I'll pea this - A snowy tale
It was the third week of February 2005 and it had snowed the day before, but here in Hull it had melted within about 24 hours and the roads were dry. Mrs SLVA was out, the kids were at school and I was home alone and bored. So I thought I might have a drive inland to see if there was any snow, if so I was going to park up and take some scenic pictures. So I headed towards Pocklington.

Into Pocklington, I saw a sign telling me of a scenic drive through Millington Pastures. That sounded good, so off I went, on to what become a single track road. Shit, thought I as I realised that such a tiny country lane would be nigh on impassable for my beat up old Ford Escort. But no, someone had been through with a snowplough and cleared it all. I've yet to work out why because it's the tiniest of back roads that winds in a dale between two very steep embankments. I stopped every so often and took some pics before realising I desperately needed a piss.

I pulled over at the side here

maps.google.co.uk/?ie=UTF8&ll=53.965686,-0.722812&spn=0.003206,0.006856&t=h&z=17 , hoping no one would come by now as they'd never get past what with the snow piled up either side of the lane. There was a sort of entrance to a field with a gate and I headed towards that.

maps.google.co.uk/?ie=UTF8&t=h&ll=53.966166,-0.723306&spn=0.000783,0.001725&z=19&layer=c&cbll=53.966144,-0.723158&panoid=q9jOS938vCgsbKLoGL8pKw&cbp=12,327.79,,0,17.74

As you can see there was a slight incline to the gate and I was already in the process of getting my cock out when I slipped. I put my hand down to stop myself face-planting. The snow looked about 3 inches deep and I expected a cold wet hand. No, the snow wasn't very deep at all, but the sloppy mud underneath was and my fingers sunk in. I managed to stand up but by now I was pissing like a horse and I slipped again, this time landing on both hands. Thank Christ nobody drove past to see what looked like me doing press-ups with my cock out fucking a patch of yellow snow.

I finished peeing, scrambled to my feet and began to put myself away again. It then dawned on me that my hands were muddy and I had got it on to my todger. I used a bit of snow to clean my hands and then tried to clean my penis the same way but it was cold. Very cold. Absolutely bastard freezing truth be told. "Fuck that" I thought, put myself away, zipped up and went back to the car where I pictured what I must have looked like to a passer-by and giggled like a loon.

I'd lost interest in scenic pictures by now and wanted to get cleaned up properly so I drove home, every so often hitting a patch of snow that made my car skitter sideways in the most alarming manner.

By the time I got in, Mrs Sandettie was home and was laying on the bed reading. I went upstairs, said hello and opened the wardrobe next to the bed to get some clean jeans out. I undid my jeans and took them off. She'd been feeling a bit horny when she'd come in and seeing me in my boxers she thought she'd fruit me up. She pulled my pants down and just as I remembered what had happened earlier, she uttered the line;

"Sandettie, why is your cock all brown?"
"Err, well, funny you should ask that..."
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Fri 28 Jan 2011, 10:06, 4 replies)

I clicked the last time
and I'll do it again.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Fri 28 Jan 2011, 10:43, closed)

My major disappointment...
...is that Google Maps didn't catch any of this.
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Fri 28 Jan 2011, 13:13, closed)

"Why is your cock all brown?"
Is one of those questions that needs to be answered VERY carefully. And you're probably hosed whatever you say.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 28 Jan 2011, 14:02, closed)

You're not very lucky, are you?
(imanaturalblonde, Mon 31 Jan 2011, 13:22, closed)