BBC
I went for a job at the BBC, glad I didn't get it in the end, I mean it is in the middle of nowhere and an "institution"
Interview went well I thought, two smiling "freaks" on the other side of the desk asking me questions which I confidently answered well.
Interview ended and the smaller "freak" led me to the reception whereupon as a gentlemen I shook his hand to thank him.
I don't have a macho handshake and I hate worms who try to assert themselves with this act.
Imagine my horror when his hand seemed to crumple like paper, I felt his bones move all over the place and his faced winced in agony. He pulled away his crumpled flipper with tears in his eyes.
I didn't get the job. Maybe there was something in their coffee????
(booionic, Sun 23 Jan 2005, 10:37, Reply)

Insurance Dullness (three letters, first & last the same, middle one X)
I went for a job interview with *** Insurance in Bristol in their IT department but was having a singularly bad day - first time away overnight from newborn baby boy, so quite fraught. Pissed on the lit/maths tests with 90+% in both, but the interview, psychometric tests and group exercise (oil slick, island with bird sanctuary, limited reserves, impossible to complete so limit damage exercise - the rest of the group were so lame and indecisive I took the bull by the horns and got marked down for aggression...Christ, you want a manager? Get someone prepared to manage people! Especially when they dither like old ladies in the cat food aisle of Sainsburys!) went less well and I was told next day *** thought I was psychotic. ARF!!

Having said that & two years on, my current salary is 50% up on their offer and I run a £20m value project for a leading media firm.

Probably a lucky escape - the dead eyes singing the corporate dirge identical grey suit white shirt dark blue tie culture wouldn't have suited me.

Length, girth etc. Soz.
(InfiniteZenMaster, Sun 23 Jan 2005, 8:43, Reply)

Teach English.
Advert on student guild web site for english teachers to teach via web cam. Hurm easy way to make quick buck me thinks.

Interview turns out to be at some Chinese international students crumby share house. Sit there listening to him swear at his computer in chinese for 10 minuets because he can't get his web cam to work. Then he calls his associate in Hong Kong and swears at him in Chinese for a while. Then he yells at me in English for a while for laughing at his frustration.

Har Har Har I'm a citizen and your on a visa so Suck Eggs you short tempered bastard!
(rattus, Sun 23 Jan 2005, 7:59, Reply)

CIA
I got interviewed by the CIA once. That was fun: they wouldn't let me go to the bathroom alone, and when I asked them questions, they sometimes wouldn't answer (presumably they'd have to kill me if they did).

There were two things they feared most: homosexuals and drugs. They asked me how times I had smoked pot, and I answered as best I could remember: 24 times over ten years. They wrote that down, making sure they got the number exactly right: not 23, not 25, but 24.

After that, up to six months later, at very odd hours, I got calls from unidentified strangers, who demanded, the instant I picked up the receiver: "how many times have you smoked pot?" "Twenty-four times over ten years," I consistently answered. "Oh," they consistently responded with disappointment. Then the line would go dead.

Never got hired: must have been my fondness for ballet and musical theater.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Sun 23 Jan 2005, 7:14, Reply)

the gutted message
1. i have nothing against the danish..... they invented bacon,
2. i had a lot of tats, thats why the criminal t'ing transpired
3. i hate sprats
4. lego bastards. (they didnt even take into consideration the fact i built the lego technic test car when i was nine (well i got to play with it after my dad did it.)
5. tats means tats
6. as in tats
7. not tits
8. as in boobs
(Hazzard, Sun 23 Jan 2005, 5:35, Reply)

Even More Gutted.
I went for a job at the lego shop in birmingham, interview went great, got the job, so was on my first day, surrounded by sprats, when my boss (who happened to be danish)said she'd done the advanced crim check cus i worked with kids, and found out that i was convicted (poss. of cannabis) a yr b4, lot of cursin ensued, infront of said sprats, and i walked out, takin a bionical diorama with me( attached to my baggy sleeve). not funny or ironic, im just really bitter, cus i was in the lego club for four badgerin' years, surely that should have counted for somethin? Lego Bastards.
(Hazzard, Sun 23 Jan 2005, 5:25, Reply)

poking fun.
jimi.vicious, Gutted.
(Hazzard, Sun 23 Jan 2005, 5:16, Reply)

Cockles?
I occasionally miss or lose the meanings of words, especialy when panicked, so when asked "What unix shells do you know?" in a placement interview, I had obsolutely no idea what he meant by 'shell', which, considering the job was unix-based, was not good.

Says: "What? Erm... I'm not sure..."
Thinks: "Bugger. Shit. Fuck. Monkey testicles!"

Not helpful.
( TechImp is trying to be nice (with great difficulty)., Sun 23 Jan 2005, 0:58, Reply)

Not the interview itself, but...
A few years ago when I was New Deal scum, I was sent for an interview at a youth centre here in Nottingham.

The interview itself went great. I answered all the questions, and said all the right things. We shook hands and I left to catch the bus home.

I arrived home ONE HOUR later, and turned on the TV, which was showing local news. The first thing I saw was a burning building which looked very familiar.

Yes. In the time it took me to get home, the VERY SAME youth centre had been attacked by arsonists and had been completely destroyed.

Bugger.
(jimi.vicious regrets criticising the American electoral system!, Sun 23 Jan 2005, 0:32, Reply)

Yes.. Bad decision.. please have mercy
The interview went great and I got the job. Said to show up the next morning 10:00 am. Went home to celebrate.. met up with some friends and was smoodged into dropping 3.5 hits of LSD. (easily smoodged) First time for me.The most I expected was an hour or so of retro colors and a few little green men. SO SO VERY WRONG.After 10 hours or more of non stop look I can fly smurffage .. and some rather good conversations with the wall ... I knew that making it to my new job wasn't going to happen. I remember hiding under the covers when 10:00am rolled around and my cell phone rang... knowing it was them .. wondering where I was... SO very paranoid.I couldn't listen to the message they left .. so I had a friend do it.. I felt so dirty. I have a job now though and no worries!! I am also LSD free....
(blahism, Sat 22 Jan 2005, 19:19, Reply)

Survival of the thickest - I didn't get the job
As a group exercise we were presented with a hypothetical scenario where our ship had sunk and we were adrift in a liferaft on the ocean. We'd probably only be able to grab six to ten items and had to prioritise which we'd take from a list of fifty, and why.

The scenario clearly stated that the ship had sent a distress signal and search teams were looking for us. The bad news being that if we hadn't been rescued by the time it got dark, we probably wouldn't survive the night.

So I scan the list for anything we can use to attract attention. Torch - yes, good. Mirror, aha, we can reflect sunlight and blind the rescue plane pilot. Flare gun - perfect.

But no. The team rejected the flare gun.

I protested: "But it's sole purpose is to tell people where you are - it's designed to get you rescued!"

"Yeah, but you can only use it once."

"How many times do you want to get rescued?"


So what did they want to take instead?

-Biscuits.
Now I'm a greedy bastard, but I reckon even I can last a few hours without food (days if it comes to it, though I wouldn't like it).

-Salt tablets.
Fucking salt tablets! We're surrounded by millions of gallons of salt water and they think we'll need fucking salt tablets! "Oh shit, I haven't had any salt for three hours! Quick, pass me a salt tablet before my spleen asplodes!" Fucking retards.

Committees don't work. You need a dictator.

/notbitter
( Beve The Spaniard broke off his horse's head, Sat 22 Jan 2005, 18:55, Reply)

Had an interview at Boots last year
Nothing fancy - just some summer work on the tills to earn some cash. The interviewer was the ice queen from hell. She literally had a *wad* of papers full of questions to ask me, which included about 20 which were like: 'Give me an example of when you've used your initiative'. After about 5 you I find that you've used up all the nice things you've ever done in your life, and so you start staring into space and saying um a lot. I started making them up, and for each and every made up answer I gave, she asked me to be more specific.

Needless to say I didn't get the job.
(karma queen, Sat 22 Jan 2005, 18:54, Reply)

Best and Worst
I once got an interview at a phone marketing firm. Interview went reasonably well and they said I could start on monday, as it was late on a Friday afternoon they showed me into the room where i would be working next week sat me at the table in the centre of the room where there were about 15 other salesmonkeys. After 10 minutes of sitting listening to them trying to sell junk to the feebleminded a boss came in and stood at the head of the table. The monkey to the left of him jumped to attention and shouted out 'I've sold six insurance policies and three life insurance policies' then sat equaly rapidly. all of the rest of them then did the same, when the last one had finished the boss said 'We will now sing the company song' Fortunately my mind has managed to blank the words I don't know what lost me the job, wether it was the eyes like saucers and the jaw on the chest during the shouty bit, or the fact that I laughed all the way through the company song.

When I got home there was a phonecall saying that it would probably be best if I didn't turn up on the Monday as I probably wouldnt fit in.


The best I ever had was one that I really didn't want. Parental hassle caused me to apply for a job having flown through the first part of the interview, I was told that that as a formality I had to meet the senior technician for the college to see If I would fit in. So I get taken round to the back to meet him. The senior technincian heaves into view and helooks just like one of the sergeants out of a WWII, clipped moudstache, he even had the little cane tucked under his arm. I just had this feeling of authoritarian dread that accelerated as he said 'I have just two rules' however it all turned round when he said 'Those rules are 'I expect you to be here for morning and afternoon teabreak so I know you're here. and two, you work for the technicians department so any work for them has priority over college work.'

Over the next two years I came and went as I pleased, and was mainly involved in work on other technicians computers, in return I had my car kept in a good state, had my house rewired by the electical techs, and even had free shoes from the footwear technicians.
(ceebs, Sat 22 Jan 2005, 17:51, Reply)

Mid 1980's.
So there I was, just graduated with a Mechanical Engineering Degree that would be ideal for getting a job in the North Sea Oil business...and the oil prices collapsed, resulting in massive lay-offs. Bugger. No chance of a job. Eventually, I managed to get an interview with a company whose name rhymes with Tolls Voice. So I get swotting on automobile history, luxury car martkets, reciprocating engines etc, and headed off for the interview.

Trouble was, Tolls Voice haven't made cars since 1971. Aero-engine gas turbines are their thing, and for some reason they expected applicants to know something about them. Double Bugger.

Interview consisted of glazed eyes, massive bluffing, and sheer panic. What the howling feck is an IP Turbine blade? Eventually, I escaped, and slunk back home to carry on writing applications.

Two weeks later, they offered me a job. Were they mad ?

I accepted. Was I mad?

I'm still there, and (scary bit) I'm a highly respected, experienced guru on some subjects. I even get away with serious amounts of goofing about. Damn.
( Tepid_Halibut felt like a cold, empty shell of a human...until, Sat 22 Jan 2005, 17:36, Reply)

Interview in Nottingham
I had an interview for a job I really didn't want for some crappy rent a car company in Nottingham, I got lost, was recovering from a bout of the flu, and generally not at my best.
They kept me waiting for about three quarters of an hour whilst they dealt with the previous candidate (who was so friendly with the interviwer lady that they must have gone to the same school or something) During the interview the woman grilling me came out with the calssic,'Use five words to describe yourself'... oh fuck, I'm thinking, and I'm thinking and there's this big wall of silence, so I say the first word that pops into my head, 'Indecisive!'
I knew then I hadn't got the job.
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Sat 22 Jan 2005, 16:48, Reply)

to PsychoapeMan
I also have the Family Guy DVD's......

and my favourite at the previous soul destroying employment was when we were sifting through CV's of potential sales people, the fat sales manager said 'I'm not inviting this guy in for an interview, he runs a Christian Youth Group' and my mate Mad John sat behind me says. 'I run a christian youth group as well, whats wrong with that?'

I have hundreds of Mad John stories...he rocked, he's now teaching in khazakstan!
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Sat 22 Jan 2005, 16:41, Reply)

Random interview guff...
I worked in 'Media sales' for a bunch of outfits where you had to park your horse outside and leave your spurs at your desk. Anyway one outfit had gone bust, and we all left giving each other out addresses knowing full well we'd never meet again. Three of us got unlucky and were taken out at another 'media sales' company (to all managing directors/purchasing directors/marketing directors out there if I say supplier support to you and then apologise profusely on behalf of the whole fucking cowboy industry will I not go to hell any more?) anyway at home I received a letter informing me that I'd switched my gas and electricity to British Gas (or whoever...bear with me this is relevant) upon investigation it turns out that one of the people who I used to work with, yes Carl Raines I mean you,you shifty little fuck, had signed me up, without my knowledge by using the address I'd gievn upon leaving the previous company. Anyway this little twat then applies for a job at our place, talk about exageration on his CV, I sat down with the sales director ripped his CV to shreds, they still thought it'd be funny to have him in for an interview. The minute he walked through the office and saw me cheerily waving to him, his whole demanor changed as if he knew he wouldn't get this job. Apparently he went to pieces in the interview, and left, a broken man. I laughed my arse off, no-one shafts the Monkey..... there are other stories of colleagues who I drove towards full on mental collapse, but until thats posted as a question I shall leave that there.

At my current job, i have been to several job fairs extolling the virtues of where I work to all and sundry, one of the first people to stroll past our stand was someone who'd been sacked for fraud (I work in finance now and we're shit hot on catching people out)and then tyhe two local alkies came up swigging from cider bottles wanting to know what the work would be like, needless to say their names didn't get passed on, although the a large amount of attractive females numbers did end up on the contact pile....
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Sat 22 Jan 2005, 16:25, Reply)

I once had to...
Interview staff for a new store that was opening for a popular DIY chain (no, the other one). We were looking for a warehouse assistant. One of the guys was blind in one eye and prone to seizures. I was sitting next to the regional HR manager, who had warned me prior to the interview of the fact that we were not allowed to discriminate against those with a disability.
Unfortunately, when the subject of health and safety awareness came up, I was forced to ask a question along the lines of 'Is it wise to allow someone with no depth perception, and who is liable to black out at random to drive a fork lift truck?'
I didn't play any further part in the interviews, and the guy didn't get the job...
(JonnyMX, Sat 22 Jan 2005, 14:06, Reply)

Working for myself....
Ever heard of the civil engineering company Owen Williams (http://www.owenwilliams.co.uk) - applied for a job there but never got a reply, maybe cos my name is Owen Williams, bet they thought I was taking the piss...
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Sat 22 Jan 2005, 13:37, Reply)

Unilever - The People Who Make Flora
Can't remember what the job was but was based in Leeds and working for Unilever with Asda - Basically a 3 hour grilling which had to include an hour long presentation with my ideas for how to merchandise the butter aisle in Asda. I spent fekkin hours on it, only to realise after discussing with some other applicants that there was actually no job and they were just getting ideas from people already in the industry but for other companies... b'stards....
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Sat 22 Jan 2005, 13:35, Reply)

ASDA YAY
i had one of those crayz group interviews where we had to make up a way of memorising something, ours was the first row of trasition metals in the periodic table,
which being a chemistry student i already know so when it came round to me i was like blah blah blah and i was rejected on the grounds of being too cocky
(Bored, Sat 22 Jan 2005, 12:15, Reply)

Spilt coffee
I had already had to reschedule my interview due to hitting my head on a concrete block. Five days after the original date, I turned up with my smartest clothes and a three-inch cut on my head.

Nethertheless, the interview started well. This was quite a big company and they held the interview in one of their nicer rooms. They got me cup of coffee and after an initial round of questions left me with a short test to work through. Pretty much as soon as I'd started I spilt most of my coffee over the desk. Rather than leave the room in search of some paper towels and admit to my cack-handedness, I pulled out the map I'd printed out to find the place, mopped up the coffee with it and folded it up into a makeshift coaster for my coffee cup.

Once I'd finished the test and was waiting for the interviewer to return, I went to throw away the bit of paper. Unfortunately, the wet inkjet printed map was not particularly colourfast and most of the ink had soaked into their rather nice meeting room table. I left my coffee cup covering the stain for the rest of the interview, and left before they noticed. I was offered the job a couple of days later.
( JimM, Sat 22 Jan 2005, 12:11, Reply)

job interview
feeling a little fragile because of a night on a cocktail of drugs, tired from not sleeping and on a come-down I went to get a job at travelodge.
I get there on time but i forgot to wear a suit so im there in jeans and a teeshirt.
i then walk into the interview and theres this posh corporate knobend there, first question: what can you bring to this possition?

ME: erm a hangover and a bad smell

POSH CORPORATE KNOBEND: (thinking its a joke) ok then how are you at changing beds?

ME: great, why?

PCK: thats what you will be doing.

ME: oh good bye

later at home my mum was pissed off cos I was unemployed and jsut walke dof a job interviw and i got an offer on the phone for 19K a yeah traveling rep.
(Bored, Sat 22 Jan 2005, 12:02, Reply)

Cringe....
My first ever interview for my first ever 'proper' job for a computer sales company. The interview is going pretty well but I can't understand a lot of what the MD is saying, owing to his strong accent. Then this happened:

Managing Director: 'So, are you applying for this position because you just want a job, any job?'

Me: *Couldn't make out what he said but thought I'd better reply, so I smile sweetly and say* 'Yes'

MD: 'Bad answer. If you get that question at any other interview don't say that'

Me: *sit and look a bit sheepish*

MD and Sales Director crack up and promptly offer me a second interview. I leave the place thinking 'WTF?! That was feckin lucky but somehow I still feel like a total twat'. To this day I still don't know why I couldn't have just asked him to repeat what he said but hey, I got the damned job in the end!
(Supernatural Jelly Window, Sat 22 Jan 2005, 11:44, Reply)

Oooh... yeah... baby...
I once went for a job as a video editor - fuck knows why as I had no experience whatsoever, but the ad must have said no experience necessary. At this time in my life I had almost no job experience at all, and was doing the groovy unemployed artist thing of being up til 2am, sleeping in til 2pm and producing a 'zine every couple of months. Since these 'zines were quite good if I say so myself, I put them in my resume folder as examples of my self-taught desktop publishing and editing skills.

Unfortunately, the nice video editor man wanted to look at my samples closely, which was never my intention. On opening my beautifully presented 'zine, he was confronted with a story that began with the following paragraph:

"I gasped as I felt a truly amazing orgasm grip my crotch and wrench it into the air, forcing from me incoherent, atavistic grunts of pleasure. "I want to hear you," my friend whispered in my ear, "I want to hear you come, and feel your cunt squeezing my fingers." I valiantly obliged, at an appropriate volume."

The poor man's face froze. Interview ended soon after.
(Emily Bruce-Dickinson http://jovialfellow.blogspot.com/, Sat 22 Jan 2005, 11:33, Reply)

Saturday Job
Him: "So how much do you think you're worth?"

I'd just walked out on an Asda shelf monkey job that paid the princely sum of 1.10 an hour. Whoopee.

Me: "At least two pounds an hour"

Him: "Two pounds? TWO POUNDS?! You'd have to be very good at selling cane furniture to get two pounds."

Me: "Goodbye"

Him: Now bankrupt.

Two quid an hour! The tight-arsed bastard.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Sat 22 Jan 2005, 11:09, Reply)

Being interviewed for IBM
Straight out of Uni, and doing the circuit of 'graduate training program interviews'.

As part of the 2 day long process we were forced into groups of 6 or 8 and had to 'work out various problems - as a group' you all know the rubbish - from building a tall structure out of bluetack and spagetti to the one that ruined my chances;

"Nasa is sending into deep space a capsule which contains 6 items showing life on Earth - you will choose one item from each of these categories; Art, Music, Sport, Literature, Technology and religion"

Well we argued about all of them, with Mr suited and booted IBM making notes about what choices were made and how.
It was time to make a choice about the religious item.

So I decide to show my honesty and ability to think outside the box;
"I don't think we should put anything representing religion in the box as any choice we make will be prejudice and assumptive. Religion has caused more deaths, wars and pain than anything else on this planet, and I feel that we shouldn't impose our belief structure on any other culture."

I felt quite proud of myself and would clearly be chosen for such a brave and 'sideways view'.
Wrong
The chap marking us was white and making notes like nobodies business.
It was only then I noticed his lapel badge with a silver crucifix on it. As were 90% of the other interviewers. And half the group I was in.

I didn't get called back, and apparently the right answer was a copy of the old testament, as it is found in one form or another in 3 or 4 religions.

Bas**ds
( Geej, Sat 22 Jan 2005, 10:15, Reply)

Interviewing when hungover
I went to an interview having with a masive hangover having been to a party the night before.

After the interview with the prospective new boss during which I'm struggling to hold down my breakfst, I'm introduced to the management team who are having a meeting.

"How did you get into this industry?", one asked.

"I started studing accountancy", I replied, "but I couldn't face life as a boring accountant" (true).

Big laugh all round and then I'm introduced to the Accounts Manager - Richard Head!

Thanks to the hangover, I just managed to keep a straight face and after handshakes all round, I left to go back home to bed.

Got the job too!
(Pewit does things down under, Sat 22 Jan 2005, 8:40, Reply)

I have palavered
with the Man In Black. Does that count?
(Roland Deschain, Sat 22 Jan 2005, 8:08, Reply)