My angry, paranoid neighbour.
A few years ago i used to share a house with my girlfriend, her sister and her sisters boyfriend. It was a nice set up, the house to the left of us was empty and the house to the right had a neighbour who we barely saw and was pretty down to earth.

So this was all good, we could have friends around, we could party at weekends and we could relax without any bother or noise complaints.

That was until Ste moved into the empy house with his family (wife and two kids). Now Ste was almost always drunk on Stella artois, he was very twitchy and paranoid and had was extremely dodgy. Like a kind of skinny Del Boy crossed between a Jack Russel dog.

For the first few weeks he could often be seen opening his back garden gate and bringing (presumably) stolen furniture into the house from the back of a van (full of equally dodgy men). So far so good, no real problems to speak of... Until we dared to have a party on a friday night. We had a few of our closest friends around for a meal and a few beers and it was as a whole a pretty relaxed affair.

The next thing we knew, we heard banging on our back window and Ste had climbed onto the garden wall and was spying through the curtains.
I opened the back door and was instantly greeted by :
'Fuckin party at this time? I've got kids in bed (which was a complete lie as they were both in the back garden eating ice cream) and you're taking the fuckin' piss!'

'Ok sorry, i didn't realise it was so loud, i'll turn it down' i said and proceeded to do so.

'Make sure you do!' He yelled.

Nothing more came of it, until a few weeks later, we had another gathering and with the previous events in mind, we kept the volume to a minimum.

Now, my good (and totally harmless) friend Richard had gone to the back door to have a smoke and a few seconds later Richard asked for me to come to him. I popped my head out the back door to find Angry Ste was again propped on the garden wall with a kitchen knife in hand and was shouting at Richard.
Upon seeing me, Angry ste said 'Eh tell your mate to stop being cocky!'

'huh?' i exclaimed.

'He's being a cocky bastard and keeps smiling at me!'

I told Richard to go inside to diffuse the situation (so we didn't get killed) and tried to calm Angry Ste down. He told me he had anger problems and didn't like people smiling at him. (Doing my best not to laugh) i told him it was okay, and not to worry about us, we're just a bunch of harmless hippies and we won't be any bother to him.

'Yeah but i wanna fucking talk to you, and you keep trying to go inside you house!'

'Okay Ste i'll talk to you if you put the knife down'

Ste chucked the knife into the garden and remained sat on the wall. Now it was at this point i thought 'if this keeps up, the next few years are going to be hell', so i told him in no uncertain terms that the only time we ever get to party is on a weekend, we have respect for him, but i didn't like him threatening my mates. I told him if he ever has problems with any noise or people smiling at him, to come and talk to me and not shout at people.

'You're a bloody good lad you Lizard, you're a bloody good neighbour, not like my last neighbours who got me kicked out, fucking cunts, you're a good lad Lizzy!' and with that he shook my hand, dropped down from the wall into his house and returned seconds later with a can of stella for me.
Result.

Now occasionaly if anything happened Angry Ste would shout for me (at all times of the day) 'Lizzzzy!!! Lizzzy!!!' and we would have a good chat and smooth everything out, despite the fact he was a red-faced nutcase. Every chat would be resolved with him handing me a can of stella.

Now in regards to the music volumes, i didn't dare mention the fact that EVERY fucking morning WE would be awoken to the Rolling stones 'Gimme shelter' at exactly the same time 8:00 am on fucking repeat, blaring from the kitchen next door. I didn't want to call him a hypocrite as we'd managed to sort things out. But it was a kind of neutral resolution. He didn't mind people partying here on the odd weekend, as long as we didn't mention his very narrow and loud and repetitive musical taste in the morning times.

He obviously had social issues and was more than likely on the run. Eventually we got used to his strange habits and the musical awakening at 8:00am every morning. He befriended me, telling me 'if you ever need anyone sorting out Lizzy, you tell me!'

Now - he eventually buggered off, doing a moonlit flight with his family, but i still remember the time on Christmas day I was alerted to his loud shouting of 'Lizzzzy, Lizzzzzy!' to which i appeared at the back door to find him in his usual perch on my backwall with two cans of stella in his hand. The rolling stones 'Gimme shelter' blaring from his kitchen as per usual.

'Merry Christmas Lizard, you're a good fucking lad, have a drink with me'

He gave me another can of stella and a jack daniels glass and to be honest it was a nice feeling to have a yuletide beer with this nutter of a neighbour. The thought was obviously there and in all honesty he was all mouth, he looked after his wife and kids (even if he couldn't look after himself much) and treated them like princesses.

I once talked the poor guy out of suicide. One spring morning, he shouted for me 'Lizzy, Lizzy!' and he told me he was sick of life. That he was planning on jumping off Runcorn bridge and he gave me a handful of money to give to his wife and kids and to tell them that he loved them.

I was taken aback. I told him that he was being selfish and that he could sort his life out one step at a time, i refused to take the money and told him to calm down and think about things. Which he did and after contemplation, he again returned with a can of stella for me.

'Cheers Lizzy!'

He's long gone now (presumed drunk and shouty)... But i often think about the strange man. How he was very confrontational, a bit mad but ultimately just troubled. I'm quite proud of the fact that i didn't ignore him and listened to him and gave him the time to talk, and i like to think he respected that, especially by showing no fear to him.
I'm glad i changed the whole situation round, becoming friendly with him instead of being afraid of him. He may have even killed himself if i hadn't have gone outside to talk to the mad bastard.

Whenever i hear the rolling stones, i often raise a wry smile and a beer to him.

Sorry for the unfunny.

* For clarity: -my name isn't Lizzy, but it sounds similar enough...
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Fri 2 Oct 2009, 17:25, 4 replies)

Nutty Neighbours
I've hauled my ass out of lurkerdom to reply to this.

I've got a nutjob for an upstairs neighbour as well. Most people look at me with pity when I tell them where I live as his family and him have a bad reputation. He's a good guy really and has always been decent enough to us. He's just had a tough life and been shat on by society a fair few times. I can hear him right now, I know he's had a bevvy and he's having a wee sing song to himself.

It's handy to know him as well - if anyone ever crossed my family they'd have him to answer to.
(mad-mother, Fri 2 Oct 2009, 19:40, closed)

Hehe
Maybe he's a relation to angry Ste?
(mr-lizard Hell's teeth man!, Sat 3 Oct 2009, 1:39, closed)

You never know
Did Angry Ste spend all morning chucking up after a few drinks?

Fucking lightweight this fella is - he was quiet by midnight and has been blowing chunks all morning. Really lovely soundtrack for your morning pee "BLEAAAHHH" My five year old thought it was hysterical.
(mad-mother, Sat 3 Oct 2009, 12:51, closed)