In one of my life's more "colourful" periods
I stole a full keg from the back of one of the student bars on campus, whilst severely inebriated. This was, to my drunken mind, the most cunning and genius thing ever carried out by anyone. "Free beer for a week!" thinks I.

I then, being too afraid to call a taxi or get on the bus for fear of being dobbed in, carried the fucking thing approximately 3 miles on my back, to my house. It weighed a frigging tonne. This took me about 4 hours or so if I remember correctly (which I probably don't, because I was pissed) and involved "staying off the roads" to avoid detection, choosing farmer's fields instead.

In my drunken mind I was Frodo, heading to Mt Doom to destroy the one ring by drinking ALL THE BEERS. I was Willard, off to terminate the Kurtz that was my sobriety. In my head, I was carrying this thing across mountaintops and through canyons and jungles, in the kind of storm that would make Thor wince. This was definitely the most epic undertaking I had ever undertaken.

In actuality, I seem to remember spending about 20 minutes trying to lift it over a fence stile because my arms were knackered. Then I sat on it for a bit and had a rest.

Nevertheless, and spurred on by the thought of free booze and the best drunken story ever, I persevered and eventually got it through my front door. I then spent the next 20 minutes of so trying to lever the cap off it with a chisel.

Eventually it yielded, and I hoisted it onto my weary shoulders once again in order to partake of it's contents. I carefully (for which, read "clumsily") stood over the sink and poured it into a waiting pint glass.


It was full of fucking water.


In one of my other posts this week I mentioned meeting my girlfriend around this time. She worked in the pub I stole the keg from. The first time she came round to my house, she saw the keg (now with a cushion on it and being used as a stool,) and asked me if I had stolen it from her bar. Rather sheepishly I admitted that I had. I told her the story.

"Yeah, we used to fill them up with water before we'd send them back to the brewery. It was to stop dickheads from stealing them."




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( PMGT -Bacon., Wed 2 May 2012, 16:40, 5 replies)

haha!

(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Wed 2 May 2012, 16:54, closed)

good story
better than most ive read this week.

This shall win.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:30, closed)

Quality
You truly are/were a determined dickhead.
(FUXTIX Not my words, Carol, Wed 2 May 2012, 18:30, closed)

*click*
epic drunk logic!
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Wed 2 May 2012, 19:47, closed)

And until this day I thought periods were generally just burgundy...

(IdlePeAcEsign if trouble were my mistress, i'd send her to them, Thu 3 May 2012, 0:10, closed)