Jeffrey!
I have vague reccollections of high school and perhaps primary school, saying "Jeffry!" in a strange jimmy hill esque voice while stroking my chin as if it were a beard. and my schoolchums doing the same. I think it was when you were calling someone's lie. But why Jeffrey? why chin stroking? why why why?
(Slyph, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 20:05, Reply)

The Daily Mail
I've said it before, and I'll say it again. This newspaper annoys the feck out of me. What I don't understand is: WHY DO PEOPLE BUY THIS SHITE


CASE 1 - Today's headline "As Charles is forced to postpone the wedding until Saturday, can anything else possibly go wrong?"
So sue the Pope! Don't complain to me about how much you hate this monarch and come up with totally unexplicable "reasons".

CASE 2 - In 72 pages, there are:

11 articles/letters concerning the Monarchy.

2 Racist articles (1 concerning Islamic
Extremists).

1 Pro-Tory Article

2 Anti-Labour articles (including the Daily Mail's comment). 1 headline is "A guilty smile darted across the Prime Minister's Lips"

2 captions promoting Michael Howard.

1 Binge-drinking rant "The analysis paints a
grim picture of lawless town centres across Britain where up to 100,00 drunken youngsters are being policed by just 15-20 officers."

1 Teenage drug dealer jailed.

1 Extract from a book, World's End, concerning how exciting the Blitz was.

1 Articles criticizing the British Public.

CASE 3 - Complete letter "Prince Charles's rude "asides" at the Klosters news conference left me reeling. What a spoilt, arrogant, whining, self-satisfied ninny he is.
"He has obviously learned nothing from the Diana saga, nothing from the ongowing Camilla Parker Bowles saga and nothing from his parents.
"He hasn't the intelligence to gauge the feelings of the British people; he comes across aas a laughing stock, rude, ignorant and self-obsessed. Is this what money and position do for one?
"His outpourings are a thoroughly bad example for his sons (???). Let's prat they aren't over-influenced by their father's terrible attitude. Charles should do us a favour - marry Camilla, move over, and let someone of stature, common sense and authority stand as heir to this great nation."

Sorry. Rant over. Apologies for length, anger, girth, cases of racism, font and extracts from a truelly crap newspaper.

NOTE: I READ MY DAD'S COPY FOR THIS
(The Disillusioned Starburst, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 19:25, Reply)

In books and films and stuff
No one ever ever needs to pee. It's like they go for hours and hours of doing loads of adventure/explody stuff and there's never a time when someone goes ooh wait a sec I just the loo...

I don't think those people are human
(therocker, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 19:17, Reply)

I don't get
out enough to stop myself from reading 27 pages of things people don't get, which I don't get because I was putting up a pretty convincing charade of having a life. Dammit.
( Fictional Emma, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 19:16, Reply)

washing my hands after peeing
My dick was very clean, safely wrapped in sweet smelling fresh cotton.

My hands however have touched filthy crap like money and a thousand communal surfaces like door handles etc since they last saw soap.

As I very seldom pee on my fingers, surely it would make more sense to wash my hands BFORE I pee?

As for taps - turn 'em on with dirty hands, wash hands clean: then soil your hands switching the bloody thing back off.
(kiki chunt now available in blank, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 18:18, Reply)

Emo kids
I don't get how people can move on from moaning about goths then 5 seconds later it's on to the whiny emo kids. Have you ever BEEN either?? If you haven't you won't realise how much fun it is. It rules.
Also, people who spell poseur 'poser' IT MEANS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THING.
Lastly; how some people don't find emo boys kissing hot. WTF is wrong with you???

(EMO = emotionally charged punk rock btw www.geocities.com/howtodressemo is where to go)
(Fireinzehole, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 17:47, Reply)

When 2 planes almost hit each other
It's called a 'near-miss'... it should be called a 'near-hit' surely?
(Scary, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 17:43, Reply)

To hnandrew re. cakes
I no ur not meant to reply but this is a reply to a reply.
If thats true, that u cant have it AND eat it, WHY isn't the saying 'You can't have your cake AFTER eating it' surely having and eating are possible AT THE SAME TIME. You carry it in your stomach for a good hour anyway.
(Fireinzehole, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 17:37, Reply)

uhh...sorry,but a point to make
This is from a few pages back-
female orgasms are NOT pointless. particularly good orgasms can make women spontaneously ovulate-therefore increasing the chances of fertilization. so 'ave it. Neither are mens nipples useless. they are very good for biting. he he.
(Skarlett_nailz, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 17:29, Reply)

"Google is your friend"
And other techno-snob remarks.

Very frequently, in the newsgroups I visit, someone will come in and ask a perfectly valid, on topic question and will get at least one person who will reply with "google is your friend."

No. Google is not my friend. It is a search engine and if I want to find something out by posting in the appropriate newsgroup then I will do so. Exactly what rule of Usenet ettiquete am I breaking? None.

Why, if people don't want to help, do they even bother replying? Why don't they just skip the thread and leave it to people who don't have an agenda against non-geeks?

It's just such a self-congratulatory response.

Edit: I suppose the reason some people say that is because they are such losers that Google really is their only friend!
(Mr Slippyfist, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 17:25, Reply)

Cats
I mean, sure they're cute and everything, but they're just .... cats FFS

I just don't get it.

Now dogs, on the other hand, I totally get.
Dogs rock. Especially mine:



So after months of awwwing at fluffeh tiem on the board, I am coming out.

I don't do cats. I just don't understand the appeal. I really don't.

Having said that, the people I know who are mad about cats are some of the most intelligent people I know. Is there some correlation to this fact that means I am teh thick?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Tue 5 Apr 2005, 17:11, Reply)

Kramit
DFS stands for Discount Furniture store- dunno about the others. I feel sorry for the poor buggers who buy their sofas on the one day a year there ISN'T a sale.
Why do wasps bump into a window for hours and hours,even though it's open?
(Skarlett_nailz, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 17:10, Reply)

Cheescake
why whats the point in having something called a cheese cake when you cant taste the cheese. There is no visible cheese on or inside the thing i cant see cheese anywhere. It doesnt taste, look or smell like cheese.
(fistcount shite, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 17:08, Reply)

I've never really understood...
1)why almost everything happens "at the end of the day"
2) the point of Mick Hucknell
3)where all the light in the room goes when you turn off the switch
(Captain Spod, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 17:08, Reply)

The Pope,
I was lucky enough to hear someone on the number 12 bus going towards elephant and castle last night complaining about the picture of the pope in all his pope stylee gear, while being dead as can be.

Her main complaint wasn't one of discust at the picture of a dead man on the front of the paper but the fact that "they didn't do that for Diana"!

WTF? She hit a wall in a speeding car, who would want to see that?
(Mr Neil, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 16:52, Reply)

sofas
why is it that DFS MFI SCS and every other 3 letter sofa company has a "double discount sale, ends sunday at 5pm" every god damn weekend!!!! and people still fall for it!, damn fools, oh yeh, and why do they all have 3 letters and nobody knows what they actually stand for?!?!?
(kramit http://lpjam.blogspot.com/ woo yay, blog spam, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 16:50, Reply)

brail
oh yeh, and another thing

why is it that you now find brail over everything? i mean brail in a lift, how is the blind guy supposed to find the lift in the first place, and there is even brail in lifts in the NCP car parks, i mean WTF is a blind person doing in a car park in the first place? everyone is way to obsessed with being P.C. hence why there is too many people on the doll and no1 will do anything about it. cut them all off and then see how much better off this country will be. they eather work or starve.
(kramit http://lpjam.blogspot.com/ woo yay, blog spam, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 16:38, Reply)

why my house mate won't admit
he's mostly gypsy

funty - maybe he uses it to block the crack in his door?
(hippoman, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 16:35, Reply)

Kylie!
Kylie!

Horse-toothed, tuneless midget...

This is the best QTW in ages!
(MizStinky, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 16:33, Reply)

the whole cake and eating thing
I don't see why none of you understand the cake thing.

"You can't have your cake and eat it too." is how it goes.

You have cake. Then you eat it. You can't have it, AND eat it at the same time, because you've eaten it. Think of it more as a bite-sized cake you'd eat in one go rather than a whole birthday cake or something that it'd take you a day or three to get through. It's a stupid phrase but it makes plenty of sense.

In the end it just means you can't always have everything the way you want it. Don't see why people don't just say that.

Who's up for a slice of cake then?
(dr3wrocks, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 16:33, Reply)

the ring
Ok, scary zombie girl comes out of your tv and you know that she is gonna kill/mutlate/rape you. do you

A) turn and run, very very fast

B) pick up the nearest heavy blunt object and wail her over the head with it

or C) wait politely for here to slowly walk toward you and tear you soul a new one?


oh yeh, and zombie movies? why oh why dont they figure out you have to shoot them in the head until the end of the movie? havnt you ever played house of the dead!??!?!
(kramit http://lpjam.blogspot.com/ woo yay, blog spam, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 16:32, Reply)

thanks gorky/hobag
for the emo explanation.

can't help on the 3 blondes thing though. sorry.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 16:20, Reply)

Guns
Why is it taht most boys have an obsession with guns and weapons?

Give a pair of boys a stick each and within 5 minutes they'll pretend they're guns or swords.

Even the most 'camp' of boys at my school go absolutely beserker when playing Paintball or airsoft.

Buh?
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 16:02, Reply)

The Smart car!
Think about it!
(psychomonkey padded cell and drugged bananas, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 15:45, Reply)

elimination of poverty
When I was a nipper i never quite understood why or how anyone could be poor. I once got one of those commerative coins and my mum explained it was made at the royal mint, where all the money in England was produced. This perplexed me greatly, and to this day i cannot fully explain why, if people are suffering and living on the breadline, on a daily basis, they dont just print some more money and give it to them. It sounds childishly naive now i say it out loud.......
(jammydodger22, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 15:35, Reply)

Porn abbreviations!
For example, DP,DA,A

How can something sexual be made to sound like an University qualification!

Oh, and Funty, i can only think it's part of the goatse training kit!
(psychomonkey padded cell and drugged bananas, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 15:32, Reply)

What's the Joke?
When I was younger, my Dad bought me and my brother one of those joke books (1001 jokes for kids or summat). There was this one joke that I never understood, and still don't, and neither does my brother or anyone else I've told it too, and it still annoys the hell out of me to this day, 15 years later. It goes:

'It was getting near to Jimmy's birthday, so Mum asked him what he wanted most. 'A ping pong ball mom!' Mum was confused, and spoke to dad about it. The next day, Dad asked Jimmy what he wanted - 'A ping-pong ball dad!' Dad was similarly confused. The next day, they both asked him, and still the reply was 'A ping-pong ball please!' Each time they asked him what he wanted, Jimmy would always say 'A ping-pong ball!' On his birthday, Jimmy opened lots of presents, including a new bike, but looked dissapointed. Then, Mum and Dad handed him a box, which he opened, and exclaimed 'Wow! A ping-pong ball! Thanks!' He then rushed upstairs, extremely excited. After a few minutes, mum and dad crept upstairs to see why Jimmy was so excited. Dad peeked around Jimmy's door, and exclaimed 'Ah! So THATS what you wanted the ping pong ball for'

And that's it, thats the joke. What the hell! Where's the punchline!? Why did he want a ping-pong ball? What was he doing with it? Why is it so important! Is it just me being thick or what?
It is some kind of postmodernist joke, y'know, it's-funny-cos-there-is-no-punchline? Is it funny cos you never find out why he wanted the bastard ping pong ball and that's the joke? WHAT IS IT! And why has this bugged the crap out of me for 15 years!!!

To this day, I can't hear the words 'ping-pong ball' without wincing.
(Funty, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 15:29, Reply)

coffee...
purchased by a colleague after you said "no, it`s OK, I`m fine, I don`t want any coffee"

expensive (for Starbucks) stuff that tastes like burnt toast, and even though it`s lukewarm, it still manages to create a burning sensation on the tongue

.. what the fuck`s that all about?
( Reckless_Rik, Tue 5 Apr 2005, 15:28, Reply)