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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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First the worst, second the best, third the one with the hairy chest.
Or so perceived wisdom would have it. But is it ACTUALLY true?

Similarly did we REALLY have joy, we had fun, flicking bogies at the sun? When the sun got too hot is it REALLY true that the bogies 'turned to snot'? I doubt it, personally.

I put it to you that whilst shepherds washed their socks by night all watching BBC, the Angel of the Lord did NOT AT ANY TIME come down and switch to ITV. The whole thing was cooked up to distract attention from the MILK SNATCHING SCANDAL.

What CHILDHOOD LIES were you told? Something about noncing Lolololol!!!!!! x 10000000!!!!!!
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:18, Reply)
"A spoon full of sugar makes the medicine go down"
How was I supposed to know he was diabetic?
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:21, Reply)
The coma?

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:23, Reply)
What does curry have to do with anything?
Ah...coma, not korma, sorry.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:29, Reply)
Oh AA.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:32, Reply)
*catches nipper by the toe*
pp gg

This is no longer OK apparently
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:22, Reply)
It was Tiger, even when I was a kid.
Are you older than me or just more northern?
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:29, Reply)
Just more RACIST.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:32, Reply)
That if I told anyone what Daddy did, my dog would die

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:22, Reply)
Reminds me of this

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:24, Reply)
hahahaha!
Dirty bitch
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:25, Reply)
Benny on the loose!

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:30, Reply)
I miss the Bennies.
Things were better when they were here.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:40, Reply)
Starting to regret tying them to all those trees now.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:44, Reply)
child abuse is hilarious.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:50, Reply)
I don't think I was told any lies in my childhood.
However, I was always very gullible. My mother takes this trait and uses it for her own fun at every opportunity.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:24, Reply)
...when she's not working as a super-spy, obv.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:35, Reply)
I think it would be cool if my mum was a super spy.
She's ace.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:37, Reply)
She's a pet detective as well?
Oh my.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:45, Reply)
Sorry you're going to have to explain that reference to me.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:53, Reply)
Ace Ventura

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:05, Reply)
*googles*
Oh.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:18, Reply)
Really?

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:15, Reply)
As I get older I am finding it harder and harder to believe what I was told about Jesus.
Specifically the story about him riding down the street on a Yamaha. Looking with adult eyes, it seems increasingly unlikely to me that he would be worshipped throughout the globe in the way that he is, had he genuinely done a skid, killed a kid, and smashed up his balls on a dustbin lid. The whole thing just doesn't ring true any more.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:26, Reply)
What do you think to the rumours that he walks like a woman and he wears a bra?

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:32, Reply)
CITATION NEEDED

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:35, Reply)
It is well documented in song.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:41, Reply)
I thought that was Eric Cantona?

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:35, Reply)
You mean there could be more than one transvestite out there?

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:36, Reply)
I remember the first time I saw a tranny.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:39, Reply)
Roberta Flack's zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:42, Reply)
i was told that monty boyce was funny and not some sort of waki prick

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:26, Reply)
Your Mum tells lots of lies
Like "No-one has put it up THERE before"
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:27, Reply)
"That's the biggest I've EVER seen"

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:28, Reply)
'Don't worry son, everyone's looks like that'

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:29, Reply)
"It happens to everyone sometimes"

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:30, Reply)
The Korgis less successful.. etc

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:39, Reply)
No you weren't.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:28, Reply)
it's true, i wasn't

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:37, Reply)
I don't think they even had pizza in King Wencleslas' time.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:28, Reply)
*scales fall from eyes*

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:28, Reply)
You're meant to stand on them, dipshit.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:29, Reply)
Worst drug dealing advice evarr.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:30, Reply)
There's no such place as Big Cock Randy Mountain.
I'm fairly sure that George was never on a scooter, beeping his hooter, following Ringo Star.


And, frankly, I find it highly improbable that it is possible to fling your tits over your shoulder like a regimental soldier.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:29, Reply)
Hahahaha
*checks Google Maps*

He's right you know.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:30, Reply)
it's balls you knobber, not tits.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:32, Reply)
Hey, if you spent your childhood thinking about balls while I spent mine thinking about tits, that's OK you know.
Obama backs you.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:41, Reply)
I think that's really cool,
Obama's finally getting behind it.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:57, Reply)
It was ears when I was at primary school
and balls in secondary school
and ver your shoulder like a regimental soldier was replace with Do you get a funny feeling when they're hanging from the ceiling. for some odd reason.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:47, Reply)
It will NOT make you go blind
*falls off chair*
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:30, Reply)
"Dad, I'm over here"

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:32, Reply)
* trips over dog *

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:42, Reply)
Speak for yourself, my lenses are -6 so it's had some effect.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:08, Reply)
Who said that?

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:21, Reply)
OK I think I might have started the worst thread ever here.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:40, Reply)
Oh don't be so hard on yourself Monters
You've started far worse threads than this.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:42, Reply)
YESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:43, Reply)
I like Chinese, I like Japanese
What are these?

DIRTY KNEES!
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:44, Reply)
You know what I heard?
I heard that Ching Chong Chinaman tried to milk a cow, but was hampered by a lack of the required knowledge regarding the technique.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:46, Reply)
I heard he pulled the wrong tit.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:49, Reply)
NO!!!!!
I hope to goodness he wasn't covered in anything.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:50, Reply)
He now appreciates the truth that one should be cautious when learning new skills

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:52, Reply)
Hahahah

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:53, Reply)
The sun shone down on the village green
It shone on Little Nell
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:45, Reply)
Ip dip dog shit you are not it....
very easily manipulated!
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:49, Reply)
Was she picking flowers?

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:50, Reply)
It wasn't my thumb, that's all I'm saying.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:52, Reply)
I made her tits go num.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:54, Reply)
Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
I'm embarrassed for all concerned.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:58, Reply)
You mean
Je suis gêné pour tous les intéressés.

Fucking frog. With your Communist President. Coming over here, taking our women.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:01, Reply)
Oh, I'll take them, alright.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:08, Reply)
When little tangle was in reception at school they learned the song English Country Garden
I was amazed to discover that it had proper lyrics listing various types of flower and contained absolutely no advice on the protocol should one ever find oneself needing to defecate whilst visiting such a place.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 10:59, Reply)
Also, I'm starting to wonder if the ants really would suffocate.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:00, Reply)
It's PARALYSE the ants. FFS.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:02, Reply)
There are no definitive versions in folk song

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:04, Reply)
also rolling bogies into a ball and flicking them at walls is no longer acceptable, it seems.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:05, Reply)
It's FERTALIZE the PLANTS

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:06, Reply)
not fertilise?

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:07, Reply)
Can't make up my mind.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:09, Reply)
Oh my god! I can't cope with any further regional variations!
This one does seem to make the most sense though.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:08, Reply)
It's Terrorise

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:35, Reply)
I no longer believe a story my mate William told me
Apparently his next door neighbour got confused one day and attacked him with a rake.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:01, Reply)
Wasn't he the one with the 10 foot willy?

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:02, Reply)
Not anymore

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:03, Reply)
Not anymore.
It's around the 4'4" mark now.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:03, Reply)
Battered?

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:06, Reply)
hahaha.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:07, Reply)
That song demonstrates a profound lack of understanding of male anatomy
on the part of the songwriter.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:07, Reply)
Again, I say LIES.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:11, Reply)
But ten foot, Monty.
That's a full 3'10" longer than I am and a good six foot longer than Battered. It's not even a believable lie.

Why must these outrageous falsehoods be propogated? WHY?
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:13, Reply)
Won't somebody think of the bitches?

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:14, Reply)
I am choosing to interpret this
as proof that I have been accepted as /OT's resident lothario.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:30, Reply)
You need proof?

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:31, Reply)
It's always nice to be recognised.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:44, Reply)
William was clearly a sex offender.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:02, Reply)
Milk, milk, lemonade, round the corner chocolate made
produced the worst tasting lemonade and chocolate EVAR.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:05, Reply)
That sounds horrible.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:06, Reply)
Personally I'm prepared to overlook shortcomings in the taste department
for a neverending supply and a nearby outlet.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:10, Reply)
It's always the easy option with you, isn't it?

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:13, Reply)
I was led to believe that not only could bells talk, but they spoke about fruit and money.
My parents were strange people.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:10, Reply)
I'd heard that there was an older gentleman in '92.
Apparently he broke wind.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:12, Reply)
My little scrote of a cousin
once sneezed right in my face and laughed. He was about 8 at the time. I told him, very calmly, and in vast and convincing biological detail, that the reason people put their hands over their mouths when they sneezed was to stop the change in pressure forcing their brains down their nose.

Apparently he had nightmares for weeks.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:14, Reply)
I'd have slapped the little bastard.
Alright, berk? What have you invented today?
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:15, Reply)
An 8 year old cousin, it seems.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:17, Reply)
I invented a new sort of cake yesterday
does that count? Today is a slow day at work and I will be inventing very little...
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:18, Reply)
Tell me about this new cake.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:19, Reply)
I bet it's a "happiness replacement cake"
like all the others.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:20, Reply)
Not on strike today?

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:21, Reply)
Nah, I'm not allowed at the moment.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:23, Reply)
Not allowed?
Isn't that part of the fun? Which union are you?
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:30, Reply)
Unison
In my team 3 people have to be in on strike days at least and I volunteered.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:33, Reply)
I don't even know if anyone is striking at this site.
Not seen a picket line, but then I did come in the back.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:33, Reply)
SCAB!

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:34, Reply)
they don't really do any of that in the NHS
"crossing the picket line to save childrens lives, you CUNT!" they just give you leaflets and gossip about work.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:35, Reply)
Another life saved by spreadsheets.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:37, Reply)
QUICK! CELL MERGE, STAT!

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:39, Reply)
Don't fucking cell merge you fucking amatures
HOW ARE YOU GOING TO PARSE LOTS OF DATA WITH MERGED FUCKING CELLS?!?!?

Typical accademic. Bet you use wordart as well.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:41, Reply)
I don't use Word, I use LaTeX.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:57, Reply)
Ha, awesome, I want to use that now.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 12:00, Reply)
Make your own jokes.
No bloody commitment, that's the trouble with union wallahs these days.

Does the union pay you when you strike?
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:35, Reply)
Nerp.
That would be a bit much I think.
Although I bet the union people get paid.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:36, Reply)
Some don't have jobs other than the union.
Fucking cunts. I'd want to be represented by someone with a proper job. Not some shitcunt agitator.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:38, Reply)
It was like a bakewell tart
only it had hazelnuts and lemon curd instead of almonds and jam.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:26, Reply)
that sounds delicious.
Can I nab the recipe off you to have a go at it myself?
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:29, Reply)
yeah
it was a bakewell tart only it had hazelnuts and lemon curd instead of almonds and jam.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:30, Reply)
you're a git.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:31, Reply)
i am quinten

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:33, Reply)
Hear me ROAR.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:33, Reply)
You're a flamin' gaalaaah

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:34, Reply)
i hope he pays more attention when he's at school than he does here

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:37, Reply)
I hate to agree with you
but you are essentially correct.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:40, Reply)
i copied and pasted your post, i was pointing out that you'd basically already given the recipe

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:44, Reply)
Fair enough.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:51, Reply)
bakewell, tart

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:53, Reply)
I imagine you said this breathlessly while throwing your white silk scalf over your shoulder
and climbing into your helicopter.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:56, Reply)
"And that's the end of that chapter"

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 12:05, Reply)
yeah
it was a bakewell tart only it had hazelnuts and lemon curd instead of almonds and jam.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:31, Reply)
WHAT TRAVESTY IS THIS?

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:36, Reply)
he is quinten 2.0, we are a hive mind

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:36, Reply)
I can't keep track.
I have you all marked down as "others".
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:38, Reply)
Hazlenuts and lemon curd?
That's certainly new. Not exactly a classic combo.

How did it taste?
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:29, Reply)
Everybody liked it
7/10 would make again. I reckon a dark chocolate ganache would have been better instead of the lemon curd though.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:38, Reply)
Chocco and hazlenut.
Now you're talking.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:39, Reply)
Yeah
I've got some hazelnut liqueur that I could have put in the ganache as well. I know for next time.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:41, Reply)
You are on cake duty at the next bash.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:42, Reply)
That's the hardest job I've ever heard of.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:43, Reply)
I always bring cake.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:46, Reply)
Where was my cake in Brizz? Or in Wapping?

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:57, Reply)
she failed the old cake brizzle test

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:58, Reply)
There was no cake at Wapping, I grant you
but there was cake in Bristol, in the pub we went to after the Apple.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 12:02, Reply)
Haha, when I was 5, I had been eating Raisens at my cousen's house, and somepoint towards the end of the evening, he informed me that they were dead flys.
I cried and screamed so hard, that my parents had to take me home, to the point where when I see them they still talk about it 23 years later. It's OK though, my dad gave me some magic juice that turns them back into raisens; a shot of port.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:34, Reply)
I have been similarly misled.
She was not "coming round the mountain/ squirting like a fountain", and one does not sing "aye-aye-ippy/ do it with a hippy/ cos they make you wet and slippy when they come".

I am not allowed back at Guide camp.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:15, Reply)
Mmmm, Guide Camp.
I'd do 10 years for week at Guide Camp.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:16, Reply)
There was someone I know who seemed to have an awful stutter.
They called themselves a rather crude word on a number of occasions before revealing they were a rural farmer. After he continually repeated this, I was led to believe that he may have exaggerated his stutter for comic effect.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:20, Reply)
I am _not_ made out of slugs or snails, although I have no issue about the puppy dog tales.
And I seriously seriously question weather Crackhouse is made out of sugar and spice, although I admit she is probably made out of something nice.

And it wasn't the breeze that tickled her knees, it was my fiiiIIIIInger. Magic, moments.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:32, Reply)
Wasn't it "grass that tickled your arse"?

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:33, Reply)
Oh, this is my uncle's version, he's in his late 60s, so back in his day that _was_ rude.
I'm going to inform him of this update when I next see him.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:35, Reply)
Meat. I'm made out of meat. That's pretty nice.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:35, Reply)
I'm a _big_ fan of combining meat and fire.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:39, Reply)
*backs away slowly*

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:40, Reply)
I'm a _big_ fan of mixing tap water with robbinsons
/ac
too
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:49, Reply)
Orange barley water.
The only one of them worth drinking.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:57, Reply)
Red, Purple or Orange flavours, in that order. I don't mind what the flavours are, all the ones that fit those colours I like.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 12:00, Reply)
I don't care what they say, Brian Can.

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:36, Reply)
I should be so lucky going out with scotty
strangle Mrs mangle too
Daphne had a baby, called it little Jamie
Bouncer is a father tooooo

When I was a kid I was told I could be anything I wanted to be. Bollocks.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:37, Reply)
I've never heard that.
And now can't unread it.
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:40, Reply)
You obviously didn't go to school in Cornwall in 1986-87

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:43, Reply)
well you could have been bollocks, but you had them snipped

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:40, Reply)
My mama told me when I was young
We are all born superstars
She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on
In the glass of her boudoir
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:42, Reply)
My mother told me that I never should,
play with the naughty rude girls in the wood.

Rubbish advice!
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:44, Reply)
Oh Japan...
www.reghardware.com/2012/05/10/boffs_crack_ultimate_roboass/
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 11:45, Reply)
Sexy

(, Thu 10 May 2012, 12:02, Reply)
i was always under the impression
that 3rd was a dirty donkey
(, Thu 10 May 2012, 12:38, Reply)

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