I have to say after years of experience....
.. there's no porn like scat porn.

In fact my love of it is what forced me to choose my current place of work, where I am crapped on on a daily basis.
(LunarJim, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 11:38, Reply)

PJM
All depends on whether she was a Shit-Loving lesbian, or a dog.
You're going to have to help me out here.
(LunarJim, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 11:35, Reply)

PJM and The Goat
I've only been here a very few days, and already you're trying to lead me astray? Shame on you!

But yes - she's a brunette, long straight shiny hair, and fairly dark skin. I'm a curly girly, blonde, with fair skin.

Happy now?
(Flutterby doesn't give a damn about her reputation, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 11:32, Reply)

CSI
CSI: Las Vegas was on the TV this morning when I was getting out of bed. Two of the characters were out in the desert investigating a crime scene, when they found a porn magazine. One of the characters remarked something along the lines of "Every time I go out to the desert I always find porn." It made me think of this QOTW.
(racetraitor has an alibi for, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 11:29, Reply)

I was in a Danish shop which specialised in Gentlemen's Art Pamphlets
And I found an interesting periodical called "Lesbian Shit-Loving Fisters in Treacle with Dogs".

I was tempted to buy it for the flight home.
(LunarJim, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 11:16, Reply)

I've never seen porn ...
... cos I'm as good as the people who answered this survey
www.theregister.co.uk/2005/04/20/uk_teens_avoid_smut/
(Biff..., Tue 30 Jan 2007, 10:48, Reply)

The naughty dot-to-dot book
in my mother's bedside drawer.

*shudders*
( DeSpong currently knitting your suggestions - see profile, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 10:38, Reply)

just a request...
...I think Flutterby's story below demands further elaboration...for narrative purposes... and to develop the structuralist linguistics Ferdinand de Saussure refered to as 'essential' to all good story telling...
(The Goat www.cuttingthroughthematrix.com, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 10:28, Reply)

First Lesbian Experience
I have absolutely no idea how old I was, but both I and my precocious friend were quite little.
She showed me her father's rudey magazines - nothing special, though I seem to remember them being rather arty and golden-hued.
Then she decided we should imitate them, with her being the "boy"......

First post, woohoo! As for length - well, with two girls, what do you expect?
(Flutterby doesn't give a damn about her reputation, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 10:21, Reply)

Everyone has one of these, right?
One night I had to watch supernatural in my parents bedroom since they were watching the Oscars on the big TV. And it seems I accidentally sat on the remote, producing two effects: firstly, to tint everything green, and secondly... to press the play button.

...you can see where this is heading can't you...

Well, what do you think I am confronted by but a pair of giant, wobbling, GREEN buttocks separated by a thong that vaguely resembles Conan The Barbarian's loincloth.

Ass: *waves leetle flag*
Maggie: ...
Ass: *wobbles in an extremely disturbing and illogical fashion, suggesting seismic disturbances beneath the surface*
Maggie: WTF, mate?
Camera: *zooms out to semi-naked green chick*
Chick: *removes thong*
Maggie: *pwned*
Pron: Mine is an evil laugh!
Maggie: Watching Supernatural now. THIS NEVER HAPPENED.
Supernatural: *also green, but somewhat less ass, although given the hotness of the main characters I really wouldn't mind*

Final score: "Ass 3" one, Maggie nil. SPN serves oranges at half time.

I'd apologise for length, but at least it was a girl...
(Lieutenant Colonel Oblivious brought to you by intravenous sugar, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 8:51, Reply)

Prep School Porn
As a classically educated child, my first experience of Porn was being buggared senseless by Potter-Minor in the dorm at Charterhouse.

Couldnt sit down for 2 days, had to do history prep standing up with a cold flannel clasped between my buttocks.

But it's something to tell my children about.
(LunarJim, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 8:26, Reply)

ladies!
want to simulate the 'porn experience' for your man?

i) paint yourself orange.
ii) get him to punch you really hard in the mouth. This will both give you the proper mental attitude, and cause your lips to swell up in an erotic manner.
iii) put two lumps of plastic down your top. Make sure they're big, because big lumps of hard plastic are erotic, whereas small hard lumps of plastic obviously aren't.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 6:45, Reply)

Oddly enough, the exact same answer from the "intense friendships" QOTW
When I was little, my two best friends were the girls who lived next door to my building, Eileen and Melanie. Eileen could be kind of immature and her sister was the nose-picking minger type, but in general she and her family were pretty normal. Melanie, however, was a different story. Her family was utterly mental. I lost track of how they were all related because everyone was a half- or step- sibling, parents were on their third marriage each, all that good chav stuff from before chavs were chavs. We did a lot of explaining to the police during the years her family lived next to ours, as people who made complaints sometimes got confused as to the source of the disorder. "No, it's them next door, really...REALLY."

Anyway, Melanie's parents were always doing stupid things like going to Spain on holiday and leaving her and one step-sister, who was maybe 13, home on their own for a week. In general they lived without much supervision...so in retrospect it shouldn't have been too big a shock when one day Eileen and I were at her flat and she brought out the porno mags her dad kept under his bed.

We were little. I mean, like maybe 8 years old at most. We had never seen anything like it before, and Eileen and I were kind of bewildered. Melanie's dad seemed a bit weird to us, but not to Mel, who suggested we copy the poses of the pretty (albeit naked) ladies in the magazines.

Eileen and I were not keen.

Mel, however, was extremely enthusiastic and started showing us what she meant.

Eileen and I got out of there PRONTO. She told her parents, who were very Christian types, and they gave Mel's dad hell as soon as he came back from wherever he spent his time when he should have been parenting a bunch of daughters. Though in retrospect, maybe it's a good thing he wasn't around more often...

BEFORE YOU GET ALL EXCITED...I'm a girl. Hmmm. Guess you won't be too keen on clicking "I like this" now that you know I wasn't a wee pervert...
( KersaI Missive Free Michael Shields! with Monday's Liverpool Echo, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 4:37, Reply)

...delicately prises apart the relevant, sticky pages of life story...
First experience of proper pr0n, which I now realise was/is tame, was a mates copy of Club. I guess I'd have been about 13, he was 12. TO this day it holds a place above others in the old-media world of the jazz mag. Although I didn't understand a good many of the words I still enjoyed the stories loooong into the night after he'd gone to sleep.

I also recall cutting out all the lingerie pages of the Kays, Littlewoods and Freemans catalogues that were for some reason hoarded in the Home Economics rooms at my particular Ipswich comp. We stapled them together to make a truely authoritative directory of all things lacy and then proceeded to hide it under the material scraps in the store cupboard, which I guess was great practice for the life or death subterfuge that would follow.
(Jibber Jabba The Hutt, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 1:36, Reply)

My first experience of porn
was in year 7. The dyslexic kid in my class taught me how to play chess.
( FreudianSlap, Tue 30 Jan 2007, 1:35, Reply)

My first experience with porn and my first understanding of porn.
Traditional responses bore me, so here are my first endeavors in a haiku.

Daddy was wanking.
To the basement I spring.
"What's that on the telly?"

Porn, on my mind fresh!
Aroused, look, what delightful flesh!
Dad's secret stash was found!

Furious rubbing,
My equivalent scrubbing,
"Sex, this is," I thought.

Fast forward two years,
A young boy aged ten appears,
Sibling's health book found.

"What's this," the boy cries.
"What's this gash between her thighs?"
Childhood paradigm shattered.

Sudden thoughts discover truth!
In lesbian porn, you see,
Tab A avoids Slot B.
(I like you much more than this telephone pole. But not as much as this frying pan., Tue 30 Jan 2007, 0:34, Reply)

Remeber the Dreamcast?
It had internet! I used that to look at all the lovely porn sites I couldn't look at on the PC. Not much of an answer but it was certainly worth mentioning the advantages of instantly cutting the power when someone came in to make it look like you were just changing discs.
( Flowers the little boy that santa claus forgot, Mon 29 Jan 2007, 23:28, Reply)

/unlurk/
Not the first experience by a long chalk, but when in France on a work secondment, I had cause to learn how to drive a forklift truck. The instructor was a large, friendly chap called Alexis, who spoke no English. Two of us on the course spoke minimal French.

Basically, after about four hours working out what he meant by looking at the pictures in the manual, we stopped for lunch.

At which point, being the official French authority representative, in our workplace, tasked with ensuring we could safely drive a ton of metal capable of lifting a car, he proceeded to show us a fine selection of attractive blondes in highly compromising positions.

On his government-issued , French HSE-equivalent laptop.

Yes, they really are all like that.

(I'd have answered the question but it was the usual binbag under a hedge.)

/lurks back up again/
( wynoh kills threads by his mere presence, Mon 29 Jan 2007, 22:53, Reply)

Amsterdam
Three guys from my 6th form went to Amsterdam this weekend. After having some hash brownies they found themselves in a sex show. After seeing the usual blowjobs and bumming etc one of them got dragged up onto stage as a "volunteer"! He then had to whip a woman before he was stripped naked in front of his 2 friends and about thirty other people. He had to take all the girls clothes off before having his head shoved into her tits!
(vibrating tuna, Mon 29 Jan 2007, 22:32, Reply)

Signs of the times?
Being older (probably) than most of you lot my first experience of porn was positively ancient. In essence it was the random trawl through the old man's sock drawer which produced a Penthouse and a Mayfair. (I often wonder why I was looking there, and indeed what I hoped to find? Maybe there's just some switch in a pubescent lads head that clicks at age 13 and tells you to search your dad's sock drawer?)
Anyway, I was of course completely shocked and traumatised and instantly turned teh gay, though got better ten minutes later.
But now it has imprinted on me so that all pron must resemble supposedly 'classy' 70's pron. So much hairiness and all models to wear stockings and suspenders at all times. I think you can accurately 'age' a man by his preferences in Porno. If there's stockings involved he's over thirty. I know a feller who has a real thing for a seriously furry muff, also dating from a similar time.

Apologise for the length or girth? I've never had a complaint before, so why start now.
(Mr Steve is jobless and fancyfree!, Mon 29 Jan 2007, 22:15, Reply)

Found one of my dads spank mags when I was 10
it was some S&M light bondage shit. Bear in mind I am 10, I find this, show my older sister in a "What the fuck is this shit?" type style. Only for her to tell my mum.
My mum treats it as if i have gone out and purchased said magazine.
I WAS FUCKING 10!!
what did she think happened?
[ten year old boy walks into a shop with fake moustache on]

Boy:"Excuse me mr shop keeper I'd like your finest S&M light bondage magazine please"
SK:"Arn't you a little young to purchase this?"
Boy:"I'm a dwarf thank you very much, you fucking racist"
SK:"Uh uh uh here no charge"

Length? None it was a fanny fest
( Laird Dave Draws Now charges to take off his clothes., Mon 29 Jan 2007, 20:52, Reply)

They're all fake...fake I tells ya...
Aged 9, me and the 'rents went to Holland. I'm not sure if my first experience of pron was the tour round the district, or flicking the channels in the hotel and landing on channel 32, the Dutch naughty channel. I was shocked. Their daytime TV consisted of a gym-full of merrily humping gangbangers..This was not what shocked me though. It was the blokes' willies. The looked far too big, rigid, plastic-set. My willy never looked like that, they must be prosthetic. I cried shenannigans. Fakery. I called my parents over to exclaim how all this porn was fake. Just like all the gutspill in Casualty, evidently there was a schlong special effects artist making a huge income from all this.

I should have guessed from my dad's reaction - "leave it on son, and go play outside," that I was wrong, but it took a huge trumpeting on the dawn horn a year or so later to realise the foolish innocence of youth.

Length? it's all fake.
(mochyn, Mon 29 Jan 2007, 18:50, Reply)

Spanish tyre porn
I was at a friend's house and we were climbing over the cupboards in his garage, as you do, and we found some dusty old magazines.

They were full of naked cartoon people sitting on piles of tyres and occassionally using fig leaves to cover their genitals.

All the writing was in Spanish, so, being 8 years old and a bit dim, we took them to his mother to see if she would tell us what it was about.

They were confiscated and we were banned from the garage, which makes me wonder what else was in there worth finding.
( John Barrowman's laminated buttocks, Mon 29 Jan 2007, 17:36, Reply)

about a year ago
with the infamous bedsh1tter, who betrayed his german roots by getting ludicrously overexcited at the sight of some badly shaven (i mean, you could see the swollen red rash!) thing bouncing around some other badly shaven dyed ginger thing with a buttplug.

but sadly what was it that was doing it for him? the lesbians? the t & a? the moaning and groaning and sweating onscreen?

nope. it was the butt. plug. oh yes, guess what i was despatched to buy, and then requested to oil and slide lovingly where the sun has never, ever, ever shone?

still, it was better than the occasion a couple of weeks later when he insisted i use my silver straw to blow some marching powder up there.............................

you couldn't make this stuff up.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 29 Jan 2007, 17:16, Reply)