New house
Moved into a new house,the previous owners took their dustbin with them so for the first few days we left our rubbish outside in a bin bag.

One night Mrs. Barnetboy came in shouting "There's something in the bin bag, it's a rat, it's a rat, it's a rat", for she was pregnant and hysterical. I suggested tipping up the bag so the beast could make good its escape.

"You have to kill it" replied she.

I approached the bag with a 4 foot length of lumber and did smite it with almighty force. Two things happened; the length of wood snapped in half and the beast let out a deafening wail that alerted the neighbours.

"It's a kitten, it's a kitten, it's a kitten" wailed my beloved above the wailing of the beast. I then set about hitting the dying beast with the remaining lump of wood until the wailing stopped..... from the animal at least.

I considered it job done but Mrs. B didn't "You have to find out who's kitten it is so that you can tell them that you killed it". For now I'm the villain of the piece. Gingerly I slit the side of the bag open fearing reprisal from a near dead rat/kitten.

Then I discovered the horrible truth, it was a hedgehog.... I had battered to death Mrs. Tiggywinkle.
(Barnetboy, Thu 22 Dec 2011, 15:27, 10 replies)

Haaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahaha
That bitch had it coming.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 22 Dec 2011, 15:30, closed)

This is great!
(Obviously not for the hedgehog though...)
( splorp ®, Thu 22 Dec 2011, 15:32, closed)

You're definitely going to hell for this one.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 22 Dec 2011, 15:32, closed)

If it helps, you didn't really batter it to death.
Due to the quills, Quincy Hedgehog M.D. would have listed the cause of death as multiple stab wounds with secondary blunt force trauma.
( Muns, Thu 22 Dec 2011, 15:42, closed)

For mercy's sake close this QOTW now, we need go no further
Winnah! *click*
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Thu 22 Dec 2011, 16:23, closed)

The best bit is....
Whenever I try to tell people this tale I start off talking about bin bags and setting the scene but Mrs. Barnetboy, who has anecdote punchline tourettes syndrome just blurts out "Was that when you killed the hedgehog?" Thus battering the story to death.
(Barnetboy, Thu 22 Dec 2011, 16:49, closed)

"anecdote punchline tourettes"
OfficeLOLs
( Infidel , shit and wrong, Thu 22 Dec 2011, 17:18, closed)

Much as I love her
We've been married 20 years now so I should be used to it; a few seconds into a story and she can't help herself blurting out the punchline.
After I complain she'll tell me to carry on and still tell the story. I then half heartedly wade through the details of it and end it with a ta-da style punchline and everyone nods and says yeah we know.
(Barnetboy, Thu 22 Dec 2011, 17:23, closed)

Tourettes
Next time you have a bit of wood, batter her to death with it, then you will be able to tell both stories uninterrupted.
Length, about 3 foot of 2 x 2 should do it.
(Classic Ray, Fri 23 Dec 2011, 22:37, closed)

This is hideous
Am I the only person that doesn't like this story?
(anonymouse sitting in front of a screen since 1989, Wed 28 Dec 2011, 17:49, closed)