Forgive me (again).
A long, long time ago, when I was but eight years old, my family were searching for a new house. That particular summer, my brother and I were dragged round property after property as my parents searched for the perfect family home.

One afternoon we visited an old, detached house in Surrey with a huge rambling garden. We were greeted at the front door by a lovely pair of spinsters, at least in their mid-seventies. Turns out they were sisters who had moved in together after losing husbands in WWII and they were selling up to fund their final stay in a countryside nursing home.

After we'd accepted tea and cakes from the ladies, my brother and I raced out into the garden, leaving my parents to talk about square footage and rising damp.

'Say hello to Tommy when you're out there', said one of the ladies as we scampered off, 'he's in the vegetable patch.'

The garden was truly amazing - well it was to an eight and six year old. At the back was a large, overgrown area fenced off with chicken wire. This was the 'vegetable patch'. My bro and I stepped over the wire and wandered about, kicking things and throwing dirt at each other.

We ventured further and it was then we discovered 'Tommy'.

Tommy was a huge, lumbering and obviously amazingly old tortoise. He didn't do much. Just stood there, very comfortable in our presence, munching on a rhubarb leaf or something. The two of us stroked him, fed him some more leaves and sat watching him, fascinated by his funny eyes and coarse, leathery neck.

In the vegetable patch was a very large, rusting old drum that was used to collect rainwater. It was full up. I could just peer over the top of the it. And then, suddenly, for absolutely no reason. For absolutely no reason I will ever understand, I walked over to Tommy, picked him up, held him over my head and dropped him in the drum.

He sunk instantly.

I could have saved him. Could have ran back into the house. Could have got my father to tip over the drum and rescue Tommy. But I didn't. I just stayed in the garden with my brother. My brother never opened his mouth. He just looked at me oddly, like this was some lesson in life he was too young to comprehend.

Eventually my folks called us back in. We left with smiles and thanks to the old dears for the tea and cake. No one mentioned Tommy.

Fast forward a month or two. And as fate would have it, my parents bought that very house and we moved in one rainy Sunday. When we arrived at our new house it was empty, the two old girls having moved out a few days before.

During the chaos of the move, with the boxes and the furniture and the lorry and the stress, one of the removal men slipped out back for a fag. He quickly called my folks outside and we all ran out to see what the fuss was about. There, at the back of the garden, in the vegetable patch were the previous owners. They were walking arm in arm in the driving rain, staring at the ground and were obviously extremely distressed. We went out to see them.

'Minnie won't leave until we find Tommy', one of them said, 'he has to be around here somewhere, we've had him FIFTY years, he HAS to come with us.'

Cue frantic searching of the garden by parents, children and removal men, all to no avail. After much tea and sympathy, my dad drove the wretched pair to the station, sans Tommy.

Various theories were bandied around about foxes and tunneling...but soon Tommy was forgotten. But not for me. I have never forgotten. Over 25yrs later and the thought can still wake me up in the night.

I'll never know what drove me to murder that day. But I know where I'm going because of it.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 22 Dec 2011, 14:26, 15 replies)

It'd make Blue Peter much more interesting if they did this once a year.

( Muns, Thu 22 Dec 2011, 14:34, closed)

:/
They all start out like this. It'll be prostitutes next for you...
(The Apeface Cherub is not a cunty-uber-cunt, Thu 22 Dec 2011, 14:36, closed)

Still
clicked though.. nicely told
(The Apeface Cherub is not a cunty-uber-cunt, Thu 22 Dec 2011, 14:37, closed)

Too late, he probably already has
www.b3tards.com/u/63e645c3826fa9bc7564/terrifying.gif
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 22 Dec 2011, 15:43, closed)

Alright Albert

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Thu 22 Dec 2011, 14:37, closed)

Bet you'd be up for this
New sport for 2012 Olympics
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 22 Dec 2011, 14:40, closed)

Had a proper giggle in the office. Nice one!
(tyrellsOwl, Thu 22 Dec 2011, 15:13, closed)

It's this sort of thing that made you the man you are today.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 22 Dec 2011, 15:42, closed)

God, someone needs to make a badge for this;
The Day B3tans Drew The Line :D

The fallout was awesome from this though lol, what a fucking "touch your hair" freak.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 22 Dec 2011, 22:44, closed)

Losing it?
Come on AB - you've only reposted that two year old story twice in your replies!

I thought it was a three repost minimum on that link?

I'll help you out:

www.b3tards.com/u/63e645c3826fa9bc7564/terrifying.gif
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 23 Dec 2011, 14:22, closed)

Quick! Go and find a photo of me on the internet, that'll show me.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 23 Dec 2011, 15:43, closed)

At no point during your reply do you try to defend your actions, I notice.
Are you on a register of some kind?
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 23 Dec 2011, 18:06, closed)

Hmmm...
There's a register for tortoise killers?

I was very young. Can I use the 'innocence of youth' defence for my actions?
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 20:19, closed)

You're just generally a dangerously unstable pervert, aren't you?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 22 Dec 2011, 16:02, closed)

Shell . . .
What happened to the remains then? If they didnt find it the shell must and bones must have been still in the bottom of the barrel?
(jonnyninetails, Fri 23 Dec 2011, 11:07, closed)