Let's see...
French teacher, when I was unable to locate my homework from the pile of paper on my desk: Tidy up those folders, you're so disorganised that if you don't sort everything out you WILL fail your exams! (I did not change my filing system. I got an A in French. Hah.)

Chemistry teacher: Only heat the solution to produce water of crystallisation. (Five minutes later little white crystals are pinging out of the crucible like popcorn, which I thought was hilarious.)

Various friends: You CANNOT go with him! He's way too old for you, he's arrogant, he's creepy... etc. (The one time I actually should have listened.)

Weirdo ex-best friend, now freaky stalker: I never want you to forget the fun we had in our lessons, and that I'll always love you to bits as a friend! (Aargh. Ignoring this one is very difficult, but ongoing.)
( Maladicta, Thu 11 May 2006, 0:05, Reply)

Not very funny...
but for once, true.

I was given a nice watch, a Rotary, from my former girlfriend for Christmas. Tried to adjust the date and couldn't get the knob to extend. Kept pulling but nothing so used a small screwdriver to prise it out. It worked but wouldn't stay back in afterwards, so I took it back to the shop, only to be asked if I had "unwound it anticlockwise first". "Of course" I exclaim, thinking all along "fucksocks", but it got repaired anyway. Sure enough, got home and it was there in the instructions
( Dabooka_ has changed his name on, Wed 10 May 2006, 23:53, Reply)

whilst working in Israel..
in 1999 I was walking along a dried up river bed with my friend, beautiful hot sunny day, sun tan getting darker by the second, plenty of food and water no rush. On we carried walking along, looking at how the sand had dried with the waterflow marks still in it.

After half an hour of walking we see a sign on the edge of the "river", so we go have a look at it.

The top half is all written in Hebrew which neither of us can read.

Underneath written in English was this:

DANGER!!!!!
LANDMINES!!!!!
DO NOT WALK!!!!!

Ooops ! lol
(Laxly, Wed 10 May 2006, 21:07, Reply)

Driving Instructions
Soon after I was assessed to drive vehicles for the Royal Mail, I was packed off to the wilderness to work, where I've been ever since. The sort of rural offices where I went bouncing in and was met with, "Here you. Are you from the big city?" "Aye, Stirling's a real sprawling metropolis lads."

Anyhow, on the rural duties, I got three days training: one day the established postie showing you the run and two days doing it yourself, but with the old postie in the passenger seat. First day in and I'm soaking all the information in no problem. About a quarter of the way in and we come to a cattle grid which has a dip in it, which had caused by an articulated lorry. So the old boy says: "Remember, SLOW DOWN here." "Nae bother old boy."

So, second day on the duty and we're approaching this cattle grid. Now, the problem with this was that it was at the end of an exceedingly long, flat straight which I found was quite easy to cruise along at a fair speed. "Remember the cattle grid?" "Sure do". And I start to lift off the accelerator. Not brake, but lift off. Surely, the dip can't be that bad? "You are remembering the cattle grid?" "Aye of course, there it is there."

And there it was there. At about 20mph, which doesn't sound at lot, we hit the cattle grid and found out that it WAS a lot. The dip was in the passengers side and as we clattered off this bump, the old boy was airborne and clattered his head off the ceiling of the van. Fuck. A day in and I've potentially injured the senior postman and fucked the van. As it transpired, he was alright and surprisingly, so was the van: the only thing I had damaged was the screen washer tank, as well as my reputation. Every postie in the sticks now knows about my cattle grid exploits, as well as the mechanics and use it whenever they can...I take it easy over that cattle grid nowadays, although the straight is still fun...
(Rob Roy The Postie is looking for alternative employment, Wed 10 May 2006, 19:12, Reply)

Femfresh
I once cleaned my face at an ex's house with Femfresh

I didn't exactly ignore the label reading 'for intimate female use', just didn't read it at all

All was good until my face skin started tightening and drying up

God knows what it does to the minge
(Massive Prolapse, Wed 10 May 2006, 19:07, Reply)

Tube
I'm the sort of person who obeys instructions as a rule, like "walk on the left" or "stand on the right". As a result I feel that people who don't are SCUM and deserve everything they get (If you ever get shoved aside walking the wrong way down a tube corridor, its probably me)*.

But it's the blokes who walk along the yellow line that really get to me. I have stood on said line myself, with a train pulling out, mere inches from painful electric death. And there's still some pratt who decides to chance it by walking between me and the fast train/now sucking gap, rather than wait 5 seconds for the queue to clear. Obviously I don't move (queue behind me, and c.f. "SCUM" above), resulting in a cliffhanger-ish skip/hop as they try to manouvre in the six inches of space left.


*No women, no children to quote Leon
(nancyboy Oooh that tickles, Wed 10 May 2006, 16:57, Reply)

Dear Ogwen:
If you are going to comment on other posts, please make sure the post about which you are commenting is no more than 5 posts away from your own.

*Oops, just ignored my own instructions*
(Mr_Jums, Wed 10 May 2006, 16:52, Reply)

Listerene type madness
More of a 'didn't bother reading the instructions' really...

Wandering about the hellhole that was/is the stretford Arndale with a mate after a night of beers and curry; mate keeps going on about my curry breath, so in a fit of hygene, a bottle of bright RED mouthwash (Old Skool Listerene or similar) is bought, opened and a large swig taken. Seconds later, my entire mouth is dissolving into a warm slimy gobful of sloughed skin as the lining of my palette, tongue and gums is eaten away as a single layer.
Cue much hilarity from mate as I run around desperately looking for something to
a) spit into
and /or
b) drink.

I finally found a bin, and gobbed what looked like a discarded python skin in raspberry juice into it.

Looking on the box it said:

'use 1 teaspoonful in a glass of water and use to rinse mouth...'

Got rid of the garlicky breath, though..
( hplasm, Wed 10 May 2006, 16:42, Reply)

Surely it's more about creating something interesting and amusing than "sticking to the brief"
And by arguing like this we're just wasting more posts than these "fake stories".

And yes, I notice the irony in posting this.
( Naive Amoeba Bored Cig, Wed 10 May 2006, 16:21, Reply)

I love it...
... when the QOTW is getting to the end and it starts to become like another talk board.
(Christopsy, Wed 10 May 2006, 16:16, Reply)

Brady
I concur with the reaction to the posts made by Brady.

Christ on a sodding bike, there's enough rot written on the QOTWs by saddos making stuff up, in the vain attempt to be funny/witty/appear exciting, without unfunny mutterings by the insanely bored being posted.

I may not contribute much, but I'd rather say little when I have little to say, rather than create mush for the sake of making a post.

And relax.......
( Dabooka_ has changed his name on, Wed 10 May 2006, 16:14, Reply)

Listerine
When it says on a bottle of Listerine: "do not swallow" they are not wrong, jesus that stuff tastes bad.
(simpson, Wed 10 May 2006, 16:02, Reply)

Another tube instruction..
"Keep everything clear of the doors"

!!what me, keep everything away from the doors - I haven't enough hands or time to do that !!
( Signify, Wed 10 May 2006, 15:58, Reply)

Disasterprone...
I also made some comments a few weeks ago which resulted in a slap on the wrists from the mighty b3ta Gods and some instructions to not do it again. Perhaps, ironicaly considering this weeks qotw, these are instructions we should try not to ignore.

I am however in complete agreement with you and am only a couple of beers away from probably getting my account revoked or something for having another go at him
(Gomi No Sensei, Wed 10 May 2006, 15:47, Reply)

Ogwen69
Despite the "Dogs must be carried joke" being frighteningly old, it still apparently causes amusement for some.

I used to work for the Underground; one of my co-workers called Paul found that joke really funny (no really) and would frequently say "Where's your dog? Dogs must be carried on the escalators you know!" to tired, stressed commuters. Until one day at King's Cross, one of the punters snapped and Paul got smacked in the mouth for it. Then it *was* funny for everyone else.
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Wed 10 May 2006, 15:16, Reply)

My doctor said if I did
any more coke then i'd die. However, I've just done a massive great li
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 10 May 2006, 13:57, Reply)

A couple of qotw's ago
I was instructed not to describe Brady as an irrelevant unimaginative cunt who never sticks to the question and should shut the fuck up until he has a witty and relevant answer.

However I am going to ignore that instruction.

Brady is an irrelevant unimaginative cunt who never sticks to the question and should shut the fuck up until he has a witty and relevant answer.

I am aware that this is not witty, nor friendly, but for fuck's sake, I even find myself missing Stusut79's rambling. And he was dire...

maybe Brady is simply a reincarnation...
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Wed 10 May 2006, 13:52, Reply)

weebear1974
That's stolen from the Beano FFS!
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Wed 10 May 2006, 13:41, Reply)

Warning: Contains nuts
That packet of peanuts sure taught me a lesson
(brad83, Wed 10 May 2006, 12:15, Reply)

Fertilizer......
Do not mix with any other chemical

However me and my mates had some fertilizer (EDIT: might have been weedkiller now I think about it) that was about 70% sodium chlorate.

We thought it would be fun to mix it with sugar and light it.

It took a fair bit to light due to the fact it contained a flame retardant, but when it lit boy did it burn. The small pile we'd put on my mates path burnt a hole through the paving slab.

Cue experiment number 2. Copper pipe with a sealed end. drill hole through the side of the pipe and fill with previous mixture. seal other end of pipe. place match heads over hole, light and run like fuck.

Provided that you sealed one end less than the other, it will blow from the pressure and act like a copper rocket (not a ginger blokes cock).

Cue us boasting later that week to our chemistry teacher about our discovery.

Obviously our knowledge of pyrotechnics was limited in comparison to his, as he proceeded not to tell us to stop doing it because it was dangerous, he told us to take a few basic safety precautions

i.e. DON'T LET IT GET WET!!!!!

why?

THEY WILL REACT IN SOLUTION!!!!

meaning that if it gets wet the whole tin (in which we had about 2 kilo's of the stuff) would commit suicide in the shallow grave in which it was hidden at the end of my mates garden.

Unfortunately for us, his parents got back from holiday that morning and we were therefore unable to dig the tin out without being spotted by the concerned parent gestapo.

3 days later a loud bang was heard in the middle of teh night which his parents put down to a car backfiring outside.

A 6 foot crater was at the end of the garden, and full of water due to teh heavy rainfall the night that it went boom.

They still know it was our fault, but they don't know how it happened.




Still, it killed 2 garden gnomes in the process

length? warum?
(Darkpie 3.243F6A8885A308D31319, Wed 10 May 2006, 9:40, Reply)

On the subject of 'feminine protection'
it is possible to concentrate TOO hard on the instructions.

My mate bought some expensive, 'anatomically shaped' self-adhesive girly doodahs.

She managed to attach one in the right position but upside down.

An hour later we heard a bloodcurdling scream from the bog when she removed it, giving herself a spontaneous Brazilian.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Wed 10 May 2006, 8:50, Reply)

Angela Lansbury
It has long been my hobby to post tins of salmon to Angela Lansbury from Murder She Wrote, after an episode of Today with Des and Mel in which she appeared and stated a mild fondness for salmon.

One particular day I was in Tesco buying 452 tins of salmon to post to Angela when I reached the checkout. The old lady at the till scanned them all through and then said "please enter your P.I.N". I looked at her for a minute or two and then a lovely rage overcame me. I grabbed her by her throat and brought her face close to mine. Then I opened and ate every single tin of salmon right there in her face. When I finished I felt quite ill and went home to play scrabble.
(Andrew Avetoom, Wed 10 May 2006, 7:54, Reply)

years and years ago
My sister's best friend decided that as a young woman of 14 years, it was time to switch from pads to tampons. She didn't bother to read how the "plastic applicator" part of a tampon works, and just stuck the whole thing up there and left it that way. It didn't work very well. Ewww.


( madrabbit is fully prepared, Wed 10 May 2006, 7:50, Reply)

Beautiful Sun
My next door neighbor lost his night vision for staring at the sun "because it was JUST so BEAUTIFUL!" Then again, no one, not even his parents, had ever told him not to stare at the sun, even though he lived in Arizona, where the sun is damned bright. Didn't it hurt? "Not exactly," he said.

Sharp pain in the eyes is an instruction of sorts, but ineffective when masochists are concerned.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Wed 10 May 2006, 7:02, Reply)

"Datura gets you high...
... but can also make you blind"

Cue me being in a state of mild panic for around 4 days while I couldn't read anything smaller than 10 point.
(winestain, Wed 10 May 2006, 5:50, Reply)

Using beakers as cups
A major rule of chemistry: Never drink from lab equipment!

I used to know someone that would drink soda from a beaker or a test tube. One day he's gonna drink from the wrong one.

Johnny was a chemist
but Johnny is no more
for what he thought was H2O
was H2SO4
(evil_penguin_17 Robots of Doom... Attack!, Wed 10 May 2006, 3:41, Reply)

Technically there were no instructions on the bag...
When I was young - I guess about 20 - I bought a bag of roast chestnuts from a cheeky vendor outside Tower Hill station and munched away on my train home.

I got really full after about six or seven, and it was only after I got home that my mother told me you were supposed to remove the shells before you eat them.

Apologies for the girth of my stool.
(misteroz, Wed 10 May 2006, 3:08, Reply)

Read a while ago in Fortean Times...
...so might not be exactly accurate...translation of instructions on a Swedish chainsaw

Do not operate on hands or testicles
(Shining Love Pig, Wed 10 May 2006, 1:18, Reply)

peppers
You know when the people say dont touch peppers and put them in your eyes well one day i was eating pizza and i got some peppers out of teh box started eating them but when my eyes started watering because they were so hot i rubbed them with my hand that i touched teh peppers with and my eyes were burning for weeks.

on the whole pepper thing when i was in 7th grade we had this semi retarted kid and everyone payed him like 2 dollors and he took one of those same peppers and squirted teh juice in his eyes then took the seeds out and rubbed them in his eye. before that we payed him to take the pepper and put it up his nose and inhale he did and his nose started bleading quite perfusly.
(The abominable coffee table Likes french fries, Wed 10 May 2006, 0:16, Reply)

lost in translation
When I was in the military there was a guy who put his contacts in window cleaner.

His roommate mistranslated the korean label on a bottle the roommates parents had sent him.

His whole head was wrapped in thick bandages.

I'm just glad he wasn't actually a zombie, but it was shaky there for a minute.
(incipient, Tue 9 May 2006, 23:07, Reply)