2 tales...
1) I was applying for my 1st job out of Uni, and of course they asked for your exam results. Having torn up my A-Level reults sheet on the day becuase they were a long way short of what I was expecting, I couln't remember which way round I'd gotten in Chemistry and Biology. One was a C, the other a D. I filled in the form, guessed, and sat back to watch the job offers roll in.

I get an interview at the Nottingham Tax Department, checking numbers and see who has and hasn't paid up their yearly dues. Get the job, turn up for the 1st week and everything goes swimmingly. Even get taken out for a welcome to the department drink on Friday lunchtime!

2nd monday, I get called into the Office manager room; me calmly thinking that he just want to introduce himself. He turns round and starts shouting that I've lied on a official goverment document, I was going to be fired and that I'd caused him to be the embarrassment of the whole complex lower-middle-management.

I ask him WTF he';s going on about, and he says that I didn't get a C in Biology, it was in chemistry. Muck Fe, I reply, and say sorry, mistake, blah, blah. I'm given a written conduct warning and put on observation for a month.

Handed my resignation 2 days later due to getting dream job as a football odds compiler!!

2) After a crap job, I put on my CV "I will not cold/warm call customers". Get interview at this tile company to build an Excel database of clients. This goes well for 4 weeks, get this data-base all set up.

Then Boss Woman (imagine Joey's agent in Friends but absolute man-hater who wants her son to be the Assistant Boss even though his IQ is 3) asks me to call all these clients and offer them some literature. Then she adds on the end "oh, search on Yell.com and try and contact all the other plumbers in Scotland."

I say "no, not for me thanks". She says basically, "do it or you'll be fired". I leave her office, go to HR and I ask to see my employee file. Take out my original CV, get a big highlighter, circle the "I will not call.." statement, wrote "consider this my letter of resignation" walk back upstairs, stapled it to her door, knocked and walked out the building.

Whenever employee's ask what I ws doing in this month period, I now say either "taking part in a TV reality programme" or "training with the French Foreign legion".
(gjb006, Sun 9 Jul 2006, 12:01, Reply)

A jolly good friend of mine
has on his CV under achievements -

'Once watched all the Star Wars films in one sitting'
( HelloIamAdam and Adam is my name, Sun 9 Jul 2006, 11:28, Reply)

I have never lied on my CV
But if I had a quid for every time a prospective employer has lied on a job description, I could employ Sir Alan Sugar to wipe my bottom.
(><(((">, Sun 9 Jul 2006, 7:07, Reply)

2 lies on 1 CV (2-for-1)
Before that security license thing came into force, I applied for some great job in security which paid big time, so I really wanted to get it.

At that time I had a mate who worked at his Dad's security firm (the Dad actually owned it) that have previously been hired by celebrities and famous people for personal protection.

Basically I persuaded my mate to allow me to say that I'd previously worked for this security firm so I put it on my CV.

Not only that, I added that I'd previously worked for MI5 too.

At the interview, they were very impressed with my CV and the question came up about my MI5 job. My answer to the first question was "I cannot go into detail about this job under any circumstances", then my answer to the second question, "Again, I cannot go into detail about this" and you get the idea. I also mentioned that due to strict security reason, they couldn't contact MI5 themselves to get a reference and that I'd have to do it for them.

A week later I got offered the job and took it.

:-)
(Timmeh I am Timmeh and Timmeh is me!, Sat 8 Jul 2006, 23:50, Reply)

Not so much a lie as a suggested misinterpretation...
Similar to cthonic's original story, I claimed on my CV that I had spent a lot of time playing In C on my computer and kne wit quite well...

There is a Steve Reich piece called 'In C'...you can do the rest.
( Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Sat 8 Jul 2006, 21:22, Reply)

Nobody reads CVs anyway
The last job I took was behind a bar working for one of the big shot nightclubs in my town, a chain franchise.

Under "Greatest achievements" I put "I once learned to tie my own shoelaces". To my surprise they hired me, but it was never mentioned.

In the past I've applied to work for safeway, back when I was living at home and my dad pressured me into work, picked up a CV for me and made me fill it out. I had to make sure I didnt get the job, so under the heading "In your own words, what makes you qualified for this job" I casually wrote "My cock is bigger than yours". They didnt get in touch.
(Valstorm, Sat 8 Jul 2006, 20:27, Reply)

Data security
When I am bored and underemployed I search Limewire for passwords (try passwords.txt) and fill in the gaps in peoples C.V,s, often at online sites. For some reason there are now a number of Indian I.T wannabes who list their hobbies as murder+farting bumfun or setting fire to things - buggers were probably after my job. Amazingly most of these are still up after many months showing that I should have added attention to details as one of there many skills along with perl and c++.
(Benzyl, Sat 8 Jul 2006, 18:10, Reply)

A-levels mysteriously vanish
Back when I had to move down to Cornwall for family reasons, there were no jobs that weren't chalet maid or cook due to the nature of the town I'd had to move to. The nearest other towns were over 10 miles away and I had no car, and back then the bus services didn't get you to the other towns until after 9:30, no good for an 8pm start. The only job I could get, after 6 month of trying was at the local theme park, for a pittance and shitty conditions, although you got the benefit of watching holidaying girlies in their skimpies get soaked through on the log flume etc.

2 months until the end of the season and facing a winter on the dole, I saw an advert in the paper for an electronics company that was based in a manor house a few miles out of town, within bike distance. I rang up the number and spoke to someone, expecting that my a-level in electronic systems and 9 GCSEs would secure me the post of production associate. No, they said, overqualified... we'd be worried that you'd get bored and leave again. Ah ok, goodbye..

Didn't once during this phone call mention my name. So, I applied in writing this time and 'forgot' about my A-levels and retyped my CV (my Amstrad word processor at the time, an 8256, had no printer ribbon left;- give you a clue how long ago we're talking here?)

I got the job after taking in some PCBs that I'd soldered together as a hobbyist (I also used to work at the electronics supermarket Maplin a while before that so had some odds and sods still in my toolkit). After 18 months of doing really well in the job I wanted to take on more testing than building and was knocked back on account of my 'academic weakness';- shit... couldn't tell them I magically suddenly gained A-levels after they'd employed my for NOT having them.

Apologies for not being funny.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Sat 8 Jul 2006, 16:51, Reply)

Not my CV but...
A few days back all the employees for my trust got a printout of info held by HR about us - phone number, address, NOK etc. We were asked to check it and update any changes / errors. All fine on mine except my Nationality which was (bizzarley)listed as Togo. Now I am white, British and have never been to Togo and have no links with the place at all. BUT I now declare its Togo Independance day / the Kings birthday etc if I want to knock off early and I am more than happy to celebrate my multiculturalism with my Brothers down the Pub.
Long live Togo !
(kitescreech still here, Sat 8 Jul 2006, 16:32, Reply)

Me and my big mouth.
Well not me exactly, but some twat with no concept of 'good things to say in an interview' and 'bad things to say in an interview'.

This nervous young lad pitched up for an interview for the post of Junior Admin Assistant or some such low-level drudgery. He wasn't too impressive, either in experience or interview technique, but I felt he really let himself down when he volunteered that he had been given a couple of verbal warnings in his last job for "staring at girls' tits" and that he was an early suspect in the Jill Dando murder case.
(se8card, Sat 8 Jul 2006, 6:55, Reply)

Turn two languages into six

My CV states that I am fluent in Swedish and English as well as competent in Danish, Norweigan, Indonesian and Malaysian.

Norweigan and Danish are quite similar to Swedish, so I can sort of understand them.

I can speak Indonesian (a little) and it is sort of similar to Malaysian (or so I'm told).

If you follow the "if you can swear and order beer then you're fluent" approach, I could add many more.
(Squash, Sat 8 Jul 2006, 1:17, Reply)

Trying to hit the big time...
...as a teenager I was rather interested in becoming a TV presenter so I thought the best way to do this was maybe try getting a job somewhere behind the scenes, and maybe I could work my way up somehow with the aid of a lucky break.

So, I applied for a job as a 'runner' on a popular late night BBC chat show. I assumed by entering, regular marathon runner, keen fitness enthusiast, orienteering, and rock climbing under my hobbies would be a great help.

Now I may have told a couple of white lies there, but I went to the interview thinking nothing of it. Anyway, my time comes, I hear "Send the next one Katie" come across the intercom, my name's called out and I'm told to go down to the room at the end of the hallway for the interview.

As I got to the door at the end of the hallway, the manager must've been reading my CV at the time, because as he heard a knock...knock...knock at the door, he said "Come on in Mr Johnson".

I tried, but couldn't get in, so I knock...knock...knocked again, and once more I heard "Come on in Mr Johnson". This went on another 4 or 5 times, before I started to hear a far more agitated and angrier voice calling to me "COME ON IN MR JOHNSON".

I was trying but all my efforts to get into the room were to no avail. All of a sudden, I hear what seems to be the sound of a chair being 'back of the knees' sent backwards rolling across the room, thump...thump...thumps getting closer towards me, and an under the breath muttering of "ffs".

It was then that I felt I'd blown my chances of getting this job even before the interview had started. The door swung open right in front of me and I was greeted by the manager and "WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?, WHY DIDN'T YOU COME IN WHEN I TOLD YOU?, ARE YOU STUPID OR SOMETHI...".

This is when he looked down at me and felt guilty as he noticed I was in a wheelchair, had no legs and I was really struggling to get up the step into his office. He then, like the gentleman he was, picked me up, and carried me into his office and sat me down upon his chair. He sat down opposite me, with a look of pity upon his face, promptly ripped my CV up, and asked me how the accident happened. We talked as if we'd known each other for years, but I left feeling I should have been more honest in my hobbies section.

Anyway, I got a phone call a couple of days later I had got the job, and after working there for a couple of weeks I learned that the boss suffered from alzheimers.

I have now worked there for 6 years, however, a current employer on my behalf is currently locked in a human rights battle to get a little ramp built to get me into and out of his office on my own accords, but it doesn't bother me too much because I'm still happy to have the old chap carry me in and out of his office on a daily basis (he's even painted a couple of white stripes outside his office for me to park my wheelchair, and there's talk of getting a door knob put on 1 foot up so I can open it for myself and simply crawl in should he be out).

Apologies for length, but they do only go down to the knee after all.
(Lt Columbo, Sat 8 Jul 2006, 0:04, Reply)

...in other words...
Reason for leaving previous employment?

"Company went into liquidation"
"Made redundant in reorganisation"
"Regretably forced to leave on health grounds"
"Company relocated, family responsibilities meant it was impossible to follow"
"Employed on fixed contract"
"Position was temporary position due to employers business requirements"

All these appeared on my CV at one time or another. I left all the jobs because they were shit, I was bored or I wasn't paid enough, or a combination of the three.
(TwoFourAlpha, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 23:19, Reply)

Not so much a lie on my cv,
as a lie on someone else's.

My first ever job was with a recruitment agency called 'Sal-Tech' and being the 'boy' in the office was underpaid and generally treated like shit. My boss was a semi retired woman of nominal sanity and an insoucient alcoholic bent.

On my final day, I vowed revenge and, naturally, got drunk at lunchtime. When I came back, I picked the first cv I could find on the database - a Mr R Putta if my memory serves me well - and set to work.

'Our candidate has an absolutely enormous penis', it began, his hobbies including such activities as 'child abuse' and there was mention that should any prospctive employees offer him the job, he would suck their helmets 'to full completion'.

I printed off some copies of his cv and posted them, along with a Sal-Tech compliment slip to such companies as Marconi, Glaxo and a number of telecommunications companies.

A few days later I received a letter from Sal-Tech asking if I knew anything about some cvs and that they were taking the matter further.

I shat myself - but managed to type up an unsigned letter, effectively blaming it all on the backward girl who worked in accounts.

To this day I wonder what ever happened to Mr R Putta. Bet he's earning more than me...
(ccc, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 19:47, Reply)

an omission rather than a lie...
I listed my hobbies as "snowboarding, walking, cycling and softball".

Left out "cross-dressing and BDSM".
(pfy, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 19:28, Reply)

Please vote for me...

...I am an efficient hardworking go-getter with a no-nonsense professional attitude and a strong desire climb straight to the top. I am very smartly dressed, clean shaven and my personal hygiene is second to none, I also own a verity of different colour biro pens.
(Minty Hit, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 16:44, Reply)

Nothing too serious...
but I have upped my GCSE grades in the past. The reason was that they looked very out of place next to decent college grades. I didn't put much effort in at school and it showed - it wasn't until I got to college that I put some effort in. Also I may have omitted a couple of sackings here and there. Whoops.
( Goldfish_, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 16:15, Reply)

Sounds great: you're hired!
While looking for work between college semesters one summer I answered an advertisement for a startup COBOL programming position at a long established local business. There was no CV/resume involved: the interview was a simple chat with the head of the computer department. After a few minutes of talk regarding my future goals and how this job would relate to them, the interviewer started in on my main qualifications by asking me what the four main sections of a COBOL program were.

I simply said, "identification; environment; procedure and data division" whereupon the fellow behind the desk said, "wow, you really sound bored: you must be an expert with this language already. When can you start?"

I hurriedly explained that I was not an expert in the language and if I sounded as bored as a seasoned pro, it was because I had quickly become familiar with just how difficult it could be to work with the program's structure. This earned extra points for honesty and still got me hired to babysit the printers: not a bad deal at $10/hr for the duration of the work.
( Felis Concolor, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 15:58, Reply)

Fools!
I had to apply for an interplanetary CV for reasons as of yet unknown to me

Under the 'species' heading, I wrote 'human'

Hah! Gullible worker drones! Just you wait 'til they find out...
( Hampster Squared has stuff at www.tilla.co.uk, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 15:47, Reply)

You don't need to lie if you have the right turn of phrase
Part of my day job is doing people's CVs for them.

Under 'interests' on a friend's CV, I added 'Digital arts - enjoy creating digital art, participate in online arts communities and organise successful social events for members.'

Nice way of saying 'B3tan and bash whore', no?
(Pachey, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 15:24, Reply)

Lies on my CV
How about claiming to be in the project team for a large defence civil engineering project in Scotland, only to find out the guy interviewing me was the project manager for said project who only agreed to interview me so he could expose my lie and laugh in my face.

Not my finest hour.
( M3rx likes the Asian ladies, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 15:15, Reply)

nearly blew it
I included under 'interests' on a previous draft of my CV, that I partook of Living History - read battle re-enactment. Specifically dressing up as a Saxon and twatting people dressed up as Vikings or Normans about the head until they lay down [pretend] dead. The interview was going really well up to the point. Somehow I managed to save it, but I never mentioned it again.

Don't do it any more though, flipping beardy-weirdies took themselves far too seriously - for crying out loud, it's playing dress ups and play-fighting - how serious could it be?!
(Jibber Jabba The Hutt, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 14:41, Reply)

I've seen tons of CVs...
... 'cos I used to work for a recruitment agency.

Some selected highlights:

- 'HOBBIES: Collecting Action Men' (got a job, great guy actually)

- 'REASON FOR LEAVING LAST JOB: Lack of promotion prospects, leading to assault conviction'

- ACHIEVEMENTS: 'four children'

And, the best of all, all from one CV:

'I have not threatened any former employers. This is not in my nature. I only handle rejection unsatisfactorily if I am taken advantage of. In no way do I have a problem in my behaviour with women (lecherous, harassing,etc.) I had a problem in my personal life in Spring 03 with a girlfriend which I have learnt from and am completely over. I am not prone to this problem. If I was earning £50k a year I would probably be one of the most interesting people around.'

Oddly enough, he did not get a job through us.
(The Moai, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 14:35, Reply)

Just the usual lies
Willing to learn
Eager
A shining asset to any workplace
Hard working
etc
( Methylene Blue - electrohead, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 14:34, Reply)

Im sorry
Dear B3TArds,
as this is my first post i feel
i should apologise for lying on my cv.
I cannot manage a large country and i am in
fact an idiot,

Signed,
George W Bussh
(have i spelt my name right tony?)
(lovelysimon I am the lovliest Simon, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 14:20, Reply)

Not me, but an ex-colleague...
listed as one of his hobbies "collecting crystal figurines". This was total fabrication, and in fact a tool to garner interest in the rest of his CV. Worked a treat, as we employed him, mainly it seems, to quiz him about the crystal figurines. How do Lee Crane if you're reading this.

As for me, I never lie on my CV but in general I find they must be "tailored" for each job in question.
(urgle-splurgle molesting small goats since, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 14:01, Reply)

NASA
A few years ago, I might have exaggerated a touch upon joining NASA..."Well qualified, able engineer with extensive experience re: space tech."



Oops.
(Cheesecake Like a cake...But cheese, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 13:41, Reply)

well...
.. on the bottom of my CV it says i am fit and healthy... which I am now, but a few years ago i had to walk up a paltry 3 flights of stairs to a recruitment agency to hand it in... i was knackered!!!
(likeajackhammer, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 13:35, Reply)

..and theres more
I've just asked this same question to some friends. One put that she was a member of the Sealed Knot, and was never challenged or even asked about this.
All I can think is it mustve been on the second page at the top.
(LunarJim, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 13:32, Reply)

Not yet but...
You know when they ask you in an interview about your 'good points and bad points' I've always wanted to say 'The only virtue I don't possess is modesty'.

Needless to say, modesty has prevented me from saying this.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 7 Jul 2006, 13:32, Reply)