We are discovered...

FLEE IMMEDIATELY!


ACD
(King Nightmare, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 8:34, 1 reply)

i like to go in to macdonalds
and being portly or maybe even stout this plays into my hands.
at the desk usual crap about what you want and do you want to go large ?
a good reply is yes i do thats why i eat this crap.
or after being served they usually say sorry for the weight at which point i reply im not i am happy with my weight and it is none of your business
just a couple that spring to mind
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 8:12, Reply)

Irish vs the rest of the world
Being an Irishman travelling around the world, I'm always up for a bit of banter, but having settled in a small backpacker town in north Queensland and being one of only a couple of Irish people in the town, I was fair game for piss taking. Usually to do with the accent, potatoes and Leprechauns.

On a night out at the local bar/ backpackers and chatting away to a crowd of backpackers, comprising Americans, English, Australian, Serbian, Mexican and few others - one of the guys in the group started taking the piss about the latter. Essentially along the lines of, 'How stupid must Irish people be to believe that Leprechauns are real?' I endured this calmly for a few minutes, saying nothing but sipping on my pint and smiling genially.

When the tirade died down momentarily, I feigned surprise and said, 'You mean you don't?'

Sniggers all around. 'Of course not, they're not real!'

I frowned and said in a 'everyone knows this' tone, 'Yeah they are. You don't know this?' I looked around the group with a look of shock. 'Seriously? You guys all think they're not real?' Uncertain looks were exchanged, uncomfortable shuffling and awkward downward glances, their certainty at my idiocy starting to evaporate. 'Have any of you guys actually been to Ireland?'

One of the group said 'I have.'

'Did you go to Mayo?'

'No.'

I shrugged matter-of-factly and spread my palms in the 'well that explains it then' way.

'Well that explains it. They used to be all over the country, but now their numbers are reduced - you can only find them in Mayo, and even then, only in certain remote parts. They like the wild countryside you see.'

The ringleader snorted, 'Bullshit. You're saying there're Leprechauns running around Ireland with pots of gold and smoking pipes and all that shit? Like a little fucking colony of Hobbits or something?'

'Ach well now... Thats just Hollywood. Course they're not people.'

I took a long slow sip of my pint and carried on, 'They're animals. Bipedal in nature but vaguely tall and humanoid enough to be mistaken for people at a distance. That's how the myth got started in the first place, you see?'

On a roll now, and revelling in the silence and uncertain expressions which validated my lie, I elaborated. 'In fact, as I remember, their numbers are down to less than a thousand. If you see one you'll be lucky. I've never seen one apart from on youtube and documentaries and I'm from Ireland!'

A bemused English girl voiced the groupthink, 'You mean they're... they're real?'

I nodded slowly. 'Yeah, but not like people, like I just said. They're animals. Check them out on wikipedia or youtube or something when you get a chance.'

As I leaned back and let the lie become truth I diverted the conversation to other myths and legends from other countries, elaborating on how they all had their basis in fact. (By now making shit up on the fly, mixing truth with fiction and just generally taking the piss.)

We were in a small town in TNQ with no mobile phone reception I should note - there was no-way for anyone to jump on their phone and verify the crap I was coming out with.

After 15 or 20 minutes of discussion and after i had them well and truly convinced I finished my pint and stood up to go to the bar. I paused, chuckled and shook my head, 'No such thing as Leprechauns, me arse.' I then strode off without a backward glance.

Boom.
(Rambo, John J, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 7:13, 3 replies)

I am a neurosurgeon, specialising in the cranium.
I'm also clumsy.
Oopps!
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 18 Jan 2012, 5:54, Reply)

Ad Libbing
Whenever a shop assistant greets me with "How are you?", I usually reply "Not too bad for a Wednesday" (or whatever day it is...).

Doesn't register with most people, showing how little they actually pay attention (or care). In America, however, it always causes confusion, as it means you have strayed from "The Script", and they don't know how to respond.

But recently, after a nast bout of 'flu, when asked how I was, I started to actually describe it in detail .... and after about 30 seconds they were usually looking for the nearest sharp implement. THEN THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE ASKED!!
(Barry Dangerous, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 4:14, 2 replies)

So I'm walking down the street
and this bum comes up, "Spare change?"
So I sez "No thanks I've got plenty."
The bum just stands there confused, or maybe he's just wondering why today of all days he didn't have his switchblade in his boot.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 0:58, 2 replies)

Cold Callers
My 2 year old daughter is a chatterbox, and loves telephones. If you cold call me trying to sell double glazing or whatnot, I just say 'here, speak to the boss', and let her deal with them. Their carefully crafted sales pitch then gets 'yes', 'yes', 'yes', 'hello', 'yes', until she gives the game away with 'Ive got a new teddy' or something similar. Funny, I must be on some sort of blacklist as nobody cold calls any more
(lazyman, Wed 18 Jan 2012, 0:24, 2 replies)

Going up to one of those PETA stalls
You know the kind, the ones with all the laminated pictures of tortured animals up on a board. Have a good look at all the pictures then point to one and say

"I'd like that one please. How much?"



Admittedly Jimmy Carr told it better.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 23:16, 1 reply)

I once sent a letter to those fake celebrity look-alike party guest agencies
Demanding two Fred Dibnah's as fast as possible.
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 22:51, Reply)

I have a photograph of a Sikh matriarch with the editors of several pornographic magazines featuring voyeuristic female homosexual themes.
Ma Singh with Peep Lez Eds.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 22:24, 3 replies)

Local radio
I posted this years ago, but what the hell. Have it again. It concerns my mother, whom (given that she’s known me for 35 over years – and been at least partially responsible for my having turned out the way I have) you might expect to have got wise by now to the fact that I spend quite a lot of time winding her up. But: no. She falls for it every time.

A few years ago, my parents came up to Manchester to visit. The conversation wandered, and we ended up talking about something that I’d heard on the radio recently. “Oh,” said Mum, “I think I heard that. Couple of weeks ago, wasn’t it?”
I nodded.
“I can’t remember what programme it was on,” she mused, “but I do remember hearing it. I think I was in the kitchen at the time.”
“Hmm,” I said. “I don’t think we can be talking about the same thing then. When I heard it, I was in the car.”
I caught Dad’s eye and gave him the “say nothing” look. Mum was staring into the middle distance.
“No. I suppose it must have been something different after all…”

Amazingly, Dad and I managed to keep straight faces. Well: for about three seconds.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 20:09, Reply)

Forks
First time poster, long time lurker...

Very simple this one. During my long-past student days I made many trips to my friend Jon's house due to his a) Amiga and b) his access to superior smoking supplies. Every time I went around I would sneak into his kitchen to steel a fork, leaving a knife I had smuggled in from my own cutlery drawer.

I often ate with him and his housemates. Over time the start of every meal was preceded by an increasingly irate search for forks. By the time his fork supply was down to one old battered fork he was simply bemused. "Where do they all go," to he asked, followed by "at least we have lots of knives."

I was able to sympathise with him as I was going through a similar experience, only with knives.
(cupeye, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 18:49, 7 replies)

Yes, it's real money
A friend has just reminded me of this one. A couple of years ago, just as I was about to move out of my flat, my flatmate gave me the rent he owed me - £575 in cash. We knew we were going to have a viewing the next day so when the estate agent and the prospective tenants showed up, they found us sitting in the front room with the pile of money between us, apparently playing poker for the whole lot.
( MatJ LOOK, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 17:11, 4 replies)

science guys
Here's one in the style of the "I told someone something false that is likely to gravely embarrass them at some point" answers.

A friend is currently in the process of interviewing for positions in a scientific research related field at some fancy universities. One of the questions that sometimes actually gets asked in interviews regardless of the field of research is, "what, to you, stands out as the most important developments in science of the 20th century?"

So we were discussing answers like nuclear physics, antibiotics, DNA, computer science, artificial intelligence research, developments in cognitive science, and then for some reason I thought it would be good to add, "And don't forget about Robert Popper- they'd probably like that answer. He's the one who made some important claims about falsifiability in hypothesis generation."

Well, I hope she looked on Wikipedia to see what I was talking about, or that some of her interviewers are Look Around You fans, because I definitely meant to say "Karl Popper". Oops.
( the prick of misery pierced my foot on a spiiiike on, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 16:49, 4 replies)

Inadvertent messing with Nan's head
I just overheard a weird conversation in a local caff this lunchtime. There were a bunch of wifies on the next table, and once I'd ordered lunch I started to pick up bits of a conversation between 'Darren's Nan' and 'Darren's Mum':

Nan: ...so I had to get on the bus to go to Marks and Spencer's to get some sushi for Darren's tea.

Mum: Aye, he mentioned you gave him something weird.

Nan: That's what he asked for when I phoned him on his mobile: cheese, sushi and chips.

(By now I was fully tuned in. The other old biddies were giving each other 'WTF?' looks.)

Nan: well, you know the kids these days, they like all kinds of stuff.

Mum: And he asked for cheese, sushi and chips???!!!

Nan: Aye, I had to get the bus up to Marks & Spencer's...

(I see a light go on behind Darren's Mum's eyes.)

Mum: So you phoned Darren, asked him what he wanted for his tea, and he said cheese, sushi and chips...

Nan: Aye

Mum: Or maybe sushi, cheese and chips...

Nan: Eh?

Mum: Sushi, cheese and chips... (Faster)Sushi, cheese and chips... Sushicheese and chips... Sussijeez-n-chips...

(I swear I never saw this coming)

Mum: (slowly and deliberately): Soss - idges - and - chips. Sausages and chips.

Nan: Aw, fuck.

Luckily the hoots of old ladies' laughter covered the sound of me snorting coffee out of my nose.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 16:37, 4 replies)

Don't believe those cunts down there.
I'm not up to anything.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 16:34, 6 replies)

Grr
Someones ALWAYS messing with my head, making me change hairstyles, jobs, houses or even worse gender. I hate being a Lego man.
(mon bison powered by magnets, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 16:20, 4 replies)

luxembourg
I once convinced a friend that Luxembourg was only a country on paper, and existed as a metal plaque between germany, france and belgium.

I didn't see him for years, but then ran across him in a pub. I got a massive punch on the arm and laughingly told that he had been repeating this story for over a decade, before someone showed him it wasn't true.
( pregnantfridge, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 16:17, 1 reply)

The only fact there is is that
there's no such thing as a fact.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 15:50, 29 replies)

When I was at school in Cornwall I pretended I was moving to Scotland during the summer holidays
No-one believed me so I faked letters to the head from my parents and asked teachers to say I was moving if asked, just to keep the wind up going. Joke was on me though because when we went back too school in September everyone was really disappointed that I was still there.
( Peej, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 15:41, 1 reply)

This Wednesday, at midnight…

All will be revealed.
(King Nightmare, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 14:53, 6 replies)

streetwalking charity collectors / pests
One bouncy little PETA pest comes up to me with the line "Do you like animals ?"

my response: I look her meaningfully in the eye, pucker up my lips and say "Yesss, I like the tightnesss they bring..." then make a sex face and grunt.

I have never seen a person look more worried or recoil and run off quicker in my life.
( pregnantfridge, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 14:43, 9 replies)

I've just returned from a week in Eire visiting the in-laws.
Mrs Vagabond Snr is a lovely little old lady, sprightly for her 75 years, but she doesn't like technology. They have Sky telly, and that's it, and any attempt to engage her in the advantages of the internet are met with quick and certain refusal.

We were watching one of those "Is it possible?" programmes, in which three chaps were recreating the scene from Up in which the house floats off, but for real.

"Sure but why would they want to do that?" asked Mrs V Snr.

"Well" I explained, "Did you see the adverts for that film called Up recently, in which it happened? They're trying to recreate that scene for real."

"Ah! Right, so." she agreed.

At the impressive conclusion, she said frustratedly, "Well there's no point in doing it anyway because it was already done for the fillum!"

"No Mrs V" I said gently, "That was an animation."

"Yes, Vagabond" she said, her condescending sarcasm gaining terrible pace as it approached, "I wasn't aware of that at all ... "
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 14:41, Reply)

I'm bloody not.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 14:26, 2 replies)

He's definitely up to something.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 14:24, 1 reply)

outrageous lies

A friend was traveling around America. On the whole he found pretty much everyone he met to be warm friendly erudite and hospitable except for one couple. They were brash loud and not to put to fine a point on it stupid. So he decided to lie to them. He told them he was aristocracy and yes he knew Princess Diana personally he pandered to their misconceptions about British life like everyone in bowler hats. As he got more drunk his lies became more outrageous.

"where did you say you are living at the moment buddy?"

"The Isle of White, currently off the south coast of England"

"Currently?"

"Yes we're moored there at the moment, but we may move again soon. You see the Isle of White is in fact motorised. The population was mainly elderly and didn't like the heat so we have been moored up somewhere cool for a while. But the population is becoming younger again so we may well move to the Caribbean"

Later on that night he heard them telling someone else about the amazing motorised island
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 14:24, 3 replies)

A girl I work with
Clearly someone in her past messed with her head.

Yesterday, she came out with two corkers:

1- Whilst everyone was quietly working, she piped up with "Did you know, McDonald's ice creams are made with chicken fat."

We were all shocked into quietness. I finally responded with "I am not even giving that statement the honour of being Googled. It is wrong. Plain wrong."

2- After we had gotten over that bizarre event, we were all calming down, when she came out with, "Well, that one may have been a lie, but Red Bull definitely contains bull sperm."

No words can describe the relentless bullying that followed this.
(The Kwyjibo A big, dumb, balding North American ape., Tue 17 Jan 2012, 14:09, 2 replies)

No, really, he's not up to anything.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 13:38, 1 reply)

I took this american lass I'm seeing to a party on Sat
During the evening my 'enlightened' mate asked her, as an american, does she get sarcasm? To which she deadpaned a "no" Took more then a couple of minutes to realise she was being sarcastic.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 13:24, 6 replies)

I reply to posts with *click*
but don't click.
( Pig Bodine., Tue 17 Jan 2012, 13:10, 2 replies)