Cock Hair
People who use gel to shape their hair into a big "fin" in the middle of their head. You look like a cockerel, but you're really just a cock.
(WillyJohnson, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 21:42, 5 replies)

'Nuff said
'nuff said?
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 20:51, 7 replies)

Ray Winstone says
"Bet Free Six Foive awfah owvah fifty in ply mark-its."

That advert really makes me want to punch a kitten.
(ThatNiceMan thought he was being funny, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 20:40, 2 replies)

Asking pcworld to fix my laptop
Yours

G.Glitter
(wimbley is feeling hungover, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 20:03, Reply)

Irrational? Probably. Disproportionate? Definitely.
A few co-workers and I were getting a lift home from another colleague. Conversation drifted between the usual topics until the passing mention of one name set off an alarming rage in our ordinarily placid driver. His complexion deepened to a dark purple and the air turned blue whilst for the next ten minutes, the target of the deafening tirade was called every name under the sun. No motive or justification for the anger was offered up, just an ongoing catalogue of verbal abuse. Spittle and a clenched fist hammered the dashboard as the passengers sat in silence, exchanging nervous glances and genuinely fearing that they were about to die in a fiery car crash any moment.

So, which monster could inspire such untiring hatred? To my ongoing bafflement, Michael Fish.
( Pig Bodine., Wed 6 Apr 2011, 19:30, 10 replies)

Anarchists
specially when they are from other countries calling themselves "che" and try to explain that by smashing up the streets of london they are somehow taking a stand against capitalism by providing an excuse for insurance companies to exist... flamin eejits
( Bishop Yozz remembers when lily savage advertised oasis..., Wed 6 Apr 2011, 19:22, 1 reply)

Tim Westwood
'nuff said.
( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Wed 6 Apr 2011, 19:04, 8 replies)

Magic tricks
I don't know what it is about them. I guess that I know it's not real 'magic' and therefore is just a trick, so I spend my whole time trying to work out how it's done rather than just enjoy it. Maybe I'm just a miserable King Cnut, but I don't care that you just 'miraculously' made a coin 'disappear', it's pissing me off that I can't work out which orifice you've stuffed it in and how.

Also when the corner of a carpet or mat gets folded over and no-one does anything about it. Then I end up looking like a mental, OCD-suffering, nutjob when I walk halfway across the room and ask someone to move over for a second while I fold it back normally. The worst is when the corner's been folded over so long that it naturally lies like that...*shudders*.
( guffguff fuckes your gradeds balls!, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 18:56, Reply)

Comic Sans MS
If you ever, ever use this hateful, vile, pathetic excuse for a font anywhere near me or my home, I will have no option but to put on your mum's wedding dress and fuck you.

Seriously.
(Hi-Fi nonsense, herons don't deter coconuts, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 18:32, 12 replies)

Pelican Crossings
Or, more accurately, modern pelican crossings.

Back in the 80's, Pelican Crossings were a great idea. You pressed the button, the traffic stopped, you crossed the road. A simple but marvellously effective concept.

Now, you press the button, and what happens? The bastard things wait for a gap in traffic before they change. I ask you, what's the point of a crossing that waits for a gap in traffic? I'm pressing the fucking button because I don't WANT to wait for a gap in traffic, I want you to stop it for me. I can wait for a gap on my own, thankyouverymuch.

Bastard too-clever-for-their-own-good wankers.
(bblgoose, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 18:28, 5 replies)

Really Obese People
Not trying to be mean, and I have lots of friends who are too large, but, really! I know eating can become a disorder, but have it looked at then.

I hear about your bad back, your bad knees, the fact that people treat you different, that your furniture doesn't last as long, that toilets are too small, that people are prejudiced, that you're 30, but someone thought you were 50, and best of all, "I can't help it, it's my genetics" as you're stuffing the third calzone of the night in your face while eating french fries and onion rings.

And no, just because I choose to exercise and watch what I eat, does not mean I have it easy.

Sorry the shocks in your car seem to go bad prematurely.
( BrokenCoccyx doesn't mind if you grope on, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 18:24, 16 replies)

dog owners
who put coats on their dogs. they've got fur, you thick cunts, they don't need your stupid pink fluffy coat! this is england, not fucking siberia! if i see one of these people with their outfitted dogs, i have to cross the street, in case they try to talk to me.
there's no way i could open my mouth in that situation without venting at them.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 17:57, 14 replies)

Little furry buggers
I hate those little furry animals you see all over the place these days. Thing is, they're no threat to me, so I don't know why I should hate them. They're a hundredth of my size, don't eat the same food as me, and they're less well adapted to this lovely hot weather we've been having since the Triassic. I just get this feeling that something bad will happen: I can't explain it, they give me the willies. They can't even fly like my cousins can (although Bert said he saw one gliding the other day; show off).

I know some of them steal our eggs, but they then so do the bloody oviraptors, and they're hardly the stuff of nightmares. And they have so few young themselves, they're sure to die out. They even think live birth is cool: disgusting if you ask me. Samantha would never agree to something coming out wiggling: it's difficult enough getting something wiggly into her if you know what I mean, fnarr fnarr.

So, completely irrational I know. After all, we have been lording it over the earth for the almost 160 million years: how could a little furry thing challenge us?

Must go now: there's a big round flamey thing in the sky which looks interesting.

Love

A. Dinosaur
(Smale is stuffed, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 17:54, 6 replies)

UK Uncut
The sight of them protesting against Topshop etc does my nut in, simply because it's not Topshop or any other business they should be demonstrating against.

If they don't like the fact that companies like this can get away with paying little amounts of tax, then surely they should be lobbying the MPs that make up the UK tax legislation.

Phillip Green is doing everything by the book according to the tax laws of this country- why would he choose to pay more? Would any member of UK Uncut if they were in his position? Would they bollocks.

I'm all for the big earners paying their fair share, but this aint the way to go about it.
( Sculpture of Man Putting a banging donk on it since, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 17:45, 3 replies)

Cunts on Freecycle
There are few places where the phrase 'beggars can't be choosers' is more apt than at Freecycle. Don't get me wrong, I think its great; unwanted items find their way to those that want them. I have disposed of a telly and some furniture this way and both givers and takers were pleased with being able to spurn the tip and save a bit of cash respectively. Brilliant.

What I hate are the bastards that want the moon on a stick. I have honestly seen too many 'WANTED - COMPUTER MONITOR FLAT SCREEN ONLY PLEASE' and 'WANTED BEDROOM FURNITURE MUST MATCH AND BE DECENT' and 'WANTED LAPTOP - Tarquin and Satchel really need a laptop for school so if anyone has anything that would be great. Oh and they say that it has to be a good one so thay can watch all their films and stuff'. Unbelievable.
(mersault, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 17:22, 5 replies)

Scam emails
I only get them occasionally but I do like to read them. What I can't stand is the dreadful grammar. I do wish they'd try a bit harder.
I don't actually want to be the victim of a scam so I like to be able to recognise them straight away but I think they could run them past a spelling and grammar checker first.
If they really want my money they need to work a bit harder at it.
(TitanLX, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 17:06, 12 replies)

so many to choose...
I think the thing which used to annoy me the most was in the younger days of the internet you could get newsgroups using your email program. I think they are still there but people have moved to forums like this and no doubt they are just full of Russian Bride adverts.....

Anywhoo.... I used to post in an Oasis one and all you would get was c**k suckers saying "heard the latest Travis / Coldplay" album. I pointed out to them it was an Oasis newsgroup and I just got shot down in flames by the whole group!
I mean the odd mention of other bands seems ok but some people just spent their life moaning about the latest Coldplay bollocks... Even over 10 years on I wish I knew who these people were so I could have them hurt in as many ways possible.

I also have a hatred of the way my woman wont at least try taking it up the arse. I mean if we try and it hurts then fair enough but its just all out no. I even offered to start her off with a pencil and move up the other day but it was still a no. Jokes on her though as I think I will just bum a Japanese escort one day instead.
(snarf81, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 16:56, 8 replies)

Weird People
Specifically, weird people on Freecycle.

I love freecycle. It's been marvelously useful in the last couple of years when I've had something bulky to get rid of, and it's a fantastic way of ensuring that usable things don't end up in landfill unnecessarily.

However, being part of their mailing lists means I'm exposed daily to the anguished cries for help that seem to form the subtext of a disproportionate amount of Freecycle mails.

Case in point, a message received earlier on this week:

"OFFER: I have a half full 200ml bottle (so 100ml approx) of Calpol six plus, orange flavour. Quite expensive stuff, so seems a shame to throw in bin. Available for collection from South End Green."

Why? I bet you're sitting there in your pants as you type that.

Another: "Offer: A nearly full 1 litre bottle of Sainsbury's Creme Bath 'Sweet Dreams'"

They were rubbing themselves as they typed that. Rubbing themselves with Sainsbury's Creme Bath.

Another: "Offer: Frog Spawn"

Sometimes I'm scared to even read my emails.
( rofl harris, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 16:56, 5 replies)

People? That, like, end sentences? With a question? Even though they're statements?

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 16:51, 4 replies)

good luck?
People whop open a packet of cigs and replace one of them the OTHER WAY ROUND - bastards

(my apologies to the pink chicken sniffer)
( sutit only the crumbliest, flakiest posts, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 16:50, 6 replies)

Haitch
When someone pronounces the letter h as 'haich' it really, really pisses me off. It is 'aitch' ffs.
(Tom Jones's Mojo Hasn't had any since, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 16:47, 8 replies)

The square root of 2.
FUCKER!
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 16:27, 1 reply)

I don't normally want to kick my wife's head in
but when she pronounces 'theatre' as 'thee-EH-ter' I have dark, dark thoughts. It's different with the mother in law, she does it too, but I always want to kick her head in.
(mersault, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 16:18, 8 replies)

Can this question end early? the longer it goes on the more annoyed i'm getting!

Anyway 2 more:

Rice Krispies Squares - Aren't square

Sponge Bob square pants's, pants aren't fucking square either!
(Kip, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 15:53, Reply)

When someone opens a packet of crisps upside-down
Bugs the absolute shit out of me.
(mr_spoon, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 15:38, 3 replies)

Barry Manilow
Smarmy, greasy, shit-ballad peddling cunt.

See also Andrew Lloyd Webber.
( Sculpture of Man Putting a banging donk on it since, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 15:33, 1 reply)

If ever
there was a one-trick pony, it's the fat fuck that is Peter Kay. His show consisted of 90mins of

"'member? 'member when Starburst were called Opal Fruits? 'member Bullseye? Sunday teatime, Jim bowen eh? 'member?"

Is he still touring? Doing more shows? No, he's ran out of things to ask if we remember them.

I sincerely hope that this website www.doyouremember.co.uk/ is a dig at his act.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 15:26, 10 replies)

Plastic packaging
You know the stuff I mean? The solid plastic that you need a sharp knife to get through. You rip it open more, exposing lethally sharp edges that can put your eye out. The whole nasty thing struggles to the end before your lovely new purchase is freed from its' plastic prison. The hacked up packaging is now useless should you need to return the product. If you don't need to reuse it then you are left with the problem of disposing of it. I'm sure landfills would take up less space if they weren't full of indestructible plastic packaging too.
(ianisme, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 15:23, 4 replies)

Richard Littlejohn.
Oh, wait. That's not irrational.
As you were, people.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 15:13, 1 reply)

eBay
When I sell several items at a time on ebay, I schedule them so that they auction ends at about 9pm. If you pay up immediately, and the majority will pay within a couple of hours or so, I can get the item in the post the next day.

Stop waiting a day or so to pay because then I have to make two trips to the post office.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Wed 6 Apr 2011, 15:10, 5 replies)