HOW MY MUM ATE MY CUM
In a moment of sheer unadulterated madness my dad painted the Talbot Horizon in Hammerite. Gold Hammerite. Before this it was a perfectly good shitty old black car. I think he thought it would add a layer of protection. But it made the old banger look like something a bunch of gypsies wouldn't be seen dead in.

So, it was only slightly less embarrasing when my parents dropped me off in Northampton town centre and I had to walk to the club.

Dressed as fucking Batman.

Fair play, I got a few odd looks. One person may have remarked: "Why is that spotty, weedy little teenager dressed up like The Dark Knight - he looks emaciated." But fuck it. It really was less embarrasing than having my cred completely destroyed if they'd have dropped me off in the shit-mobile just outside the club.

Forties, Northampton - a great little place. And on this particular occasion they were running a fancy dress day (not strictly speaking a nightclub as we were all sixteen and seventeen). I rolled up to the entrance, the bored looking fella asked if I was here for the fancy dress party, I said: "No, I'm the avenger of Gotham, only I got a little bit lost on my way back from fucking up The Joker," I paid my two quid, and went inside.

And once past the incredibly lax security I found my group of mates, dressed as various superheros and villians, reached into my kegs and pulled out a hipflask bottle of finest Tescos gin.

No alcohol allowed, of course, but we'd all brought something along. And the following couple of hours, bouncing off the walls like twats in tights to the likes of 2 Unlimited, we got steadily more pissed.

And then my girlfriend turned up. A beautiful girlie named Fiona who looked fucking hot in her Supergirl outfit. Unlike most of the girls there she actually had breasts! Woo! It was a sight to behold seeing her jiggle and writhe to the latest bag of old toss from Kylie Minogue.

After a while I found myself sitting on a sofa with Fiona. Batman was desperately kneading Supergirl's knockers, trying to find the secret to giving a woman (well, a sixteen year old girl) an amazing orgasm by tweaking her nips like they were the dials on a radio.

This didn't work - but the mixture of gin, rum, and Jack Daniels seemed to have loosened Fiona's inhibitions somewhat.

"Let's go to the toilets," she slobbered in my ear.

And we did. We went to the ladies bogs on account of me being the perfect gentleman. We found a booth, staggered and swayed inside and locked the door.

And I said, being the perfect gentleman and worldy about the ways of women: "Can I stick it in you?"

Fiona shook her head 'no'. "But we can do something else..." And she slid down my weedy little body, playing her fingers across my bat emblem, and unzipped my fly. And proceeded to suck me off. Thinking back now, it was fucking crap. But at the time it was the first time anyone else had put my cock in their mouth. (I don't count the time I managed to suck my own cock when I was fourteen and managed to put my back out, and Daisy was technically a female, but she was an Alsatian, so that probably doesn't count).

I remember bracing my hands against the walls of the booth and looking down at Fiona's manically bobbing head. It was ace! And, after about thirty seconds of this intense sucking action, I did something I've since learned not to do. I ejaculated a thick load into her mouth - only I didn't give her the curt "I'm gonna cum!" warning first. I simply put my head back, made my best cum face, and squirted like a fire engine spurting out flame retardent foam on a forest fire.

And Fiona gagged.

And Fiona spurted cum out of her nose as she went to stand up and deposited a load of snot-mixed-with-cum all over the torso of my lovely, pristine Batman costume.

Wipeing cum from her lips, still gagging, she advised me that was the first time she'd ever done this. Well, I just hope whoever she's with now at least gives her a polite tap on the head before he spurts.

Anyway, we sort ourselves out and leave the bogs. Having had an orgasm I had no further use for my girlfriend (I was a shit back then), so I made my excuses and went back to my gaggle of mates to show off and tell them how much of a fucking stud I was.

And in no time at all its time to go. The lights come up, the staff close the bar (selling pop and crisps), and the bloke who owns the place wonders why the hell there are shitloads of empty booze bottles littering the place.

And I stagger outside, go round the corner, and see the shit-mobile. My mum and dad inside patiently waiting for me.

I step inside, trying not to appear pissed.

"You ok, Spanky?" asks my mum. I nod. "What on Earth have you got all over you?" Oh, shit! I'd completely forgotten about the snot/cum combo. "Is that food? Here," and in terrible, awful slow motion my mum pulls out a hanky, dabs it to her lips and wets it with her tongue, and starts to pat me down. And as my eyes go wider she returns the hanky to her mouth, dabs it with her tonge again, and carries on patting and fussing over me.

"How on Earth do you get yourself so messy all the time?" She ponders for a moment: "Hmmm, tastes like thousand island dressing - why on Earth would they have this sort of food at a childrens disco. Don't the organisers know how much dry cleaning costs...?"

And I just laugh nervously and my dad puts the Talbot Horizon in gear and we go clunking off into the night.
( SpankyHanky, Wed 8 Apr 2009, 14:31, 13 replies)

I read the subject heading
I thought, "SpankyHanky"

I scolled down.

I was correct.

Of course, you could read any subject heading and there'd be a one in ten chance of it being a SpankyHanky post ;)
( djtrialprice, Wed 8 Apr 2009, 14:44, closed)

*I* read the subject heading
*I* thought, "SpankyHanky"

*I* scolled down.

*I* was correct.

And *I* cried and laughed at the same time.

This is the winner. Close the QOTW. There is no spoon. /end

clickclickclickclickclick
(ohnonotagain It's worse than you thought. I'm Canadian., Thu 9 Apr 2009, 5:43, closed)

Fuckinell
thats grim, makes me feel dirty, gets a click - spanky strikes again.
(Errin C, Wed 8 Apr 2009, 14:47, closed)

Laughing like an idot
thanks, spanks!
(Lizard King, Wed 8 Apr 2009, 14:48, closed)

Your baby gravy
tastes like Thousand Island Dressing?

I wonder if I can make mine taste like Taramasalata...

Thank you for telling us this story. It was hideous to behold, yet compelling and ultimately hilarious.
Clicked.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 8 Apr 2009, 15:17, closed)

Sometimes I wonder
whether eventually you'll run out of steam.

And then you post something like that.

I commend you sir

(However, if your hot white sticky sex piss tastes, or even worse, looks like 1000 island dressing, get yourself to the cock doc pronto!)
( Undercovercarrot got done for gross misconduct on..., Wed 8 Apr 2009, 18:39, closed)

Oh my god.
Can't. Breathe. For laughing.
*wheezes* *clicks*
(Poppet some assembly required., Thu 9 Apr 2009, 3:45, closed)

Oh my god!!!!!!!!!!
That is disturbing and hilarious!!!!!!!
(Hotty, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 9:04, closed)

I really like thousand island dressing ;)
but if your sperm tastes like it i think u should go see a doctor - clicky click click!
(Milly One, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 9:06, closed)

Disgusting, compelling, and just downright wrong
and funny as - thanks, Spanky.
(Grrrrr Tigers, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 9:08, closed)

Yes. Yes he is.
ALL of the above.

Bravo Spankmeister! Again!
(EffinDoubt is breaking glass on, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 16:03, closed)

so this
is how you got your username?
(bblgoose, Thu 9 Apr 2009, 17:10, closed)

I missed this earlier in the question...
Nice one!
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Mon 13 Apr 2009, 6:23, closed)