Hospitals and nosebleeding.
One of my colleagues -- let's call him Patrick-- whose Dad is a GP. He has a massive nosebleed. So Patick and his mum come home to find a trail of blood leading to his desk in the study.
The desk was awash with blood, blood soaked tissues, and a bloody note reading "Gone to Hospital".

So, the qualified, practicing doctor, called an ambulance, and soon he was lying in the back of it, holding his nose trying to stem the bleeding. The paramedic, almost patronisingly, told him "Ah, Doctor, you should know better than that, you should be sitting up rather than lying down"
Patrick's Dad: "If I sit up, I'll faint."
Paramedic. "No you won't"
[he sits up]
[he promptly faints]
There was no need for him to sit up, eh?
( drunkenoaf, Tue 21 Jun 2005, 13:33, Reply)

Your fucking spelling
Shitty, shitty spelling seems almost compulsory in QOTW now. Absolutely no need for it.

Just use a spellchecker or, better yet, kill yourself painfully. Fucktards.
(fogbat, Tue 21 Jun 2005, 13:30, Reply)

Education and the NHS suck!
Sitting in a psychology lesson, screaming in agony from these blasts of seering pain in my sides, guy sitting next to me tells me to go see the Pupil Welfare staff cos the pain got to a stage where I started banging my head on the table.

I somehow get through the lesson and go to pupil welfare, who ask if it's serious... I then keel over in pain, clutching my side as pressure seems to stop the pain and get told I need permission to leave... I'm 18 and should be able to leave when I like thank you very much!!!

Anyway, I go to my psychology teacher who says she didn't notice I had a problem... how obsevant of her (I was actually banging my head on the table and screaming in agony throughout the lesson, but does she care? Noooo).

So then I have to drive, yes DRIVE to the hospital, nearly crashing because of one of these painful episodes. Then I get there, get seen by a doctor who doesn't speak English (flippin NHS twunts) and finally get referred to a radiologist who is very helpful and does speak English, cue me going back to non-english speaking doctor who manages to say something about me being in a high risk group for blood vessels on my lung bursting and says, "just come back if you feel any pain again." So now every time my side hurts I have to go to the twunting hospital!

There was definately no need for that!
(I R Advertiser How can you live like this you're out of control?, Tue 21 Jun 2005, 13:20, Reply)

Thyroid gland
Few months ago I got a quite large bizzare swelling in my throat. I'd booked a hospital appointment to get it checked out, and was sat joking over what it could be with some of my friends,
"Maybe you swollowed an apple whole and it got lodged there!" said one of my not-so-creative friends.
"Or maybe you swollowed a cock whole and we're all see it going down your throat in some 'Tom and Jerry' style."
"Yeah, or maybe you've got cancer!"
. . . No need for that.

Turns out it was my thyroid gland and it was just a bit swollen.
( Fluffy elephants, Tue 21 Jun 2005, 13:11, Reply)

History exam
Every need for the exam.
No need having my throat extremly sore all day so that even drinking water (its a hot day) hurts like hell.
Also no need to feel like I'm going to throw up for 1 1/2 hours. Then getting better at the end of the exam.
All in all a bad exam as I couldn't concentrate and felt like I was going to barf.

And no need for some length pun here.
(/lurks], Tue 21 Jun 2005, 12:26, Reply)

Footy hurt my footy
Last sunday playing football at Littledown Astroturf: As I shot, someone tried to clear it about 4 seconds too late and twatted me in the ankle, only for it to break. Bad enough.

When in hospital over this weekend, which was fucking boiling, they took my beloved morphine away and stopped my diazepam. The bastards.

So I was left totally sober with a semi-naked pensioner, a recovering cokehead, a lecherous ex-marine and still a twatted ankle.

Morphine donations are welcome.
(mrmonkfish yolo420weedwizard, Tue 21 Jun 2005, 11:34, Reply)

Local treatments
While my boyfriend and I were in the Philippines, he managed to step on a black sea urchin (like this one www.thenewzealandsite.com/photo/1981/ ) on the first day. Foreigners get a much harsher and more painful reaction than the locals, and it can balloon up. We were on a tiny island with no hospital or anything, and so the people at the place we were staying proceeded to apply various treatments, squeezing it and rubbing hot calamansi (like a small lime) onto his foot while he was screaming in pain. They then all started uttering one word "urine" and all turned to me to provide it. The things you do for love, hmm..? So.. my dear boyfriend had his aching foot squeezed, burned and got to put it in a pot of my urine. And then, when we finally persuaded them to call a doctor, when she arrived told us there was no need for all that, it wouldn't have helped at all and was horrified.

And then she proceeded to spent two hours digging the spines out of his foot with a needle while he was in excruciating pain, and had to use no less SEVEN local anasthetics, injected deep into his foot.

He couldn't walk for over a week.

Let's just call it an "experience"
(PowderedGnomeGirl, Tue 21 Jun 2005, 11:25, Reply)

not me (ha) but my sis....
Couldn't help feeling sorry for my sister last week, not only did she have to leave the house 2 hours before work to get bus, train & taxi due to lack of lift she decided to treat herself to a coffee.

Unknowing to her the dumb-funks hadn't put the lid on properly hense a hand full of scalding coffe, proper burn too, it's gone manky!

You'd think that'd be enough but her boyf was meant to pick her up at home time, he got stuck in traffic. Another train journey home, problem with track, stuck half way home at some random station for an hour.

Eventually when she got to desired Train station she procceded to fall up the stairs amid the heard of travellers!

Glad I was on holiday and spent most of the day in bed!
(bectoria, Tue 21 Jun 2005, 11:02, Reply)

Wonder dough !!
As a baker specialising in the making of bread, imagine my delight when I was recently introduced to a marvelous new invention in the world of dough. Comes ready to bake in the oven with absolutely no hassel whatsover.

Definately no kneed !!!
(Jetboy75, Tue 21 Jun 2005, 10:48, Reply)

Cherryade
Picture it mid seventies
Me young girl back from school on a hot summer day
My mum oh I`ve got some lovely cherryade I know it`s your favorate, I just popped it in the frezzer to cool it quicker
Me yippee off to the frezzer,open the bottle for it to explode in my face covering me and the celing of our kitchen in cherryade
My mum is actually laughing so much she has fallen on the floor
Eventually she gets up and says
I think I must of left it in frezzer too long

No shit Sherlock....now there really was no need for that
(Smumps, Tue 21 Jun 2005, 10:10, Reply)

( )oooo - - -
Just the other night, me and the new bird walking round some lil gig I had going on in Leicester Square, I stop for a while to talk to this reporter dude when "SHOCK" he fucking hoses me down with a fake microphone spewing water in my face! No need I tell ya!!

The guy also had the nerve to pretend to be a journalist and is intending to show the vid of me moaning like a girl to the whole world. Definately no need!!
(IMMORTALIS DOMINOX, Tue 21 Jun 2005, 8:29, Reply)

Cats + Vomit
As I'm sure you're all aware by now, I have a severe phobia of vomit (hey, I'm building up to something here!).
We have 2 cats. They're old - one is 10, the other just turned 11. They're starting to have digestive problems, although my hubby has changed their food per vet instructions several times.
Now, I can cope with being woken up by one or other of them vomiting in the middle of the night. In the bedroom. It's hard, but I deal with it by kicking hubby :)
I can deal with them vomiting on the bedcovers, as long as hubby gets up in the middle of the night to change the sheets (thing is, he's good like that - I've not done laundry since we've been married!).
What there is absolutely no need whatsover for, is the older cat eating the younger monster's puke. In front of me. At least once a week!
Evil little mental mindfuck bastards, they hate me!

What there really is no need for is the hubby laughing at me because I run crying into the bedroom and hide under the covers until evil bastard older cat is no longer hungry!! (I told you the phobia is severe!)
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Tue 21 Jun 2005, 8:25, Reply)

was only last night . . . .
seeing a bit of a new lady at the mo, still going through the getting to know you bit, having the few drinks and chatting about this and that , nice time. Take her to one of my regulars which is one of these old lads pubs with character , we are on the man and woman conversation about a metre and a half from the rest of the crowd of punters . . . anyway as a down to earth chap I'm telling her that most women end up being nags in a fair sort of way and that men will always fart . . . the she says thats fucking discusting , and on breathing through my nose I see why . One of the old fuckers arses had opened and the gassy contents had enveloped us, (ntwnnft) co incidence of the year , course she wouldn't believe me as I tried to contest my innocence. Rough justice. She gave us the benefit of the doubt though. yey, me mojos back.
(The Cats Twat, Tue 21 Jun 2005, 4:16, Reply)

Scallops
Before I realized how allergic I was to scallops, I gulped down a plate of them at a fancy dinner. Cut to 4 hours later: violently ill, vomiting hard - and - wait for it - I dislocated my jaw! Which hurts A LOT. So off I go to the big city emergency room at 2 in the morning. Remember, my jaw is dislocated so I have a somewhat comical look on my face and I can't speak clearly. Plus I am still quite nauseous. Start out with the intake person, sitting behind bullet proof glass. Me: oi izzo-ated i aw. Her: (thinks: another f=ing nutter) What? Me: oi izzo-ated i aw. Her: (stares) Me: makes writing motion, receives pencil and paper and writes: "I dislocated my jaw while vomiting." She: "Well why didn't you say so?". I'll skip the next few hours during which I sat in the emergency room, still quite nauseous, holding an empty pie tin in case I puke some more. Around me are various knifing/gun shot/car accident victims who, because they are merely bleeding profusely, get whisked right through. Finally, I see an exhausted intern who has no idea how to put the jaw back, but does he let that stop him? He does not. He grabs the back of my head with one hand and puts the other under my chin and pushes together as hard as he can. The most intense pain I have ever experienced. For some reason, this actually snaps the jaw back. (I have since learned a very simple and painless trick for putting it back, as it pops out now every time I yawn.) Quite a lot of pain for a plate of scallops.
(mortdubois lacks imagination, doesn't play well with others, Tue 21 Jun 2005, 3:26, Reply)

One from Mrs Simax
I had been asked by my Mum if I could look after her dog for the day while she and my brother went into town. 10 minutes after they left the dog layed a massive egg on the living room carpet....there was no need for that.
After a few hours they arived home looking very stressed so I went next door to see my best friend. I returned about 20 minutes later picked up my bag and went to catch the bus home, once on the bus I discovered my theiving brother had had all my money out of my wallet....There was no need for that.
I stormed back to my Mums and had a full on fight with my brother then stormed next door again to call my then-boyfriend.
While we were waiting for him to arrive we decided to open a bottle of vodka, got very pissed and stormed back to Mums.
After a lot of shouting the police were called and I was told to go home, cool down and to make a complaint the next day.......So I got in my boyfriends car and started the long drive home. By this time it was late and after a lot of vodka I really needed a piss....so we pulled into a old carpark next to a house. I got out and walked to the far end, pulled my jeans and knickers down and squatted in the hedge. Just as I started my boyfriend turned his music on so loud I jumped, lost my footing and fell back in to the prickles.......There was no need for that....
So there I was stuck in a prickly bush, in the pitch black and my boyfriend can't hear my screams for help cos his music's up so loud it's like a rock concert......I'm fucked. After 10 minutes I managed to pull myself out and fell straight back in again. I wriggle out for the second time just in time to see a Police car pull in to the carpark.(Jeans and pants still down)
They had been called by the people who lived in the house who thought I was being attacked..... They arrested me for breach of the peace, took me back to the station where I spent the next 25 minutes having prickles pulled out of my arse........THERE WAS NO NEED FOR THAT

No apologies for length, as "Girth" is my middle name ;)
(simax, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 23:31, Reply)

hand jobs
When you think about it there isn't a need for hand jobs. If you want it done right, do it yourself.
(Kerflabjeje, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 22:59, Reply)

No need for that!
getting totaly drunk and screaming at flamingos in the zoo at the top of my voice about how life is so unfair



the worst thing is it was in broad daylight everyone stared at me, at least i got publicity :D
(and a ban from the zoo)
(count cherry, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 22:29, Reply)

no need no need at all
"inner or outer vaginal itching cream" i just found next to my toothpaste....
( m-a-t-t -- formerly mini hasn't been on here for EVER!, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 21:03, Reply)

euro final
i trust you enjoyed our lovely "town" of blackburn then, land of single mums an old people
( m-a-t-t -- formerly mini hasn't been on here for EVER!, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 21:02, Reply)

fathers day
fathers day - the age old tradition of being one of 2 days over the course of a year convincing a bunch of males that their family is everything and they should feel appreciated.
so what better programme (being covered by the bbc AND eurosport) to emphasize this, than the final of Women's Euro 2005?
22 women in shorts, flinging themsleves about a pitch (in the rain for added effect) and 'bouncing' about all over the place.
no need....
p.s the german goalkeeper had rather large tats....
(I R Tomsk pyromaniacs will only inflame the situation, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 20:48, Reply)

Now there was no need for that ...
Got a few days of temporary work helping a guy dig up a septic system on a gentleman's farm. Something had blocked the whole thing up, and the problem was traced to one particular run-off of weeping tile. Me in my wellies, up to my calves in ripe and copious sewage.

Dug like crazy. On day two finally got to the source of the blockage - a veritable treasure trove of tampons and their PLASTIC APPLICATORS! Mr. Gentleman Farmer's brainless spouse was never told about non-biodegradable additions to septic systems.

While I was digging, the feller who hired me suddenly broke free and chased down a rabbit in the field. He aimed a boot at its head, hoping to stun the creature, capture it, and give to Mr. Gentleman Farmer's male offspring as a pet. Well the rabbit was never stunned - its neck was broken, so it just scrabbled around on the ground describing circles in the grass. The guy with the boot said, "Just leave it alone for a while - it'll come around eventually."

I left it alone for a couple of hours - it didn't repair itself, and would never be able to do so. So I grabbed a length of 2x4, and dispatched it with a couple of shots to the head. I then grabbed it by the hind legs and flung it over the back fence so as to not traumatize its intended recipient. Naturally some blood vessel let go just as I was winding up for the pitch, and I ended up with a stripe of blood up the middle of my back. Now, there was no need for that, was there?
(Just a stub, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 20:41, Reply)

now theres no need for that.

penis
(tiswicked, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 18:36, Reply)

Oh my Jesus...
There is no need for you to keep telling us about your BLOODY EXAMS! If you don't like it, get a job as a toilet cleaner. You don't need any exams for that.
(Lilac Fish, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 18:15, Reply)

BIG FAT COCKS
... you love it


HA ()
HA ||
,,,O||O
(Limited IQ, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 18:14, Reply)

meh
no need for glastonbury to be -this- weekend and not next weekend....who cares about post-colonial literature anyway? bad enough that i have nasty A levels to do, they dont have to schedule them twatting after glastonbury so i can't go. i might boycott late exams o_0
(tiswicked, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 17:48, Reply)

oh and another thing
people posting urban legends as their own stories ie. the ball in the hip socket etc etc.
(sextuple rooty, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 17:38, Reply)

no need for
sitting on hyde park (leeds) all day drinking corona with my friends only to have to come to the library and sit for 4 hours for 'work' reading people bitching about hospital staff doing the best they can to help them, but evidently not doing it quick enough as there are children dying, but obviously them falling over whilst drunk is *far* more important.
(sextuple rooty, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 17:33, Reply)

Fans
I been revising all bloody hot weekend long wanting to be out there but no i had two history and a media exam today didnt understand poo all about the nazis or the state and the poor liberal reforms went to bed less then happy was really hot so i left on the fan which is directly above my bed which happens to be a bunk, woke up this morning fan still on sat up stupid fan smacked me straight in the head really no need for that, also was no need for the stupid feckin kids to makes so much noise when ima tryin to sit my a level examz no need for the lights to go off during my media exam no need for the stupid fan to blow my exam paper across the hottest room they wonderfully decided to put us in no bloody need for me now to be stuck inside once again revising shakespeare and william blake for tomorrow. I HATE A LEVELS
(Bhougal...hang me upside down from a banana tree and call me BERTTIE BHOUGAL>>>Oh Yeah...!!, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 17:25, Reply)

sounds rather pants but it just happened
My Mum askes me to grab a pan thats fallen behind a draw in the kitchen unit. Now the space between the top of the draw and its *ceiling* can fit the pan, so when i grab it, my fingers get caught inbetween pan and celing. SHIT, it fucking hurts and the more i pull the no more it budges. Starting to feel nothing but agony in my fingertips, swearing my head off as mums cooking and humming. I finnaly get relased with the pan stuck.
Anywhos i finish the job, trying to pull the pan from being stuck from its edge and it releses, smashing back the fingers on my recovering hands back on the inside of the draw FUCK!

"Are you alright there hun?"
( Blobcat Less Jaffacakes this year, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 17:06, Reply)

Shit on....
Today, my illustrious colleagues and I were called to a short noticed meeting and told that we were, in fact, being sold out to a contracting company forcing us to lose upto 23% of our income - or worse, our jobs.

After sitting down with a nice cup of tea and calmly discussing our options, ideas and possibilities, we walk back to our offices for a non-productive afternoon of not doing anything out of principle. Only to have us dive-bombed by a Seagull and covered with enough bird poo to cover a Ford Fiesta. Luckily, I escaped with minor shrapnels wounds but some of us had hair, legs, clothes and shoe injuries.... not to mention egos.
(Repti_Dude, Mon 20 Jun 2005, 16:54, Reply)