How to ruin a pub crawl
I was on a pub crawl in Leamington Spa, and had dropped behind to tie my shoelace. My friends rounded the corner, and next thing I knew 4 lads (and me being a not so tall girl) jumped on me, shoving me around, slapping me about and opening my bag. The took my wallet, but not my 120GB HDD or camera which were sitting right next to it...The rest of the pub crawl was spent on the phone cancelling my cards and getting a crime number.

The wallet was then found by a student at my uni and haned into my department secretary - minus cash, but with my drivers license and the like intact.
(paranoidblonde, Tue 20 Jun 2006, 11:17, Reply)

i was mugged for my handkerchief
in London many years ago, by a scruffy little orphan kid called Oliver.

So i tracked him down, rescued him from a life of crime and adopted him.

Buggered him senseless every night - that'll teach the poe faced little fucker to "ask for more".
(nappy rash, Tue 20 Jun 2006, 10:59, Reply)

Long-time lurker, first-time caller
I would love it if this story involved me dispensing Ong Bak-style justice to the evil-doers involved, but I was only 15 and so had to resort to using the awesome power of the British legal system instead.

Me and a mate went into McDonalds on the way home from school and as we sat so I could enjoy my nutritiuous meal we were acosted by some youths from a rival school. I saw them approaching and so put my Maccy D's bag on the floor under my chair. The lads the began the whole 'can you lend me a pound' routine that was so popular in the mid-90s and I rather foolishly produced my wallet hoping that a pound coin would my end my harrassment. Their magnificent leader snatched the wallet from my hand and rifled through it - finding about £3.85 in change. I had no credit cards in those days but I did have a BT Chargecard (for those unaware of these, back in the day before most 10 year olds carried telecommunications equipment that rival NASA, a chargecard was a phonecard that allowed you to charge any call to your home number by entering a code before dialling.)

My empty wallet was handed back to me and the youths departed. I reached down under my chair only to find that my delicious McDonalds had also been taken. Dejected and depressed, me and my mate left the establishment and went home - chalking the matter up to experience.

That evening, I was suprised to get a call from the local cop-shop.

Copper: "Do you own a BT Chargecard?"
Me: "Yes. Well, no. It was nicked this afternoon."
Copper: "Thought so. This kid we've just arrested said he found it in a phonebox but we knew he was lying."

The story happened thusly: These youths, no doubt hugely boosted by their successful raid on yours truly, had walked about 5 mins up the high street and robbed some other kid. Unfortunately, he had put up more resistance and had the living sh*t kicked out of him (that £3.85 it seems was money well spent.)

These lads had duly been arrested and found in their possesion was my chargecard (bearing my name) and a quick call to BT had yielded my details. A few hours later a very nice constable called at my house to take my statement. It seems that the lads could be charged with

a) Robbery (the fact that one of them physically took the wallet out of my hand technically constituted robbery - the dick);
b) Theft of possesions (the chargecard);
and my favourite, c) theft of groceries! (yes, that is a real crime - although he was probably doing me a favour by nicking my wholesome burger-based meal.)

I slept well that night in the knowledge that justice had triumphed over evil. (Although when I look back on it, it's very likely their time in Feltham Young Offenders Institute lead to my young assailants hardening into borderline-sociopathic career criminals who will now rob me as an adult using unnecessary levels of violence. But now I'm all grown-up I can easily dispense the aforementioned Ong-Bak retribution so it's not of great concern.)




No apologies - Surgically enhanced for both length, girth and performance.


*pop* - today I am a man.
(Chexworth will one day make Yoko Matsugane his bride..., Tue 20 Jun 2006, 10:49, Reply)

Ouch
Walking back home from the 192 stop in Stockport (avoiding getting mugged on the 192 is a result in itself...) I notice some no-neck mouthbreather was weaving his way towards me, muttering. I cross the road, he crosses as well. I was going to run but i was a little bit toasted and couldn't guarantee my legs would work in the right order.

I keep walking fast, hoping i can get past him before it gets edgy. He walks up to me, cracks the beer bottle he was carying on a wall and staggers a bit "need your money for a cab - give it me..."

So i pull myself up to my full height, and in my best and clearest voice say 'you better watch yourself'. "Why's that you student ponce, i'm going to fucking sl*.?"

That was the sound of him being winged by the taxi i was trying to warn him about, as he'd staggered into the road whilst trying to relieve me of my cash.

So I made sure he was ok, called an ambulance, and helped myself to his wallet as he was lying by the side of the road. And you know what? He didn't need my money for a cab, he had £50 on him, cnut. Paid for mine though.
(jeed, Tue 20 Jun 2006, 10:43, Reply)

Dr Congo
Not me but my boss...1969 he returns to shitcargo, USA after a three year tour of duty in the jungle of Doctor Congo (i think that must have been before he got his doctorate).
Anyway, Hes waiting at the station for his train, being 5'9" fella looking somewhat bedraggled he gains the unwanted attention of three "brothers" - they decide that he should give them whatever money he has - he thinks differently.
Obviously not realising that a soldier in transit is well within his rights to carry his firearms they didnt see the bulge of his assault rifle in his bag, or, evidently his service revolver holstered at his side.
To quote the man
"i pulled out my sidearm, pointed it straight at the one in the middle and told 'em. dead calm. You Futher muckers (this guy swears like a trooper - funny that) picked the wrong guy to Fuk with, ive just spent three years Killin your brothers in the jungle - I wont think twice about blowin you three away right here right now...so, any you wanna dance?"
I shit you not, this guy IS Harry Callahan in disguise. Needless to say they left him to his journey, probably shit emselves too.

No apologies for length or girth or lack thereof- it makes a change not to feel obliged.
(Name changer aka Mr E Mann, Tue 20 Jun 2006, 10:19, Reply)

Got mugged in Swansea Bus Station
which is right in the city centre, surrounded by 300 passers-by, all of which watched while saying the maximum of "Oh dear."

Me an two mates are walking to our bus aisle, when a gang of 10 youths walk past. The smallest of them walks into Jason, after Jason tried to avoid the kid and the kid re-alligned to deliberately walk into him. He apologises and we continue to our bus aisle, waiting patiently with the other passengers and think nothing of it.

A minute later the gang turn back up, accusing Jason of trying it on with the youngest of the group. He apologises again, and says he tried to avoid him etc. The accuser sits there listening, then quickly spins around and lamps Jason in the cheek, and start beating him to the floor. Me and Johnny were then surrounded by the rest of the group, who try to hit us. Johnny's visually impared (10% vision), but still manages to guard himself, and I block about 5 punches from a chav who realises that I'm not going hit him back and give 10 people an excuse to leather me. They failed to grab a bag off Jason then leggit out of the centre.

It's nice when you have about 200 witnesses who all stood there watching this btw. One granny walks upto me and says "Are you all ok?", with me and Johnny ok, but Jason bleeding on the floor. "Yeah, fucking A1 love" I say while laughing. I decided to get security (as I knew staff in Debinhams at the time) and we were escorted into the main security centre for the Quadrant. Tis a very odd office indeed, which overlooks the entire area. The police were called, and the group were caught trying to mug someone else about an hour later in St Helen's road.

Fucking chavs.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 20 Jun 2006, 10:14, Reply)

Got mugged this month, actually...
...by a big, surprisingly mean lad named Powergen. Turns out I owe him 700 quid on account of him quoting me a monthly payment amount when I moved in that was about half of what it should be. 18 months later, he brings the resulting deficit to my attention by mugging my fucking bank account for an extra 180 quid which, having already paid a mate 150 notes that I owe him, was pretty much the entirety of my fun cash for this month fucked right in the ear.

I've essentially had to kiss any and all nights out and a much-anticipated Aeon Flux cartoon boxset goodbye. I've also had to renege on my council tax* to get my mum a decent birthday present, which means I'm paying double next month. And finally, I've been out of hash for more than a week now and there's fuck-all I can do about it 'til payday. I'm not a happy chappie, can you tell?

Suffice to say, my direct debit has been given the elbow and I'll be paying manually from here on in - after this, they'll get what they're fucking well given. So Powergen, take your fast show bloke chill/zen-type marketing and shove it up your dad's arse. Cunt of a cunt's cunty cunt that y'are :/

* Always the first to get dropped when needs must - I resent that tap on my finances more than any other. If only they weren't fascist psychos, I'd vote BNP to get that bullshit abolished.
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Tue 20 Jun 2006, 9:01, Reply)

Potential!
Being a young boy of 12, I was full of importance and self-satisfaction at running my own garden maintenance service...

Anyway, one day in that year I was at the lights on my bike (lucky I wasn't on foot or on 'blades), standing there in typical bored pose waiting for them to change. I happened to be going the same way as the cars on the side of the road next to me, so when the lights changed they would go exactly the same way as I did.

Pulled up next to me were some young blokes who seemed extremely old but were probably only about 20 at the time (I can't remember how gangsterish they looked but I have no doubt they were 'hard'). I notice them doing what appears to be making fun of me and laughing. If you remember, I had an ego the size of a house and I wouldn't take it, so poked my tongue out at them in the sassiest way possible JUST as the lights changed (lucky!!).

The guy who was driving didn't see (and I dunno if I'd be here to tell the tale if he did) since he was taking off at the same time as I was but the passenger did. The moment he knew he screeched to a halt just up past the intersection and I immediately knew that I was in trouble (I had just crossed the road).

Deciding to turn left instead of going on ahead as an alternate route home downhill, I raced as quick as possible. As I turned the corner at the bottom I looked back and saw them still near the top of the hill, the dopey fools.

I then hid in a crescent off the main road in case they should come looking for me. So yeah, that was the time I was sassy and got away with it. I dunno if they would have gone beyond beating me up, but I sure as hell am glad I didn't get to find out... I couldn't get over how the light changed at just the right time though, otherwise they would have gotten out then and there and given me everything they had. It may even have developed into a kidnapping...
(satellite blows, Tue 20 Jun 2006, 8:29, Reply)

Walking back from a night out in Prague with a friend,
our chemically altered brains told us it was a good idea to walk straight through the worst area of the city. Some skinheads shouted at us from a bar as we passed and by the time the 'run' command filtered through to my legs it was too late and I was being held up against a wall by the neck of my jacket and having my pockets rummaged.
It was at this point, at 6am, that my phone started ringing. The mugger immediately went for the pocket it was in and attempted to get it out. I tried to show him he had to go 'down and round' a couple of times but just got punched in the face for my trouble. Eventually he managed to reach the thing and ran off back down the street.
If the phone hadn't rang he'd probably have gone for my other pocket, which had about 200 quid in it, rather than an ancient nokia, worth a tenner at best.
( Zuowan, Tue 20 Jun 2006, 6:52, Reply)

Panties and Catgirls, Yet Completely Unrelated
I was once mugged after school. All they took were my panties. DAMN PERVERTS.

On another note, I fell asleep at a convention and had my name badge taken. It wasn't much of a mugging, as they now had a bright pink minor's badge with a picture of a baby catgirl and the nickname 'Lieutenant Kinky'.
(Cyndia has shuriken in her pompoms, Tue 20 Jun 2006, 3:29, Reply)

not me, but

My friend is a peanut. And once he was assaulted.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 20 Jun 2006, 2:23, Reply)

Another story
I just nearly got mugged an hour ago.

Walking back from my friends, I spy a dodgy lookin' fella across the road. He stops, looks at me, looks around to make sure no-one is around, then starts crossing the road toward me.

A car comes down the street, so he stops, turns around, and goes back to his side of the street and carries on walking.

Car goes, he starts back after me. Another car comes, he turns around & starts walking away again.

At this poin I didn't check to see if he'd start walking back toward me after the car had gone.

I just legged it home. Took me about 2 minutes for a 10 minute journey.
(Xstopher, Tue 20 Jun 2006, 0:52, Reply)

Oh yes, I nearly forgot about this...
I don't think it counts as a mugging, but I was hungry...
In Newcastle, late one night, been paid £25 for selling merchandise, with a box of chips. A man accosted me and asked my name. Tell him. I couldn't exactly make out very well what he said next, but I think he asked for a chip. Bastard. I tentatively held out the box and he grabbed it and started stuffing his face. Fat bastard. It wasn't like he was a tramp either, he was smartly enough dressed. I eventually had to ask for it back. And then he wouldn't leave me alone after that either, until I said I had to go down that way to get picked up.
I don't suppose the short skirt and big coat helped, but hell, it was cold and I'd left the house in a hurry. And why do I always get the old men?!
Moral of the story? Don't steal my fucking chips.
(and now for someone completely different, Tue 20 Jun 2006, 0:34, Reply)

Never been mugged but
some guy once touched my boob while I was walking down Wakefield Westgate...

Does that count?
(Kazza , loathing myself so you don't have to, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 23:37, Reply)

you
idiot.
(jade, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 23:12, Reply)

Tracking the stolen money
Once while walking back from school a man appears with a story. A bookkeeper from his company has been mugged yesterday, she has been hit on head, lots of money and a cell phone stolen. They're trying to find the fucker to brek his legs. Apparently I fit the description.
To find it out I have to give them my phone to check, which is not unusual. The interesting part starts when the guy reveals that the stolen money was marked as incasso money and even if I put it in bank and then cash out, the mettalic belt on banknote will be marked. Thus I have to cash out from ATM and give them the money to verify.
I did. I waited the guy to return with "we checked, you're not the yesterday's attacker" and give me back my phone and money. Waited for about three hours. He didn't come.

I have got a new phone, much more money and grief since then. Yeah and I doubt a little that banknotes carry any information on their metallic belts, but if I ever meet the guy again I'll ask.
( Mr. Bell Division, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 23:09, Reply)

Ahem
I know my tormentor, the bastard, he takes a big wedge of my cash every hour of every day - I've tried reporting him, but the police can't do anything about it.

So if you see an odd annoying scottish guy called Gordon Brown, then beware.

No, I'm not sorry and yes, it is that big.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 21:52, Reply)

Charmed, I'm sure.
My cousin was minding his own business at Kingston station, when 2 ne'er do wells came along and robbed him of the new tennis racket he'd just bought.

They whacked him with it a few times, just to add insult to injury.

Or should that be the other way around......?
(Kit-Koo, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 21:46, Reply)

so much for doing good...
came out of a pub in a slightly dodgy area of bristol one sunday night. had been in there all of 5 mins returning a pair of glasses i'd accidentally picked up the previous night.

i start walking home
- i hear two guys coming up behind me

i carry on walking
- they're walking faster than me, and talking loudly about some crap or other

i carry on walking
- they start to pass me, except they're going past one on either side

alarm bells start to ring
- at that moment, one hits me across the throat with his arm and the other pushes me onto the floor

i stay still, stunned, trying to breathe and trying to speak
- they go through my pockets and run off


very professionally done - i didn't even see their faces.
taught me the element of surprise counts a lot more than any skills in martial arts i may have.
(fay, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 21:44, Reply)

...Mugged You Say
Used to work for a delivery firm (won't say which one) *cough*RoyalMAIL!*endcough* and I left the van door open like a dick. Went round the back of a house in chapeltown in leeds to deliver a parcel and came back round, some fuckers were hanging out the front of my van trying to rob the radio (to be honest if they had asked me nicely I would have just given it to them). They scooted off and I had a look around, the 27p in the ashtray was gone and so was one of the winding handles for the window, a bag of parcels (far too much paperwork if you ever get mail in your custordy stolen, partly why i quit) and my insulated mug. Technically a mugging! and it had a half mug of nescafe in it... Bastards!
(iydlibm ...If I Am Online Here, I Am Definatly Bored..., Mon 19 Jun 2006, 21:13, Reply)

'I Thought he was a Fag!'
So my brother, a burly 5'7" tall and about the same of pure muscle wide at the time, is coming home from a drunken night out with his rubgy team all on his onesies. The theme for this piss-up? Gay night.
So this full-back, wearing a suit resplendant with a luminesant pink tie and moave shirt, is staggering home when two guys jump him. Did I mention my brother was training for the marines? Well he was, and in signing up he showed he was ever so slightly tapped.
After throwing one of his would be muggers over a nearby wall, he performs a 'citizens arrest' hold on the other one till the coppers turn up.
Skip forwards to the trial about 3 months later, the guy they caught in the dock gets sent down. His only comment? 'I reckoned I could take him, I thought that fucker was a puff!'
( Pointy Head poked another hole in my anorak on, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 21:07, Reply)

.
I'm gonna mug you

A less cynical QOTW this week please?
( Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Mon 19 Jun 2006, 20:08, Reply)

Some years ago, when I was but a young 'un,
Was walking home from school, listening to Walkman, a couple of chav types ride up to me on their bikes (except there was no such thing as chavs then, this is back in the days when we used to call them 'casuals').

The lead 'casual' starts spinning some story about how the headphones on his steroe are broken and can he try mine to make sure it's working. Obviously, I didn't have much option as I was wedged in between a wall and two muggers, both larger than me and on bikes, so I handed over the headphones. At this point, the muggers start to ride off and I foolishly decide that I'm going to try to get the headphones back.

Cue beating.

Bear in mind that this was on a busy road with plenty of traffic going past but not one of the bastards even stops. After what felt like a long time but was probably only a minute or two, another guy on a bike stops and chases the little fuckers off.

Anyway, the thing that really gets me was the fact that they stole a pair of broken headphones - the things were held together with a sticky label because when they got broken, I had no tape to hand!

Fast forward an hour or so, and the police turn up to take a statement so I go through describing what happened to them, at which point, one asks whether they gave me the rather nasty looking cut on my face. I then have to explain that this actually had happened the day before, when my seventeen year old had sister stabbed me in the face with a sharpened piece of broken-off protractor, in one of her semi-regular attempts at foreshortening my life. You couldn't script stuff like that...
( TunaBoy should be old enough to know better by now, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 20:03, Reply)

My own fault, not really even a mugging and I can hardly expect any sympathy
I'm living in south-east Holland, I don't really know anyone, but I live in a city centre so I quite often go out and get plastered on my own. Started talking to a bloke in a bar one night after drinking too many beers and vodka Red Bulls, who said he was a coke dealer hailing from the Czech Republic.

Hadn't touched any for a couple of years so thought what the hell, I've just been paid and it's much cheaper than in England so I'll get myself a gram to cheer myself up. He said he had to go and get it from his supplier, so he made a couple of phone calls and we walked up the street together to get it. Noticed he was walking with a pronounced limp, I didn't make any comment but without prompting he said "Don't say anything about the way I walk! I don't like it and I hurt you bad if you do!!! And if you tell somebody I am dealer, I find you and I kill you!!!".

That should really have set the alarm bells ringing but I was a bit fucked so I just told him to chill out. We reached the corner of the street and he got me to give him the 50 euro cash (d'oh!), at which point he legged it to the nearest bike ("it's a miracle!") and cycled off like Chris Boardman.

Twunt. Just say no, kids.
(trashbat, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 19:39, Reply)

Not o much a mugging but GBH...
...My girlfriend and my sister walking back from teh shops yesterday and some kosovan gays guys decided to touch my girlfriend.

My girlfriend being the dramatic type said aloud and high pitched "OMG" to which they laughed and decided to touch her some more round her legs...

Unlucky for those guys she was 3 steps from where she was heading...my house and stepped in as they wandered off.

She said to me "they just touched me" in a slight sob!

I went out and ran up to them saying "oit" in my best hardman voice...





........"They had a baseball bat Hannah!"

I got well and truly FUCKED!
( Supersam11 Can I go on the slides please?, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 19:15, Reply)

A few years back
A group of friends and I regularly used to drink in a pub in Kentish Town (Jorene Celeste, home of the very first b3ta bash).

Mate of mine from the Midlands had come down to visit on the occasion of his 18th birthday, and after drinking a bottle of white wine very quickly, staggered off out to Camden with the aim of scoring some pills, weed, coke, or anything remotely pharmaceutical.

About an hour later, he turned up again, looking rather beaten up, skint, and without any drugs. He couldn't really remember much in the way of details aside from the fact he'd followed a couple of blokes down an alley to buy from them.

I don't really think being pissed up, male, about 6'8" tall, and wearing a Chinese Dress & full make-up helped his cause much. Wearing a sign which just read "EASY FUCKING TARGET" probably would have been less conspicuous.


On a separate note, I did get mugged on the way back from that first b3ta bash. After drinking far too much, not eating, and going the wrong way on the Northern Line from Kentish Town, I embarked on a passed-out magical mystery tour which involved Finchley Central, Nightbuses, Broken Office chairs in Trafalgar Square, and and cumulated in me being passed out on the Nightbus back to Grove Park in SE London.

Somewhere near Catford a group of pot-smoking wideboys on the bus relieved me of my work phone whilst I was slumped out. I came to with one of them with his hand in my coat pocket trying to nick my wallet. I just grinned up and him, and chirpily slurred "Hello" to him. He just said, "Ah...", put the wallet back and just got off the bus.

It took me the best part of 6 hours to get home. At least they never noticed the Camera and PDA in my other pocket.

From this, I can only assume that in the right circumstances, being unexpectedly pleasant to a mugger or pickpocket can have the desired results of keeping most of your stuff.
(Glis, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 17:26, Reply)

"I'm over 6 foot and frown..."
You lot make me fucking piss myself laughing, you deluded fucks*!

Keep it up!

FYI, I'm 5 foot 10, smile like a cheshire cat and I too have never been mugged... so it's not becuase you're Jabbas cousin, it's because muggings only happen to school kids, and hopefully students**. And Grab-and-runs don't count either...

*except the chap below, that was actual comedy funny :0)

**apologies to the folks who have been seriously mugged though... the cunts will get their just rewards. Karma, innit.
(The Splendid Oaf, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 17:21, Reply)

Anyone else scared?
I'm never going to sleep a wink. ever again. I'm taking a screw driver home with me tonight in my pocket! I've never had any trouble like, i am 6' and 20 stone and frown alot, could that have owt to do with it?

Why do wino's and scallies always want "35p for the bus?" - i always tell them to fuck off - are they instigating a mugging? God, next time anyone speaks to me in the street they're going to get a Philips posidriver in the eye!
(TheManofScience, Mon 19 Jun 2006, 16:55, Reply)