Pearoast - Cocaine is one hell of a drug (or how I was a complete twat when I was younger, rather than just a bit of of one, as I am now)

many, many moons ago, after leaving London for the sunnier climate of Milton Keynes, I nipped back down the smoke to see my mate Scouse Emma one Saturday afternoon. Took massive amounts of coke, stole a bottle of champagne from a pub and exposed myself to a bunch of theatre goers (which must have been well impressive after the substances I'd taken).

The next morning, I fell out of the hostel first thing, to avoid the warden blokey, who would charge me for staying there. I dragged my sorry arse to Euston and staggered up to the ticket counter. "single to Milton Keynes please, sweetheart" I said to the bloke behind the counter. "Certainly sir" he replies "what kind of ticket do you want?". "The one that gets me home earliest, chief" says I. A ticket is produced and suspiciously powdery, rolled up motes are handed over. I say to the fella "when's the next train?". "8:15, platform 9" he says. And off I trot.

After working out where platform 9 would be (in between 8 and 10, it would seem) I showed my ticket to the dude on the gate who pointed me at a big, red, train-like creature, which I duly got on and plonked myself opposite a nice, middle aged couple.

Not long after we left Euston, a ticket inspector wandered along the carriage, doing the ticket inspector thing and inspecting tickets. He took one look at mine and then the converstaion went like this:
Ticket Bloke: "You've got the wrong ticket"
Me: "Eh? Does this train not go to Milton keynes?"
TB: "Yeah, but you've got the wrong ticket"
Me: "Eh? But I got a ticket to Milton Keyens"
TB: "Yeah, but your ticket says Silverlink only"
Me: "Eh?"
TB: "your ticket says Silverlink only"
Me: "Yeah"
TB: "And this is a Virgin train"
Me: "Right"
TB: "So you've got the wrong ticket"
Me: "Run that one by me again, slowly"
TB: "You've bought a ticket that only allows you to get Silverlink trains, this is a Virgin one"
Me: "What's Silverlink?"
TB: "A different train company"
Me: "Oh right"
TB: "so you need to buy a ticket for this train"
Me: "No I don't"
TB: *looks confused* "Yes, you do"
Me: "Why?"
TB: "because you don't have a ticket to be on this train"
Me: "Yeah, but when I bought that ticket, this is the train they told me to get onto and, since this train goes to Milton Keynes, I assumed it was the right one"
TB: "Well it's not, if you were going to New York and had a ticket to go by BA, you wouldn't get on a Virgin plane, would you?"
Me: "I would if I had been told it was going from platform 9 of Euston at 8:15 on a Sunday morning"
TB: "Well, you're still going to have to buy a ticket"
Me: "Not a chance, it's not my fault" (it was, really)
TB: "Are you refusing to buy a ticket?"
Me: "I guess I am"
At this point, I thought I was going to get arrested, but no:
TB: "in that case, sir, I am going to have to ask you to exit this service at the next stop"
I then had visions of them stopping the train in the middle of nowhere and chucking me off. I was even compiling a mental list of people to ring to see if they'd come get me from where I ended up.
Me: "Fine, where's that?"
TB: "Milton Keynes"
Me: "You're a fuckwit"

He actually sat with me to make sure I got off at MK. I gave him a cheery waves as the train pulled away.

That counts as fare-dodging, right?
(ScousersPet, Fri 22 Aug 2014, 13:16, 3 replies)

alright spanky, I thought you'd been bullied off qotw

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 22 Aug 2014, 13:41, closed)

If this was Spanky, surely he'd have been getting noshed off, whilst arguing with the inspector?

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Sat 23 Aug 2014, 11:12, closed)

I used to commute MK to London
This sort of thing happened all the time. I've seen the ticket inspector get all high and mighty, sit down and escort them off the train. If you get arsey with them though, they tend to have the British Transport Police waiting for you.
( heyrudi has just found this setting, Tue 26 Aug 2014, 12:42, closed)