Not my proudest moment
Many, many year ago I settled in a small South Cambridgeshire village. The community was predominantly singles and young marrieds and we soon got to know each other.
Every weekend after excursions to the local hostelries, we would inevitably end up in someone’s house for a continuation of the evening.

One of my neighbours (who was Welsh), had been telling us for the previous few weeks that his younger brother was coming to visit.
On this evening in question, I arrived a bit late and everyone had assembled. After the ‘Hi’s and ‘Hello’s, we are all seated and conversations resume.

I then noticed a pair of feet (obviously attached to legs and the rest of the body) stretched out from the far end of the sofa. On the feet were the most bleeding awful pair of platform shoes ever seen. They must have been at least 15 years out of fashion. Peering around, I also noticed that he was wearing tinted specs and a nylon bomber jacket.
This, I surmised, must be the younger brother, and fair game.

Half way through a sentence, I suddenly shouted “Uggi Uggi Uggi” and his immediate reply of “Oi Oi Oi” confirmed my deduction and I knew I had a live one.
The conversation went thus:
“From that little outburst, I guess you must be the younger brother”
“I am indeed, boyo”
“Well I am pleased to meet you, but I think I must take older brother to task for not preparing us properly for your arrival. Now I have noticed that you are not quite the same as the rest of us, how do you feel about that?”
“What do you mean, boyo?”
“Well you are different, does that make you feel awkward?”
“Do you want to waken up seeing Jesus Christ?”
(I became very aware that the neighbours were looking at me in aghast. Eyes as wide open as their mouths. Now this surprised me as they knew I remorselessly took the mickey from everyone)
“Don’t be like that, please. It is rather obvious and must be on the mind of everyone here but they are just being too polite to mention it”.
“You’ll be shitting teeth, boyo”
(Again, looking at the neighbours, they were all affected by total paralysis. Oh crap, this is getting to be a struggle, I thought, time to stop)
“Look, it is not your fault that you have two club feet”
He burst out laughing and there was a collective sigh of relief from the neighbours as the tension suddenly evaporated.

It was sometime later that evening the conversation got round to height. I was asked and replied “Something over 6’2””.
“I am 4”7”” says the younger brother who promptly stands up to reveal that, yes, he was 4’7” and had a hump on his back…

I felt like vomiting. I could have left that room by sliding under the closed door.

He stayed for years, we did become friends and I learnt to shut the fuck up.
(bof, Tue 27 Aug 2013, 15:14, 6 replies)

what?

(alright alright, Tue 27 Aug 2013, 16:45, closed)

Sadly this is true.

(bof, Tue 27 Aug 2013, 18:10, closed)

what is?
it's just a bunch of words
(alright alright, Tue 27 Aug 2013, 21:04, closed)

You talk strange

(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Tue 27 Aug 2013, 20:32, closed)

So your story is "someone had shoes on"?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 27 Aug 2013, 21:17, closed)

Someone from Wales apparently. I can't work out any more, it reads like a reply on yahoo questions.

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Tue 27 Aug 2013, 22:35, closed)

all welsh people end their sentences with boyo
True fact.
( rofl harris, Wed 28 Aug 2013, 0:21, closed)