Excalibur
Ok - this is an odd one that I've just remembered.

At the evil nun school we were allowed to watch the film "Excalibur". At least I think that's what it was called.

Anyway there was, at one point, a man and a woman doing odd things to each other that we just didn't understand - there was noise and screaming.

The nuns fast forwarded it. But they didn't hurry about it.....

Size? We both know it's size - I mean, you're the one that can't sit down ;-)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 14:40, Reply)

Sex Pistols.........
Being the ripe age of 8 or 9, getting into music, the first record I ever bought was 'Something Else' by the Sex Pistols - I thought it was a great record, so off i went to the shop and bought it with my saved up pocket money, came home and played it on the gramaphone - My mum however, knowing more than me about the whole punk thing due to mass hysteria media coverage, thought it might prudent to play the b-side, as it was a little ditty titled 'Friggin' In The Riggin'. Cue motherly mass hysteria 'If I ever hear you play that again...... etc etc - can't remember the threats - but it got me thinking 'what do all those words mean' - if you've heard the record, you'll know it's about as filthy a song as you can get. So off i trot to the record shop to check out other Sex Pistols releases - and lo and behold there was a double album 'The Great Rock 'n' Roll Swindle, which inside the gatefold sleeve was a picture of a naked girl, then it hits me - when i grow up i wanna be a punk! - Thanks mum for introducing me to porn and punk, I doubt i would have ever played the b-side without her asking - Oh yes, she also found a nudie mag I returned home from cub scouts with a few weeks later, but no threats this time - go figure...................

I'm new, my first post - apologies for length, but it was a double album
(moriarty, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 14:18, Reply)

Sex education
My first pr0n-esque experience was at the age of 10 when our primary school teacher (who was also the headmaster) took it unpon himself to give us sex education. Rather than the standard "Daddy gives mummy a special cuddle etc" he went into extreme graphic detail and even told us all what an orgasm feels like (a tingle all over your body apparantly).

I recall us all looking at him thinking WTF? or at least the equivalent for a 10 year old in the 80's.

I am fairly sure we weren't actually supposed to learn all that at that age. If it happened now days, I'm sure the Daily Mail would be a right old tizzy about it.

Still it was in Devon. I'm surprised he didn't get his sister in for a demo!
(Tom Jones's Mojo Hasn't had any since, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 13:55, Reply)

Kids are Weird
Kids' attitudes towards sex-associated things are quite strange in retrospect. When we learned the basics at about 8 through the medium of cartoon flip-chart books, everyone went 'eeeeeeeeeeeuuuwww!'. Yet when I was one of the first in my class to develop boobs I suddenly shot up in popularity. The girls used to gather in the changing rooms when we went swimming and compare. That combined with later going to an all-girls high school, it's a wonder I didn't turn out a lesbian...
(clumsyeloquence is a girl, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 13:20, Reply)

'Living and Growing/Where Did I Come From?'...
...holy shit I think I saw that in school too, or one very much like it, but I couldn't have been older than 8 at the time. Far too early IMHO to do anything with the info but giggle and go 'ewwwww', then tease the girls about vaginas afterward, whereupon they would tease us about man-bits in turn - we had few new words to play with that day.

It was all there though - the mercilessly un-edited coverage of a real birth etc. I remember when it was illustrating the act of procreation itself with a hollywood movie-esque sex scene, they put in footage from a camera strapped to a man's little soldier whilst he was getting some and we were treated to an internal view of the white wee strokes when the appropriate moment, er, came.

Looking at my first post in this Q, it's fairly obvious that I didn't take a scrap of it in - hey, I was 8. What I do remember very clearly though is our class teacher's reaction, whom I realise with hidsight was as gay as a spring morning. The look on his face was a mixture of acute embarassment and utter disgust, especially during the birth part - the poor guy looked ready to throw up :)
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 11:59, Reply)

Monastic video
I attended a monastic school. The video we saw was heavily sanitised. Both of the participants were committed christians, married and determined not to have an orgasm (since procreation is the aim, not pleasure).

Our childish minds were also confused by the fact that the couple had chosen to rut in complete darkness. And silence. To be honest, I think the monks didn't even turn the TV on.

Still, I had a wank about it later.
(frankspencer, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 11:42, Reply)

Educational videos
La fluffles' post reminded me of being made to watch "Living and Growing" at the tender age of ten (when at least one girl in the class was wearing bras and I'd been leafing through my bro's bongo mags for two years - and I was the backward member of the class).

The last episode held back very little in the gore department, as a hyperventilating woman heaved out something purple, blobby and covered in goo.

It's enough to scar anyone for life.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 1 Feb 2007, 11:40, Reply)

Where did I come from?
Not sure if I've seen that exact one, but we were shown loads of similar videos in "health education" and they're all the same.

* Both partners smile beatifically throughout. No place for vinegar-strokes gurning here.

* They're doing it to make a baby. Obviously.

* The woman has only one leg so that you can see what's going on.

I learned way more from Eurotrash than from any of this shit.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 11:32, Reply)

sneezes
When I sneeze, I often let forth a jet of mucal matter. I think we're on to something here ...
(frankspencer, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 11:21, Reply)

orgasm definition
I think the video you're talking about is 'Where Did I Come From', which from memory does indeed describe an orgasm as similar to a sneeze, 'but much nicer'.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 11:14, Reply)

farts
Let me tell you, I 've done farts that have been seen from space. Nacho cheese tortillas are the worst. I once burned my arse after a eating a bag of those.
(frankspencer, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 10:53, Reply)

"an orgasm is a warm, tingly feeling that goes over the whole body."...
...I was thinking that's more like a sneeze - and really Frank, what do you eat? :) His description of an orgasm is spot-on though - couldn't have put it better myself :)
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 10:47, Reply)

frankspencer
i'm more concerned at your description of farting. what the hell do you eat?!

EDIT: seriously. SO sorry i asked.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 10:37, Reply)

I went to Leeds College of Music
And they had Jazz Mags in the library.
( FlexAlux laughed at something inappropriate on, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 10:23, Reply)

"an orgasm is a warm, tingly feeling that goes over the whole body."
Is it? That sounds more like a fart to me. An orgasm is surely a rictus-inducing momentary paralysis of ultimate self-negation and oblivion, dredging up explosions from the depths of one's primeval caverns. Or maybe I'm doing it wrong.
(frankspencer, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 9:20, Reply)

Love eggs, over easy
I was 8 and rooting through the bottom of my parents' wardrobe whilst they were out ( as you do ) when I came across a huge stash of 70's hardcore and and assortment of sex aids.

To this day I don't know whether that's what traumatised me for life, or the fact that 15 minutes later I discovered the joy of masturbation.

Forum virgin, be gentle with me.

Apologies for lack of penis.
(DSB, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 8:48, Reply)

"....and ACTION!"
Said the bloke behind the desk and all of a sudden I was in a porn film.

I'd answered a small ad in a magazine to work in adult films. I thought it would be a laugh and a good way to meet new people [and fuck them].

Out of the five guys who turned up I was the only one who could get a hard on and perform in the audition when the fat bloke pointed at the naked actress in his office and said "Okay son, fuck her!"

I made more than 10 films :)
(Cane: I love Sushi, Sobriety & Shotokan, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 8:36, Reply)

This CD doesn't look very burnt to me!
My first introduction to pornography was not in the form a pile of Swedish wank mags that somehow found their way under a hedge. No, my first introduction was far less erotic, involved more '80s computer games and was far stupider.

Now, my shady primary school friend (let's call him Martin) and his even shadier father (who liked to chase his son around with a can of WD-40 and a lighter, laughing all the while, but that's a story for a whole other b3ta thread) had assembled a burnt CD of assorted warez games.

This was about 1996, back when having a CD burner made you look hardcore. Martin came to school one day with a CD. This wasn't anything out of the ordinary, we were always bringing our PC games to school to exchange with our mates. "I'll give you 'Red Alert' if you let me borrow 'Sim City 2000'!" That sort of thing.

But this CD was different. "This...is a burnt CD. It's got every game you could ever want on it," Martin told me. I took a look at the CD, turning it over in my hands. I thought to myself that it didn't look very burnt; there wasn't a single mark on it. For some reason I thought maybe this meant Martin was cheating me, maybe it's the fire that lets these special CDs hold so much (I was seven at the time, we're allowed to be idiots when we're seven). Had Martin just given me a normal CD? I'd soon find out.

I took the CD home after school. I'd hidden it at the bottom of my bag, and conducted the journey home with the sort of paranoia and secrecy usually reserved for international drug smugglers. I put the special CD into my relatively new CD-ROM drive. It was 2x or something, one of the really old ones. I opened it up in my brand spanking new copy of Windows 95, and found all these folders. Martin had been right. An amazing selection of games.

One of them was "Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards". I'd heard vague bits and pieces about it as a result of playing other Sierra adventure games; "Space Quest" being my favourite series at the time. So, naturally, my inquisitive mind caused me to play the game. It seemed pretty boring at the time. I mean, first of all, it was made in 198-fucking-7, so naturally the graphics were hilariously bad. I lead Larry around, carrying filthy, evil tasks. It seemed to involve a lot of softcore porn and attempts at seducing women. This wasn't at all titillating at the time, indeed, I had no idea I was being a perv. It was just what the game had you do.

Then, during a rather steamy scene where Larry is in a bedroom with a prostitute who's taking her clothes off (or something along those lines, it was over ten years ago), my mum walks in. She stands there, horrified. All I can muster is a guilty sounding "err...".

I then proceeded to get "the talk" from her. And that's my dull and laughable story.
(Zaarin is on board the last train to Transcentral, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 8:00, Reply)

Good god.....
Obligitory post.

Being a lucky bastard at 12, my father bought a sky box and unwilling (read "cheap) to fork out for a sky card, obtained a "chipped" card for all the channels.

3 weeks after my 13th birthday, Mother kicks out aforementioned father (hence known as prick) for marital infidelities. Mother gets job working in a taxi rank on night shift. On one friday, had said bye to mother as she left at half 7, saying how a family friend wanted father's collection of boat maintenance magazines as prick sold his trawler to friend.

Dug out said mags and a little brown cardboard box caught my attention. Escort was first, oh says I, got some good stuff here. Foxey Lady was next. An introduction to the pleasures of the flesh by the goddess that is Teresa Orlowski. Bonus. hten the books that made my eyes pop out. Imagine if you will a readers digest sized book as thick as the guinness book of records and stuffed to the gills with top-notch dutch hardcore porn. Blood rushing south ensured I needed a sit down to stop my head spinning. Returned to the house, started channel hopping and found.... German late night porn programmes.

Heaven for a 13 yr old.

Recently found a copy of my 1st Foxey Lady on the web for sale. :)
( Spider Fucking Riviera got stiches for a knife wound for the first time, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 6:40, Reply)

Page 3
I got off with a rather mental, but stunningly attractive 19 year old Mexican-American model with the greatest breasts I have ever seen, or ever will. She showed me pictures from a shoot she did in the snow, wearing nowt but a fur coat and Fuck Me Boots.

We drank a lot of tequila that night and Little Mr Coke wouldnt come out to play despite a lot of effort.

That was about 8 years ago. You have to understand that since then, my major wank fantasy is about a night that actually happened, only didn't.

So "my first experience of a porn" star (ok topless model) was spending the night with her, naked, and not being able to get it up. I also haven't forgotten her sneaking out in the morning without saying a word, and without looking back.

One day I'll look back and laugh. One day.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 1 Feb 2007, 1:31, Reply)

long time ago
I would have been about 10 or so and i came into the possesion of a hard core mag,being of such tender years i knew not what it was really about but upon discovery by my dad he burned it in a iron bucket in our back yard.

These days i have such a vivid imagination i dont need scud mags or films : )
(shug, Wed 31 Jan 2007, 23:12, Reply)

Innocently looking up Backstreet Boys websites...
At a public library. I hadn't discovered Google, or any form of search engine at that time, so my "searching" involved me taking pot shots at what a site's address would be.

www.Backstreetboys.com - Nothing. Hmm, let's break down the name then.

www.Backstreet.com - Nothing.

www.Boys.com - BINGO! A wonderful not-so-little free gay website, filled to the brim with men in what can only be described as "interesting" poses.

Because it was a library computer I was viewing it on, it ran a little slow. It went even slower when trying to get the fuck off a gay porn website. Librarian pokes her head around the corner to see why my little face had gone ghost-white.

I've been banned from that library for eight years now.
(EasilyRecognisable I’m back baby, Wed 31 Jan 2007, 23:02, Reply)

My Uncle is Dutch...
.. I stayed at his place one school holiday when satellite TV was still in its infancy.

"Watch what you like" he laughed as he left the house to go and take drugs in a corner café with naked girls who inserted bananas into their vulvas.

So the first channel I switched on presented me with what looked like a close up of a Mars bar with all the chocolate picked off..

How strange, I thought, especially as this scene was accompanied by lots of straining and grunting noises...

It was only when the Mars bar seemed to fall out of whatever was suspending it in space,and the camera panned out that I realised it was a rather large turd that I had been looking at, hanging out of the arse of a German man, and he had just deposited it into the mouth of a, supposedly, German woman, who seemed quite pleased to find it there.

Other channels were showing Hogtying, Rimming, Felching and Golden Showers.

My Uncle returned in the afternoon to find me enjoying the Matinée film "Roy's Nut Hang, (Extreme Male Genital Torture)", which as I remember was a real tear jerker.
(LunarJim, Wed 31 Jan 2007, 22:58, Reply)

Eurotrash

( WormuIus, Wed 31 Jan 2007, 22:53, Reply)

Like many girls
probably Forever by Judy Blume after that it would've been a case of good old analogue Sky I think.
( moogy boobles, Wed 31 Jan 2007, 22:52, Reply)

The five-minute freeview
My first experience of porn was at the age of about 11, when my Grandparents got Sky (proper old sky, with scrambled channels and VOX). I stayed at my grandparents' from time to time and soon learned that after TNT, another channel started. Unfortunately there was little more than an erotic-looking blur, but for a sacred, preceeding 5 minutes, there was the "5-minute freeview". Although I used to get to stay up late when I stayed round, the chances of me getting this past the oldies were nil (only the main telly had sky and we always watched that), so I had the idea of learning how to programme the video recorder. I asked my grandad if I could 'borrow' a tape and he kindly gave me one and labelled it "George's Tape". In hindsight he was probably trying to be kind. I found I could programme the VCR to record sky while we innocently watched BBC1, as long as I left I on the right channel...

The next time I was round, my Grandad, Grandma and I were watching a film. The room was pretty quiet....far too quiet, for at 11:55pm precisely, the classic VCR sparked into life; CLICK...WHRRRRRRRRRRRRR... for precisely 5 minutes. It was a noisy machine. At 12am on the dot, it gave another few clicks. My granded turned to me as he changed the channel to see what was on sky. I did my best nonchalant look. Only then did the tape player spit out "George's Tape" as the blonde on screen waved goodbye.
(YourLocalGP, Wed 31 Jan 2007, 22:46, Reply)

Memories
I remember once, when I was young, free and single (about 17), I was giving my mate JH a lift to the local cinema. On the way I bought some Porn and had to delicately explain to him, with the help of "visual aids" where ones cock went - LOL. He also worried that if a girl sucked a bloke off and had diaohrea she could get up the duff - LOL again. (Not that I was experienced, but at least Im not a cunt !)
(kitescreech still here, Wed 31 Jan 2007, 22:31, Reply)

First 'Nice thoughts'
I suppose watching Pans People/Legs & Co etc in 1977 (aged 4) on Top of the Pops 3 inches from screen-Parents said'I don't think we need to worry about him'.....
(archstanton The gold is next to me....leave me be, Wed 31 Jan 2007, 21:43, Reply)

Sex Ed.
10 Year Olds. Sex Ed.
Recipe for destruction.


Because my school was a wee bit shite we were shown videos from the 80's. The unintentionally hilarious ones.

I remember there being an incredibly dodgy animation where people were in bed doing the deed and the voiceover saying "an orgasm is a warm, tingly feeling that goes over the whole body."

She was not wrong.


I also remember there being a naked girl running into her parents bedroom and then her mother walking out of the room, then her dad coming out holding the girls hand.
While they were all completely starkers.
I feel sorry for the 80's children among you.


Apologies for shit grammar.
(littlenipple hate's bad grammar, Wed 31 Jan 2007, 21:34, Reply)

I hear you ZZ
I used to feel the same way about QVC.
(LunarJim, Wed 31 Jan 2007, 21:06, Reply)