She was only apeloverage's daughter
But she was also his sister (incest, you see)
(frankspencer, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 14:14, Reply)

baa baa
baa baa baa baa baa baa baa baa

*Translation*: Almost lost it, but tarbin couldnt catch me
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 14:12, Reply)

The best piece of advice I was ever given...
...is don't be too late to post for QOTW






Fucksocks
( ogwen69 has returned from Reddit, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 13:28, Reply)

she was only Banjo Patterson's daughter

but I romanticised her bush.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 13:16, Reply)

extra verse

The first man I had
I was only sixteen
he was older, much older than I
he taped me The Cure
and called me mature
and said that he'd call, but he lied.

The first man I had
was as old as my Dad
and he'd chase anything wearing pants
the most worthless of men
I won't see him again
though I would if he'd give me the chance.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 13:13, Reply)

she was Henry Lawson's daughter
(give or take a generation)
when I laid my eyes upon her
there was movement at the station.
So I quickly wrote these verses
with the aim that they would court her.
She was very unimpressed with me
was Henry Lawson's daughter
(give or take a generation -
did I say that? I'm forgetful)
and I wondered if my parody
was seen as disrespectful.
So I put that theory to her
and she said "it doesn't matter son
I think the guy you're thinking of
is A.B. 'Banjo' Patterson".
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 12:21, Reply)

Boobs *sigh*
I was a very happy 13 year old, going out with a girl I was smitten with. After some months going out with her, I actually made a tentative move, when she was half asleep (fully clothed of course) to touch her breast - she appeared to wake up a bit, so I hurredly withdrew. Shortly after that we split up, having done nothing except snogged.

It was only years later that I found out she'd been suspended from school for having sex in a classroom - at age 11! So it was only then I realised it probably wasn't tentatively touching her boob that made her dump me..

By all accounts she spent the rest of her teenage years proving what a filthy slut she was. This included sleeping with me once, but she wouldn't take her bra off, I eventually deduced because she was embarassed about having inverted nipples, so I never did fully completely get my hands on those boobies.. she also had a bit of stubble from shaving her lady-tache which made my member completly lose interest, so I didn't do the dirty either. She could have made me such a /happy/ 13 year old, but these are the (mam/)memories I end up with..
(Vote Pedro, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 11:59, Reply)

Well...
My greatest regret is my terrible procrastination...

Wha...? Oh.
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Thu 2 Nov 2006, 11:53, Reply)

Lisa, Suffolk
When i was at school in Bury St Edmunds, about 13 years old, i was one of the first in our year to hit puberty.
One of the girls in my year who lived just round the corner from me said to me one day "Simon, a lot of people lose their virginity at our age to people they know and who live nearby". I said "That right?" and went off on my bike. I moved North with the folks not long after that, never realised what she was implying till much later...
Grew up into a shy, chubby, useless with women (but cute) guy who took another SEVEN YEARS to do the deed.
*Sigh*, would have beaten my punk rocker brother who lost his at 14 as well..
(Darth Thump, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 11:42, Reply)

Christmas pressie
My missus told me that she was very religious and definitely didn’t want to do it until after we were married. I loved her very much and respected her for this so I didn’t try to pressurise her into doing anything she wasn’t comfortable with.

Then, while we were engaged, she got herself up the duff. Now, I KNEW it wasn’t mine so I was pretty pissed off, not just with the fact that she had done it with someone else after putting me off for so long, but the fact that I’d respected her reasons and now felt like a right idiot as well as a cuckold.

Then, to cap it all, she tells me that she is still a virgin!! Says she was visited in the night by an angel, and that the baby is God’s! I mean, I know I’m just a carpenter, but how thick do you think I am??

The only good thing…the baby was born on Christmas day, so we can combine birthday presents with Christmas ones…oh yeah, and these three blokes turned up with some presents ‘for the baby’, which I felt it my duty to look after for him, until he’s old enough.

So, despite having already had a baby, my missus was a virgin on our wedding night. Didn’t notice any blood on the sheets the next day mind….
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 11:42, Reply)

she was only the Irishman's daughter
and I never fucked her but oughter
I showed her my throbbing wick
thick as a candlestick -
now only used to pass water.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 11:39, Reply)

she was only
the Japanese poet's daughter
fleeting like autumn.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 11:36, Reply)

she was only the dyslexic's daughter

but safd;ljasfdjl;as sdflokjkl s.d. sdfsdf.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 11:33, Reply)

she was only the b3tan's daughter

but I fucked your Mum.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 11:32, Reply)

she was only the punk singer's daughter
but she could churn out inarticulate self-important shite more or less without limit.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 11:31, Reply)

she was only the Nigerian civil servant's daughter

but she took all my money.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 11:29, Reply)

she was only the coal miner's daughter

but she was likely to be the subject of a Ken Loach film.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 11:28, Reply)

she was only Nick Griffin's daughter

But she...hang on - that means someone had sex with Nick Griffin. Jesus.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 11:27, Reply)

she was only the stoner's daughter

But, like..fuck! Woah. Shit. That does my head in man.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 11:26, Reply)

She was only the coal miners daughter...
But she liked a good shaft down the pit.
(hudster, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 11:04, Reply)

The bouncer of my local nightclub
Wouldn't let me and my girlfriend in. Granted we were only sixteen and tremendously gee eyed, but still. Unfortunately for the spastic he was a friend of my brother and therefore I knew exactly where he lived. Cue breaking into his house and shagging like monkeys on his bed. I was still kind of angry when we were leaving so I told her I'd catch up. Cue tremendous dump in his kitchen sink.

edit - just kinda realised this is the opposite of the question. Still though, I fucked a bird in the bed of a guy i hate and had a shite in his sink.

I'd apologise for the length but twas a monster.
(fannymcslap Slap my mcfanny, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 8:58, Reply)

Eastenders
Back in t'day, when I were a Yorkshire lass, I had an exciting encounter with a virginal Yorkshire lad. We were at his (I think Eastenders were on in t'background), we'd been fumbling around for a while so I got his knob out. Credit due, he was a big boy. However, given the fact that vaginas are perfectly capable of squeezing out 8lb babies, I knew I could take him. We had just got to the awkward condom moment (made worse by him trying to put it on inside-out), when I remembered that CLEVER GIRLS SHOULD NOT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF DOWN SYNDROME BOYS. So I left. Leaving his virgin status intact.

About a year later he got put in a Spaz House for indulging himself up t'dairy.
(Miss A, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 7:38, Reply)

I slipped....
.....and the sheep ran away before i could stick its legs in my wellies.
(turtles head is touching cloth poked a dwarf on the forehead at, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 6:06, Reply)

I hate the little man.
I hate the little man inside my head for many reasons but the main one is that he has a sense of humour I don't share. He seems to be driven to do the most heart wrenchingly bastardly deeds which are then blamed on me. Unfair I say, nobody could be that cruel or stupid but time and time again I am forced to take the blame for that little bastard inside my head. One example of this involves my virginity. I was at a party a few years ago while still virginified when a rather friendly girl I half knew started giving me the come on. This is rare enough considering I resemble a troll but more so as I was slurring badly and trying to drink from an unopened bottle of vodka. I at first dismissed it as drunken thought but when she grabbed me by the crotch I thought I might be in luck. So by luck or magic we ended up upstairs in one of the bedrooms the host had laid on for such a purpose. Her striping off, me trying not to fall over backwards. She looked at me with doe like eyes, buring with desire. I looked at her with wild staring eyes that were going in two directions at once. So, she said, her last remaining clothes hitting the floor, are you ready? I looked at her and tried to open my mouth to say yes. The little man got there first. Nah said the little man, tears of mirth rolling down his bastard cheeks. Nah, your not my type (though she was). And with that I turned on my heel and left, fell down the staris and ended up explaining the situation loudly and crudely to an audiance of onlookers as she tried to hold on to her dignity and enjoyed a year or so remembered as the girl who couldn't get an ugly Welshman to sleep with her. Amy, I'm very sorry but it isn't me it was the little man.
(mrbastard, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 2:22, Reply)

Eastenders, The Reality (see below)
When I was a young lad, on the cusp of puberty, I was in my room watching Eastenders. Grandma Slater appeared briefly on screen, upon which my first sexual thoughts began to blossom, and I began to imagine intercourse with the beguiling older woman on my television screen.

To cut a long story short, my babysitter for the evening, caught me with pants around my ankles, engaging in self love, whilst repeatedly exclaiming "Grandma Slater" in rapturous joy. Word got around, and even now friends and neighbours occasionally taunt me by humming the Eastenders theme tune, to which I just about manage a forced smile.

Technically this counts as a "nearly losing my virginity story", as the baby sitter did see my old chap, and I guess if at the time, if rather than leaving very quickly, she had felt inclined otherwise, I would have let her have her way with me.

p.s. I have a big cock.
(dunkindogdo, Thu 2 Nov 2006, 1:29, Reply)

Moderate Regret
A very very long story short:

I had been lusting over a guy on the bus for 17 months, over which time I held back any urges to stalk him (and there were some), and simply didn't have to balls to talk to him. Consequently, I only knew his name, and a few little facts about him.

Then, one day, the news reaches me that he's bisexual. Cue heart palpitations. We arrange a date. I hardly eat for three days, and do no work at college.

So, we meet up, go back to my place. My mother had kindly taken the family out to the cinema so we could have an empty house (mum, you're the greatest!). I'm just after a bit of kinky fun, but it soon turns out that he wants proper all-out sex. I freak out a little, and say I'd rather just third-base. So we did.

It turns out he's quite a promiscuous chap in general, and just wants a fuck buddy. He never attempted to make contact again, and I only saw him in passing a couple of times.

I thought I had made the right decision, because the first time's meant to be special, right? Then, I slowly came to the realisation that finally hooking up with someone after 17 months of thinking about them every hour of ever day...is pretty fucking special! What was I expecting? Candles?

I'd love to end this story with "and ten years down the line we're happily together", but it was only eight months ago, and I've been kicking myself about it ever since.

I'm still a spotty virgin, without spots.

Sean, I don't care if you think entirely with your cock. I want you. I no longer live 500 yards from you, but 1,800 miles. Come and find me.
(StrongBad =! strong% AND StrongBad =! bad%: StrongBad = 1/0, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 23:02, Reply)

All of you who think 18 is late
I'm 21, have done 3 years of uni, and haven't lost it yet.
( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Wed 1 Nov 2006, 21:14, Reply)

Oh the drama!
I was 16 and with my first serious bf. I always said I would lose my virginity at the age of 16 and when I we got together I knew it would be with him. This story is about one of the many almosts we had which was by far the most dramatic.
My mother was very strict and he was from another town so we only got to see eachother once a week and often not even that. So every opportunity we got we were all over eachother but never got to be alone. We usually hung out with a group of friends. One Friday he came to my town but that night everyone else had different plans. So it was going to be just me and him. Alone at last.
Now, if my mother knew that, there would be no chance in hell she would let me go out that night. So I did what was natural. I lied. I said I was going to the cinema with my best friend. I didn't bother to inform this friend about it because we had a fight the previous day (the dumb bitch was trying to dissuade me from fucking my bf by threatening to tell my mother!).Therefore she would have no reason to call my house, I thought my lie was foolproof.
We met in our friend's bedroom which was also our group's meeting place since it had a separate entry from the house and we could come and go and do as we pleased. We were lying on friend's bed and things were getting pretty heavy. THIS was the night! My shirt was half unbuttoned, bra pushed aside, his belt and zips undone, hands everywhere. Any moment now! Then all of a sudden the door flung open and friend's stepdad walked in. Cue me pulling my shirt back on with lightning speed and then feigning sweet innocence. He looked at us, smiled, then asked if we knew where friend was. We told him, he left and then I look down and to my horror discover that one of my tits was out in clear view the whole time while I had my most innocent face on. I wasn't sure whether to cry or laugh. Anyway, after a few moments of stupefied silence, it was back to business.
BUT, things got worse...
As we were about to get on with it, there was a knock on the window. It was the dumb bitch saying that my mother was looking for me and she was furious. Oh, fuck! Bollocks! I was in deep shit. Dumb bitch called my house after all. I went home and I could seriously see fumes coming out of my mum's ears. She took one look at my neck and started screaming "what the HELL are those things on your neck!!!" Hickies. Lots of hickies. My bf had vampirised my neck. What did I do? Feign innocence again. "What things? I don't know what you're talking about". Then mum went hysterical. Not a pretty site. She called my dad and started crying and wailing "oh my god I think our daughter had sex tonight! Bladibladibla". Eeeeek, I knew she would flip out but this... I didn't expect this. I stood there listening to her rants and thinking, if I had a shotgun who would I kill? Her or myself?
Anyway, I got grounded for a month and was forced to wear a polo-neck. It was summer. Oh, and if that wasn't enough, the next day she even called my bf's parents. I still shudder when I think about that night.
On a more positive note, bf didn't hate me for life and I finally managed to get rid of my heavy burden a month and a bit later. This time my lie was flawless and everything went according to plan. My mum did find out though a few months later by reading my diary (I had a fucking padlock on it! I still don't know how she managed). She called me a whore. *Shrug*

Appologies for length but that was a looooong night. But worth it all! I am now a sex maniac (and no longer a B3ta virgin! Yey!)
(Vomitoxin offers castrations for free, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 21:08, Reply)

StumpsForArms&NoEyebrows
Another stupid reason for losing it with some random bloke rather than lovely boyfriend is that if it all goes horribly wrong at least you never have to see/speak to said bloke ever again. Of course Sod's Law then it goes right and you find yourself with a real fking problem.

Mind you, what do I know? I managed to lose mine to a tampon long before I felt like letting any blokes play around down there....
(littlesunshine licked your blinky diodes on, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 21:03, Reply)

My ex
Could have shagged her, she was gagging for it.

I didn't because she was a bitch.

Bit boring that.
(Viscous Fridge Magnet Used To Be A Cha-Cha, Wed 1 Nov 2006, 20:49, Reply)