Me and my transsexual wife
I am a huge fan of the Eurovision Song Contest. I have been since I was 14, when it became my hobby and my passion. No-one really knows why (although many theories have been posited), but the majority of hardcore Eurovision fans are gay men. When I say hardcore fans, I mean the people for whom the Contest is not just an annual event, but fan-club members who spend the rest of the year listening to the songs and talking about the Contest on online forums. There are some straight fans - including myself - but we are in the minority.

Henceforth, since my teens, some of my best friends have been gay men.

The problem was though, that for many years they could not quite believe I was really straight. There were two main reasons for this: firstly, every other male Eurovision fan they knew was also gay - therefore statistically it was probable that I would be too. Secondly, I was rather a "late bloomer" in that I did not have a real girlfriend until my mid 20s - therefore giving rise to the explanation that the reason must be because I was in the closet, and just did not want to admit it - even to myself. In this context, there was therefore a lot of good-natured joking about my orientation, which caused my friends hours of amusement.

I finally met Rachel - the wonderful woman who was to become my wife, and my friends finally came round to believe that I did after all like drinking from the furry cup, and that I was not inclined to play the rusty trombone.

But then there was Mona. Mona is also a Eurovision fan, but she was more a friend of one of my friends, Stuart, than directly to me. Mona is a (straight) female Eurovision fan from Greece who drives a bus, and she takes no nonsense on the night routes.

When I got together with Rachel, Stuart thought it would be amusing to tell Mona that I had finally "found myself" - admitting that I was gay all along, but that I did not want my family to know, therefore I had managed to find myself a pre-op transsexual. From this point on, Mona firmly believed that Rachel was born a man. The joke was facilitated by the fact that Rachel was born in the Far-East, and although not from Thailand, Stuart told Mona that she was.

The first time that Mona met Rachel was when Mona hosted a Eurovision party to which several people were invited, including Stuart, Rachel and myself. At this point both Rachel and I were unaware of the joke-lie which had been told - however Rachel later reported to me that Mona had been giving her funny looks all evening. Naturally, Mona was curious about this person who looked like a woman but who was actually carrying around meat & two veg in her trousers.

When Stuart later told me about the lie, he also told me about Mona's post-party comments to him: "It's amazing, isn't it? Rachel looks so feminine! It's a wonder what surgery can do these days!"

When I married Rachel last year, Stuart told Mona about it - and Mona's response was: "But they can't marry, surely? It's not legal??"

The problem is now that the lie is two years old, and the belief is firmly entrenched in Mona's consciousness. Stuart wants to tell her that the joke's been on her all along - but if he does, then Mona will be embarrassed for herself and angry with Stuart for stringing her along. Therefore Stuart says nothing - letting Mona happily believe that I'm now married to a shemale.
(EuroSong I love horse meat: best of all the animals, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 12:37, 26 replies)

Could you have not used less words to tell us that?

(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 12:46, closed)

If it's too long for you to read then don't read it
The background was necessary for the context.

If I'd simply said "My friend told his friend that my wife was born a man, and it's gone on too long to admit it was just a joke" - then the reader would not have known the reason for the joke, or why it was so funny.
(EuroSong I love horse meat: best of all the animals, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 12:56, closed)

*fewer*

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 14:44, closed)

Ok, cheers.
Could you have not used less fewer to tell us that?
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 9:49, closed)

i read all of this and you still come off like a virgin who married a tranny.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 12:55, closed)

That's what Mona believes :)

(EuroSong I love horse meat: best of all the animals, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 12:56, closed)

I honestly didn't know
there were people who were THAT into Eurovision. But each to their own - good luck to you and your lady wife, and your merry band of gay Eurovision lovers.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 13:00, closed)

Is it still snowing
in Narnia?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 13:02, closed)

Ha!
I like this.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 15:37, closed)

What
attracts you to the eurovision song 'contest'? I'm curious...I mean i'd like to know.
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 13:13, closed)

+bi

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 13:15, closed)

I like the Eurovision Song Contest.
Am I gay, bi or a tranny? I don't love cock though. Apart from my own.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 14:44, closed)

Well
If you have to ask ;)
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 17:16, closed)

Well.
Somehow I missed your epic post on Daily Fail first time around, but I've just checked out your profile, as I thought you might be a sock puppet angling for a bite.

And because I thought, 'Hang on, methinks he doth protest too much squire'.

I'm still in two minds actually; that story about the (gay) teacher that made such an impression on you when you were at a boys' private school...I know (second hand, from books) what went on in those places.

And then the way you talk about your wife - guardedly, as if consciously not saying that she was mail-order and 15 years younger than you. Of course, she may be an executive for HSBC for all I know, but it's what you leave out.

Anyway, I'm not really having a go, just killing time on Friday afternoon, when I should really be doing something more productive.

But seriously: Eurovision fanatic. Have you never sat yourself down and had a serious talk with yourself? Is it time for you to come out of the closet to yourself? Or even to us b3tans - we won't think any worse of you if you do, even at this late stage, honest.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 9 Mar 2012, 14:52, closed)

Some replies
Che Grimsdale: I hope that your post was not really intended to be insulting, because this is how it comes across. However I will give you the benefit of the doubt and reply sincerely.

Firstly - not that it's any of your business, but my wife is older than I am and she was a British citizen long before I met her. I don't speak of her "guardedly" - or any other particular way. I am merely telling a funny story, which I hoped would be of amusement to people on B3ta. It's not often that I have an amusing anecdote which perfectly fits a QOTW - which is why I don't post much, and most of my contributions here are replies to other people's stories. Unfortunately I lack the creative writing skills of many others here, who seem to be able to answer almost every QOTW. Sockpuppet? Seriously?

The "Daily Fail" post - I'm assuming that when you describe it as "epic", you're referring to the entire thread - because the OP was nothing special.

Regarding Eurovision, it baffles me why the fuck I should have to justify a hobby. Every person has his own tastes, and they're all different. There are many things which other people are fanatical about, which I personally don't see the attraction - and this is surely the same for you too. Take for example football: apart from supporting England in the World Cup, I couldn't give a shit about it. Are you a football fan? Maybe you are, or maybe not. Perhaps you also don't see the attraction in football... but do you ever ask a football fan to justify his liking for the sport?

Anyway, as Broken Arrow asked so nicely, I will respond. Not to justify my liking, but to explain some fairly obvious things which, sadly, many people miss.

Everyone has their own tastes in music. My taste is eclectic, but there are some things I can not enjoy: for example (c)rap, or drum & bass. To really enjoy a song I require a strong melody, and I particularly like songs with emotive and logical chord progressions. Unfortunately, many (not all) contemporary songs from the UK and USA have weak melodies, and hollow chord sequences. It's not that way in continental Europe.

Eurovision is an avenue to better melodies. However, the first problem with Eurovision is that the casual viewer will only hear the song once: on the big night. And if you take 25 songs, all three minutes long, presented in quick succession, then the first-time listener is unlikely to instantly fall in love with any of them. If you think about your own favourite songs, tell me how many of them became instant hits with you the very first time you heard them? Only a handful. The majority of songs need time to grow on you. Without repeated listenings, this time is not given - therefore the majority of Eurovision songs pass casual viewers by.

The second problem with Eurovision is that because the songwriters and choreographers are well aware that the casual viewer will only see/hear the song once, it is very tempting for them to put on a big show - an outrageous act, which will be remembered. Hence you get the circus acts which cause so much ridicule in the UK. The casual viewer will remember more the laughable acts, and forget about the good songs which never had a chance to grow on him.

I first got into Eurovision in 1993, when a friend - who had happened to be out for the evening - videoed the Contest in order to watch later - and then we watched it together. But because of the video, I was able to watch it again and again - and the good songs had a chance to grow on me, so I liked them more and more.

Not every song is wonderful. There are a lot of crap songs which are entered into the Contest: so those are the ones I skip. Most people don't love every single song from their favourite band, do they! Anyway - if you're still curious as to why someone would love Eurovision, here are a few links:

From 1971, the winner from Monaco
www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1tSXCssXcQ

Polish song from 1996. Dark and moody, but very good
www.youtube.com/watch?v=8NMCEPUGtMA

Pop-rock from Estonia in 2005
www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDkqtAx31H4

From the 1995 Swedish selection. The song means "The Most Beautiful"
www.youtube.com/watch?v=9PojP6lCRq0

Luxembourg 1984. You might call this cheesy - but it has a very strong melody, and is better than most of the dross in the UK today
www.youtube.com/watch?v=pexcukyq0MQ

Winner from Italy in 1964. A timeless masterpiece
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Utd9cHBPfRA

The UK's most recent winner in 1997. A rousing anthem
www.youtube.com/watch?v=106joSv-OSM

Pure pop from Russia - and one of the prettiest girls in the Contest
www.youtube.com/watch?v=0JuSnJe_Jqc

So you see. It's not all Bucks Fizz and Boom Bang-A-Bang. You may like some of the above songs, you may not. Of course if you're into hip-hop and jazz, then you probably won't care for them - but this is all a matter of personal taste, and should not require explanation.
(EuroSong I love horse meat: best of all the animals, Sun 11 Mar 2012, 11:03, closed)

Methinks
he doth protest too much
(Skeuomorph, Sun 11 Mar 2012, 12:04, closed)

Wtf?
Protest?

I'm a nice guy trying to share a funny story on a website. If you don't like it then you can fuck off.
(EuroSong I love horse meat: best of all the animals, Sun 11 Mar 2012, 19:36, closed)

Can you stop this belligerent campaign of trolling.
Thanks.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sun 11 Mar 2012, 21:24, closed)

?
I hope your children are born with no limbs.
(EuroSong I love horse meat: best of all the animals, Sun 11 Mar 2012, 22:59, closed)

Morning EuroSong
It's a lovely morning here, the sun is shining and I've just re-read my reply to your piece, and, for the first time, your reply above.

So let me apologise if I have hurt your feelings and also if I have read between the lines, without acutally reading the lines properly. As a bit of an old timer, I tend to think that b3tans are a hardy lot and forget that they can have feelings too. So sorry - and let me pull back those assertions I've cast.

Secondly, I too have what I like to think are pretty eclectic tastes in music. They range from Mozart, Gorecki, Fats Waller, Bowie/Eno/Talking Heads most of punk and reggae and more recently 'World' music with 'nouveau indie' thrown in for good luck. I don't listen to music radio at all and most new stuff comes from my daughter now.

The music I don't listen to includes: metal, garage, pop and anything likely to be played in a nightclub (since Donna Summer's 'I feel love' and 'Blue Monday'). I also have an aversion to ALL TV 'talent' shows which include any form of singing and/or dancing. So, OK: it's a fair cop - I've no idea what I'm talking about and I will take the time (at some point) to look at those links and give them some some serious consideration. In my collection I do have Bebel Gilberto, Massilia Sound System, Beirut, Renaud and others that could well be in this category.

As for a viewing experience though, I think I'll stick to Later with Jools Holland.

Friends?
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 8:31, closed)

No problem
And thank you for your thoughtful reply.

It's not about "hurt feelings" - I mean, I don't know you! - but more about baffled amazement that anyone would choose to come to such bizarre conclusions without knowing me. Yes, b3tans are indeed a hardy lot - and I like nothing more than to read a thread full of mindless "your mum"-style insults.. but those are so obvious that they're funny, and usually made between friends anyway. So - again, thank you: apology accepted.

Regarding your musical taste - I've never heard of Fats Waller, Eno or Talking Heads: would you care to post a link or two to showcase some examples of the best?

Obviously if you don't like pop then Eurovision's not for you - and that's fine of course, but at least now I hope you can understand that there are people who do like it, who shouldn't have to justify why they have a particular taste in music :)

I totally agree with you about TV talent shows by the way. I would not sit through Celebrity X-Factor On Ice if you paid me. That's part of the problem in this country: the general public appear to be more interested in the pursuit of fame as an end in itself, instead of concentrating on actually writing good music. These talent shows showcase the artist: but they're just singing old songs anyway, and there is no new musical talent being displayed. This is in contrast to many other European countries, who have a tradition of song competitions where the song itself is the important factor, rather than the vocal talent of who's singing it.

Anyway - do let me know if you get a chance to look at those links, and do post a few of your own.

All the best.
(EuroSong I love horse meat: best of all the animals, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 9:49, closed)

If melodic pop is your thing
Then I would recommend that you listen to these from Brian Eno/Talking Heads:

Eno - Backwater:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=YitVQuOBuLc

Eno - This:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=YxOCdRdYzZw

Talking Heads - Nothing But Flowers (it is impossible to listen to this song and not be cheered up):
www.youtube.com/watch?v=068AFYvd58E
(Frank Snow, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 22:55, closed)

I don't see any mention of LORDI there.
Which I'm taking as conclusive evidence that you're some sort of gaymo.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Mon 12 Mar 2012, 17:05, closed)

LORDI were cool
One of those happy examples where an extravagant performance coincides with a good song.
(EuroSong I love horse meat: best of all the animals, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 18:19, closed)

Fair enough, you're back on the MAN list.
You can collect your Bloke Card back at reception. Along with your free pint.
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Tue 13 Mar 2012, 7:29, closed)

Well
I liked it
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Mon 12 Mar 2012, 11:29, closed)