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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Would you believe, they put a man on the moon?
Would you also believe that I just had your mum up the old 'Bourneville Boulevard' and nearly got my bollocks in too?

You should do, because it's true. Her gaping 'Gadd' is fucking ruined. Her farts just sound like yawns now. Like a broken hovercraft.

EDIT: make up a plausible term for a deviant sexual act. I just made up 'the hairy sunglasses'. Now you.
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 16:52, Reply)
I am very, very bored indeed.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 16:55, Reply)
extreme dangerwank.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 16:56, Reply)
I might run into my boss's office and give him the old 'hairy sunglasses'.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 16:57, Reply)
I don't know what this is
but I can guess. Does it involve dangling your clockweights in front of his eyes?
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:00, Reply)
Yes.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:00, Reply)
set fire to your beard

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 16:57, Reply)
She's at home.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 16:59, Reply)
Answer my gaz then you fukken prick

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:08, Reply)
Do her farts sound like yawns or a broken hovercraft?
easy on the similies "Spanky"
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 16:57, Reply)
Hahahah the ultimate insult.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 16:58, Reply)
Sorry, the ultimate insult is 'NakedApe'.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 16:59, Reply)
too late!
yesssssssssssssssssssss
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 16:59, Reply)
'done it on a plate'

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:02, Reply)
they sound like Liam Neeson chasing chickens in a barrel.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:09, Reply)
i wish my bum were as big as my mums
I'd feel less like a linebacker and my jeans would fit better
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 16:58, Reply)
Are these song lyrics?

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 16:59, Reply)
country music is shit these days

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 16:59, Reply)
YOUWOULDNTKNOWWOULDYOU!!!!!!!11INFINITY!!!

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:03, Reply)
no

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:02, Reply)
Well they should be.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:05, Reply)
my life is a song

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:08, Reply)
Springsteen, then?

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:06, Reply)
he looks after his own, apparently
selfish cunt.
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:08, Reply)
wanking over "Harvey"
or to indulge in a "sticky black spastic"
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 16:59, Reply)
I call that 'paying the Price'

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:00, Reply)
i've just taken my girlfriend up the boyce

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:04, Reply)
How does she smell?

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:07, Reply)
ciabatta

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:08, Reply)
ciabatta, ciabatta, ciabat.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:10, Reply)
Ciabattus etc.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:11, Reply)
can you decline "ciabatta" ?

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:14, Reply)
Sure.
'No ciabatta for me, thanks'

LOLOLOLOLOL
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:16, Reply)
ROFL.
the "reverse Latin misundertanding"

A neglected arm of comedy, I've always felt.
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:19, Reply)
It so is.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:26, Reply)
in this instance 'boyce' means woolworths
as in 'financially fucked'
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:08, Reply)
As in 'an institution loved by children', you mean?

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:10, Reply)
yeah they love your penny chews

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:13, Reply)
pipe lagging

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:10, Reply)
You're not really trying here.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:11, Reply)
not really

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:12, Reply)
does that involve wrapping a cock in neoprene for some reason?

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:13, Reply)
Don't pretend you don't know.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:15, Reply)
to make it 'larp safe' perhaps?

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:15, Reply)
Is that what you call it?

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:20, Reply)
well you need at least
5 milimeters of foam over the solid core
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:21, Reply)
5mm of foam isn't going to do much to protect you if it's wrapped around a fuckoff sword, is it?


or someone's cock
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:22, Reply)
there's not usually a real sword inside
and I ain't seen a cock in some time
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:24, Reply)
boo.
to both.
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:25, Reply)
woot, larp is in the OED
www.oed.com/view/Entry/329843
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:11, Reply)
Woot indeed. Woot, I say. Woot.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:12, Reply)
I don't really say 'woot'.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:12, Reply)
you reply to yourself a lot
does more than one person use your account like with me?
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:13, Reply)
Not any more. I nicked my name back - now everyone wants to be you instead.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:17, Reply)
thats not what i meant

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:25, Reply)
i knew this would cheer you up
our kind are now validated
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:12, Reply)
Don't tar me with your madey-uppy world of nonsense.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:13, Reply)
spatchcock

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:17, Reply)
OK
Don't spatchcock me with your madey-uppy world of nonsense.

Happy now?
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:19, Reply)
s'pose
now click the little sound icon link by the word. This makes me giggle every time
www.thefreedictionary.com/spatchcock
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:20, Reply)
That wasn't funny...
...the first time.


But by the time I'd made her say it 8 times in a row it was fucking hilarious, thank you.
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:21, Reply)
her?
it's a him when I do it
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:24, Reply)
Nope, definitely a woman.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:24, Reply)
that's weird

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:25, Reply)
oh wait!
if you click the emglish and american ones it's different than the blue one by the word itself
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:25, Reply)
So it is.
That bloke sounds incredibly creepy saying that.
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:29, Reply)
No sound at work, sadly.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:25, Reply)
I WORK IN A LIBRARY!!!!!!!!!!

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:25, Reply)
i didn't know you could read

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:37, Reply)
A SpankyHanky
It means jizzing into a hanky and then showing it to friends and family members at an important function such as a wedding.

oh, wait, you said 'plausible'
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:12, Reply)
the "surprise plasterer"
where, whilst taking ones ladyfriend from behind and approaching the vinegars, you pull out and spit on her back. Assuming that you've finished, she'll turn round, and you can immediately go full fathom spaff in her face.
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:12, Reply)
Fucking hell, it's Monty's Profanisauraus

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:15, Reply)
Now that is an excellent idea.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:17, Reply)
if it was a profanisauraus it should really have been "approaching the billy mill roundabout"

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:18, Reply)
When I spaff in a girl's face I like to simultaneously yell
"HADOUKEN!"
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:16, Reply)
No you don't.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:17, Reply)
he probably does, you know.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:18, Reply)
No, I apologise profusely as it's usually an accident.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:18, Reply)
on the underground.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:19, Reply)
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry madam
"I was aiming for the chap to your left"
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:20, Reply)
Oh, man, that actually made me properly laugh.
good work for a wednesday.
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:21, Reply)
Hahahaha

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:23, Reply)
Set your phasers to "spunk"

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:28, Reply)
That's a 'Paul Daniels'
Only you're supposed to accompany it with the phrase 'That's magic!'
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:22, Reply)
bollocks, I knew there would actually be a real phrase for it.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:23, Reply)
Also known as the Spiderman, I believe...

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:32, Reply)
I believe in that case
you are encouraged .. no, obliged .. to catch your spaff in your hand and then fling it at her, whilst shouting "go web, go!"
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:34, Reply)
That's the one.
I wonder if anyone's actually ever done these, or if they are made up by 14-year-olds who have heard of both sex and comics.

Wait, that's also b3ta. Ah, I see.
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:35, Reply)
I have. Loads of times, actually.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:44, Reply)
The ‘Sutcliffe’s Jumper’
When you bang one out, fully clothed, but with your entire cock and bollocks hanging out of your fly.

Needs a bit of work, this one.
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:23, Reply)
as above
but you wank whilst holding a claw hammer?
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:24, Reply)
Better.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:26, Reply)
The 'Saville Row'
Where you line up a load of corpses on the slab in the morgue and bum them all in turn whilst smoking a cigar and shouting 'now then, now then'.
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:27, Reply)
Hahahhaah.
That's a brilliant end to my day at work, thank you.
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:30, Reply)
My pleasure. I confess I am rather pleased with it.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:35, Reply)
jingle jangle boys and girls. jingle jangle.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:30, Reply)
the "steamboat wille"
rather than letting her swallow, hold her mouth and nose shut and tickle her until it comes out of her ears.

Possibly.
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:29, Reply)
'Huck Finn's revenge'

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:30, Reply)
The Sticky Holepunch
Whereby you punch your beau right in the hole.
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:30, Reply)
You've actually done this one, haven't you?

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:33, Reply)
What can I say, Monts old boy?
There are holes all over London that have been violated by my greasy fist.
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:34, Reply)
What a delighful thought.
All lubed up with Danish bacon fat.
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:35, Reply)
And studded with lego bricks.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:36, Reply)
And, errr, Hans Christian Andersen books.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:39, Reply)
And Dane Bowers CDs

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:39, Reply)
And, right, Whigfield.
And Great Danes. And Vikings. And Carlsberg.
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:44, Reply)
Yeah!!!!!!
Right - my turn.

Vidkun Quisling!!!!!!!! Hang on, that's not one.
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:45, Reply)
DANISH PASTRIES!!!!!!!!!
I knew there was one more.

That's definitely all of them now.
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:46, Reply)
Basically, that's Denmark.
That, and a sense of smugness that - as flat and as featureless the country may be - it will never, ever be Germany.
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:51, Reply)
Clot Noodle
Gaping Womble
Grim Queefer
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:50, Reply)
All v good.

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:51, Reply)
At a guess,
Clot noodle: allowing noodles to clump together as they cool enough to be penetrated

Gaping womble: To bend over with your legs spread wide, allowing your underground and overground to be free

Grim Queefer: Someone who's clunge smells like something died inside.
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 18:23, Reply)
The Gypsy Tarmac
Whereby you turn your spaff black by drinking 20 pints of guiness before unloading yourself on to an unsuspecting pensioner. And then getting them to pay you for it.
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 17:55, Reply)
Click

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 18:10, Reply)
When fellating someone on a sunbed
to avoid lasting eye damage, position any available testicles over the eyes as a screen.

-source: 1974 Health and safety in the work place act, paragraph 14(c), H&S regulations pertaining to pornographic film sets, discount hotel furnishings and the drunk.
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 18:09, Reply)
this is good advice

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 18:12, Reply)
I do all the health and safety stuff at work

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 18:16, Reply)
...in the brothel

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 18:17, Reply)
Chemistry lab
but close.

For instance I did take delivery of a litre of chloroform today
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 18:20, Reply)

chemistry experimental sex
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 18:20, Reply)
For me unless your orgasm can be calculated to be p>0.05
It dosen't count.
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 18:25, Reply)
science geeks have the best sex talk
do you offer multiple orgasms on the basis that you need a more representative sample?
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 18:27, Reply)
Yes
The reason that many geeks seem virginal is simply because they are the control group.
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 18:29, Reply)
the others are just too busy to be out in public

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 18:32, Reply)
exactly

(, Wed 2 May 2012, 18:35, Reply)
I am struggling to think of an angle
at which this would be feasible.
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 18:16, Reply)
The person being fellated (The fellatee?)
Lies face down allowing their testicles to droop. The person doing the fellating, lies face up at an angles that allows the testicles to cover their eyes.
(, Wed 2 May 2012, 18:19, Reply)

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