I had an interview at NIKE
in Holland, the train journey took me so long to get to the interview I didn;t really fancy the job so when the interviewer asked me "So, what do you know about NIKE ?" I answerd "Your shoes are made by 12 years old children in illegal sweatshoops in Asia"

Funny thing is the interview carried on and I got a full show around all the offices and complex - I didn't get the job though, they said I was 'over qualified'
( Darryn.R, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 12:30, Reply)

outsource candidates
I needed more staff (secveral actually but only allowed one). So wrote a job spec and my manager says here are some CVs from outside candidates. I pointed out that neither CV was even close to the job spec but was told we should interview one of them. So i choose the best one.

The (telephone) interview is surreal (candidate in another well known outsource country). Each question followed by a very long pause before an answer. It became apparent the guy couldnt speak English and was being told what to say by his manager.

So interview finishes and I point out it was a waste of time to my manager and he says we should take him on for a trial period! (I should point out he is expected to deal with European users who have English as a second language. Good move.)

So take him on 6 weeks training - hopeless. Not a clue. Manager says dont worry we will give him a few months "on the job" and if no good get rid of him. Every month from then on i complain about him. He is hopeless - cant understand a word he says and he doesnt know what he is doing. Point this out to my manager time and time again and his comment? "Well I think we made a mistake there and we both need to be more careful in future". What a Bunt. (He was slightly embarrased when I pointed out I still had copies of all the emails I sent him from day 1 saying the guy was unsuitable.)The guy is now sitting somewhere in an office in the subcontinent being paid by the company to do next to nothing. What little work that he does do each day, I could do in 10-15 mins. What a crock.
(anthorin, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 12:30, Reply)

Where To Start?
As a life-long computer contractor I've had dozens of interviews - and I've got most of the jobs..

One of the silliest I remember was for Computacentre who were the lead out-source mob for TSB bank. Went along to the interview - had some bod from Human Resources ask me a few basic questions about myself and did I have any problems with long hours and working away from home and stuff like that. Then he said " I'll send my chief techie in to give you the technical interview."

So I waited - a little bit on edge. Techie interviews can be a bit daunting as you never know what the buggers are going to throw at you.

Wee fat chap wandered in. He looked over my CV and said "so you know Novell then?"

"Yes" I said.
"That'll do for me" Says he "can you start Monday"

Easiest techie interview I've ever had....


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 12:28, Reply)

Tiggy The Diver
You sound ace! Have you ever killed anyone for looking at you funny?
(Black Sheep, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 12:28, Reply)

Tiggy the Diver
I worked at BT Marine too in Personnel. I wonder who it could have been.......
( groovegenerator The man who mistook his wife for his wife, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 12:21, Reply)

TRIPS AND BOSSES
Had 2 particularly odd interviews. The first was in May 2000 (i think), the day after Ken Livingstone became Mayor. The night before I had decided that it would be wise to ingest as much acid as I could lay my grubby student fingers on. Followed by as many pills as possible. Having gone to bed about midday, I was woken by a phone call from my boss - I wanted to transfer to a pub owned by the same company but nearer my house. He'd swung me an interview (a formality, I was told) and all I had to do was turn up. So I did. My eyes were in different directions, I felt that I was sitting 3 feet behind myself, I could barely speak (certainly couldn't form sentences). The guy (all credit to him) told me there was no way he'd empoy me, but would I like a pint to settle myself.

The next one was at KFC. I turned up, Martin the Manager said to me the immortal "Do you like boxing?". I said "Yes." He said "You can start tonight".
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 20 Jan 2005, 12:20, Reply)

The Buster Keaton
"Look at this guy's CV and give him the once over," said my boss at the time. And a great CV it was too. Then the candidate turned up.

During an hour's questioning he gave single word answers, showed less emotion than a depressed Buster Keaton and wouldn't turn the collar down on his suit.

"Do you actually want this job?" I asked in the end.

"No."

"Why are you here, then?"

"Dunno."

My, how we laughed.
(the_hammerhead_tart -- In love with a strict machine, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 12:10, Reply)

"Step into my office..."
... said the assistant manager of a popular high street video retailer, leading me to a window sill at the front of the shop.
We plough through the monotonous and usual questions until he says 'Give an example of good customer service you have experienced'. I reply, 'In Sleaford?!!!' (where the interview was) in scoffing surprise.
He faultered, and went silent. We both did. I knew I hadn't got the job.
( CaroWallis, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 12:04, Reply)

fucking recruitment consultants
I had just ben made redundant from a new media company and thought I'd try my hand at sales, I'd done a bit in the last job and figured that was were the money was to be had. So I contacted a recruitment company. Their ad in the paper had vaious jobs advertised salary 25k basic with company car no experience necessary etc, had an interview with some media student/recruitment consultant graduate who told me that i should probably expect a low basic say around 15k per year, and if i wanted to get into sales like him then that be the best i could hope for and I'd have to build my way up. I thought you cheeky fooker I've just been earning double that. So I told him unlike you I did a proper degree which means I have some knowledge to offer these companies And would rather work in mcdonalds than do his job. The c*nt never did put me forward for any jobs.
(b3tan senseless is slowly getting older, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 12:01, Reply)

Fresh out of university
I was looking for a break and wanted to get a job coding PHP (as that is what my interest was at the time and still is I guess).

Went for one or two interviews in London, they went ok but they didn’t feel that I had the industry experience that wanted.. Bah.. Apply for a job in Scotland, as I had no real ties moving was not a problem. I then spend a whole day driving up the Glasgow, stay in a crappy travel lodge and turn up for the interview. The place is like a fricking zoo not an office, they had a dog running around and a parrot sitting on a chair covered with shit in the middle of the office. The interview starts and things just don’t click with the people I was talking to.. It lasts just 30 minutes. I then spend the rest of the day driving home. I didn’t go for anymore interviews up North.
( Thickey, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 11:54, Reply)

Bruce Forsyth goes for a sales job
Way back when poor old me was... er.. poor, I had a chance at a fairly well paid financial sales job. My old man pulled some strings to get me the interview, and I went through a HR interview, an asessment centre and to my surprise found myself in the third and final interview with some of the sales big cheeses. I thought I was doing pretty well, being confident and clever, right up until the very last thing I said.

As we shook hands as we parted, the Sales Director said "Nice to meet you."

To which I cheerfully replied "To meet you nice."

I left red faced and feeling a complete prat. Surprisingly, I didn't get the job...
(incrediblemonkeydoctor www.rantatsomeone.com - go on, have a rant, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 11:53, Reply)

simpson
I agree!
(Wrecked Tums, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 11:47, Reply)

Tiggy the diver
sorry but you have serious issues.
(simpson, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 11:39, Reply)

Woof
Whilst looking for a new job, I enrolled with an agency. I told them that I was only interested in jobs that:

1. Were in central London
2. Paid more than my current job
3. Were not for public sector or charities

So, the first interview they sent me on? Zone 6, 3k below my current job... for the RNIB. First question:

"Are you allergic to dogs?"

I said "No... why?" It turns out that half the people working there were blind and that one of the problems I was likely to face was replacing PCs that the guide dogs had pissed on.

I have never tried so hard to fluff an interview.
( Bad Horsey Bring back Dr. Ubes Rub!, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 11:35, Reply)

One of each
I once went for a Mac support job at a magazine. First stage of the interview went very well. Next was a tour round the offices. I was then asked to comment on whether I felt I could support such an extensive network.

I asked how often they had problems with their network - the response was along the lines of "not that often, not more than once or twice a day".

I pointed out that the network topology was an nightmare and some unscrupulous salesman had obviously fleeced them rotten - for example by selling them a load of unnecessary Nubus ethernet cards when most of their Macs were Centrises, Quadras and early PowerMacs with built-in AAUI-15 connectors that could use much cheaper transceivers.

I went into some detail about how the network should be reconfigured and added that I was confident of saving significant sums of money by not having to rely on the 'shower of incompetents' that had set it up in the first place.

Turns out the guy interviewing me had set up the network himself and was looking for someone to manage it so he could concentrate on other projects. I didn't get the job.

(Many years later…)
The worst interviewee I've had was an applicant for an admin post. On his CV he mentioned that he'd worked as an administrator for an English Language College in central London - which I knew had gone bust about 6 months before he claimed to have been working there. When challenged, he then claimed he'd worked at a different college but had had an intimate relationship with his manager, left the job when the relationship ended and did not want to use his ex as a referee. More lies.

Myself and my colleague then spent the rest of the interview asking increasingly rude questions about his sexuality and parentage in an attempt to make him either cry or walk out but we eventually got bored and told him to foff.
(SpittyWoonerism, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 11:35, Reply)

Yellow Pages (long, sorry) and Typists
I was in sales in the 1980's and pretty successful, so figured I could sell adverts in said YP. Attended interview, professional air about me, skirt just short enough and top just low enough to get any business interested, and first part of interview went very well - you know the "tell me about yourself" question everyone dreads. I was well prepared. What I wasn't prepared for was the second half where this bald headed c*nt tore me and my personality, my life and image to bits. I was in tears. It wouldn't be allowed these days. So, now, Mrs Assertive, 20 years later, I run my own business. Imagine my reponse when I get a cold call from Yellow Pages to put an advert in their horrid little book. Luckily I'm now in an industry I could guarantee he would know nothing about. Cue typical intro waffle to get me asking the right questions. When I didn't, and just said, "what the f*ck do you want, because advertising won't earn me any more business" (true), he asked why. So I tore into him big time and said after 5 minutes "are you in tears yet, because I'm laughing my f*cking head off" to which he replied "well you don't have to be so rude" so I said "why not - it's c*nts like you phone me up having done no research into my business, how did you get that job in the first place".......anyway if I get any more calls like that (which I occasionaly do) I just hang up. It's not worth it.

Cue me in 1992 interviewing a typist when I worked at BT Marine laying underwater cables. I hired her purely on the basis of 50wpm typing test but she was some dizzy bitch. She started waffling one day about what I thought was her family - when it turned out to be Eastenders (I don't watch any soaps on TV - hate them) I went mental and told her under no circumstances was she ever to discuss television programmes otherwise I'd get rid of her.

Edit : sorry about the long post but I don't put up with shit.
( Tiggy the diver, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 11:28, Reply)

I had ben temping for the company for 7 months
and they were making my position for a full time employed member of staff instead of a temp as its cheaper.

Anyohw i had been told by my boss that i had already got it since he knew i could do the jop and wanted it. But his C*nt of a boss decides to interview me anyway.

The interview lasted 90 minutes. He questioned me about everything to do with the job, i felt like some captured SAS guy behind the lines.

The best question was if i came up to you and said that its vitaly important for you to find out how much water flows through the river river mersey every year how would you work it out?

My answer = I would look it up on the internet.

Apparently it was a good answer and won it for me.
( Gaz, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 11:26, Reply)

worst job interview
I somehow manged to get an interview for copywriter position with a major internet based holiday company, as I was crossing the road to their offices some cunt in a van sped past and squirted tomato ketchup at me, completely messing up the brand new white shirt Id bought for the interview.
my interviewr thought id been in an accident and was even more horrified when I turned out to be woefully under qualified for the job and was in fact completely wasting her stupid,posh-nose in the air, oh-yeah-I-love dining-out-in-hoxton, cunt bitch time.
( bigmeuprudeboy is using powerpoint or paint...have MERCY, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 11:22, Reply)

While working for BT Research...
...and having just finished an HNC, my then boss said I should go for a sponsored placement at University. Basically you got paid the same amount but spent your time drinking at Uni, only having to turn up back at work during the holidays.

So I applied, went for the usual maths / psychometric / aptitude tests and then had to attend a couple of interviews as well.

In the final interview, which was really the Yes or No decision, they basically said that I was too thick to get a degree and they wouldn't sponsor me.

So I quit the job and went to uni anyway.

Three years later I took great delight in going back for an interview for a manager's job with my newly aquired BSc Hons certificate at the very same place and being a right cunt all the way through, as I had no intention of ever going back to work there.
(antonye, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 11:09, Reply)

Psychometric Testing
I went for a job interview last year at gaming giants EA. Instead of the usual interview and/or computer test, the candidates were put through their paces with a series of timed psychometric tests to create psychological profile of our good selves. After that we had to prioritise 20 items after being told we had crashed in the desert and after that a semi-normal interview. I was offered the post and turned down. Their fancy dan psychometric testing didn't tell them I'd do THAT did it. Muppets.
(wattoo, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 10:55, Reply)

ICI in around 1986....
In those days I harboured an ambition to work as a career bioscientist in a multi-national pharmaceutical company. So I applied for what on retrospect was a fairly menial technical post at the mighty ICI research facility at Audley Edge in Cheshire.

So I was called for an interview which involved overnighting at a hotel near Macclesfield, expenses paid even free food and beer! So far, so good....

In the morning, I was collected by cab to go to the interview, arrived at the relevant building and was duly passed through security and introduced to the guy who'd be my line manager.

He was called Oliver. He was an utter twat.

Over the next 3 hours I was subjected to a battery of practical tests - one of which was so basic and consisted of counting cell colonies on a culture plate - and general grilling. For over an an hour, I had question after question. Each time I answered one, I'd just get to the point when Oliver would butt in with the next question.

In the end, I just said that I didn't think that this was productive and that I thought he was rude and should let me answer his questions without interrruption and that I didn't think we could ever have a productive working relationship.

"Why?" quoth Oliver.

"Because you're a cunt." End of interview.

Funnily I never was invited for interview at ICI again and the job was readvertised in 'New Scientist' with the caveat 'Previous applicants need not apply...'
(Doctor Evil, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 10:53, Reply)

Jamie the Chav
I year or so ago I had to interview for an assistant IT bod at my place of work. The wage was piss-poor so the candidates were pretty much the same. The only chap who stood out was a chav called Jamie who'd spent a few years working at a local quarry. He seemed a decent sort and bright enough to learn what he needed to but in the end I hired him because his birthday was the same as mine.

Roll forward a year and he's doing my job (I've moved to Prague) and hired his own assistant.

Dull story but I know he reads this page as well so I thought I'd take the opportunity to say

GET ON WITH YOUR JOB YOU WORK-SHY CHAV.

Next interview I do must include the tortoise question from Blade Runner.

Ttfn.
(furby, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 10:51, Reply)

I had an interview for a local private secondary school.
The interviewer was a proper arsehole and asked me how a car engine works. I was only ten and knew nothing of cars as I had never dissected an engine to find out and it wasn't on the keystage 1 curriculum. I told him I didn't know so he shouted at me, said that he knew I didnt't know and shouted the question at me again. I was a little confused by his reasoning and once more I explained that I didn't know the answer. Again, he shouted at me and repeated the question until I had to make up something. It may or may not have involved complete and utter bollocks. I never go into the school. My best mate did and it was shit. I'm quite glad now.
( Nimble Colin camera-wrangling, globe-trotting whisky enthusiast, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 10:50, Reply)

TOP TIP
If you you are looking for a new job you may be lucky enough to be asked to participate in a telephone interview (the new trend).

If you are really lucky you may have two telephone interviews on the same day.

If you are an absent minded f00kwit like me you may have the misfortune to forget which interview is which, confuse two totally different jobs in different industries and give highly inappropriate answers/lies to the questions asked.

TOP TIP: Know which job opportunity you are talking about and adjust your lies accordingly.
(Benz, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 10:49, Reply)

"Pron Baron Wanted"
A few years ago I went for a job advertised thus: "Graphic Designer wanted for Adult Publications Company".

"Woo! Getting paid (a not inconsiderable amount) to look at dirty ladies all day!". I thought.

Got to the building and there were about twenty ropey old slappers hanging around the office (the company also ran "escorts") and met the boss, who proceeded to snort copious amounts of coke through the interview.

Every so often a tarty woman would come into the office and say things like "Guess what, John... Chantel's had her muff dyed green!" or "Just had a call from Bridie's boyfriend, she hasn't come home from the job we sent her on last night...".

He showed me the sorts of things I'd be working on (Over 40 Floozies, Hairy Midgets, Gynaecological Times, etc, can't remember the exact titles). It takes a lot to make me ill, but looking at some of the pictures I'd have to re-touch I felt myself retching...

He offered me the job, but I turned it down. I didn't really think a portfolio full of hamburger shots would go down too well with future employers...
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 10:48, Reply)

As seen on applicants cv's from my days in recruitment
the email address vickithevibrator@*********.com, My CIM is near completion, a person whose job title had been put down as a secretery cum co-ordinator, the line "I'm a bit lazy at work sometimes, so I go and have a fag then I feel alright again".
(ray bentos, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 10:43, Reply)

I used to work as a recruitment consultant
The agency I worked for used to supply temporary workers to factories, warehouses etc, which meant that a lot of the people who worked for us weren't always "legally" entitled to be in the country, and generally they were the only people who would work for such low wages (exploitative I know, but our wages were just as piss poor). One bloke I used to work with was an absolute cunt to people when interviewing them, especially as for most, English was not their first language, and they all seemed to have been told by whatever friend had sent them "If you don't understand a question, smile and answer yes".

Some choice questions from those days, all of which I heard people answering YES too.

Q: If I was to send you on a cleaning assignment would you be happy to polish my knob

Q: I see you worked as an engineer in Kenya, did you ever grease the ringpiece?

Q: So basically Mrs . . . you are game for any type of work? *YES* So you're willing to go on the game for me? *YES*
(ray bentos, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 10:35, Reply)

Not me, but
some guys I knew (actually leaders of the church I attended at the time) were members of the local fire department (and farmers the rest of the time), and they were looking for someone to replace a departing member. So they began to interview people.

Their third candidate was a guy who had bandages and blisters all over his hands. After asking him about a half dozen questions one guy said, "So why do you have all those blisters on your hands? Do you masturbate that much?"

After a moment of shocked silence the guy asked, "Why, is that where you get yours?"

Turned out he was a welder in his day job. And yes, he got the position.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 20 Jan 2005, 10:30, Reply)

Salty?
I once had a job interview where the questions were just bizarre, and aimed at 'profiling me psychologically' rather than actually finding out whether or not I could do the work...

The worst/best question was:

'Do things taste salty to you'

WTF? err, salty things do? how can you answer this question, and what the hell does it have to do with a position as an R&D engineer with an aerospace company?
(Boris_the_Pig, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 10:29, Reply)

Job Interviews
well, more oxford university interview really.

a nice hour of me perched and sweating on a hard, 7' high stool. with a light shining in my eyes. and three fat, old, bearded professors lounging on a sofa on each side of me. i kept dropping my papers and having to jump all the way down to get them and then mountaineer back up. the crowning indignities were being told... you don't have a very sophisticated knowledge of genre, do you? and "a grammar school? a GRAMMAR school? good lord. i didn't know they still had those, not even up north."

bah. degree from london university for one, thanks v much...

ps: ok not a good story but first post - had to be done!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 10:12, Reply)