Turkey and Hong Kong
In turkey got a cab late at night. Went to wind up the window as it was really draughty and noticed there was no windscreen.

In Hong Kong, was chatting to a mate in the back of a cab, when the driver turned round and started ranting and raving about the americans being an inferior race due to mixed race breeding.. and that the chinese would be superior due to their DNA..

I didn't tip him - just told him I was english and my mate was australian...
( Signify, Fri 28 May 2004, 9:12, Reply)

mini cabs
I spend 14 hours a day in a Cab, as i drive one for a living =)
( Pope Yoda is OLD, Fri 28 May 2004, 7:48, Reply)

you gotta improv
there was a time when i drank with two brothers - reid and brandon. imagine two skinny long haired bucked tooth headbangers that loved new kids on the block. no lie.
anyway, we flagged a cab after a bush party, and the motion of the vehicle was not welcome. i, at one window, proceeded to puke all over the door of the cab, as brandon did the same on the other side. reid (in the middle) having no recourse pukes into his shirt with it tucked into his pants (or trousers if u [prefer). then we ran away after he dropped us off. goin to hell )
(goorf, Fri 28 May 2004, 6:23, Reply)

Not London and in a black cab
I was coming home from a club in Preston with a mate and the cab stopped at a red light.There was a nice young lady standing in front of a shop,who looked like she was waiting for a taxi herself.The cabbie winds down the window and shouts "Are you working,love?".Said lady walks towards the car,but the lights change and he drives away.Then comes the worst bit.Heturns to us and says "She would have blown you in the back seat for a tenner.and I could have watched."
(archroy Get down wi' yer bad self., Fri 28 May 2004, 1:25, Reply)

East London cabs
Top tip 1 : When drunk and getting a mini cab home in East London always make sure you have lots of pound coins in your pocket ( try not, whilst in the pub, to change your fruit machine winnings into large notes ). That way when you find out it's an unlicensed cab and they quote an unreasonable rate at the end of your trip and they start larging it with you, you can give them the £8 they asked for a £3.50 fare. Oh, but always remember to say ‘ if you need it that much you cunt there you are... ‘ and strew your coins all over the road.
Ever seen a cab driver standing at the side of the road deciding whether to actually take the risk of picking up 8 pound coins strewn all over Lea Bridge Road at about twelve o’clock on a Saturday night. Priceless ! Mind you, went I went outside of my flat at 3 in the morning spliffed up I could only find five. It was still worth it

2 : Oh, when you ask East London mini cab drivers how much the fare is and they invariably say ’ how much do you usually pay mate ? ’, always say ’ a pound ! ’. It really wicks the fuck out of them. Pip, pip.
(brucekitty, Fri 28 May 2004, 0:44, Reply)

A few years ago in our first year in the US,
ex hubby and I sold a car at a car show 60 miles away.
We called a cab to get home and the driver quoted us $60 (fair enough).
All the way home he was asking us about England. After 20 miles of this he started telling us how much he loved Benny Hill and for the next half hour kept saying "Bloody murder, bloody murder"
When we finally got home, he charged us $10 and thanked us for making his day! Eh?
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 27 May 2004, 23:54, Reply)

I was in one
used the handbrake for corners and didn't stop for the reds... or slow down as it happens! A trip from Kings Cross to Plumstead usually costs me £50... this cost me £15!

Another time the driver purposly drop into a van and blaimed the driver coz he'd pranged it earlier while pissed and needed to claim from someone!
( GeordieSteve, Thu 27 May 2004, 23:52, Reply)

Rome, ahhh, Rome
On my honeymoon. In a minicab. At 120km/h.

Happy memories, but mostly etched irrevocably into my brain by fear of apparently certain death.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Thu 27 May 2004, 23:20, Reply)

The cost...
If you live in Sheffield and want to go home, always head to the railway station, there's tonne's of nice black cabs there. Anyway we get in one and tell him where we want to go, and no flicking the switch to speed the meter up abdul, my mate adds. The journey is uneventful and as soon as the counter reaches £20 we ask him to stop, its at the bottom of the hill, a 5 minute walk. He then locks the doors and tries to convince us that for a measly £5 he'll drive us up the hill and drop us off and that he'd be doing us a favour.In the end we walked back... sorry that wasn't very exciting.
My mum's husband is brilliant, he shouts at cabbies, if they turn the wrong way and try to take him the long way he shouts No you fucking don't, I've been driving longer than you've been in this country. And he never tips either, once the driver had taken us the long way round, he was shouting at the driver and we'd stopped at the lights, so we all got out whilst they were on red, he gave the driver £5 and we heard the sounds of arabic swearing drifting back at us as he had to drive off cos the lights had changed! Fucking class.
(Lord Monkey of Yorkshire,OBE killed a gipsy on...., Thu 27 May 2004, 23:07, Reply)

You may or may not know..
but people in Australia are quite openly racist and prejudiced. I don't mean everyone but it's much more evident than it would be in the UK. I was living in Melbourne with my cousin and I had had a looooong stream of terrible taxi drivers. One night some guy was taking me home from st kilda and he was pretty chatty. we were talking away and i mentioned that my dad is australian and i was gonna say that i have an australian passport (therefore being able to live in australia). but he interupted me and started off on this massive speech about how everyone's the same! god made us the same! "i'm lebanese. people call me a leb. they call other people wogs, abbos, everything!! we're all the same!!" he was practically shouting it. a few minutes later we were waiting as traffic lights behind another car in a filter lane going right. the lights turned green but the car in front of us didn't move straight away. my cabbie honked on the horn pretty angrily and shouted "fucking asian drivers!!!!!"
it's a pretty funny story not really a hellish one
(jeaneye, Thu 27 May 2004, 21:31, Reply)

1) my female friend convinced a cab driver she was a man in drag
(yes, she's rather attractive actually...)
2) Another cab driver got flashed by 3 speed cameras on a 20 mile trip

(no, they're not very interesting stories are they?)
( 100% kitten better than ever, Thu 27 May 2004, 21:31, Reply)

cripple in a cab
me and 2 mates in ablack cab in that most ignorant of cities, edinburgh. It was a short journey 2 mins at most so when i got in i just sat in me chair thinking ill be alright refusing the time wasting of safety harnesses that the driver was quite in favour of.so im facing backwards one mate beside me on those fold down train seat thing another in fornt of them. The driver now decied to have a flashback to a earlier time when he was a f1 driver and proceeded to put his foot down go through several red lights nearly kill a young family and shout at them for just existing and we in the back (me especialy holding on for dear life) somehow managed to get through this racist pyscho driver from hell. Ill admit that we made the normally 3-8 min journey from princess street to ugc cinema in 3 maybe 4 seconds. Its the last time i ever say no to safety harnesses just because im damp.
( filth wizard, Thu 27 May 2004, 21:15, Reply)

Homophobe
Got in a cab outside of A Gay bar in Newcastle, me being gay and frequenting such places. A large queue of people behind me waiting for cabs.

Cabbie gets on his radio and informs his collegues that he is 'Picking up at faggots' and that there is a queue

Then he turns around and says 'no offence'
I said the same when I didn't give him a tip
(DryGoldfish, Thu 27 May 2004, 21:08, Reply)

After a night out in Manchester...
...our regular booked taxi didn't turn up. We ended up flagging down a mini cab and asked how much to Wigan.... The reply was 35 quid so we thought why not.

All is well until we're driving up the M61 when he suddenly says 'Have you any more money? I didn't know it was so far'

We say 'No' obviously and then he says 'Right I'm stopping here, you can get out' This is right on the motorway!!!

Eventually my mate pulls about 2 quid out in change and we con him into taking a short cut (which takes us right through Wigan town centre)

(the mini cab before had door panels missing and he was trying to wire the meter in... We decided against using him)
( beefandcheese, Thu 27 May 2004, 21:04, Reply)

Whilst stranded outside Victoria station having missed our last train
"Want a cab mate?"
"Could do..."
"Where you going?"
"Grove Park"
"(says something in another language to another guy) Yeah, no problem"
"How much is it going to be?"
"How much have you got?"
"... we'll get a bus."
( Edd: The Unfunny Try-Hard Edgelord, Thu 27 May 2004, 21:04, Reply)

Redbeard the Irate
Once called for a cab at my friend's halls. Was waiting for it to turn up and I got a call from the guy saying he was outside, sounding really irate cos he'd been waiting.

Anyway, I get into the cab and see a bloke looking not unlike a young Osama in his punk phase wearing a fire-red beard.

Unphased I relax into 'been out, ready to pass out' mode for the ride to the station and am gruffly asked "What network you on?". My out-of-brain auto-reply states "Hrmph?", "What network you on??". Somewhat alarmed I answer O2. This seems to disconcert him further "Oh MAN! You're wasting my money MAN! I had to call you from a different network!"

I profess my apologies and settle into a somewhat more defensive slumber.

"Where are you going?" This startles me as we've been driving for a while...
Me: "To the station...?"
Bin Redbeard: "Where from the station?!"
Me: "Oh! Home." (Feeling very defensive)
Bin Redbeard: "What station??"
Me: "Why do you ask?"
Bin Redbeard: "Because I got a call saying ones been cancelled! What? You think I'm lying??"
Me: "No, no! I was just a bit cautious!"
Bin Redbeard: "Why??"
Me: "I've just heard some bad stories." (Panic sweat, can I jump from this car I wonder?)
Bin Redbeard: "About cab drivers??"
Me: "Er, a few..."
Bin Redbeard: "LOOK! LOOK! Over there! Those cabs are picking up people from the cancelled train!! See? You still think I'm lying???"
Me: "No! No!"

Cab pulls up outside station.

Me: "How much?" (somewhat sheepish)

Silent pause

Starting to wonder if he's psyching up for a killing frezy...

Me: "How much?"
Bin Redbeard: "Five."

I give him the cash and move like an oiled lightning bolt out of the car and back into safe inviting downtown Reading (by comparison).
( TechImp is trying to be nice (with great difficulty)., Thu 27 May 2004, 20:33, Reply)

This brings back memories
In Leeds, a few years ago, four of us were on our way home from a club. We called a taxi frim we normally use, then this guy came screetching up. Too pissed to think too much about it - he was obviously "poaching" the fare, but fuck it - a ride home is a ride home.

Everyone else had been dropped off home, but I lived a couple of miles further out.

Fucking twat ran out of petrol, in a not particular pleaseant area of Leeds. I ended up walking the streets for another hour, with this driver and a petrol can while we attempted to locate an open petrol station.

To top it all, he had no money on him and was relying on our fare to get some petrol, so I had to "loan" him the money.

Two hours after being picked up I arrived home, only three miles away from the club.
( A good man, and thorough, Thu 27 May 2004, 20:16, Reply)

I don't like taxis :(
I find it way more fun to stumble into a pizza place after a drinking binge, and order a pizza to be delivered to my house, and get them to deliver me too. It works every time.

Sometimes, I even get free chips.
(cookiemonster, Thu 27 May 2004, 20:03, Reply)

Rip Off!
I had to do a course which was in a village outside Rugby. My employers, who were not too great at organising things decided to put me up in a hotel a few villages away, rather than get me a place in Rugby to stay.

So on the first morning of the course I had to call a Rugby taxi firm to come and pick me up and take me to where the course was. The taxi arrived and took me on the 6 mile journey. On arrival at the training centre the meter said £12.60, but the taxi driver said he would have to charge me £20.00 for coming out from Rugby to the hotel where I was staying. I pointed out that I should have been told this when I booked the taxi. He disagreed with my reasoning. So I tell him to change me £12.60 and I wouldn't take the matter further, or I would pay him £20.00 and report him to Rugby council as he was licensed. He said he didn't mind becuase it was a normal practice, so I paid him the £20.00 and got a receipt.

On leaving the cab I took a picture of him with my camera phone and told him I'd taken a picture of the meter too. Then he realised he might be in a bit of bother, so he gave me back my £20.00 and drove off in a hurry. I could have still reported him for trying to pull a fly one, but I decided instead to use the receipt I still had and claim the £20 on expenses.

I never did understand why he was happy to give me a receipt, surely it was incriminting?
(Grundie, Thu 27 May 2004, 18:55, Reply)

Hell
Not a london mini cab, but still a hell freaky taxi.

Once I was took a taxi to pick up a friend at the airport. The taxi looked fine and nothing was odd about it. The driver was a skinny old woman, and I mean old. She looked like she could of been a classmate of jesus. And she drove as if there would be no tommorow, she put her entire weight on the gas pedal and the car "flew" off. Then she smashed the break, then she started off again, and breaked.

I almost had to puke after that ride, dear lord.


Another time in turkey, I got into a taxi just to get back to the hotel. I didn't except it to be a good ride, but this was just too much for me. The driver was obviously some insane turk, he drove as if he had never had a driving lesson his life. After a while of attempting to stop myself from smashing my skull against the roof of the car or flying out of the window, some other turk taxi passed us. The driver wasn't happy about this, he stepped on the gas and chased the taxi, and blocked it's way so the taxi had to break. The driver just laughed and said something on turkish and continued driving.
(GiveMeMyLiverBack, Thu 27 May 2004, 18:51, Reply)

Lisbon cabbie
Flew into Lisbon to spend a weekend with some mates who were working out there. Our chums met us at the airport and we got into a cab to head back to their place. The fare normally costs the equivalent of four quid. Anyway, after 5 minutes, my mate notices the driver has got his meter switched off. He asks him to switch it on, but the twunt refuses. He asks how much the fare will be and he says £20. We argue, the driver screeches to a haltand throws us out in the outside fucking lane of a dual carriageway.

Arse.
( Sausagegirl, Thu 27 May 2004, 18:41, Reply)

MANDA COLLEGE!!
i was in a mini cab going to this gig at bedford college. so i got in and said "bedford college please" and he said
"manda college!" he was from the west indies i think, so his accent was rather hard to understand. so we set off after me just saying "No no, BEDFORD COLLEGE" to him. so he then started talking about how it used to be called manda college, but it was renamed, and he did electronics there in the sixties. while he was saying all this, he was staring at me in the rear view mirror, and gesticulating wildly with his hands. i of course was more minded towards the road. since both his hands were off the wheel, the car began to move off to the right.... into the other lane. so i was sat trying to conceal my fear that we were about to have a head on collision and i'd miss the gig, and at the same time feign interest in his degree in electronics.......
(my apologies for the length, it really wasn't that great was it?)
(cap'nj, Thu 27 May 2004, 18:24, Reply)

Conspiracy!!
A few months ago my mate and I hailed down a cab in Birmingham. We got in and drunkenly talked about crap as you do. Then all of a sudden the taxi driver (who looked like Bin-Laden - not a general sweeping statement, he REALLY did) piped up and said menacingly "It's all the Jews fault"
My mate and I stared blankly at him as he went on to tell us about how the Jews funded Hitler and that WW2 was started by them on purpose. Oh and that Jews are dirty etc..
I thought it would be a good idea to make sure he didn't think I was Jewish so told him I was a Christian, thinking at least we have Jesus in common somewhere. Bad idea. He ranted on about how his God was true and that we would burn in hell (or wherever).
I was truly scared.
( Fronkle99, Thu 27 May 2004, 18:12, Reply)

Taxi Revenge
I remember a mate telling me about a Revenge Kit which included a very official looking sticker to be surreptitiously placed in the back of black cabs (when they've annoyed you, natch).

It says: "It is illegal to tip the driver" in 9 different languages.

(He! He!)
( Dunks, Thu 27 May 2004, 17:30, Reply)

So many drivers, so many p*ss-takers...
...one memorable Ghanaian bloke picked me up at the George Robey in Finsbury Park. (It was from Club Dog, so that must be going back 13 years or so.) The 4 1/2 mile journey back to Leytonstone is effectively a straight road apart from two turns, at Stamford hill and at Clapton roundabout. None-the-less he had to be guided every inch of the way (including stopping at a pelican crossing and then saying "Do we go straight on?" when the lights changed).

We got back to my gaff & I realised I had no cash. "Ok, we'll just pop up to the bank & I'll get some money" says I.

After a quick tour of the one-way system via the cash point we got back to my place. The fare had gone up by 2 quid!

Angry confrontation ensued - me, getting out of car & waving arms about, he, threatening to call the filth. I walked round the front of the car to discover that his number plate was made of cardboard held on with string. I tore it off and threw it at him. "Go on then, call the police" says I, grinning.

This led to a tirade about how he didn't have to do this and I was a very rude person and he would have me killed if we were in Ghana.

Then he drove off without taking any money at all. Result!

*Disclaimer* Every other Ghanaian cabbie I've had since then has been great. Nice chaps. Now the Nigerians, well, don't get me started...

PS: Why do ALL mini-cabs driven by Africans have an abundance of vanilla magic trees? It makes me retch after a skinfull.
( Dunks, Thu 27 May 2004, 17:10, Reply)

My dad was a minicab driver...
My dad used to drive a minicab at nights in order for our little family to survive. One night he picked up a very drunk group of three people, they were OK in the back of the car until they had to drop the first one off.

The first bloke to get out was a very green-about-the-gills policeman. His chums thought it would be funny to simply chuck him out of the car and tell my dad to keep going. My dad complied and as they pulled up to the copper's house they opened the door, shoved him out, closed the door and told my dad to keep going, giggling all the way.

Two seconds after my dad pulled away he heard a rythmic thumping sound like a mudflap. He looked at his mirrors, didn't hear anything and kept going. The blokes in the back knew what was happening, opened the door for a split second and closed it again. A few seconds later the man appeared in my dad's rear-view mirror giving my dad a thumb's up.

It wasn't until next motning that my dad realised what had happened. As they threw the copper out, they shut the door and caught the poor sod's thumb in it, dragging him 200 yards down the road and giving my dad's hubcap a nice polish on the way.
(ElectricMonk is falling awake on, Thu 27 May 2004, 17:06, Reply)

I got a taxi in York a few months ago.
The driver came out with all sorts of gems, but the best was when Right Said Fred came on the radio: "This lot were alright until you found out they were gay and wore string vests.".
( barnesy, Thu 27 May 2004, 17:01, Reply)

fruity cab drivers secret stash
I got in a taxi once and the seats were rotting and the driver stunk like a bottom.
What was funny though, was that there was a stash of gay porn in the pouch on the back of his seat....someone had obviously put it there for a laugh....at least thats what i assumed had occured...I didn't want to ask!
(gerrytaggart, Thu 27 May 2004, 16:28, Reply)

All from the one company in lovely lovely Romford...
Back before i had earned my wonderful drivers licence i used to get a cab back from my mates house of a Friday evening. Three such mad drivers included:

1) Man who sang 'Heaven must be missing an angel' all the way home, but added a deep, low, loud sigh after the words 'Heaven' and 'Angel'. Made a 15 minute journey feel like a lifetime, and would have been longer had I not spoke up when he went to take a turn that would take me the complete opposite way to where I was heading. It isnt difficult! There are two ways you can go - right or left. Right heads home, left heads away, how can you be confused???

2) Some twunt who I knew had arrived by just how ear-bleedingly loud his stereo was, then proceeded to spend the journey fiddling with it and showing me just how loud it would go without your head exploding. Spent the next week deaf as a post.

3) The Jon Bon Jovi lookalike. Didnt actually do or say anything besides drive, but the long-blonde headed leather clad cabbie made me nervous by just BEING there.
(Mogg Questioned her own sanity on, Thu 27 May 2004, 16:15, Reply)

drivers worst nightmare
I had been to a rave in the middle of nowhere (Lydd airport) with my brother and the next morning we walked into lydd to get a cab back to ashford (about 1/2 an hour away) to catch the train home. about 2 minutes after getting into the cab some wally pulled out in front of the cab forcing him to hit the brakes hard. it was just them my brother 'decided' to have an epileptic fit. I knew there wasn't much we could do other than wait for it to pass so I made him drive all the way to the station with my brother twitching and drooling in the back. then to top it all I only just had enough money for the fare so he got a 50p tip
(Symball, Thu 27 May 2004, 16:12, Reply)