Finally I get a chance to tell this story.
In my first year of uni I lived with four, well, eventually five of the biggest wankers I've ever met. I may as well categorise them.

Matt - if he had one more brain cell it would have been lonely. Dressed up very suitably as the Incredible Hulk for Halloween. Monobrow. Extra Y chromosome in there somewhere. Hated everyone else's taste in music, even if it was identical to his own, and would willingly beat the ever-loving crap out of anyone who pissed him off. Punched things when pissed off and hated to be beaten on the Xbox. Especially by a girl. Joined the American football team just to look hard. Oh, and he was from Lincolnshire. Most heard phrase: "Ug."

Tim - "TIMMAYYYYY!" is too nice a way of describing him. The opposite of Matt to look at (weedy and bald) but still thought he was God's gift. Walked around at least shirtless at all times, even in the depth of winter. His four loves in life were his car, which he once went home for the day to drive, Grand Feft, porn and "people getting killed". Could regularly be heard yelling "that's fuckin' bullshit!!" at his PS2 on a Sunday morning when he died (again). Owned only war films. Famously, when asked how many girls he had slept with, pondered and then ventured, "um, three?" (suspected to be lying). Most heard phrase: "Lessss go to ver VENYAAAAOWWW!" (student union).

Katie - Bitch of the first water. Nicotine habit and the attitude problem to match. Pretentious film student who was spoilt rotten by her divorced parents (did she have a clue how to use her brand new 40GB iPod? Did she fuck). Her first act as my housemate was to argue with me about the relative cinematic merits of Van Helsing. Made Mr Creosote look like a supermodel and her taste in music centred around McFly. Used to get pissy if she missed The OC or Hollyoaks. Most heard phrase: "Where the FUCK are my FUCKING cigarettes?"

Faye - Domestic goddess whose mascara overkill made her eyes look like spiders' legs. Was meant to be best friends with Katie but they bitched about one another pretty much continuously. About the nicest of the bunch. Listened to endless crap R&B. Everything she cooked had to contain courgettes. Wannabe model with a boyfriend named Brad. CHEERLEADER. Most heard phrase: "I know!!"

Spud - Matt's delightful girlfriend, and also willing to introduce herself to people as Spud. Two reasons why she was clinically insane. Overinflated ego. Also a cheerleader, who when she got her pompoms went round dancing and endlessly doing the cheer from Bring it On for weeks (Google it, I refuse to type it out). Annoyingly perky at any time. Dressed like a neon bag lady and was permanently either high or tripping on something, depending on how manic she actually was. We did not see eye to eye, especially after she moved into the room above me to live with Mattykins. Though this wasn't much better than her standing outside his window at 7 every morning bleating "Maaaaaatt! Maaaaaatt!" until he woke up. She nearly got an alarm clock in the face most mornings as she was better than one. Stayed in the house over Easter and never washed up once as she seemed to want to cultivate a mould farm. Half Italian or something but you'd never have guessed. Most heard phrase "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" or "Maaaaaaatt! Honeyyyyyy!"

And they loved one another sooooo much. To the point that when I moved in the next day they weren't taking anyone else into their select little club and spent the next year making me feel as unwelcome as possible. I got back at them in subtle ways (backwashing pretentious ale, nicking milk, playing music on 11, etc)

And if any of you read b3ta, I'm not sorry. You were cunts.
( Maladicta, Thu 5 Apr 2007, 19:07, Reply)