Apparently I'm a sex offenderI was once paid £15 to count the amount of people visiting a hairdresser. I stood outside for 3 hours with a clicky counter in my pocket, pressing it every time a person entered. Suddenly there's a copper in front of me, I turn and there's another behind. "What are you up to sunshine?" "A rival hairdresser wants to count the competition" "Well, there's been a call from the shop owner that there's a ginger bloke standing outside fiddling with his cock." Have you ever done anything that made strangers think you were a pervert?
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rob, Thu 17 Aug 2006, 22:20)
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Mummy, those ladies are staring at me funny...Oh god, I’ve had to drag this one of the ‘repressed memories’ box… I was on holiday with a friend a couple of years back, proper cheap last-minute job, two weeks in Corfu staying in a grotty beetle infested apartment in a run down resort. There were about 5 bars in the town; needless to say, we were in them every night. Getting drunk was the only way to cope with the relentless boredom. One evening we were sat outside one of the more popular, family orientated bars, getting absolutely lashed. There was a karaoke competition in full swing, with a fine selection of chavs belting out Whitney Houston and shit R’n’B covers. Fairly late on, a girl, about 10 years old, gets up to sing. And she’s picked ‘My heart will go on’ from Titanic; sung by everyone’s favourite horse-faced French Canadian lyric murderer, Celine Dion. She nervously picks up the mike, clears her throat and… launches into one of the most painful renditions of this song I have ever had the misfortune to endure in my 32 years on this planet. But bless, she tried. My pal leans over to me and slurs “You know what, Rak, we should congratulate her. I mean, she was shit, but she had guts, you know?” “Thass a grea’ idea. Let’s buy her a drink.” So we call the waitress over and ask her to deliver a coca-cola to the girl at her table and to say it’s from the two ladies over by the bar to commend her on her performance.
The drink duly gets delivered and the girl’s parents are in conversation with the waitress who steps aside to gesticulate in our direction to indicate that we’d bought the drink. Unfortunately what the parents saw was two incredibly drunk 30 year old women apparently leering over their ten year old daughter. They grabbed their offspring by the arm and stormed out of the bar. My pal looks at me in horror, then bellows “My god, they thought we were lesbian paedos.” “Well, the whole bar do now…” We spent the rest of the night crying in a mixture of hysteria and shame.
She made me promise on pain of death never to repeat this to anyone. But I’m only telling you. It’ll be our special little secret….
(, Tue 22 Aug 2006, 13:04, Reply)
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