... when she turned up at the pub slightly rosy-cheeked
and said "sorry I'm late ... I just fucked my ex-boyfriend"
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 11:59, Reply)

I knew it was my time at that job..
I worked for a credit card company. I found the section of the network which held emails from people saying "Remove me from your mailing list"..

So as a joke i decided to "pretend" to reply to one and send it internally to a friend...

It read

"Dear Mr.xxxx

Im sorry but we feel we must needlessly spam our clients or i fear our servers will freeze up.

Please accept 10 copies of our newsletters with our compliments.

Cheers

xxxx

I sent it...then realised...i had hit reply...not forward.

Cold dread spreads across body...try to recall, yahoo account...cant recall...

Went home and shit myself all night. Next day admitted all to the director. He was good about it but said it wouldnt end well.

Manager came in VERY pissed off...had disciplinary the next day.

"These are the sections of the company handbook you violeted"

I looked to see 2 pages of purple highlighter.

Yup that was me done.

Worst part was i had worked there ages and even after the managers apologetic "I dont want to fire you" spiel he still had me escorted off the premisis....

Wanker.

P.s. the guy actually got the email and thought it was funny
(Hoppkins, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 11:54, Reply)

I worked briefly for
a very well-known mobile phone mail order company, in a call centre (read 'battery farm'). My job was to con people into crappy mobile contracts, with the aid of sly advertising, and a very cleverly written script on a computer screen. The penny started to drop when I heard the guy next door to me bollocking an elderly woman for 'wasting his time', after she changed her mind about wanting a phone mid-pitch. How DARE she!

The penny dropped further, when 4 of us newbies were called into an office for a pep talk from some fuckwit 'sales guru'. To get us 'under his spell', he asked us our names, and wrote them down of a piece of paper. Then, he looked at them, and while talking to us, very slowly and deliberately screwed up the piece of paper and threw it in the bin - obviously trying to imply 'you lot are nothing to me' or something. I just sat there and laughed, and he got annoyed.

Then, when I was 4 minutes late for work, as punishment, they made me sit infront of a blank computer screen, doing nothing, for an hour.

I finally knew it was over, however, when they told me that if I wanted to go for a piss, I had to put my hand up and ask the supervisor. I was 32 at the time.

Bye, then.

Aaah fuckit. Dial-A-Phone, if you're interested.

edit - Wascally Weasel - Quality! I'm cleaning coffee off my monitor.
(8-Ball, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 11:49, Reply)

Doomed employment
I knew the job was over when I was invited by post to a 'fact finding interview about my performance over the last six months'. I asked another manager for reassurance "This is normal right? This happens at the end of everyone's first six months right?"

He took the letter off me, glanced at it briefly then said "Um, no that's what we do when we want to sack people. Bye".

I knew another job (sorry, I mean bout of soul-less IT procurement drudgery) was over when I stopped responding to work emails, invoices, phone calls etc and started referring out loud to my dustbin as my "special cupboard" and the shredder as my "chamber of secrets". If you shred or bin all your work, you don't have to do anything right?

Therefore when managers came over to ask me where the invoices for their PC's, servers etc were, I could honestly say "Well, I don't seem to have them on my desk". It wasn't my fault, the three days training I had for the job was from a gibbering loon who told me nothing about the role, instead he said "I like buses" for three days.
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Thu 21 Jul 2005, 11:47, Reply)

My mate knew it was over
When his girlfriend dumped him by email on his birthday.

He knew it was really over when she married someone else a month later.
(Pachey, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 11:45, Reply)

that's when it SHOULD have been over...
... if i had any sense.

those of you who bother to read the drivel i post on here will know that i am on-again-off-again involved with my boss, a pretty loathsome individual and all round nasty and alcoholic waste of space. with a terrible snoring disorder.

so we were lying on the bed a while ago and he was asleep. i was pretty much dressed as it was about 4am and was trying to be bothered to get up and go home. suddenly he let rip with the most god almighty fart known to man. this did not amuse me. the smell was indescribable and, worst of all, it was such an offensive fart that he had woken himself up. never a good sign.

shaking his head and looking blearily around, he jumped off the bed and shot into the bathroom. within seconds, i heard the attractive sound of snoring coming from the toilet. nice.

but after a moment i realised that the smell was still lingering. peeling open my own bloodshot eyes, i noticed the dark stain on the sheets right. next. to. my. fucking. head. a leopard with curry up its ass couldn't have moved that quickly. i jumped up and finished getting dressed. the dirty bastard had skidded on the sheets. it was all over. and i don't just mean all over the sheets.

or was it? i couldn't find my right boot. eventually, as the snoring from the bathroom increased in crescendo, i turned the light on. and nearly barfed and fainted. he had not just followed through but had actually curled out an entire "richard the third". there it sat, coiled on the bed, looking at me. jesus. had he been facing the other way, the foul animal would have shat on ME!

i turned the light off, ran out, jumped in my car and fled home. i was so traumatised i had to wake my flatmate. she laughed herself silly. then she sat up.

"you turned the light off?"

"yes."

"so he would have woken up on the toilet... decided it was time to go back to bed... got back in it in the dark..."

that sentence should NEVER be finished.

apologies for length, it's therapeutic.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 11:44, Reply)

oops also...
Limonata.
If you are not familiar with it, it is a home-made (at least all the one's I've had) Italian liqueor made of pure alcohol, sugar and lemons.
If you have ever drunk 5 bottles of wine, I would not suggest trying this next.
One sip after all that has a similar sensation to when you've realised you've gone on the Waltzer one too many times just as its starting...

booze + limonata = hangover ad infinitum
edit: I should say I don't drink anymore. at all.
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 11:43, Reply)

and another quickie
when I corrected my ex on the correct pronounciation of 'supposedly', he turned to me and said, as if I were a child, "No, it's not, it's SUP-PO-SA-BLY".
(Mabel DelTaco, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 11:38, Reply)

when some of the crowd were
on the pitch.
( Zak McFlimby Twibbling @McFlimby, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 11:36, Reply)

Doomed relationships
My girlfriend (of five years) went on a one year round the world trip. She tearfully said goodbye at Heathrow airport and said "Will you wait for me?" I did, she didn't. I had two postcards from her over the year she was away (which should have been a big enough clue). I met her at the airport on her return just in time to get dumped.

If she's reading this, I would just like her to know she has a big nose and I always thought of her sister during the unfulfilling, lifeless and infrequent sex we had.

I knew another relationship was over when she asked me to move out of 'her' flat on my birthday(I was under the foolish apprehension that it was 'our' flat). Then she moved to New Zealand.

Still, it helped me re-kick-start my life and now I am full of new zeal and energy.

EDIT: Probably worth pointing out that both of the women in the relationships mentioned above knew it was over an *awful* long time sooner than I did and were making great efforts to make things work.

I was bumbling along in the not unusual bloke attitude of "I know it's not brilliant but I'm far too lazy to improve things" Sorry.
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Thu 21 Jul 2005, 11:36, Reply)

anyone here have a BTEC?
I knew it was over when I realized my boss was stealing 15% of every paycheck, I discovered that my work visa had never been applied for, and they asked me to work 55 hours a week. I was a BTEC instructor. I walked out three days before the start of the new term.

EDIT: I got an advance on my next paycheck three days before quitting. Fools!
(Mabel DelTaco, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 11:32, Reply)

all the time
relationship - I got rather tipsy and ended up rolling in the hay on a first date. The next time I went over to his he let me in then immediately started to take his clothes off and walked into the bedroom. Not even a 'hello'. So bye. supposed i asked for it tho

job - as a runner, after being NOT paid for three months under the promise "we're waiting for a cheque", I calculated that the money earned vs. hours worked came to 64p per hour. In London. I told this to my boss who in a change of tact said "it's character building, don't be so ungrateful". Told her to go huck ferself...
(niceandwarmandhot vive la résistance, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 11:30, Reply)

I knew our relationship was over...
.. When I laid the last slab on the new patio. Still we remain close!
(The Duke of Pontefract, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 11:27, Reply)

German Stalkers
I've actually had two german female stalkers. Dunno why - both after I lived in Germany, and had not met them whilst there.

No 1 I met when on manouvres with the Army in Dortmund - very dizzy blonde, damn good laugh and had a thing for my mate. She helped me back to barracks when I got so pissed I cracked my head open falling of a bar stool, and ensured I didn't end up in the cells.

Anyway out of the blue some months later she starts writing to me. So a little pen pal ship continues, then one day she writes admitting she fallen for me. Being the inecure little sod I was back then I basically went along with it. Used to get lots of late night phone calls from her, promises I would try and see her soon (though I meant see to her, if you know what I mean)

Time passes, I move north and end up shagging a girl with low morals and better locality - this lasted a while, then we split - the same time my mum calls and tells me the German has been calling me saying she is in nottingham. For a laugh I phone her - next thing I know she's at the front door. Her dizziness which I originally like seems to have morphed into something more darker. Still I do my best to keep here entertained, but then my flatmates announce she cannot stay here alone that night (as I had night shift). I ended up taking her to work with me, and pleading with the Security guard from hell to keep quiet about it (which he agreed to).

A couple of days later I am at a mates pub in Oldham when she pages me out of the blue - she has hitch hiked from home and is at Oldham nick - a frantic search around Oldham and I eventually locate her. She goes off to chat with the mates missus while I go drinking, and later I find she has been discussing how we are planning a family and how she is moving in. Alarms ring - get shot quick!

That night I slipped upstairs and pretended to fall asleep, and bint comes upstairs and keeps prodding me "Vayne! I vant to tsalk mit du" - which she does relentlessly - all night. She just sits and stares at me for 14 hours, which I pretended to be asleep for, scaring the bejesus out of me. That's when I knew it was over. She left the next day and we never spoke again.

But this one has a double whammy - a couple of weeks later I am called into my bosses office about a complaint about bringing a girl into work. I am given my second written warning, but I just thank my boss and call it a day. Lost the girl, lost the job, did not want to lose the plot.
(Waynster James Joyce is fucking my sister!, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 11:26, Reply)

I knew I'd never work there again....
... when I sent an email to everyone in all the message groups informing them how crap I thought the company was, although I did also air my views on how splendid I found the amount of attractive ladies they seemed to employ. You know just to give a balanced opinion!

Short and thick just like a biscuit tin....Ahem, there's that sign out just mentioned.
(The Duke of Pontefract, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 11:23, Reply)

video shop dusting nightmare
After regularly and blatantly borrowing* money from the till in my local video store where I worked** I was quite simply stunned to learn that from now on I would no longer be working with currency of any sort. Instead I was given the highly sort after post of dusting the video sleeves, thousands of the little fuckers. The best part about that job is that when you finish, you have to start again. Cool. This was to be my job until the boss came back from his hols. Apparently he was going to have a word with me***. Time for a cool sharp harp methinks.

*could mean steal

**could mean thieved

•••could mean sack me

••••could mean too many asterisks.

pathetic sign out involving measurements.
(dukefukem, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 11:23, Reply)

I had been married for three months
and had spent a hard day at the lab and was arriving home to get ready to go out for an evening working at my second job.

I had asked my jobless husband on leaving the house at 8.30am to hang out the washing.

At 5pm nothing in the house was different except an empty bowl of cereal on the coffee table and unwashed husband playing Doom on the computer.

"You didn't hang the washing out. Why not?"

"What do you expect woman? I only got up an hour ago! Give me a chance! But you're home now, why don't you do it?"

THAT is when I knew it was over.

Apologies for the lack of humour.
( in vino veritas, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 11:18, Reply)

Dumped by text
I knew it was over when I got back from holiday (which i went with another girl, it was planned before i got with her) and had a text on my phone. "I really want us to be friends but I dont feel we can be more" She'd ran off with a chav, cue 6 months of shagging anything that walked and copious amounts of alcohol. I mean being dumped is bad enough, but for a Chav!

No apologies for length, after all it was too much for her ;-)
(Birdman, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 11:14, Reply)

I knew it was over when
I said to her: 'It's not me, it's you...'
(Malcolm the Manatee, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 11:04, Reply)

day of my birthday
mate had organised a party for me and him (share the same birthday) in a small collage in the lakes, bunch of mates and all you need for a good weekend of debauchery. ace the first couple of days, then my fiance of 10 years says shes leaving me for the other birthday boy. thats when i knew it was over...

insanely we all stayed mates and after a couple of months of wierdness everything is cool. still hang out together, though have to watch what i refer to... no "i used to love it when she wore that... ah.... sorry" and find it best not to smack her ass as i walk past ;)
(unlawful odour i dunno..., Thu 21 Jul 2005, 11:04, Reply)

Working for Parcel Farce...
I knew it was over when I did something bad after being told off for taking three totally legit sick days. (I'd not gone out clubbing and pulled and couldn't be arsed going into work, then strung it out for three days to make it look like I was genuinely ill. Well, maybe just a wee bit).

Knowing that we were expecting VIP visitors, and that reception was temporarily unmanned, I took a pack of biros from the stationery cupboard and spelt out 'Feck The Force' on the red carpet. Dipsy receptionist didn't realise until the visitors arrived. They then checked the CCTV footage.

It was so over.
(bedsitmartyr : Doctor of Bottles, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 11:01, Reply)

I knew it was over when...........
i told the boss that he should give me a payrise instead of spunking it on coke!

i told her that her sister was better looking than her, also maybe her mum was as well!

i zipped up my flies and washed my hands!
(psychomonkey padded cell and drugged bananas, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 10:59, Reply)

o so over
When mid-coitus I needed a waz. On returning she said "Have you washed your hands?". The proverbial bucket of water, that was. Bye luv.
( petuniadb, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 10:58, Reply)

I knew it was over...
...before it even started when he told me he a) thought the crazy frog was hilarious and b) was considering replacing his Playboy rabbit tattoo with 'one of Bart Simpson with his arse out'.

Suffice to say I made my excuses, but he's lucky I didn't drown him in the canal for the sake of the gene pool.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 10:55, Reply)

Knew it was over
when i handed in my letter of resignation.

HA!
( sudo is bored, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 10:54, Reply)

When she said 'We need to talk'...
...so I knowingly replied 'No we don't' and put the phone down.

What? It saved a long teary conversation and a hefty phone bill?
( Peregr1n @peregr1n, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 10:51, Reply)

That's when I knew it was over
when my girlfriend woke me this morning with a text message dumping me
(doltage, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 10:49, Reply)

Well Bugger Me!
Managed to make first for the first time ever. Well I suppose I better dig a decent tale out then...

As regular readers will know I recently went through a short, disastrous marriage and divorce to a fat money-grabbing munter. (Don't ask, even now I *still* don't know why the hell I got married. Put it down to temporary insanity.)

Anyway, after a year of marriage things were extremely rocky but I knew it was finally over when I found out she'd been shagging a copper.

That was bad enough but she couldn't have shagged just any old copper. She couldn't have shagged a murder detective or somebody in the Serious Crime Squad - somebody I could have at least had the solace that she'd screwed somebody more glamorous or interesting than me. No, she couldn't even leave me that shred of self-respect.

She shagged a Traffic Copper. A jumped up bloody traffic warden! The shame! I couldn't hold my head up high in the village for minutes when I found out.

And then I went out with my mates, had a laugh about it, and got
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 10:49, Reply)