Ebay again (and again and again...)
In exactly the same way that I became the owner of Human Remains, I came into possession of this beauty.

I began a perfectly innocent search on Ebay for a photo frame and within 3 minutes was the owner of a 3 foot tall original painting of a ship, done entirely in shades of brown, with a gilt frame - classy!

Now, I like ships and I like the colour brown (make of that what you will) so I was more than willing to part with a mere £35 for such a masterpiece and waited with giddy anticipation for it to arrive.

Unfortunately, while my other half is fond of surprises, it turns out she is very much not fond of finding that 6 square feet of wood, liberally coated with a multitude of browns and surrounded by the cheapest frame the artist could lay their hands on, has materialising on the dining room wall... tsk, women!

nearly two years on it's still hanging there though... :)
(brainmeat ... and that's why it burns when you pee., Wed 27 May 2009, 14:01, 5 replies)

I bought a Bullworker X5 from Argos
You know - one of those chest expander things to make you go all Charles-Atlas..

Thought it was awfully heavy as I was walking up the street...
Thought 'Cor, I need this thing - I'm even weaker than I thunk'!

Got home, opened the box - they had given me a box of 4 Bullworkers!
Huzzah!
Me - 4 Argos - 0

You should see my pecs now... Lordy, I'm like a regular Vimto Diesel!
(1obster twunter.com/I'm bored of it too now, Wed 27 May 2009, 14:00, Reply)

One of my more expensive purchases...
A Football Club

Can't seem to get it to work properly though


Yours

Roman Abramovic

*Bindun?*
(Is this a good idea? ... Yes this is definitely a good idea, Wed 27 May 2009, 13:59, Reply)

Just spent
50% of this months' wages on a PC. Not all that expensive, but I stumbled across it browsing on eBay, and it only had 4 minutes left. Not really an impulse buy as I've been shopping around for a while, this was just a pressure buy! 4 minutes to make sure it's a bargain, price it up on Scan, and put the (first and only...) bid in. I don't think I've ruined my life, yet.
( Rookie You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel, Wed 27 May 2009, 13:37, 2 replies)

Lovely meal
I made my girlfriend a lovely stir fry last night. I served it up and we sat down; candles, table cloth, romantic music, the fucking works. Then I suddenly remembered something:

"I bought a dog today," I said.

"Oh," she replied, brightening up a bit. "Where is it?" And she went to stand. "Is it in the kitchen?"

"Ummm - sort of... Well, you're eating a bit of it now..."
( SpankyHanky, Wed 27 May 2009, 12:58, 11 replies)

A cat
though it wasn't so much a 'Buy', as it was free.

Over the years, though, the fucking thing's costs me hundreds, if not thousands, in cat food, immunizations, litter, string and rattly things.

Not to mention the fact that it shat everywhere more than once. No wonder the previous owner didn't want it.

Eventually I beat its brains out with a shovel and buried it under the begonias.

(Not really. Little fucker will be sitting behind the front door meowing when I get home, actually.)
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Wed 27 May 2009, 12:51, 2 replies)

A Motorhome
I've just bought a five year old 6 berth motorhome.....and I live on my own....

Its a Bessacarr E795 for anyone who knows these things - WHAT WAS I THINKING? It was sat outside the pub and the owner was a lovely chap. A few pints of Hobgoblin later and the deal was done.

I know all my holidays are now sorted but £26,000? I reckon I'll be quids in by 2097! The nice man in the pub said they don't depreciate, a bit like boats......me and my big ideas!
(penrose your dog's got tits, Wed 27 May 2009, 12:45, 11 replies)

A long time ago, I hit a crossroads in my life that was settled with an impulse purchase…

The quandry was: ‘Do I invest my meagre savings on a sparkly little engagement ring for my beloved girlfriend, or do I spluff the cash on treating myself to a gargantuan triple-pronged cast-iron dildo called the ‘Anal Annihilator 3000’?

All these years on, I don’t regret my decision one bit...despite the fact that my dungfunnel is now so slack and capacious that every time I proudly Goatse I’m in severe danger of turning myself completely inside-out.
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Wed 27 May 2009, 12:18, 8 replies)

Never smoke and go shopping
We were all dole scum thinking we were anarchists, sitting 'round my mate's flat one morning getting stoned.

He would not partake, as he'd decided that he was sorting himself out. He'd got his giro yesterday, and today he was going to go to Lidl and spend it all wisely, then come home, cook, and start work on his Magnum Opus.

"Go on - have a bang on that" said we.

"No. I'm being good. I'm sorting it out."

"It's reeeellly niiiice ... " said we.

"You guys are losers. I'm getting myself up and running again."

"Mmmmm ... lovely, lovely gear ... " we goaded.

An hour or so later he returned with several Lidl bags.

"You bastards ... " he moaned. He'd done his whole giro on pretty, sparkly crap - marshmallow flumps, crisps, Haribo, pancake mixture, coco pops, and a copy of Razzle ...
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 27 May 2009, 12:10, 2 replies)

A very nice man
from Nigeria contacted me recently by email. He offered me a great deal that I just couldn't refuse. All I had to do was wire him £500 to help him sort out some legal red tape so he can get his hands on his £1,000,000 fortune! AND he's promised to give me 10% of this fund when he eventually gets his hands on it. (He is the crown prince of somewhere-or-other, you know).

But I'm not a mug.

I expect there will be legal fees to pay, and what with the exchange rate I may only come away with about ninety grand.
(Big Grant, Wed 27 May 2009, 11:51, 5 replies)

Buisness IT
HND, study from home. Paid for it (£2500) last year.

In my big wisdom i spotted it on the internet - its all legit.

ive been doing it for 2.5 years, ive completed about 5-10% of it.

It sits in a folder next to my wardrobe.

I feel like crying just typing this.

:(
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Wed 27 May 2009, 11:46, 1 reply)

brand new bathroom suite
not me, but a friend.

his dad thought the house could do with a little sprucing up, so he went out on a whim and bought a brand new bathroom suite. new bath, sink, toilet, the lot. hundreds of pounds worth of stuff.

only problem is, for one reason or another, he never got round to getting any of it fitted. as i understand it, it's all still in their shed... 20 years on! would probably be far too corroded and mouldy to try to fit any of it now. epic waste of money.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Wed 27 May 2009, 10:54, Reply)

The force was strong with this purchase...
When Attack Of The Clones finished filming in Sydney there was a sale of leftover props and junk from production and somehow through a mate I managed to get in.
The first purchase was a helmet which was apparently worn by an extra in the background of a crowd scene... in other words a motorbike helmet with the visor cut into an interesting shape and a faux breather mask attached to the front.
I ride a motorbike, but was never going to trust this thing with my head. I'm a Star Wars fan but could never really prove this wasn't something I just knocked up in the shed.
In other words it was the proverbial chocolate teapot.
Last weekend after years of looking at it in the cupboard and wondering what on earth I was going to do with it, I gave it to a five year old and he's been wearing it ever since, including sleeping in it.
It is, according to his mum, the single coolest thing he's even owned (for the time being) and he loves it.
Just goes to show I guess.
Oh... the only other thing I bought at the sale was a set of six coat hangers allegedly from Ewan McGregor's trailer.
So I now have six jedi coat hangers... if only I could remember which ones they were.
( difficultchild, Wed 27 May 2009, 1:38, 1 reply)

a night of drunken ebaying
got me:
a "crusader" sword (some cheap fally apart thing from china)
a kukri
a map of the british empire
and a massive tub of protein powder
(Freddles, Wed 27 May 2009, 0:46, 3 replies)

Jaguar
3.2 litre, straight six, manual, saloon, XJ6.
£480
12 months on, couldn't be happier.
(Rich T has a clever and witty sig, Tue 26 May 2009, 23:43, 9 replies)

Goan get your arse raped.
I was on holiday in Goa and they had this little hut where you could get a holistic massage. "Holistic! That sounds nice" I thought, so I made an appointment.

When I got there it was this single room in a hut, with a bed in the middle. There was the masseuse who was a man, and his wife was standing outside, smiling through the window every so often.

"First of all" he said "you need to change into this". He gave me this thing to put on, like a ladies g string made of cotton. But the string bit was at the front AND the back. So I was standing there in the buff apart from a little g string, with my cock kind of poking timidly out the side. "Is this right!?" I asked and he said "yes, yes" whilst looking at my fiery thatch and laughing to himself.

"Now" he said, "lie on your front". Well that was a relief. He then proceeded to beat the crap out of me. But I was too polite to tell him I wasn't enjoying it in case it hurt his professional pride.

"Is this good?"
"aah FUCK. Yes its good, thank you. fuck IT".

I asked him how long we'd been going for, and he said "relax! Just 5 minutes so far". I'd booked for an hour and I nearly cried.

I had to turn over and I got a nipple gripple, this time with the added humiliation of having my knob waving at him, followed by a chinese burn on each wrist. Then he cracked all my knuckles, and actually started karate chopping between my toes.

When it was nearly over, I was back on my front, and he was massaging my arse, which was OK. But as a final touch he stuck his thumb up my crack. Like "there you go! all done! thumbs been up the chute, you're good to go". This last point is disputed by everyone I've told this story too, but the fact remains - that man digitally penetrated my anus horribilus.

When it was finally over I had to say thank you and pay him 40 quid and hobble back to my hotel room. And that was my worst ever impulse purchase.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Tue 26 May 2009, 23:22, 3 replies)

Not me, my Dad.
When I was a very young Dante. My Dad went out to the shops(which was across the road and one build down.), to buy a bottle of Milk.

On his return, he told my mother and myself that he brought a house....no milk tho.
(Dante licked your nipple on, Tue 26 May 2009, 22:59, 2 replies)

Chrome sill guard
I like shiny things - I make no apologies of the fact - it is, however, quite tragic.

There may have been some drink involved, but I decided that I **had** to have a chrome sill guard for the boot/bumper of my VW Passat. Saw it on ebay, made not one, but three "best offers" and forgot about them.

2 days later one was accepted and a week later, from germany, came the sill guard.

Fucksocks.

Cost me £50 too.

Reviewing the ad - it's all in bloody german too so I'm not sure how I managed that....
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Tue 26 May 2009, 22:38, Reply)

Cars. Just wrong.
I don't go by halves - I've impulse bought a car.

Well, the worst part is that I've done it several times and regretted it each time.

The most recent? A £12k Seat Leon TDi FR - otherwise known as the "Money pit of danger" - it was dangerous, uneconomical and sucked up more money than a newly crowned politician.

If I'd dug a hole, taken that money, set fire to it and then thrown petrol on it, that would have been a more sensible thing to do.

After purchase I had to service it (full service history my arse), get it towed - twice, sort a break in (alarm? don't make me fucking laugh) put 4 tyres on it (handling, ha ha ha ha), got travel sick as the ride was sooooo bad and eventually get rid when it hit standing water and shunted me in to the other lane of the motorway (which, fortunately, was empty).

In 5 months, it cost me £1500 and I lost £2k on the purchase.

Hate it? That would have been an understatement....
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Tue 26 May 2009, 22:28, 6 replies)

Price Drop T V
Who can resist the tempting Mistress that is Price drop TV, with the bargains to be had.

In quite a out of mind state I gazed upon the channel and before was the pinnacle of all Impulse Buys. £12.99 and it could be mine, but there was only seconds left as there were only a couple of them left. Quicker than a BNP member shaving a badgers arse I dialed the telephone number and entered my pin number (yes, i had been in this situation before, so only thought it prudent to setup an easy way to claim my goodies).

Low and behold I made it in time, it was mine!!!!! 8 days later my parcel arrived and I opened it like a kid on Christmas day.

The complete box set (12 DVD's) of Worzel Gummidge.

Length - Got about 5 minutes in and turned it off. - Set is now for sale :)
(spaceswitch is gonna gay ya, on, Tue 26 May 2009, 22:01, Reply)

I am not a fatty, honest
The moral of this story is to never go to a supermarket when you are hungry and have exams.

I now have 1L of ASDA extra special fudge brownie ice cream in the freezer. It'll be gone by this time tomorrow.

Om nom nom.
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Tue 26 May 2009, 20:55, 4 replies)

Spluffed bonus
I dropped my Kymco CK 125 which gave me an excellent opportunity to justify this:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=S65anHsV4i0

Bank Holiday test ride and new camera clamp road test :D

bathtub
(bathtub has renounced CS3 for paint.net, Tue 26 May 2009, 20:33, 8 replies)

Wardrobe and chest of drawers
I bought the above at a massively slashed priced from The Pier as they went tits up earlier this year. Hugely bargainous and very nicely made to boot.

Trouble is, I don't have a house. I live in a furnished student renty type place. So basically I bought a wardrobe for my parents to store all my crap in now that I don't live at home any more. Oh well, when I finally do buy a house I'll have a wardrobe to put in it!
(Stu Moo winner of five nobble piece prizes, Tue 26 May 2009, 20:10, Reply)

Please see http://www.b3ta.com/questions/impulsebuys/post427590
and then click if you want it to win. There are plenty of better stories this week.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Tue 26 May 2009, 19:49, 15 replies)

I splurged.
So, imagine being 17 years old and winning an essay competition organised by a major intellectual periodical (uh) in your country (Poland, in this case). You have a thousand crisp Polish zlotys (equivalent to roughly 250 quid I guess) in your pocket. What do you do?

Put it away to move out from the parents' home as soon as possible?

Put it away to buy some wreck of a shitty car to have sex in when you've finally gotten a driver's license and turned 18?

Or randomly realise that it's very sunny (it was in the middle of the summer), and that squinting all the time is getting on your nerves and giving you a bit of a headache and spending 700 zlotys on fucking Ray Ban Wayfarers?

The girlfriend thinks I look good in them, though.
(firestormviper!!1 approaching god through cigarettes, Tue 26 May 2009, 18:52, Reply)

Brian...
My first tattoo. Went with my mate whilst he had his done, no intention to get one my self.

Two hours later I walk out the shop, with a big fucking skull etched in to my right arm. He's fucking mint though, is Brian. He just leapt of the book and BAM! That was it!

Bit mental though.

He thinks some pretty fucked up shit... *shudders*
(The Boy Monders I have ginger bits in my beard., Tue 26 May 2009, 18:09, Reply)

Crystal Maze
I was bored and on Ebay, not the greatest combination, but at least I wasn't drunk...

All of a sudden, browsing the nearly ending items page, I see a crystal from the Crystal Maze! No bids, 1 minute to go, minimum bid of £10. That baby was mine!

So I bought it, it arrived, and it was shit. It doesn't even work as a prism, and it probably wasn't ever on the Crystal Maze...

When I was in Hong Kong, I saw bucket loads of them, for about 10p.

Stupid, fucking Ebay Cunts...
(The Kwyjibo A big, dumb, balding North American ape., Tue 26 May 2009, 18:04, Reply)

I bought a SatNav
I have no sense of direction. I get lost in big phone boxes. Yes, I am that useless. Pink Goddess, now, you can put her down anywhere in Brum and she can navigate home. Sorted. Me, not so much.

Not a problem for the last few years, as I drove a big Citroen, complete with all-important built-in satnav apparatus. All good (except the map was well out of date. It was so old it didn't include the M6 toll, nor several other important bypasses. My personal best was driving down a road... on a blank map page.)

Eventually the old Citroen had to go. 32 MPG on diesel wasn't cutting it, and the sheer horror of a £2K service (again) meant that this was now a non-starter. Oh, and the starter motor went outside the ex-wife's, which is the most embarrassing car-related moment ever.

So, on with shiny new MPV. Only problem is, built in satnav on our ride of choice is well north of a grand. Um, no, I'll buy a clip-on satnav for about a hundred quid then.

And so I did. One satnav. Sadly, the new car took much longer to arrive than we thought, so the satnav ticked over a month still in the shrinkwrap on my desk. Then, new car turns up, we have a go with the satnav, all seems good, and we triumphantly attach it to the new car. Whereupon it dies. Well, it turns on, lets you set it up, then turns off again. No good. No navigation, nothing. Arse.

So back to the shops, where the sharp-suited but utterly useless cockmonkeys say that since I didn't buy the extended warranty (approx 50% of purchase price), I am shit out of luck. I wish I could say that lashing out my money seemed justified for a pair of front-row seats at a textbook display of cunt-faced bollock-juggling, but sadly I get all the cunt-faced bollock-juggling I need just phoning my ISP's so-called Support line, and that's free.

So I got on to the vendor, and they're now dragging out endless variations of 'try this suggestion...', 'this'll fix it...'. This is apparently what my year's warranty is worth. I think I finally reached the point where I want to drive over there, find the donkey-molesting waste of skin who's supposedly looking after my case, plunge my arm down his throat and tear out his still-twitching ringpiece, when their instructions told me "click on the Start button on the bottom-right hand corner of the screen". I have a Mac. And even if I had a PC, I'm pretty damn sure that the Start button is in the bottom left hand corner of the screen. I know because I'm a Windows sysadmin at work. Honest.

And you know what *stops* me driving over there and tearing those chair-moistening knob-faces new ones? It's not laziness. It's not even Pink Goddess putting a soft hand on my arm, fluttering her delicious eyelashes, and murmuring softly that I should calm down. No, it's that I can't find the place because my bloody sat-nav doesn't work. Arse.
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Tue 26 May 2009, 17:41, 4 replies)

Roland Synthesizer
In a small village auction room, surrounded by pottery dogs and bits of farm machinery, I spotted a Roland SH101 synthesizer. I was about twenty at the time and thought this was an amazing discovery. I nervously made the first bid, which ended up being the only bid so it was mine. It seems middle aged farming folk have little interest in a keyboard with not only a guitar strap and pitch-bend attachment but also a built in sequencer - the fools. I was beside myself with excitement but this soon wore off when I got it home and realised - A: it was not the early 80's, it was the mid 90's and it really wasn't very cool at all, and B: I didn't have the necessary skills to play more than the opening riff of 'Sweet child of mine', repeat it for most of the day using the sequencer and pitch bend it till it was completely out of tune. Naturally this did not endear me to my fellow housemates at the time. In those pre-Ebay days I resorted to a classified ad in the NME and soon a geeky youth answered it and arrived at my door. I showed him the original packaging and wowed him with my one and only riff. He left, £150 poorer and I spunked the money on a festival ticket and enough beer money to last me all weekend. It may have been an impulse buy but it had only cost me £30. Thank you Mr Roland. Thank you very much.
(Mr McKenzie Mr McKenzie, Tue 26 May 2009, 17:23, 3 replies)