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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Hello sailors
Hands off cocks, on socks - time to get up. Are you a morning person, full of the joys of spring as soon as the alarm goes off? Or are you the slow offspring of Oscar the grouch and his zombie cousin?

Alt: what law would you make, if you were in charge for the day? How would you enforce it?
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 7:33, Reply)
Morning Swipe.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 7:41, Reply)
I am normally a moring person, but I am wearied by all this sorting and packing.
I would make manners the law.
Holding doors, thanking people who hold doors, no pushing, making sure you indicate, please and thank you, no spitting, none of those lads walking around holding their plums.
Maybe I should just leave Liverpool.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 7:42, Reply)
Alright, lar.
All set for the move?
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 7:45, Reply)
No but I'm sure I will be...

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 7:51, Reply)
Have you got it in for greengrocers at the moment?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 7:48, Reply)
Right I have.
Dirty gets.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 7:52, Reply)
They should be hung to a man, merely for their multifarious crimes against the apostrophe.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:24, Reply)
*hanged

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:45, Reply)
You are of course right, and I apologise for any distress caused.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:50, Reply)
Hello Duckie
Now it is getting lighter, earlier in the mornings, it is easier to drag myself out of my pit.

Alt: I'd make a law that required people that annoy me to pay a tax. I'd be rich in a week. To enforce it, a simple punch in the face, would suffice.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 7:46, Reply)
Mornings are shit, early mornings are worse
I'm with roots on this one, whilst I'd hate to see Britain turned into a 'police state' it would be good to see spitting, threatening behaviour, loutishness etc quick and decisively punished.

/littlejohn
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 7:51, Reply)
I strictly Roots

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 7:52, Reply)
No pop, no style.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:00, Reply)
How are ya Jeff?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:21, Reply)
Cat Stevens' controversialzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:23, Reply)
I'm a morning person...
..raring to go as soon as I get out of bed. Unfortunately my G/F isn't, she's grumpy and zombified until about 10:30. Luckily we don't live together or she would have murdered me by now for my chirpy morning ways.

Alt: I would make using a mobile whilst walking an offence. Step out of the way of everyone (don't just stop in the middle of the pavement/doorway/stairs etc) and take your call. How would I enforce it? Snipers!
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:00, Reply)
Very much a morning person.
I would ban street fundraisers. I would enforce it by allowing anyone to stab one to death on sight.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:06, Reply)
I would ban ghastly portmanteau words like 'chugger', 'Jedward' and 'Brangelina',
and would publicly flog anyone using such an abomination of a term. You'd be first.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:39, Reply)
To what are you referring ?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:47, Reply)
If you mean 'to what are you referring?', I am referring to you, you SNEAKY LITTLE NINJA SHIT.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:49, Reply)
^ Failed abortion hallucinating right here ^

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:50, Reply)
Great name for a band.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:04, Reply)
Alarm?
It's the bloody fire alarm that's got me up this early. I had forgotten this time of day even existed.

Alt: You are allowed, with impunity, to throw sticks into the front wheels of anyone riding a fixed-gear bike without actually being a track cyclist.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:09, Reply)
You seem unconcerned that a fire alarm has just gone off.
Perhaps you should evacuate the building rather than be on the internet.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:18, Reply)
Nah
I live in uni halls. It was a test.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:18, Reply)
What is the pass mark?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:19, Reply)
It depends on how much work you put in
Essentially though it's "Not hitting Chris the warden in his smug Irish face"%.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:20, Reply)
I see. He sounds like a cunt too.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:22, Reply)
Worst of all the smug faces.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:40, Reply)
Your face is worse and so is YM's

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:57, Reply)
I rather like Yehudi Menuhin's face.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:00, Reply)
NO FAT CHIX

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:15, Reply)
But plenty o chipstix

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:18, Reply)
rainbow chipstix ahoy!

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:50, Reply)
I'd make protesting in London illegal
They can have a moan in a field somewhere
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:21, Reply)
I see that those dozy twits at St Pauls have had to go home, and can't pretend to sleep in their tents anymore.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:23, Reply)
Grubby cunts

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:28, Reply)
I read in last night's Standard that Boris is pledging to automate the underground by 2014.
For the first time in my life I am considering voting, just to show my support of this measure, the greedy, blackmailing cunts: I'd love it if they all lost their jobs.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:34, Reply)
\o/

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:42, Reply)
Liddlebiddapolitics.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:42, Reply)
Can you afford public transport? Don't you hitchhike everywhere now?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:46, Reply)
After work each night,
I hide in the lavatories until everyone's left and then huddle round the boiler for warmth, nicking food out of the fridge for my dinner. I only go home for weekends these days, to save on the Oyster.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:48, Reply)
Dinner? Don't you mean supper?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:49, Reply)
Technically I am 'dining out' so no.
Today looks like it might be fun on here.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:52, Reply)
Dining solo is classed as supper, regardless of location.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:53, Reply)
Have you got some kind of /OT psychic radar?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:54, Reply)
It's a forlorn hope that he may be entertained by a load of shutins today to blank out his miserable bankrupt depressing life.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:56, Reply)
I'm no shut in.
I even have to go out and get milk at some point today.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:59, Reply)
Take it steady, don't let it stress you out.
As you've not been out much - those large metal birds you'll see in the sky are aeroplanes. No need to point at them in awe when you're out.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:01, Reply)
I'm psyching myself up to it.
I've got my Ordnance Survey map and a rucksack full of all weather clothing and an emergency pop up tent, just in case I sprain my ankle on the way back and have to take shelter against the elements until I can be rescued.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:04, Reply)
Don't forget a fully charged mobile phone, a pen knife and a high visability jacket.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:06, Reply)
I actually do have a high vis jacket.
Standard issue in a previous job.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:09, Reply)
This is the truest thing I have ever read.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:59, Reply)
In general I am very much a morning person.
However today I have a streaming cold and would be in bed were it not for the generous terms of my lovely employer: I cannot afford to take a single day's sick until 2013 as I won't get paid for it. So WOE IS ME.

Alt: No benders, spazzers or foreigns.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:22, Reply)
Is that legal?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:27, Reply)
Yes. Three days paid, then fuck all.
Gotta love those Hebrews. So generous.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:32, Reply)
*leaves the country*

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:29, Reply)
Stop all the Wah Wah Wah Wah you great soft shite.
It's a cold, not malaria. Get a grip.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:30, Reply)
Maybe it's meningitis. Or AIDS.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:32, Reply)
No it's a cold you howling low intellect mincer. Sort yourself out.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:45, Reply)
We can but hope, eh?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:46, Reply)
Liver failure

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:50, Reply)
I prefer to think of it as 'liver success'

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:52, Reply)
I don't get ill
maybe you should try that?
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:53, Reply)
Dude,
you have a pretend 'comedy' identity on the internet, with a supporting cast of ficitious imbeciles with names like 'Tricky' and 'Sasha'. You are the most blatantly ill person on here.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:58, Reply)
duuuuuuuuuuuuuude
if you really think that, your the mentally ill one, tricky's behind me now making a sports drink, sasha went to work for a company in Tonbridge, and when she changed her facebook status to 'works at Fidelity' I replied with

'tahts not what i heard'
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:01, Reply)
Making a sports drink?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:01, Reply)
you know protein shake thing
he and malc set up a gym in our backroom and they've been getting their homoerotic on for months
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:03, Reply)
*does 'cuckoo' gesture*

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:05, Reply)
i don't know why you think they are fictional, this is quite troubling

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:10, Reply)
Cyclists should have to pass a 'driving test'
And pay road tax, have a license plate and must be insured like te driver of a car.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:23, Reply)
Cyclists should not be allowed to travel on roads.
They should use the pavement like pedestrians.
The speed difference between bicycles and cars is much greater than between pedestrians and bicycles.
Also, I would rather be a pedestrian who gets hit by a cyclist than a cyclist who gets hit by a car.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:58, Reply)
I'd rather be a pedestrian who sees a cyclist get hit by a car.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:00, Reply)
Well put.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:01, Reply)
Most car drivers should not be allowed to travel on roads.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:01, Reply)
I agree with this.
My original point was actually serious, I don't really have a problem with cyclists, apart from finding them mildly annoying like many motorists. I think it's a sensible idea.
I work in a rural area and spend an annoyingly large part of my drive to and from work crawling behind a cyclist waiting for a safe moment to overtake.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:05, Reply)
I live in a city with ample road space
and I spend an inordinate amount of time stuck behind motorists who are unwilling to overtake cyclists when there is clearly plenty of room. I'm sure the cyclist would be far happier to not have some spastic hovering by their back wheel too.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:11, Reply)
See also: meeting other cars head on, on a road with parked cars on it.
IF THEY CAN GET PAST YOU WHEN YOU ARE STATIONARY THEN SURELY THERE IS ENOUGH ROOM WHEN WE ARE MOVING TOO!!!
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:12, Reply)
I, er... have a lot of unresolved rage about some of these issues.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:13, Reply)
this is why you need badger for PM.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:19, Reply)
Spastics are people too :(

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:14, Reply)
Fuck off are they.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:14, Reply)
They are the modern equivalent of court jesters.
So it's OK to point and laugh; they actually get highly distressed if you don't as they feel they are not serving their purpose in life.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:18, Reply)
They are being punished for sins in previous lives
/Hoddlelols
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:19, Reply)
^ Posted purely for the enjoyment of the sound of Hoddlelols

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:20, Reply)
there's no such thing as road tax, though.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:10, Reply)
Mornings can fuck off.
particularly this morning as I am horrendously ill and my train is half an hour late. I'm much better at mornings than I used to be but I love my bed too much to ever bounce out of it willing and happy at 7am.
I think I'd go with Roots on this one, too. It'd be a real shame if you had to enforce manners by law rather than people having them because they enjoy being polite, but it should be a criminal offence to be a mannerless, obnoxious fuckwit.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:24, Reply)
I'd introduce a law
Stating that if you start a thread you've got to contribute to it.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:53, Reply)
Ha ha ha

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:54, Reply)
I'd introduce a law
stating that when someone replies to you earlier in a thread and you don't respond to their question as to whether you're alright, then you have to delete your account and kill yourself.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:07, Reply)
I have no time of day anymore
I have always been a night time person, enjoying that quiet bit of the day when everyone else has gone to bed and I can sit in peace and smoke a joint. The combination of having children and having to get up early for work has ruined this somewhat. Now I'm too knackered in the evening and still hate the mornings.

Alt: One law is not enough to effect the sort of changes I want to make.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:54, Reply)
The night time is the right time.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:06, Reply)
Alright Lisa Stanfield?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:07, Reply)
Errr, Ray Charles.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:10, Reply)
Are you calling Battered black?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:11, Reply)
He better fucking hadn't be.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:12, Reply)
Yup. And blind. And a smackhead.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:14, Reply)

blind. And a smackhead. the most intelligent and good looking person I have ever met in my life. Everyday I try to emulate him and always fail.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:16, Reply)

and always fail by walking around ON MY FUCKING KNEES
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:20, Reply)
Ha ha

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:21, Reply)

+ although I draw the line at the height thing; I'm not chopping my legs off at the knees just so as I could look at him squarely in the eyes.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:22, Reply)
I maintain that Monty's response wasn't there when I started typing the above reply
and I'd nipped to the kitchen to boil the kettle.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:24, Reply)
Sheena Easton lols.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:08, Reply)
i used to be a great morning person, i'd be up with the lark, speeding around like a hummingbird organising the rest of my day and putting my peers to shame
then i hit 28 and it all went downhill and i'd rather be in bed, it takes me til about 1pm to wake up fully
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:54, Reply)
the trouble with google reselling is that they don't know when you have gone through with an order
so they're still trying to sell me things i've already bougt and have no interest in buying again

stupid google
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 8:59, Reply)
Another diamond thong for sasha?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:00, Reply)
It started as a coal thong, but over several years the heat and pressure 'down there' created diamonds

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:01, Reply)
hahaha!
CLICK
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:02, Reply)
Hahaha

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:06, Reply)
Buttocks like irons

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:07, Reply)
slacker than mexican health and safety, i heard

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:09, Reply)
no its trying to sell me phones and holidays
i already have a phone and my holiday is booked
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:02, Reply)
Phone them up

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:00, Reply)
no number on their contact page :(
we've done this
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:02, Reply)
I bet google is run by ugly gingers

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:04, Reply)
Bobby would love it

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:05, Reply)

google B3ta

:O
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:05, Reply)
Hahah
Bobby would totally fuck rob and be glad of it
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:07, Reply)

be glad of it eat him as a post coital snack
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:07, Reply)
You have fat pushing on the part of your brain responsible for conciousness

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:00, Reply)
i believe you are correct, but i am proud of my belly

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:01, Reply)
I'm not a morning person, takes me at least 3 snoozes of my phone alarm before I get up in the morning
I used to rather enjoy getting up and having a really hot shower within about a minute of getting out of bed, but my housemate has beaten me to that 3 times in the last 2 weeks, which is starting to get frustrating now.

Alt: I'd abolish Sunday trading laws, as they're utterly fucking pointless.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:00, Reply)

morning fully functioning
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:05, Reply)
Shut it, flidmo

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:08, Reply)
The grass cutting service for differently able gardeners.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:11, Reply)
Hahaha

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:14, Reply)
man, people are on form today
*cricket applause*
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:21, Reply)
Mornings can get to fuck.
I need 3 ciggies and a litre of coffee before conversation can start.

Alt: I would introduce an extra 1p income tax that went to me.

On a different note, there is a girl in the Metro that won an Oscar that I went to school with. She was in The Artist. A very nice girl as I recall.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:04, Reply)
she probably did it to spite you

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:08, Reply)
She has striven for Oscar glory all her life to impress me.
In the hope that we might become romantically involved.

Meh, I'd lend her one.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:12, Reply)
and we'd all be grateful

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:22, Reply)
+ quiet though.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:08, Reply)
POTD.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:11, Reply)
Keller, I think her name is.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:13, Reply)
"Speak up...."

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:14, Reply)
Pardon?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:15, Reply)
she could actually speak though. soz.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:17, Reply)
The lazy bitch.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:23, Reply)
You went to school with an Oscar?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:12, Reply)
Oh yes.
You couldn't move for Oscars where I lived.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:14, Reply)


(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:14, Reply)
Stop posting photos of Monty's house!

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:15, Reply)

house daughter
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:19, Reply)
Wrong muppet

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:47, Reply)


(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:19, Reply)
Seamless

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:20, Reply)
It's uncanny.
You'd never be able to tell it was 'shopped if it wasn't for the fact that his face is a completely different fucking colour.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:25, Reply)
Done in powerpoint.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:27, Reply)
what has Eric Idle
Done to deserve being photoshopped in such a cruel way?
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 10:07, Reply)
depends how much I've had to drink the night before, mostly
Alt: I dunno, but I'd probably make the driving test about 10 times as difficult to get the mouth-breaters off the road.

that and close all the corporation tax loopholes but lower the actual rate.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:15, Reply)
I'd jail that fucker in charge of Barclays to set an example.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:16, Reply)
Can I add an amendment to your bill to include a retest every two years?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:17, Reply)
absolutely. I was going to go for 5 but 2 is cool.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:18, Reply)
Fuck. I've just discovered something truly bloody awful about myself
As appalled as I am to admit it, I really like that famous Chris Isaak song. As in, really like it.

I'm the worst kind of ghastly bender.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:18, Reply)
wicked game? it's a good song.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:18, Reply)
Attempted vindication by the habitual wearer of pink socks.
My life as an aggressively heterosexual Hemingway-esque drinker and fighter is over. To be replaced by long-haired cats and fashion magazines.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:22, Reply)
It's those that fear pink that should be concerned for their heterosexuality.
I prescribe going and wrestling a bear.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:25, Reply)
My bear wrestling days are over.
Unless you mean the type that wears leather, of course.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:31, Reply)
I was on holiday in San Diego a few years back.
And Chris Isaak was playing a gig at the hotel I was staying in (they had an outdoor concert arena in the grounds). I spent a very pleasant evening in the hot tub with a few drinks listening to him without all that tedious mucking about with paying for tickets.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:28, Reply)
Was your hot tub also a time machine?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:28, Reply)
No. Imagine that.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:30, Reply)
disappointing
you could have been like a bent(er) and wetter doctor who
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:30, Reply)
A doctor who what?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:37, Reply)
travels back in time to bum his teenage self

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:41, Reply)
Oh. And I'm writing again.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:20, Reply)
Wicked Game?
*Edit* beaten to it.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:20, Reply)
You should hear DJ Riz of The Crooklyn Clan’s mix of that tune over the beat of Pete Rock and CL Smooth’s ‘The Creator’. You really should.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:26, Reply)
you just made all those people up.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:26, Reply)
The Crooklyn Clan had a UK number one single.
Pete Rock is in most top ten lists of all time great hip hop producers.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:28, Reply)
STOP MAKING UP LIES ABOUT PEOPLE WHO DON'T EXIST

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:29, Reply)
I'm being facetious
or something
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:30, Reply)
Yeah, and 'Hawkwind' are a 'real band'.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:30, Reply)
hawkwind and fire, you say?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:32, Reply)
STOP THIS

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:34, Reply)
'Fusion' tribute acts never really work, do they?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:35, Reply)
and on those grounds alone Atomic Kitten should be put to sleep.
/nuclearlols
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:37, Reply)
i was a big fan back in the day

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:46, Reply)

fan + ny

You still are.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:57, Reply)
fanfanny?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:59, Reply)
Find me a you tube link and I shall.
This is funny for two reasons. Firstly, I expect that remix exists only in the darker recesses of your record collection and, secondly, the idea of you attempting to use something like the internet brings to mind the image of a chimp attempting to repair a nuclear reactor.

I expect you only stumbled onto this site because your daughter showed you how to make the mouse work.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:28, Reply)
I expect that you are a bender.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:32, Reply)
Welcome to ten minutes ago, Monty

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:33, Reply)
Mornings are bent.
I woke up about half an hour ago and I can just about focus on my phone screen now. I'm not what you might call a morning person. Unfortunately, being the child of a morning person, I have a long history of being made to feel bad about this.

And what's with people who keep telling me I've missed half the day? Does their day finish at noon? Smug, chirpy, morning bastards.

Alt: I'd tax moaning.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:22, Reply)
Tracey's back in today! WOOP!
looking devastating in her turquois boots and purple cardigan i hasten to add, gaddamn!
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:30, Reply)
Isn't Tracey the one who looks like a leather satchel?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:32, Reply)
nonono, thats jacqui, who i saw on my way into work and now everyone thinks we're having an affair LOL
(jaqcui is full time, tracey comes and goes as she pleases)
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:32, Reply)
Is Tracey a cleaner?
She sounds like a cleaner.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:33, Reply)
Tracey is probably the classiest, most sophisticated woman we've ever had working ehre
except for irene, who looks like lady di
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:34, Reply)
Pre or post coffin?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:35, Reply)

coffin concrete pillar
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:35, Reply)
i'd say pre
irene is a lovely older lady (not like in a sexy way), and she's quite shy and really pleasant. she's a good person, you know?
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:36, Reply)
She sounds like a cleaner

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:35, Reply)

cleaner symptom of his schizo mental illness
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:36, Reply)
SHE IS REAL

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:37, Reply)
Yes dear.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:39, Reply)
>:/

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:36, Reply)
She comes and goes as she pleases.
And her name is Tracey. With an "e"
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:38, Reply)
i'd have said tracy without the e was less classy
although she did get her hubcaps stolen in essex and she supports chelsea, maybe she isn't so classy after all
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:41, Reply)
I'm pretty sure
"having your hubcaps stolen in Essex" is a euphemism but I dread to think what for.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:45, Reply)
anal virginity?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:46, Reply)
I don't think they have a euphemism for that.
no real need.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:47, Reply)
Bit of a scrubber, I heard.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:37, Reply)
D:<~

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:37, Reply)
Course she is.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:33, Reply)
she is, she's sat at a desk to my rear left now, and will be wroking on malc's desk soon, next to me
WOOP!
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:35, Reply)
If you are the MD/CEO/King of your company, then why do you sit with the plebs?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:37, Reply)
Because really he's using the internet in Dorking library whilst waiting for the coach to pick him up.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:39, Reply)
we have an open plan office, my desk is sort of set to the side, as is the other directors kev and joe

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:40, Reply)
'Kev' and 'Joe' now, is it?
They're new.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:40, Reply)
they're not new, they've been here for years

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:41, Reply)
Sure they have.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:41, Reply)
we founded the company in 1998, took a few years to make a profit though

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:42, Reply)
Yes, that's right.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:44, Reply)
it is

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:45, Reply)
and what does this "company" do?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:47, Reply)
Don't encourage him.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:48, Reply)
I want to see how much bullshit he's capable of.
I still reckon he's Bert.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:49, Reply)
we do legal and accounts
or rather the people we employ do while we take their money
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:53, Reply)
Course you do.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:56, Reply)
"we" being him and his head dobber.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:57, Reply)
i dopn't like you people anymore, i'm going home with your bullying

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:58, Reply)
I'm going home with your 'Sasha'

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:59, Reply)
even she has more taste than that

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:59, Reply)
He runs a sock manufacturing company.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:50, Reply)
Haha
Does he sew the googly eyes on?
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:51, Reply)
socks, not sock puppets damn you!"

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:52, Reply)
just for jeff
i don't need much sleep so i'm always up early and happy about it, and always late to bed and happy about that too.

law? lots of good suggestions on here. getting rid of the filthy inept greedy cunting tube drivers (last night's was a peach, he only announced the change in destination AFTER we left earl's court, meaning i ended up in the arse end of nowhere in sw london, the useless cunt) is my favourite.

so long as the law includes making bob crow the first person to be hung, drawn and quartered this century, i'm on board with that.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:31, Reply)

www.b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1542893
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:32, Reply)
pictures are hung, people are hanged
however, hung drawn and quartered is the exception, sorry dude. because the victim was not "hanged by the neck until dead" - he was strung up for a bit, then cut down, drawn through the streets, and finally disembowelled. his internal parts were burned and the body cut into four pieces, which were then displayed around various parts of the city. if the executioner was particularly skilful, the poor sod was still alive to watch his own entrails burn.

actually, now i see it written down, that's nowhere near enough for bob crow.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:35, Reply)
Why would that be an exception?
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hanged,_drawn_and_quartered
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:39, Reply)
pass
i've only ever seen it as "hung" - there's even a pub called "the hung drawn and quartered". i'd have to do more googling than this morning's workload would allow!
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:49, Reply)
Directly opposite where I sit. I can see it right now.
True story.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:53, Reply)
funny little pub that is
mmm. pub.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:55, Reply)
surely you're still on water?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:55, Reply)
mostly yeah
have had the occasional treat. i got corrupted by a b3tan a couple of weeks ago. and i have a client lunch on thu. but generally it's been nil by mouth since new year.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:56, Reply)
"makes a comment about stunned's 'patch' being the pavement outside a pub"

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:55, Reply)
Watch out for the sick, that's my lunch.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 10:00, Reply)
Could you pop over there and tell them it is "hanged"?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:55, Reply)
my very basic understanding was that "hanged" meant "until dead"
but i'd have to do some criminal legal research to establish the actual position. and i can't see my clients accepting that on the bill!
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:56, Reply)
LEAVE BOB CROW ALONE.
YOU'RE KILLING HIM!!!!
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:39, Reply)
I should hope so too
even as a borderline socialist I think the man is the worst kind of hypocrtical cunt.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:43, Reply)
Piggy-eyed sack of shit.


I don't mind Bob Crow thoughLOLOLOLOLOL
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:45, Reply)
i say.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:46, Reply)
Yeah? Well...
you're a fucking cunt.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:53, Reply)
I sure am. Yes siree.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:59, Reply)
sadly not
this voodoo doll isn't working
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:49, Reply)
cut out the middleman and just shove the fucking pins in him.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:51, Reply)
i would
but he's too fat to feel it :(
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:55, Reply)
I can get you some really big pins.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:56, Reply)
They're swords, aren't they?

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:58, Reply)

I call 'em pins..
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 10:01, Reply)
i bet every one of your ex boyfriends thought the same about you

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:58, Reply)
I'm quite enjoying that documentary series about the tube at the moment.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 9:47, Reply)
I found the revenue protection officers a bit depressing
they only seem to catch the idiots and poor people.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 10:02, Reply)
thats what they're for

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 10:05, Reply)
I know but there are loads of people wagging the fare
who, if a little smart, get away with it. The officers were catching morons.
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 10:27, Reply)
They were a bit.
Last week's was a sad indictment on the "I don't give a fuck about anyone" attitude of people when that poor bint got stabbed and thrown on the track so they had to close the station, much to the annoyance one particularly hard faced cow. "But how am I supposed to get to Hammersmith?"
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 10:06, Reply)
She's got a point, well made

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 10:11, Reply)
Bob crow is a cock, a big fat cock, the biggest damned cock in the whole wide world.
/ac
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 10:03, Reply)
Someone start a new thread ffs

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 10:13, Reply)
I would make people who use the word 'trending' drink bleach.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 10:16, Reply)
Ent that Battered speak, he laps that shit up from his twitter feed or twitter desk or whatever the fuck it's called

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 10:17, Reply)
soz 'tweetdeck'

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 10:18, Reply)
Christ alive.

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 10:20, Reply)
I see you are "quending" on Twitter

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 10:22, Reply)
hahaha, perfect

(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 10:23, Reply)
In other news, I've found a site for Kroney
cookingwithpoo.com/ - SFW
(, Tue 28 Feb 2012, 10:18, Reply)

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