sickipedia

(Icky the bare bum firebobby oggglebogglehnnngagagawurrrr, Thu 22 Aug 2013, 20:23, Reply)

I told a joke in college - What's the difference between meat and chicken?
The answer of course was - If you beat your chicken it will die.
My so called mates all pissed themselves for about 10 minutes.

It turns out they had all been gathered around the day before as I had a wank in the toilet stall.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Thu 22 Aug 2013, 20:11, 4 replies)

I posted what I thought was a funny story on comedy website
and nobody even bothered to call me a cunt.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Thu 22 Aug 2013, 20:04, 3 replies)

tried to be funny, fell flat on my arse, ended up funny after all.
new year's day, 2010. my parent's annual new year's day party. i was sitting in one of those white plastic lawn chairs as all other seats were taken. my two-year-old nephew was getting tired and cranky, so i sat him on my lap and made silly faces, trying to be funny and cheer him up. sadly, he wasn't amused and tried to climb over my shoulder to get to the tree decorations behind me.
as our weight* on the chair shifted, the plastic legs lost their grip on the laminate flooring and buckled, tipping me upside down into the christmas tree with a very startled toddler bawling on my chest and everyone else roaring with laughter.
it wasn't just me, either. everyone who sat on one of those 4 garden chairs that night ended p on their arses as the legs gave up the ghost.
plastic furniture and laminate flooring do not mix.

*when it comes to weight, my cousin's chair buckled too and she's so thin, she's practically invisible when she turns sideways.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 22 Aug 2013, 19:30, 3 replies)

I once made everyone hate me with out saying a single word
I was once waiting for a kebab in a late night take away in Huddersfield. The place was quite busy with various groups of inebriated student types who'd all got the munchies from their various nights out. They'd all ordered their food and were now (like me) waiting to be called to collect it from the front and so were all just quietly standing and staring at the menu. No one spoke or so much as looked at each other while they were waiting. I remember that I'd just thought it strange how weirdly quiet it was considering so many people were in there when a total scumtard walked through the door.

You know the type. The jeans round the knees, the Burberry cap, and the gold chain that looked like it was heavier than he was. He clearly liked to think he was gangsta despite the fact he probably lived with his librarian mum and pet guinea pig.

He swaggered up to the front and ordered a can of coke, paid and went to leave. As he turned around though he caught site of quite a large girl sat in the corner, stopped, turned to look her straight in the face and shattered the silence with the words "Bet you ordered chips dint yer yer fat cunt!"

And then he left, leaving behind him a lot of people taking intakes of breath and shaking their heads disapprovingly, one upset fat girl, her friends asking if she was okay...and me...trying to stifle the fact that I was absolutely pissing myself.

In my defense, it wasn't that I'd found what he said funny. It was just how harsh and unexpected it was. The same reason I find "Whats the difference between a rock and a baby?" funny. Everybody turned at stared at me, and I had nearly recovered when the guy who ran the takeaway read her name out followed by her order...chips. I was gone
( Furness, Thu 22 Aug 2013, 19:08, 14 replies)

Yes- its part of doing standup comedy
When people walk out you know you are doing it right.
Worse recent gig was performing to a room of 8 other acts and 2 punters. Both blokes on ketamine and not really able to be there. Fucking pointless. Even if you do well who will see it?

A lot of gigs in London are to a room full of other acts with 3-5 punters. Until it picks up I'd say give doing comedy a miss.

I'm also not funny.
(waxdart hello., Thu 22 Aug 2013, 17:57, 1 reply)

mate's husband
an absolute prick. he was about to meet her father for the first time and mentioned to her that he had a great trick that was really funny.
his great trick turned out to be waiting to be introduced to his soon-to-be father in law, then picking his nose in a disgusting manner and thrusting his snot-fingered hand out for the poor man to shake.
nobody was amused. no wonder only 4 people turned up for their wedding.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 22 Aug 2013, 17:52, 4 replies)

One from back at 6th Form
I was talking about my girlfriend at the time, who was 15, and I was 16. One of the people I got on with said "So, you're a dirty paedo then?" in a clearly jokey way, I confirmed it in the same manner.

For the next 4 months I couldn't go anywhere without being called a 'Paedo', I was chatting to one girl at youth group when she was dragged away by her sister, who warned her I was 'dangerous'. It turned out at a later date that she was the main one who'd been telling people, because 'it was only right that they knew what I was like', and it was her 'christian duty'.

I hope the bitch burns in hell to be honest.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 22 Aug 2013, 16:51, 18 replies)

Sickipedia. Oh dear.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 22 Aug 2013, 16:38, 7 replies)

Nearly lost my job over a jokey comment taken out of context.
I was a manager in a company where the long-term admin girls who worked on the reception desk were notorious for bullying the temps they didn't like, forcing them to quit. One morning there was a new victim for them sitting at the telephone desk.
I walked past her, greeted her and walked into the neighbouring kitchen where I bumped into one of the admin staff (who was a friend). I glibly quoted her analysis of the last victim,"So it looks like you've got another one of those 'lazy useless' temps to get rid of hey?"
I made my morning coffee and walked back past her to my office. A little later one of my colleagues who worked on the same floor as she phoned me up and told me she'd started crying and stormed out of the office because of what I'd said to her.

About an hour later the recruitment company had put in a formal complaint about me.

I was summoned to head office an hour or so's drive away and made to wait outside the Managing Directors office for over an hour like a naughty schoolboy waiting for the Headmaster.
After he'd decided I'd stewed long enough he summoned me in and started his routine,"So I hear that you've verbally abused the new receptionist by saying to her,'Hello, so you're another one of these evil lazy bitch temps. You won't last very long here.'
He carried on with a diatribe about official disciplinary processes, industrial tribunals and a whole load of other threatening nonsense where he told me my career could be over.

I was initially stunned. Then annoyed that I'd been summoned into the city to justify myself to the Group Managing Director on the words of a girl who'd barely been in the building for 5 minutes. I'd worked at the company for over 10 years by then.

After explaining exactly what I had said and done and to whom, putting context into my comments he decided that perhaps things had been somewhat blown out of proportion and dismissed me from his office without any further ado.

The more I thought about everything the more bitter I got.
The next 4 years at the company was a game of brinksmanship between me, the senior directors and management as we all knew that I was too important to a major project to get rid of no matter what I got upto.

I got away with all sorts.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Thu 22 Aug 2013, 16:27, 3 replies)

SHITPANTS NUGENT THAT'S WHAT
I LIKED THIS SONG BACK IN 68 AND IT STILL ROCKS, BUT IT WAS THE WHOLE PACKAGE, NOT JUST THE GUITAR LICK. BUT IN 2013, FUCK SHITPANTS NUGENT. HE IS ALL TOUGH, BUT WHEN IT WAS HIS TIME T5O HAVE BULLE4TS WIZ BY HIS HEAD, HE SHIT HIMSELF HERE AT HOME. FUCK HIM AND FUCK HIS DENIALS. EVEN IF IT ISN'T TRUE, IF YOU ARE STUPID ENOUGH TO TELL THAT STORY, NOW YOU OWN IT SHITPANTS. NO GETTING AWAY FROM IT.
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Thu 22 Aug 2013, 15:46, 6 replies)

Yeah that was awkward
On a night out, after a few beers a (non-drinking) mate was giving me and another pal a lift to the next pub where we were due to meet a few more friends. we were yip-yapping away when the driver interjected with 'I've got a bit of bad news to share with you guys before we get to the next pub and see everyone else'.

"Your mum's got cancer!" I shouted out, hilariously.

So, um, yeah. She has.
(Bappage, Thu 22 Aug 2013, 15:40, 4 replies)

Once on this shit website called b3ta I made a suggestion for QOTW

( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Thu 22 Aug 2013, 15:31, Reply)

Up the pass!
I still cringe when I think about this, yet at the time I was completely oblivious.

Living as a backpacker in Sydney at the time I'd made various friends from casual employment and was invited along to a birthday party at a local bar. I was introduced to various people I'd not met before by the host and left chatting with a couple of fellas.

I'd recently starting working at a hire car company so conversation drifted into that topic and they told me about how they'd recently written off a hire car while on holiday.

Apparantly they'd been collecting the car, a 4x4 jeep, and the sales person had asked about the level of insurance cover they wanted as they'd opted for the basic minimum. When they questioned it they were told "Well with this one, if you crashed it then you've just bought a wrecked jeep". So they decided to err on the side of caution and went for something a little more comprehensive.

Luckily for them that they did as apparantly less than an hour later they ventured off road and were motoring along an unsurfaced track, lost control and rolled the jeep into the ditch.

One of the guys described to me "The eeriest thing was one second you have all the noise and the next there was silence except the CD was still playing"....

I dunno why, not for the life of me can I think how it may have been relevant, but I asked what they had been listening to. They looked at one another and said they thought it was a Kylie CD or something. Anyway, my mouth opened and I said "Oh that's ok then, imagine if it had been something dodgy like the village people.... That may have looked a bit odd if someone came along and found you with that playing.... you know, 2 blokes alone in the middle of nowhere.... might have been a bit suspicious..." - Nope, not even a glimmer of humour, maybe it was because I was totally oblivious to any possible signs before me.

The two chaps went to get a drink and my friendly host came over, "They're a lovely couple arn't they?".

Turns out I'd just made a joke about not wanting to be mistaken for a "couple of queers", to a gay couple.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 22 Aug 2013, 15:09, Reply)

One of my Greek friends only posts her Facebook status updates in Greek (selfish cow)
So I got into the habit of liking every single one of her incomprehensible status updates just for shits and giggles. This routine fell flat when I inadvertently liked the sad announcement that her grandmother had died.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Thu 22 Aug 2013, 14:36, 2 replies)

All the posts before this one
and, I imagine, a large proportion of those that come after, not to mention the replies to this one.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Thu 22 Aug 2013, 14:25, 1 reply)

That Jack Dee show...what's it called?
Oh yeah, 'The Jack Dee Show'.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 22 Aug 2013, 14:20, Reply)

Everything Joel Veitch has ever done.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 22 Aug 2013, 13:56, 2 replies)

Oh God
A client had told me tearfully in the pub about how she'd accidentally run over her cat. I told people in the team hoping they'd just be nice to her and not mention it.

Anyway, next time we're on a conference call, she says something about 'Category sales month on month are fairly stable, and in fact we haven't seen much fluctuation over the last two quarters.', and someone chimes in with 'So you could say the cat. is pretty flat?'.

Tumbleweed.

I had to promise her that he'd never speak to her again and we moved him to a different team.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 22 Aug 2013, 13:38, Reply)

YM goes down like a lead balloon
Thank you.
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 22 Aug 2013, 13:20, Reply)

morning

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Thu 22 Aug 2013, 13:07, 2 replies)

how have none of you mentioned that piston set yet?
if anyone can find the video, i'd really appreciate it
( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 22 Aug 2013, 12:58, 14 replies)

No. Have you?

( Two Hats I saw someone eating M&M's with a spoon, Thu 22 Aug 2013, 12:55, 1 reply)

battered's wife

(alright alright, Thu 22 Aug 2013, 12:50, 1 reply)

I only have one thing to say on this.
I solemnly promise to never, ever try standup again. The very thought fills me with fear.
(piston_broke Actually thinks Supermatt is a decent bloke., Thu 22 Aug 2013, 12:49, 7 replies)

Pretty much the whole of Twitter fits here.
Especially chortlesome threats to rape women who says things there. For some reason, they don't seem to think it's very funny.

Probably lesbians, innit?
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Thu 22 Aug 2013, 12:49, 2 replies)

No this has never happended to me, I am always hilarious.
Anyone who says otherwise just didn't get the joke because they're some sort of thick cunt or something.

Third, by the way
( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Thu 22 Aug 2013, 12:48, Reply)

Second. You bunch of cunts.

Anything posted by Ringo/ Misery/ Sock or whatever he's calling himself this week.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 22 Aug 2013, 12:45, 3 replies)