Impulse leads to impulse...
I bought and Xbox 360 on impulse when I had some spare cash. That was fine and affordable but then I had to go out and replace my TV with a Sony Bravia HD one because playing on a regular TV was shite.... Then I had to impulsively go out and purchase a year’s worth of Gold membership to play online.

Turned out to be quite expensive in the end. . .
(aroe_m0rre, Fri 22 May 2009, 13:16, Reply)

Waterbed
The hardest thing is getting your balance...

Kim had stripped off her jeans and peeled down her panties and was on all fours, wiggling her fine peachy arse, parting her legs slightly so I could see her glorious, wonderful, amazing, glistening pudenda - her beef curtains were so large and pronounced they almost scraped the bedsheets as she beckoned me to jab her valley of a thousand pleasures.

I kicked off my shoes, whipped off my trousers and boxers, and clambered onto the fucker - not Kim, but the fucking waterbed. And fuck me, that was fucking hard work. I instantly felt as if I'd downed twenty Jack Daniels introveniously and lost all motornuron control.

Kim whimpered like a strangled kitten, she was getting impatient. She reached round and stroked her velvety labia and slid an errant finger up her brown bullet hole.

"OOOoooooHHHHhhhhH!!!" she breathed.

And I was harder than a bunch of Millwall supporters at an anger management class in an instant.

I edged closer to Kim, my cock swaying and bobbing with the weird rippling undulation of the water-filled matress. I positioned myself behind her and she grabbed my spam dagger and guided it into her flowing slimey spunk funnel.

I grabbed hold of her hips and pumpped away. It was fucking great... Once I got going the weird inertia of the waterbed actually helped my technique no end.

Kim moaned, I moaned. Then, after exactly two-and-a-half-minutes of superstud action I pulled out and sprayed a thick stream of ropey bollock broth over Kim's arse and up her back.

Spent, we dressed, Kim wiping herself down on the slinky satin sheets.

That's when I turned to the Ikea shop assistant and said:

"That was pretty damn good, mate - can we try that bed over there now?"
( SpankyHanky, Fri 22 May 2009, 13:15, 15 replies)

Amish Information Systems' post reminded me.
I bought a copy of the film 'Pi'. It went on forever.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 22 May 2009, 13:12, Reply)

Impulse buy yesterday afternoon
A load of Arnie films (Specifically Predator, Eraser, Commando, True Lies, Terminator 1 and 2) were acquired for next to nothing thanks to my HMV voucher and student card. I watched Predator and T1 last night back to back.

This was probably a bad idea. I've now got Arnie quotes and general awesome one liners lodged in my head and as I work with two women, I've been trying to avoid using them all day for fear of coming off as a sexual tyrannosaurus. Fucksocks.

Arnie is the king of one liners.
(Ghost Atreides enjoying incontestable health benefits on, Fri 22 May 2009, 13:11, 10 replies)

the joys of lego and ebay....
It was about four years ago when I was bored and was searching ebay for things to waste my hard earned pennies on when I stumbled across the idea of rekindling my fondness with the plastic little stubby bricks of Denmarkian fame.... It started off with the red supercar from the technic range when before I knew what was happening I had happily and giddingly won not one but eight or nine auctions with the total grand final sum of over £600 in the space of only two weeks, oh well I guess you've gotta spend money to enjoy yourself I thought! I had a month of great memories coming back when I was crouched on the floor sifting through huge mounds of newly looking lego, it was when friends and family would visit that it dawned on me that playing with lego when your almost thirty is probably not the best thing to be doing with ones time! I ended up finishing the sets hidden away as my giddy laughs and smug smile were looking like I had turned into some deranged geek (i've since consolidated myself to realizing i've perhaps been one all my life!). Anyhow, years later I find the said boxes of lego all tucked back away in their respective pristine boxes (I made sure of this when i purchased them off ebay to begin with....again geek!), now although I loved to own these pieces of joy....I had colllected the red supercar, the model previous to that (black supercar), the jcb, a space shuttle with light and sound and pnuematics!, a plane, a forklift, and a huge lorry with rear claw. So with no funds for new toys or gadgets I begrudgingly put them all back on ebay hoping to get a bit back on this crazy impulse buy......as it turned out not only did I sell all sets straight away but I actually MADE money!!! So to all who have that rush of blood running through your veins when your in a shop/online hovering over the buy it now button, go for it! You have nothing to lose but your pennies....
(I should point out that when selling items like lego on ebay I suggest postage only and NOT free pickup.....you should have seen some of the characters that came to collect! The one that sticks in my mind is a wife who'd been sent out with her shopping trolly to collect one of the larger sets, her face was that of someone who had obviously argued with the better half about what it was exactly that he was spending the joint wage on that week.....priceless!)
(violentcake has got fieldrunners on the brain...., Fri 22 May 2009, 13:11, Reply)

ebay+paypal = childhood dreams shattered
Sure everyone's been the same, I always wanted a snow speader as a kid, my mate had one and dammit I wanted one.

Now I've got a bit of money that trickles into a paypal account from some online stuff, it's all disposable so what can I spend it on...

Got a load of starwars toys that I always wanted but never had, AT AT, X Wing, Falcon etc, now I've got them, what the fuck to do with them, some are now just in storage in the loft, much like I suspect all the toys that everyone else got 25 years ago.
(bluehamster, Fri 22 May 2009, 12:56, Reply)

Not really an impulse buy.
But a little bit of insight into my lifestyle.

I take home about £1200 a month. Yes it's a shit job but what can you do. Take away £100 for rent (still live with folks) and £20 for my phone contract.

I rarely buy new clothes, rarely buy CD's, I don't drive, rarely buy computer games, DVD's, Books, Takeaways, fancy gimmicky ipods, guitars, anything.

75% of my income goes towards drinking. I'll goto the pub on Friday night, not think anything of taking out £100 just for the Friday. then Saturday could be anything between £100 to £200. Just sitting in the pub getting wankered.

What a sad sad existence.

BUT I FUCKING LOVE IT!

I sense my e-cool rating has just gone stratospheric.
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Fri 22 May 2009, 12:55, 11 replies)

Meccano
So much talk of Lego - what about Meccano?

I yielded to a long-held urge to buy a small Meccano set last week and see If I enjoyed assembling it as much as I did when I was a kid.

Did I ever!

I just got paid - tomorrow I'm going to buy the Daddy of Meccano - a remote control jeep.

I am sooooooooooo excited!

rafter
baz
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Fri 22 May 2009, 12:47, Reply)

Trigger
You’d like Trigger. Although he’s not spectacularly bright (hence his somewhat predictable moniker), he represents the eternal optimist in each of us, unbowed by occasional ineptitude or haplessness.

You have to admire his tenacity of spirit which keeps him motivated when everyone else around him is screaming “for fuck’s sake Trigger, why don’t you just throw in the towel and admit defeat?”. Trigger’s DIY ineptitude is born of a willing heart, usually with the intention of treating his long suffering wife to another home improvement. Somehow her plea of “let’s just get the professionals in love?” always goes unheeded.

One bright and sunny Friday, he waltzed into his workplace and announces that he’s going to spend his sizeable quarterly bonus on a self assembly pagoda so that his wife could entertain her friends in the garden - that very weekend in fact, for the pagoda kit was being delivered early on Saturday morning and the weather forecast was looking promising. The numerous sniggers and guffaws from his mocking colleagues didn’t dampen his enthusiasm one iota, for he spent his lunch break canvassing his colleagues’ advice on each part of the project as they all poured over the plans.

“You wanna make sure the foundations are up to the job” said one

“Tell you what, I’ll sketch out the dimensions of the holes you’ll need to dig for you” suggested another, helpfully.

Fifteen minutes later, the depth and dimensions of the required foundations were detailed on a sheet of A4 which was then stapled to the instructions. Surely nothing could possibly go wrong…

Nine O’clock the following morning found Trigger outside, shovel in hand digging away like a happy navvy, meticulously re-reading his colleagues’ instructions and measuring the plots to the exact centimetre. By lunchtime, he’d dug four large holes to sink the legs of the pagoda into and had worked out exactly how much cement he was going to need. Contrary to popular prediction, Trigger’s arithmetic was flawless. Trigger was somewhat surprised as to how much cement would be required, but driven by ambition of making his wife happy, he was keen to do a proper job. Off to B&Q he went.

An hour later and Trigger returned home, making an awful din because the creaking suspension of his Ford Ranger pickup was scraping against the driveway. The reason why the pickup had a distinctly nose-up stance was because there was a whopping half a ton of cement in the back of it.

By six O’clock, the four legs of the pagoda had been sunk into the holes and the cement had been poured in around them. By the following afternoon, he was ready to fit the roof, so he phoned one of his workmates who duly arrived to help. By Sunday evening the pagoda was finally complete. His wife could look forward to many summers of civilised garden parties. You really didn’t expect it to be that easy did you?

“Your wife’s mates had better be fucking dwarves, Trig” said his friend as they turned a critical eye to their handiwork.

Indeed, the roof of the pagoda stood barely five feet above the ground. Only the severely vertically disadvantaged and experienced limbo dancers would be able to make full use of it.

“I don’t understand where we went wrong…” said Trigger, scratching his head as he reread the plans and the dimensions for the foundations, anxiously searching for some missing piece of the jigsaw that would explain the structure’s lack of altitude.

“You fucking stupid prick Trigger...”

The answer dawned as Trigger reread the plans one final time.

The dimensions for the foundations had been sketched in feet and inches.

The instructions for the pagoda were in metres.

Each leg was (and still is) encased in a square metre of now rock hard cement and obviously going absolutely nowhere. Even a JCB would have a hard time digging this out.

Two and a half grand is an awful lot of money to spunk on a concrete reinforced wendy house.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 22 May 2009, 12:29, 9 replies)

I once bought a lovely shiny new top of the range Sony minidisc player.
I had only popped into town for a pasty.

This was about 2 months before the first mp3 players hit the shelves.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Fri 22 May 2009, 12:10, 5 replies)

Buying freedom and champagne.
Lost my Mum last year, as often happens with people in their late 70s. I'd rather have her than what she left behind, but it came in handy.

On Friday the 13th, my bank sent me my balance by text. Normally this would read some improbable negative figure. This time, it read something else.

There were 5 figures. The first one was 6. I went into town, to the proprietors of my debts: mortgage, car loan and credit card. (I did try doing over it t'interweb, but this produced big red screens and phone calls from my bank). After much buggering about I possessed 3 pieces of paper, all with zero balances.

On the way to the bus station I bought a paper and 2 magnums of champagne. That evening me and MrsScars made ourselves proper poorly in Mum's memory.

Length? £50K before lunch
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Fri 22 May 2009, 12:06, 2 replies)

This QOTW will lead to more answers...
and it will grow in size to a biblical QOTW I feel. So far I have contemplated purchasing some lego, a unicycle, and a eukelele........IT'S ONLY BLOOMIN FRIDAY SO FAR!!!!!

I fear for my bank balance at this rate

P.S I once bought a model Formula 1 car, about 4ft long, what a waste of money! I was expecting super quick speeds and handling like it was on rails. In hindsight anything powered by 8AA batteries is never going to be quick :(
(Studentken is looking for motivation on, Fri 22 May 2009, 12:06, 1 reply)

Cars...
...no, really. I buy them like some people buy every day things, such as milk.

The only problem is hiding them. You cannot hide a Mercedes 230CE under the stairs. A Toyota Celica will not 'blend' into your garden (although it did in time) and a 1962 Ford Zodiac simply wouldn't fit in my garage. I've owned over 110 cars in my time, with no signs of stopping soon.

My then wife was quite good about the whole thing, as generally, when I'd come to terms with the fact that I was never going to do anything with said automotive tat, I'd sell them and make a bit of profit.

What didn't go down too well when was when I was offered a Rover P6 in return for our BMW 518i. They were both blue...so I swapped them.

The BMW was my wife's car. For my underestimation of her ability to recognise cars, I was denied sex for a month, any sort of conversation for nearly a week, and she made me go and reverse the swap and get her BMW back.

...I liked that Rover.

NB: I'm not showing off, these aren't 'good' cars, they're all rusty old unloved tat. I'm like Steptoe.
( The Pollitt chooses to listen to Enya on, Fri 22 May 2009, 11:45, 4 replies)

Probably not
Not really an impulse buy but ever since they came out I’d wanted an iPhone. A friend of mine had one and let me look at for a bit from a minimum safe distance but I wanted my own. For the last few years I’ve been throwing 5p, 10p and 20p coins into a jar, bagging them up every few months and saving the money. This was to be my iPhone fund.

One day, at work, I was a bit bored and thought to myself: “Hallo, I’m going to buy an iPhone today!”, even though I didn’t have all the cash saved up; I just wanted one! So I went home for lunch, took saved up change to the bank (about 70 quid) then went over to the O2 shop. Half an hour later I was the proud owner of a lovely shiny lovely iPhone!

I class it as an impulse buy because I spent the next few days trying to justify having one. £35 a month was probably a bit steep, the phone itself was £150, did I really need one?

Yes. Yes I did. I love my iPhone. I know I’m an Apple Whore (I have a Mac Pro, Cinema Display, ultra-thin aluminium keyboard and an iPod too) but I don’t care: it’s lovely and shiny and lovely! I could never go back to using a ‘normal’ phone again!

A few weeks ago EON paid £300 back into my account from overpaid direct debits. Should I use this to help contribute to clearing overdrafts and credit cards, or should I buy camera gear?

I put the money towards a better Canon lens (17-85mm USM lens), along with a battery grip and a bunch of Cokin filters for my humble 350D. I was saving up for a 40D but the new toys on my little 350 make it look like a man’s camera now!

So I guess have all the shiny things I want/need. I’m saving up for furniture now...

Length? About 18 months in 20 pees.
(Ghostlight, Fri 22 May 2009, 11:38, Reply)

Big kids and Lego dreams...
...Hehe, well I couldn’t think of anything to post this week really, mainly because no one needs to know, actually no one would care if I told them how many shoes and bags I own and buy on impulse alone… but something has just happened in my office which I can post for this QOTW.

One of the partners of the firm has a 5 year old boy and wandered into the office about 30 minutes ago after taking his son to a toy store, Hamleys I guess. He had tons of bags and we all gathered around to look at what he had brought his kid - Turned out to be the mother load of Lego!!

He had bags upon bags and could practically make a Lego world out of the stuff he had – planes, houses, a hospital, a police station, some sort of truck, a box of misc coloured blocks… (I personally think he should have got the Indiana Jones Lego, buts that’s only because I secretly crave it all)!! Mwa ha haaa!

Anyhoo, I was sitting at my desk thinking, wow this kid is so lucky to have all that Lego and is going to have such fun when they get home making it all, when his son sat down next to me and let out a massive sigh. I looked down and said ‘Wow that’s a big sigh, aren’t you excited about all the lovely stuff you have to play with when you get home, you must have had such fun picking everything out?’…his response has me still sniggering at my desk ‘Well I did just want a toy crocodile but my dad told me I had to have Lego, he picked everything out… I don’t really like Lego that much’!

Hehehehe I laugh because if I have kids I am totally doing the same thing!!
(Flim-Flam the Magnificent "You is talking loco and I like it!", Fri 22 May 2009, 11:22, 17 replies)

Chlorophyll characters, those scallies
One night during my student days in Liverpool I was out with a ladyfriend in the Philharmonic pub. We were just leaving to go back to her place for a coffee and a 'coffee' when a be-tracksuited young man walked up to us.

"Do you want to buy any grass mate? Tenner a teenth."

Well, that would certainly be better than coffee, I thought. "Yes," I replied and got out the money as he reached into his sock and handed me a small, white plastic bag.

We got home and I decided to skin up immediately, knowing that sex while high is an intimate, delicious thing. Only then did I discover something you've already guessed: that I had bought a sixteenth of an ounce of freshly pulled lawn grass. It smelled lovely though, like a summer's day.
( Scrumper, Fri 22 May 2009, 11:19, Reply)

Paolo Nutini tickets
Paolo Nutini concert tickets. I paid to watch this irn-bru muncher, oh the shame.
(BlueFlyer, Fri 22 May 2009, 11:00, 1 reply)

When I was in New Zealand
I was in Christchurch for a lot of my time there. And I saw just about everything all the tourists see - all the kiwi toys, the sheep, the Paua shell jewellery, the possom hats and scarfs.

I was wandering around through the christchurch market when I saw it.

A small, light grey, soapstone sculpture of two people entwined and kissing. Very minimal detail, but just a beautiful peice. I did wince at the price a bit (50 NZ dollars) but quite honestly that little figurine is going to come with me when I move. It makes me feel relaxed and peaceful just looking at it - the pose is incredibly intimate (hands on waists and their heads (as in craniums you perves!) resting together).
(Poppet some assembly required., Fri 22 May 2009, 10:59, 4 replies)

I've covered this before on here I think :)
£700 from Camden Market

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 22 May 2009, 10:50, 15 replies)

Beckyjsxb
has gone into the early lead this week promising to show us her filly grundies.

However, I promise NOT to post photos of my good self wearing some of the wife's sexy cum-splutterers if AND ONLY IF this post comes higher than hers on the Best Of page.

For the record I am very hairy and my package is the type of thing that'll give you nightmares (in as much as it looks like a deformed dwarf wearing a pot holing helmet).
(Big Grant, Fri 22 May 2009, 10:39, 4 replies)

Drunken Ebay…

The purchase of ‘Beerlooms’ has been a regular ‘tennis bat up my cack pipe’ for years now. I have spaffed many a penny on pointless trinkets just because it ‘seemed like a good idea at the time’ – and that time being when I am copiously piss-tarded

One occasion that leaps to mind was ‘the headphone incident’.

The main PC in my house is now situated in the corner of my dining room adjacent to the lounge. I used to have it in my office, but the present Mrs Twisty Cheeky insisted I move it because, as she put it, I was ‘turning into a wankish, Gollum-like hermit-esque twat wallop’ and she was fed up with never seeing me.

So like the bitch slapped obedient little fuck-knuckle that I am, I duly set up a work station downstairs, and had to put up with the wife and bloody kids legging it about like Panzer tanks on poppers, disrupting my work and putting the unwelcome kybosh on my previously illustrious and fruitful pr0n watching career.

In the enforced absence of such erotic visual delights, I tried to seek solace, stimulus and solitude in an alternative format. Music.

Until one sprightly evening, when I was struggling to listen to a few bangin’ choons over the conflicting blaring sounds of Lazytown* DVDs and Goddamm 'Diagnosis: Murder'. I then decided ‘enough was enough’...

I needed to buy some headphones.

To prepare for this life-changing decision I did the dutiful thing and got reekingly and royally cunted on fine ciderish goodness. I then locked my fingers together, gave them a satisfying yet slightly arthritic ‘crack’ and set about the arduous task of t’interwebz shopping.

As I browsed the pages of Ebay I was swamped by choice. There were headphones, headphones fucking everywhere. But what make? Sennheiser? Bose? Should I have closed back? Bass Boost? I didn’t want to spend too much and didn’t have a fucking Scooby what I was doing…so I cleverly decided to drink a bit more to aid my judgment…then I saw them before me, like manna from the gods…

Cordless.fucking.headphones. Surely the greatest single invention In the history of the world.evah.

'Get in there!' I thought to myself – I had been enlightened. Music and movement. This was what I craved. I didn’t want to be tied down with your peasant-type, nampy-pamby ‘wired’ headphones like some common cuntcake – I yearned for, nay demanded, infra-red glory!

There were about a hundred of these items being sold, one at a time, five minutes apart. I hurtled to the ‘bid’ button like a lumbering hippopotamus following a failed attempt at balancing on an upside down greased ice skate. Being pissed, but still slightly rational at this point, I considered twenty quid to be the maximum I would bid. There were no ‘buy it now’ offers, but nobody else seemed interested anyway – the naieve, maladjusted nincompoops! – They were all going to miss out, and in just a few short hours this technological marvel was going to be mine!

But then it started…achingly…the paranoia began to creep in. What if the rest of the world was just lying in wait…waiting for the moment to strike as soon as I climbed into bed? What if I got outbid when I was slumbering away, oblivious to my life’s dream slipping from my clammy grasp? My hopes could be shattered for the possible sake of a penny? The sanctimonious fuckers! I would not let this happen!

I hardly had time to finish my next three cans before I had completely caved to my fears, and convinced myself that I was definitely going to lose the precious bounty. Simply 'bidding more' never occured to me...I had to construct a cuntingly cunning contingency plan that would thwart the most hardy of Ebay sniper in his efforts to deprive me of what was rightfully mine…

Fiendish in its simplicity, my idea was to pop another bid in for the next set of headphones on the list, thusly when I was outbid on the first pair, I would be front-runner to buy the next. Flawless. Genius. Nothing could go wrong. Victory would be assured!

But then I considered again…what if there were two crafty people in the world with the same idea, that they had already considered this alternative action to snatch my wonderous goods from my grasp? I could not allow such a travesty to occur.

So I put another £20 on the next set on the list…and thought again…

By 2am I could barely stand, yet managed to stumble to bed…safe in the knowledge that I had covered all available angles. My work was done. All I had to do was wait…

The next morning I awoke with a munterrific hangover and the feeling that Satan himself must have crimped off a particularly chunky brown loaf into my mouth and stamped on my head during the night.

My memory of the prior evening, however, was a bit ‘hazy’ to say the least…and the events were quickly forgotten about and consigned to history...

Until about a week later, when I received a lovely yet unexpected parcel in my porch. On unwrapping I saw a gleaming set of new cordless headphones. Yay, and indeed woo! What a pleasant surprise!

But with that, like a kick in the bollocks from a raging bull wearing steel toecapped hobnail boots with an apocalyptic asteroid attached, the memories came gushing back.

I sprinted to the PC and checked my Ebay account to confirm my worst fears…

Over the next few days I received parcel after parcel relentlessly dropping in my porch…until I had the full compliment of FIFTEEN sets of identical crap cordless fucking headphones…each one having a wireless range of about 4 and a half centimetres, so you had to press your head firmly against the transmitter to enjoy the sound quality, which was akin to a decrepid urangutan shitting firey marbles into an empty can of value mushroom soup.

I was too stupid embarrassed to complain, and my conscience wouldn’t let me sell them on again – they were just too cataclysmically crap, and I knew Joe public would whinge like the bitch he is.

So thank fuck that Christmas was just around the corner…because that year, everybody in my family, from my 6 month old neice to my 92 year old Grandmother-in-law, took receipt of a badly wrapped, shiny lump of usless headphoney uber-tat from their loving uncle Cheeky.

I live to give.


*Lazytown – Is it wrong to fancy the girl with the pink hair from Lazytown? It IS? Oh, I thought so…I was just asking that’s all…forget I said anything…


\not a peado



EDIT: Congratulations go to the Pink haired 'Stephanie' girl from Lazytown who celebrates her 18th birthday today!

*breathes sigh of relief*
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Fri 22 May 2009, 10:38, 14 replies)

Probably bindun?
I visited Tesco last night to buy (to complement my nice healthy, fibrous diet)-

a tin of kidney beans
a packet of dried broad beans
some chickpeas in brine
a bag of lentils
and some frozen garden peas.

Yes. I went in pulse buying. Arf.
(Sir General ***WoW***, Fri 22 May 2009, 9:59, 1 reply)

How many people here bought a PS3 on impulse?
Should have gone for the Xbox 360, half the price and has a better range of games.
( Gooch Is neither here nor there, Fri 22 May 2009, 9:51, 22 replies)

Roll up, roll up....
This is your only chance to buy.

Buy now, all you need to do is click "I like this"

It will be delivered first class, next day on a unicorn made of pearl.

There's a lifetime guarantee on all parts and labour - FREE!

Increase penis-size? Guaranteed!
Impress your friends and family? Guaranteed!

If you click today, you'll also receive a special "extra" gift.
Choose from:

A Parker Pen
A Voucher for family-friendly frozen food chain Iceland
A ringtone of Lady GaGa's new song "Stroppy"

This is a once in a lifetime offer, click today

TODAY dammit

Click

You need this.

Please click


PLEASE

please...











please
(Jugular, Fri 22 May 2009, 9:39, Reply)

"An airline ticket to romantic places"
(quote from "These Foolish Things", a song sung By Bryan Ferry).

Summer 2007, and a less experienced Mordred is making his first foray in Internet dating. Had I have known that nearly 2 years on it would cost me one failed marriage, my clean criminal record and probably the thick end of £30K, I might have just cut my knackers off, but anyway, this is how it started...

For years, I had been telling single mates to get on-line to find lurrve...or at least a shag - without having done so myself. So in some way this is kharmic justice. But anyway, having taken the plunge, I found myself talking to several ladies, via a fairly "posh" site known as Parship.

One lady was French. Woo-hoo, thought I, thinking the French are known as being filthy and so forth. "Je vieux t'encule" I could imagine myself saying to some poor mademoiselle. Pictures were exchanged. Increasingly sexual e-mails sent. But, thanks to holiday scheduling issues, I was going away on holiday and not coming back until the day she flew out for 3 weeks herself. So passions were high, but interaction impossible.

A week into her holiday, we got on the phone. She asked how I was, I said pissed off, and bored. At the time I had a work from home job that entailed, literally, 2 hours a week work (despite getting paid for 40). Which was nice...but boring.

"Why not fly out and zee me" she said in her charmingly accented English.

"Well, you're staying with a friend, aren't you ?" I said. "You can't ask her to put someone up you haven't met".

"Oh, zat's not a problem. We can get an otel room".

Within seconds, I was booking a flight to Nice. How many times in one's life, I thought, does a woman ask you to go to the south of France to fuck her ? This must be done.

24 hours later, I'm in Stansted airport fuming at the 2 hour delay to the flight. My god, was I ready for some action...but fate was conspiring against me.

I had been due to arrive at 10pm. I got to Nice just after midnight, to meet la belle Helene, only...what had happened...I'm sure you can guess...she was not as belle as the photos. Zut alors, she had not read the "why French women aren't fat" book. And I, internet virgin as I was, had not asked her how old the photos were she sent me or for a shot showing more than her face.

Crivens. Here I was, far from home, what was a man to do ?

Yes, of course I fucked her. Despite her having an arse hairier than most builders. What choice did I have ?

2 days later, we parted at the airport again.

"Helene, it's been fun, but...I can't see me falling in love with you" I said. I wasn't so much of a bastard that I wasn't going to come out with (some of) the truth before we parted.

I could tell she was expecting this.

She e-mailed me a week later to say she was going to a fertility clinic to try and have a child. As we had not used any "capot anglaise" as they call them, my God I missed a bullet there.

Men can't help acting on impulse...when the little head is in control of the big head.
( I_Was_Mordred, Fri 22 May 2009, 8:29, 6 replies)

But...it's red !!!
Thankfully, given that I drive like a wanker, as everyone tells me (although I've never crashed, bizarre seeing as how I clock the miles up), I came to driving fairly late. By my mid-twenties I'd had one car, an old Renault that eventually died on me. I'd just started a new relationship, and fancied some wheels.

I walked past a garage and saw it.

It was red.

I went to my girlfriend's.

"I've found a car I'm going to buy !!!".

"What is it ?"

"Dunno, but it's red".

And so the Opel Manta came into my life.

Here's a link to a picture of one very similar to the one I had:

media.photobucket.com/image/red%20opel%20manta/3countiesmanta/kevins%20cars/PICT1088.jpg

Now it's not quite an impulse buy, in that I did get the AA to check it out first. They practically begged me not to buy it - it had at least 80K on the clock, and had been driven hard. Sod it though, it's red.

Within 24 hours of buying it, I was proudly driving it down the motorway to take my girlfriend to France in it.

It died on the motorway after 20 miles.

Meh.

postscript: I had it for a further 2 years, replacing virtually every part of it. Luckily someone then ploughed into it when it was parked, and I could get a car that actually worked. Which wasn't red.
( I_Was_Mordred, Fri 22 May 2009, 8:06, Reply)

Bargain kitchen
Way back in the mists of 2003, a younger rubberduck bought a house. It needed a bit of work doing to it, but was decently sized and in otherwise good nick. Now, also being a budget-conscious sort, I was on the lookout for any bargain purchases that would make the work on my house as cheap as possible.

One fateful evening, I arrived home having spent the previous hours imbibing the finest liquids that my local alehouse had to offer, and unusually I was still feeling somewhat awake. It was then that I had a lightbulb moment. Maybe I could find some bits for my new kitchen on everybody's favourite online tat bazaar, eBay. Surely, being the early hours of the morning it was a perfect time for snapping up a bargain.

After browsing several pages of the usual overpriced tat, my eyes kept being drawn to one listing in particular. A very well known high-quality kitchen manufacturer had decided to sell a job lot of some of its old stock on eBay - according to the listing there were in excess of 5,000 cupboard dorrs, as well as numerous units etc. In my hazy, alcohol-saturated state, I reasoned that I could buy these kitchen bits, use the pieces that I wanted and make an absolute fortune selling off the bits that I didn't need individually.

I couldn't understand why it was so cheap. I won the auction for the grand price of £1.34,

What I hadn't reckoned in my drunken state was

A) How to get them from the other side of the country to where I lived

and

B)Where to store it all once I'd got it back.

I ended up having to hire a 26-tonne lorry to go and get them all, and stored these doors around my house and shed for *3 years* while I gradually sold them all. I was forced to get used to them being a way of life - making impromptu mini tables, seats and mega-size fly swatters of them. I couldn't even get into one of my bedrooms for a while.

Even to this day I develop something of a nervous tic around wood veneer surfaces. I'm not sure I can cope with the idea of yet another birch-effect wooden ironing board...
( rubberduck should only be used after consulting with your GP, Fri 22 May 2009, 7:41, Reply)

I bought my Ferrari on impulse to impress my girlfriend because she's a supermodel
[unfunny joke about penis size]
( Gilgamesh gazed in wonder as Frampton came alive, Fri 22 May 2009, 3:50, 3 replies)

Never go shopping on a comedown.
Towards the end of my second year in uni I had to go and buy an outfit for a family party. Only problem was the night before I went shopping I attended a party. Being the typical student party the narcotics flowed freely. I didn't get any sleep that night and my comedown was starting. So I decided to go shopping as soon as the sun came up. Big mistake.

I walked into a few stores and didn't find anything that would do for a family get together. Then I spy The Hat. It was a tweed trilby in some unknown department store. I had to buy it. I then walked into every clothing store in town asking if they had an outfit to go with the hat. Finally I settled on black trousers, a white shirt with a brown tie that matched the hat. I wore that hat every day I went out for the whole of that summer, it was great. I lost it now. I miss my hat:(
( bobzarkoff, Fri 22 May 2009, 2:33, Reply)

Drunken ebaying
My brother went on ebay when he was drunk one night, and placed a bid on a PS3. He then forgot all about it and ended up having to ask to cancel the bid, and now he's banned from ebay. The drunken twunt.

Sorry for lack of funny, the drunkeness runs in the family.
(AyeMe, Fri 22 May 2009, 1:56, 3 replies)