Andrew Avetoom, Sat 19 Apr 2014, 19:32, Reply)

i have quite big boobs.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Sat 19 Apr 2014, 19:29, 11 replies)

I'm told that youtube singer tom Milsom is quite popular.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 19 Apr 2014, 17:45, 6 replies)

From age 12 onwards I had boxing lessons but didn't progress very far because my hands were too small.
Also I went off target when trying to throw a combination of punches.
Long story short, fist in my own mouth.
( edjogs Collared doves are shit., Sat 19 Apr 2014, 14:28, 1 reply)

I'm Evil
I have talent for being a sociopath and getting my way despite other people's consequences.

(On side note, I have been spelling perfectly without spell check lately since I quit smoking about 3 weeks ago -- also, I ax murdered my BFF yesterday)
(drunksteve is not drunk, Sat 19 Apr 2014, 6:48, 26 replies)

I can cum over my own head
as my mum found out when she brought me a cup of tea while I was in bed. I finished shooting yoghurt, shouted at her to fuck off, punched her throat out, downed the cuppa, commando rolled through the bedroom window, landed on next door's cat (which I then rugby kicked into a wheelie bin), got in my Honda Concorde, chuffed a massive line of chong, and burnt serious rubber to get the hell out of there.
(SlantedScience, Sat 19 Apr 2014, 6:08, 5 replies)

I can accurately fart to the 'We Buy Any Car Dot Com' advert.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Fri 18 Apr 2014, 20:49, Reply)

i can shit on demand

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Fri 18 Apr 2014, 18:40, 6 replies)

Turns out that R*b F***h**** is a master of disguise and slipped back on here totally unnoticed the other day.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 18 Apr 2014, 15:59, 2 replies)

I've found out that I can upset crybaby autisms on the internet just by being LOVELY.
:D
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 18 Apr 2014, 15:36, 2 replies)

i can fit my whole fist in my mouth
i can do the splits
i can bend my thumb back so that it touches my wrist.
i also have the ability to terrify children with my freakish feet.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 18 Apr 2014, 14:47, 23 replies)

I can shit the alphabet
if given enough time
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Fri 18 Apr 2014, 14:25, 3 replies)

I'm pretty good at building awesome sheds with functional, attractive, and durable rubber roofs.

Look out for my upcoming fly-on-the-wall series, "The Shed Guy", on Dave.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Fri 18 Apr 2014, 14:18, 1 reply)

I tape the pork and beans up my butt crack and then squeeze into a high legged one piece swimsuit.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 18 Apr 2014, 13:07, 16 replies)

Not so hidden but I am quite the marriage wrecker.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 18 Apr 2014, 12:59, 1 reply)

Third
I have a hidden talent for hiding my talents.
( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Fri 18 Apr 2014, 12:58, Reply)

Blah blah blah blah blah I can piss in my own mouth

( Zuowan, Fri 18 Apr 2014, 12:53, Reply)

I was never talented enough to post the first story on QOTW :(

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 18 Apr 2014, 12:48, Reply)