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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Good morning
What does the day hold in store for you?

Perhaps the highlight will be sniffing the dried blood in your mum's pants (you know, the stains you *really* like, that only happen when she's forgotten to change her cunt rag) it's a real treat for you isn't it? In fact, if you had the chance you'd probably eat some black pudding made with her menstrual remains. Go on. Admit it.

Perhaps it'll be something as mundane as planning what you'll have for lunch, or hoping that your boss will have a mild cardiac infarction.

Whatever it is. Share it.
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 6:59, Reply)
bad cover version of Boyce.

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 7:07, Reply)
That's the intention. Getting in there with something like this before he does

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 7:23, Reply)
10 points.

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 7:27, Reply)
This is way more unpleasant than any of my efforts.
Plus you have failed to work the suggestion into the lyrics of a popular song, in which the listener is exhorted to imagine or picture something.

2/10 see me
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 8:23, Reply)
I had something even more unpleasant in mind, but this will be saved for another occasion.

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 8:29, Reply)
maybe he had started to think
Then sunk into the paper, like he was ink.
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 8:31, Reply)
I see monty 2 claimed go be you last night
I'm so confused monty
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 8:36, Reply)
Al is fake Monty.

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 8:38, Reply)
When I first arrived I thought Al and Bert were the same person
thy followed each other around and posted very similarly
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 8:43, Reply)
Teeheehee look at my willy, no look at your willy cos I'm holding it with your mums hand teeheehee
rinse and repeat
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 8:45, Reply)
Some of the posts last night from fake Boyce seemed to be written in the exactly the same style as Al.

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 8:46, Reply)
Please note, the definition of popular is quite different from the standard accepted definition of the word.
In fact, popular, implying lots of people have has had access to it, is disqualifide if its sold more than 150 copies (80% of them being to family of the band).
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:59, Reply)
This post has made me feel ill.
I can't even finish my cup of tea now :(
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 7:38, Reply)
I almost couldn't finish my black pudding and egg butty
due to my stonk on, obviously.
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 7:48, Reply)
Nice.
The sandwich that is. Not your boner.
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 8:11, Reply)
You love it you filthy minx

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 8:28, Reply)
At least you're not drinking a bloody mary

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 8:55, Reply)
Ewww. Dude.

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 8:19, Reply)
Grim
aeriously grim. My plans for the day now no longer include finishing my breakfast...
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 8:24, Reply)
Morning Battered
Just because your mental mother insists on throwing her grundies in your face, doesn't mean it'll send the rest of us to def con bongle.

My plan for today is to work my arse off, as we're rather busy atm, then head to the pub later to meet a friend, possibly after a haircut.
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 8:36, Reply)
*drops monacle*
*wipes mothers period off monacle*
*wanders off to make tea*
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 8:37, Reply)
*spells 'monocle'*

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 8:59, Reply)
have a biscuit to congratulate yourself

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:02, Reply)
I can't go on like this

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 8:42, Reply)
It's the 40th anniversary today of David Bowies eponymous album "spiders from Mars"
How will you be celebrating?
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 8:44, Reply)
Cheeky lunch out with "the OC" and run through of thge whole album i reckon

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 8:46, Reply)
I'm drinking a pint of milk to counteract the whisky
I feel like I'm going to puke, someone will notice something eventually, they can't be that dense. Can they?
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 8:56, Reply)
oh it's you

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 8:57, Reply)
How is that "eponymous"?

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:05, Reply)
fine thank you

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:06, Reply)
I was once again woken at 5am by the miniape
I'm fucking knackerd
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 8:54, Reply)
Don't worry
They only do the 5am starts for a couple of years. Three at the most. Unless you are really unlucky...
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:06, Reply)
But she was perfect, then she got this stupid cold and it's ruined everything

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:07, Reply)
The good times are over I'm afraid.

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:09, Reply)
*cries from shear exhaustion*

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:10, Reply)
Is she a sheep?

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:10, Reply)
look, I can't spell at the best of times, let alone when sleep is but a distant memorry

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:11, Reply)
I feel your sleep pain
but not today! Two days in a row, slept like a corpse

like with
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:12, Reply)
Can you put her back in the right grave this time?
Took me fucking hours to find her last time.
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:13, Reply)
My name is Jack
I'm a necrophiliac
I fuck dead women
'cos they're better than the living
I get frustrated
When they get cremated
'cos fuckings a must
....and you can't fuck dust
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:14, Reply)
'no, I'm just having a shit!'

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:15, Reply)
It looks as though I may have to actually do some work today
My boss came in this morning bristling with excitement at things he wishes me to get sorted. Doesn't he understand my apathy?
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:07, Reply)
meh

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:10, Reply)
That was precisely my point to him!

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:16, Reply)
Morning my fellow shut-ins
I shall be avoiding an unwanted 6 hour round trip to Manchester today for a meeting in which I "may" be asked one question.

I shall also be eating peanut butter on toast and drinking coffee. In fact, I'm doing this right now. At my desk. Naked. And wanking
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:09, Reply)
go on...

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:10, Reply)
I'm almost halfway through it now....

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:10, Reply)
express how far through you are as a percentage...

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:12, Reply)
75% now for toast, 10% for coffee

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:13, Reply)
Nyahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
100% for wank....
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:13, Reply)
oh, right of course
marnin' sporters!
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:14, Reply)
Good morning Mr Ape
Apart from sleep deprivation, how the fuck are you?
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:15, Reply)
not bad, moving flat on thursday through the weekend
I had a look at th plans yesterday an although the new flat only has 1 additional bedroom, it is almost twice the size of our current place.
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:17, Reply)
This is good
Next week is all house stuff for us. New front door, new wardrobes, painting, etc....
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:17, Reply)
i like grey front doors

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:18, Reply)
...and you can-not lie.

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:27, Reply)
Well that's a good raisin to move.
EDIT you sneaky ninja shit
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:18, Reply)
way
way too slow
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:19, Reply)
You truly are.

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:19, Reply)
Well seeing as I out ninjad you I fear you may be in trouble
morning Montigue
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:20, Reply)
Morning Nakie-poos.
How's the nipper?
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:23, Reply)
Thanks for the reply you wanker.

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:36, Reply)
My wordpress plugin got accepted by Facebook to allow Frictionless Sharing yesterday, the site I created it for had a 300% increase in traffic since it was enabled, and I can easily roll that out to the comercial coresites...
... and I've had two PMs from people asking me to name my price for it already, as far as I can tell, I'm the first person to do it successfully.

Having an operation later on today, simple local anesthetic thing, cutting out some stuff on my head. Won't take more than 15 minutes, hopefully I can get some extra opiats out of it. Might have to shave my hair, I'll see how patchy it looks afterwards.

I totally rock the big one.
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:16, Reply)
1: What the fuck does your first paragraph mean?
2: what the fuck is growing on your head?
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:18, Reply)
Basiclly, you know this "Read an article BLAH BLAH on BLAH BLAH" that comes up on facebook for the big-name newspapers...
... I can do the same thing, except I think my version is better because it's easy to unshare and turn it off, where as on the big-name versions it isn't.

I donno, I got these two holes that I've had for about 3 years that I've had from an anxiety head-scratching thing. They're getting cut out and burnt over.
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:34, Reply)
Sounds sexy.

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:51, Reply)
which part?
The Facebook part or the head like a hole?
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:11, Reply)
Exactly.

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:16, Reply)
You are having a lobotomy?

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:21, Reply)
what he really needs is a bottomy

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:21, Reply)
2/10
And I'm being generous here.
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:23, Reply)
If there is no grass in the pitch then roll her around and play on the ground.

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:37, Reply)
I'm getting my staples out today.
That'll be fun.
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:26, Reply)
Good day, Mightron.

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:26, Reply)
pervert

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:30, Reply)
Ask if you can keep them!
I've got a few of mine in a jar - the nurse washed the crud off them first though.
How many are you having out?
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:30, Reply)
You should expect the scar to be really itchy afterwards.

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:35, Reply)
They're great, 'cus you're all like "OH MY GOD, THIS IS GOING TO HURT, THEY'RE GOING TO CUT METAL OUT OF MY BODY".
But they don't hurt at all, sometimes they pinch a bit when the skin has grown over them.

I want to get a magnettic bar put in my hand after reading an article about magnettic implants.
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:36, Reply)
The two lower ones in the back of my neck were awful
They'd almost completely submerged in the skin so I was given the choice of either:-
A/ having a local and them being cut out - which would have meant more stitches or
B/ having them cut with snips and picked out piecemeal.

I opted for B/

It was a bit weird hearing them being snipped up but all was successful!
And you're right, the scar will itch like a bastard for a while!
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:41, Reply)
I thought you were ok, man.

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:31, Reply)
Today has been spent studying, sleeping, and working with clostridium cultures.
And then I baked an apple pie. The apple pie was gooooood.
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:31, Reply)
Mmm...Black Pudding

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:45, Reply)
blech.

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:46, Reply)
With a hint of kipper

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:52, Reply)
+ tie
Oww yiss
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:54, Reply)
Good morning Al.

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:56, Reply)
Hi Betty

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:57, Reply)
Uh-Oh, We're In Trouble,
Something's Come Along And It's Burst Our Bubble
Yeah, Yeah! Uh-Oh, We're In Trouble,
Gotta Get Home Quick March On The Double!
We've Been Out All Night And We Havn't Been Home,
We're Walkin' Through The Back Streets ...All Alone!
The Party Was Great, Yeah We Were Really Frilled!
And When We Get In We're Gonna Get Killed!
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:49, Reply)
Sham and indeed Poo

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:03, Reply)
FUCKING HELL ENGLAND HOW HARD IS IT TO THROW A BAT AT A BALL
Today I will also be bemoaning my diet, and possibly buying some shoes.
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:54, Reply)
ffs
shoes masculinity
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:56, Reply)
I'm terribly sorry, I don't know who you are
Now fuck off
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:58, Reply)

off me up the Oxo tower
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:01, Reply)
Have you got some kind of tired meme checklist that you're ticking off?
Quick, call Battered short, that's a classic
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:04, Reply)
Or call Chompy a rapist. That one never fails.

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:06, Reply)
We're delving back into "/OT - The Golden Years" now
I'm not sure this impostor has been lurking enough to pick up all the great hits of yesteryear
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:08, Reply)
All your favourite hits
The B69 mortgage payment.
The Bert meltdown.
Rory's classics. The best of the trolling from our own top troll.
The Cat Hater outs himself as Bert.
Al breaking the internet by sitting on it.
Battered flouncing.
Darths favourite homo accusations.
A selection of Gonz's top recipes.
Chompy's newslinks

And many, many more.

Available now for a limited period on blue ray DVD. Don't miss out on this amazing opportunity to own a copy of '/OT - The Golden Years'
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:19, Reply)
I'm not a rapist

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:08, Reply)
Can you prove this?

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:11, Reply)
yes
he can spell
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:14, Reply)
*applauds*
I like this
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:15, Reply)
i have my suspicion as to who it is
but my lips are sealed.

i don't THINK it's al, though. but i've been wrong before.
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:20, Reply)
Ah go on tell us,
there's nothing else going on.
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:22, Reply)
no because it's just my idea and i'm probably wrong
and you know me, i'm not one to stir things.
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:25, Reply)
I think even if you are wrong it will be amusing
Just think of all the fun to be had with denials, counter-accusations, etc.
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:29, Reply)
I vote Al

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:23, Reply)
What will it take to unseal your lips?
Apart from an attractive, high-earning homosexual
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:23, Reply)
I'm not sure you earn enough money old bean

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:24, Reply)
haha

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:25, Reply)
fake monty wrote a similar reply but deleted it
who would do a thing like that?
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:26, Reply)
hmmmm i didn't see that
my suspicions are increasing!
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:29, Reply)
I probably shouldn't say this
But at times I get so scared
When I think about the previous
Relationship we've shared

It was awesome but we lost it
It's not possible for me not to care
And now we're standing in the rain
But nothing's ever gonna change until you hear, my dear

The 7 things I hate about you

The 7 things I hate about you (oh you)
You're vain, your games, you're insecure
You love me, you like her
You make me laugh, you make me cry
I don't know which side to buy
Your friends they're jerks
And when you act like them, just know it hurts
I wanna be with the one I know
And the 7th thing I hate the most that you do
You make me love you

It's awkward and silent
As I wait for you to say
But what I need to hear now
Is your sincere apology
And when you mean it, I'll believe it
If you text it, I'll delete it
Let's be clear
Oh I'm not coming back
You're taking 7 steps here

And compared to all the great things
That would take too long to write
I probably should mention
The 7 that I like

The 7 things I like about you
Your hair, your eyes, your old Levi's
And when we kiss, I'm hypnotized
You make me laugh, you make me cry
But I guess that's both I'll have to buy
Your hand in mine
When we're intertwined everything's alright
I want to be
With the one I know
And the 7th thing I like the most that you do
You make me love you
You do (oh)
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:31, Reply)
You fancy me

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:31, Reply)
the ex is on holiday and watching the cricket
but he is cheering for SL, so he keeps sending me gleeful messages.
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:58, Reply)
Send him one back
"You're a cunt"

Feel free to embellish this with your personal reasons for thinking so
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 9:59, Reply)
anyone but england, basically
he's the same with football. i think it's more a reaction against the fans than the team. or something. i'd probably tuned out by then.
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:02, Reply)
He's a twat.

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:04, Reply)
yes
i suspect there may be some truth in this
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:05, Reply)
Well, at least he's an Ex.
I'd have felt bad if I'd have had to tell you your current gay boyfriend was a twat. I'd have done it, but I'd have felt bad.
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:08, Reply)
Every time you tell me anything about this fellow I find him ever more objectionable
I suggest you invite him round for coitus and set fire to his pubes
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:05, Reply)
I suspect that if they are throwing the bat at the ball, this may be what is causing the problem.

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:00, Reply)
The way they're batting I reckon a b3ta XI could do better
The sledging would be something to behold
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:02, Reply)
It would have to be an OT XI
If you opened it up to QOTWers you'd just get eleven people repeating the biscuit line as if they'd just invented it.
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:03, Reply)
Good point
I bet Al's running between the wickets is most impressive
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:06, Reply)
I can't bat
but I can bowl, i hope this helps
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:18, Reply)
I think you're perfectly well aware that a paucity of bowlers is not the problem
Poor old Jimmy Anderson, takes a five-fer and finds himself padded up and at the crease inside two hours, outscores most of the specialist batsmen and has to bowl again.
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:29, Reply)
someone's gotta do it

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:31, Reply)
With this attitude I can't understand why you're not chairman of selectors

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:35, Reply)
as you've asked: 1 - ringing the other side to make them see that their client is being a cunt and trying to save my client £50k in court fees
2 - drafting a formal letter of instruction to an expert witness
3 - training session on options and SDLT
4 - drafting advice on a conditional break option (substantial compliance, aka nightmare)
5 - costs estimate for a 2M claim

etc etc.

sorry you asked? i bet.
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:04, Reply)
Personally I find stamp duty land tax to be fascinating.
This may be a lie.
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:05, Reply)
yes
this is why i shall be sleeping through that half of the session. it's not even what i DO, ffs!
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:09, Reply)
Anyone think this girl's name is a geordy confirming the right type of glue for making collages?
www.change.org/petitions/amanpreet-and-d-must-stay-in-the-uk
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:08, Reply)
Would you like to swing on a star
Carry moonbeams home in a jar
And be better off than you are
Or would you rather be a mule?

A mule is an animal with long funny ears
Kicks up at anything he hears
His back is brawny and his brain is weak
He's just plain stupid with a stubborn streak
And by the way, if you hate to go to school
You may grow up to be a mule

Or would you like to swing on a star
Carry moonbeams home in a jar
And be better off than you are
Or would you rather be a pig?

A pig is an animal with dirt on his face
His shoes are a terrible disgrace
He ain't got no manners when he eats his food
He's fat and lazy and extremely rude
But if you don't care a feather or a fig
You may grow up to be a pig

Or would you like to swing on a star
Carry moonbeams home in a jar
And be better off than you are
Or would you rather be a fish?

A fish won't do anything, but swim in a brook
He can't write his name or read a book
And to fool the people is his only thought
And though he's slippery, he still gets caught
But then if that sort of life is what you wish
You may grow up to be a fish

And all the monkeys aren't in the zoo
Every day you meet quite a few
So you see it's all up to you
You can be better than you are
You could be swingin' on a star
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:13, Reply)
reindeer goat cheese pizza?

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:15, Reply)
Are you having some kind of breakdown, PJ?

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:15, Reply)
Breakdown
Let me hear it now
Breakdown
Let me hear it now
Yeah
Breakdown
Let me hear it now
Breakdown
Let me hear it now
Get down with yo' bad self
Alright
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:17, Reply)
On a similar note
a8.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/541724_3260269258182_1010686405_3171500_1261971036_n.jpg
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:17, Reply)
i hate people

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:19, Reply)
If only you'd known this before you married her...

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:20, Reply)
And now I'm a vampire
woe is indeed me
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:22, Reply)
Arghhhhhhhhh

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:19, Reply)
arrrrgh come on, that's just Nasty.

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:28, Reply)
i'm pretty sure you're all vampires here, i feel my life force draining when i read your posts

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:28, Reply)
"vampire tea bags"

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:29, Reply)
Be careful with those teeth

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:30, Reply)
How bad is it
that the thing that made me "FFS" the most about that whole article is that the author has listed her surname as Cullen?
(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:40, Reply)
THIS IS SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT

(, Tue 27 Mar 2012, 10:23, Reply)

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