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(, Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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No, shut up, enough of that. ENOUGH.
More about me, and me asking YOU if YOU are ALRIGHT.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 18:40, 149 replies, latest was 12 years ago)
the back of my knee hurts

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 18:46, Reply)
My left buttock hurts
I fell off my bike in hilarious slow-mo yesterday. I put my foot down where I thought the pavement was and it turned out it wasn't and I overbalanced.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 18:50, Reply)
your nethers get a lot of damage

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 18:52, Reply)
Tee Hee.... bums.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 18:56, Reply)
Is that called a kneebow, like an elblow but for the knee?

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 18:56, Reply)
yes

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 19:01, Reply)
alright pp
I'm nursing a hangover
Watching a movie
You? When do you start your new job?
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 19:11, Reply)
I caught up on Game Of Thrones before, had some hospital stuff, really tired me out.
I got pasta make with a cheesy breadcrumb topping that i totally invented. It's really good actually, reheated from yesterday, its kindda like a pasta cake.

I start on Monday, can't wait, BUT, but, I asked them if there is anything I should familierise myself with and he's told me a system that is a complete other language that I don't even know. Hopefully I can turn it into something that makes sense. I'd be happy if I can even get it installed, I've never had to 'install' a websites before.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 19:27, Reply)
well i wish you the bestest of lucks

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 19:35, Reply)
I've read that three times now, and every time it looked like ducks.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 19:51, Reply)
MAYBE THATS WHAT I MEANT

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 19:57, Reply)
And I wish YOU the bestest of ducks.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 19:59, Reply)
duck you

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:05, Reply)
I was being nice!
I think ducks are good!
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:06, Reply)
Thank you !

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:02, Reply)
I've got a hell of a toothache thing going on, thanks for asking.
I'm pretty sure it's not life-threatening, but you never know.

And how are you, my love? Are you well? Are you well and happy? Are you well and happy and fed?

Did you have a nice time with Ma? Did she appreciate the cleanliness of the flat? I hope so. mothers love shit like that.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 19:51, Reply)
I'm all three ! And I'm slightly monged because I didn't take as many pills today so this evening taking them they feel much stronger; quite pleasent.
Plus there is some ghetto film called Take The Lead that looks alright for this evening's entertainment.

She liked the flat a lot, it's proper nice, I love having an imaculate home. I found out today that I'm owed about tripple what I thought I was getting for my winnings for losing my job, which'll put me financally straight with no debts and I should be start living OUTSIDE of my over draft. I might be stupid and buy a new Macbook at the end of next month when they're out... they're gonna be complete and utter kick ass. I normally hand my laptops down to ma' and then ma's onto friends, but this one would be to expensive (even though it's 3 years old, it's apple, so it's still worth half of what I paid) to give away. Whatever happens, I think I'm gonna ditch Vodafone and get an O2 12 month contract and buy the new iphone outright. OH BOY APPLE PRODUCTS.

Tell me whats ga'wahn down your yard.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:08, Reply)
I'm starting to get excited about my new toy coming.
Sheould be here tomorrow or Friday. I'm very much looking forward to it. Only thing is, I'll need something to plug it into. We've found these ipod/ipad extender cables so I can still use my docking speakers, which saves me having to buy a new one. I also have to figure out where I'll store the ipad when I plug it into my car stereo too.

The whole side of my jaw is aching now, so I might just neck a handful of codeine. That should mong me out nciely.

Also, have you seen http://www.hellofresh.co.uk/?
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:16, Reply)
0o0o0o0o0h, WIN, what one did you go for? You can get something that'll let you plug it into the radio via the glove box, or radios with bluetooth recievers for the iPad...
... which totally rocks, it uses Bluetooth Audio as well as Bluetooth Data in order to display all you info properly.

Nah', ain't seen it, it looks really good, except minimum is for 3 meals for 2 people, and I don't want 6 meals a week predetermind by them. i'd fucking love it if they handled it for one though. Or at least, i'd give it a shot.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:25, Reply)
I've got the new ipad, 64gb wifi version in black.
It's going to be awesome!
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:27, Reply)
HOLY SHEAT, that's the top model thats worth getting in the UK.
That's the kind of model that says "I am better than someone who bought a '+ Cell' modal", and I respect you more as a consumer and as a person for choosing that model.

Is this your first iOS device?
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:47, Reply)
does taht mean apple?
No, I already have an ipod touch, but only a 32gb.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:48, Reply)
iOS is apple's mobile operating system.
Expect big changes in less than a month's time, it'll fill your Touch and Pad with AWESOME. I can't wait to get my hands on it, should be public by october.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:57, Reply)
I'm sat here curlin out a beauty to crack the pan.
LOL!
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:00, Reply)
That's nice.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:01, Reply)
I'm watching Jurassic Park
and eating an incredibly middle class supper.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:16, Reply)
I'm watching a programme on Channel 4 about fatty fat fatties.
The woman on it is about the same size as I am/(was three months ago).
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:18, Reply)
You're not fat, woman

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:19, Reply)
They said she was 5'5" and 13st 12
Three months ago, I was 5'6" and 13st 11. That's not that different.
Today I got into my old jeans though, which is excellent. I'll be back in my size 12s soon enough.

/oversharing fat heiffer.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:24, Reply)
Love
three years ago (actually, pretty much exactly give or take a fortnight) I was 5'3 and 15 stone. So shhh. You're not fat.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:25, Reply)
Three years ago, I was more or less the same weight I am now.
However, I had slightly more hair, I think.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:29, Reply)
Madam
you are gorgeous. And, from my observations, just the right amount of curvy. and I *loved* that dress you were wearing in Bristol.

*lezzes up*
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:30, Reply)
Well, thank you very much!
(I can gaz you the link for it, if you like)
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:34, Reply)
Thanks, but I can't afford new clothes at the moment.
Our pub is having a swishing party soon, so I might get something nice there.
And as you can imagine, dresses are not easy when you're really curvy.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:37, Reply)
You'd be amazed
it goes up to a 20, which you are certainly much smaller than, and it also had significantly more boobage room than I have boobage. Set yourself a target weight and once you're down to it, make Mr b3th buy it for you. Rewards are a good motivator.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:42, Reply)
He's just bought me an ipad, so I probably shouldn't push my luck.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:48, Reply)
Haha, lucky girl
give it a couple of weeks, perhaps he'll forget?
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:51, Reply)
Well, he old and getting doddery
so it's a possibility.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:51, Reply)
Worth a shot for a pretty dress...
nice sunhat, stockings and a pair of white wedges...promise you'll give him a twirl and I bet he'll be entirely willing!
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:53, Reply)
The woman
Looks like Matt Lucas, only fatter.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:49, Reply)
ih my god, she really does.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:55, Reply)
I saw that film about 8 times at the picture house 'cus none of my friends/family wanted to see it at the same time.
I enjoyed it every time, and the books, in fact, I'm gonna re-read those books next. Michael Chricton rocks.

It's quite possibly the perfect film.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:48, Reply)
Michael Crichton does indeed rock
although from a 20-years-later scientist's perspective I do sometimes smirk a little reading his stuff.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:52, Reply)
Hah, I like the slight doubt about the status-quo that he does, such as in "State of Fear".
Did you ever read the pirates one? That's his only book I haven't read, as I can't see it being my cup of tea. His latest unfinished-but-now-finished book, Micro, was really good.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:59, Reply)
Haven't read either of them, I'm afraid.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:00, Reply)
Deffo worth checking out, even if it's on a between-books book list.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:08, Reply)
I read one called 'Prey'
it was really really really shit and a badly covered rant about how women shouldn't work because they will fuck everything up and their husband will have to save the world
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:01, Reply)
You know what? I thought I had read most of his books, and I was sure I read Prey, but Wiki'ing it I don't recongise it.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:09, Reply)
don't bother with it
it was shit
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:10, Reply)
I'd hate to ruin one of my all time favorite authors by reading his only kack book.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:15, Reply)
Please join me in arranging a massive B3ta-wide FUCK OFF to my mother-in-law
As she is staying with us this week and doing both mine and Mrs Battered's head in.

Interfering. Interrupting. Meddling with our daughter. Drinking all my gin. Bitch.

So at 8.30 this evening, take a deep breath and shout at the top of your voice 'FUCK OFF YOU OLD CUNT'.

Thanks.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:25, Reply)
If she's meddling with your daughter
you should get her put on a register.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:27, Reply)
I would suggest a quiet word rather than shouting
but I'm not entirely sure 'a quiet word' is exactly your modus operandi...
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:28, Reply)
Indeed. Anger FTW.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:32, Reply)
I pity your blood pressure
I've been having a shit week at work and the energy it takes to be constantly angry/stressed is unbelievable. It's really draining.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:36, Reply)
I rather like the sound of her.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:30, Reply)
it's only what he deserves

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:31, Reply)
Also
if she's interfering and you want her to stop, just say NO!
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:32, Reply)
Zammo jokes. Almost as funny as Maddie ones.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:36, Reply)
It's not as much fun when Monty's not here.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:38, Reply)
no

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:39, Reply)
Well meaning though, although you have every right as an individual to be annoyed at one's well meaning attitude; the road to hell is paved with gold.
I'm sure your daughter would reserve any life-desisions 'till she reaches at least toddlerhood.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:50, Reply)
It's amazing how much you pick up at that age though.
When I was about two ro three, my dad taught me this little routine about Scotland being teh best country in the world, and England being shit. He used to get me to do it like a little parlour trick, everywhere we went.

Well over thirty years later, I still refuse to admit to any Englishness. My poor mother.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:54, Reply)
Apparently my catch-phrase when I was that age was "I'm rather partial to a glass of wine", and would delight in telling everyone I eat dinner with that fact.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:03, Reply)
I'm back!
just painted up a mask for a masquerade but OH NO! I'm out of superglue to put the beads and chains on
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:31, Reply)
Oh no!
What are we going to do, Cavy? Shall we send in the Red Cross?

What sort of mask is it?
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:32, Reply)
I think I might call 999
or just buy some tomorrow.

I just got a plain blue eye mask (think Zorro), then used some dark blue dry brushing to low light the edges, painted some gold swirly bits on (that bit it is a bit crap to be fair), then I'm going to use the ugly poundshop necklace/chain and glue it round the edges and dangling off the bottom edge.

It'll look shit, but it'll do
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:35, Reply)
That's teh spirit!

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:39, Reply)
*girly squeal*
Are you going to a ball?
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:41, Reply)
only a shitty college one
where the lecturers will definitely not be drinking
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:45, Reply)
what !!
Are you going in an amazing dress?
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:50, Reply)
just wearing my steampunk kit
it really won't be that exciting, i just like making things
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:54, Reply)
disappointment

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:07, Reply)
sorry
I need to get invited to more classy parties
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:08, Reply)
PHOTOS !

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:53, Reply)
I could bore a hole into my lavatory door and it'll be good practice for your fetish ball.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:53, Reply)
fetish ball?!
I think you imagined that part
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 20:54, Reply)
Putting the moves on people all night from behind masks, you can't get much more fetish than that.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:05, Reply)
With the exception of rape
Of course.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:08, Reply)
Lowering the tone, much?

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:09, Reply)
Keepin' it real DG.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:13, Reply)
Rape fetish is nothing to do with sex though, I think thats more of an after thought in the idea of controlling someone.
At least, that's what I get from the "Horrific Life" books I used to read.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:13, Reply)
They should do some
'Choose Your Own Adventure' books like that.

To rape and murder your victim, turn to page 18.
If you want torture, page 27.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:16, Reply)
Haha, I bet you if someone bought out one of those books for adults, it would do well.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:18, Reply)
i think someone tried it, a few years ago.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:19, Reply)
It was Chompy, wasn't it?

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:27, Reply)
Oh, ok.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:30, Reply)
gonz man i've done a new thread where are you?

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:41, Reply)
Alright gobs?
I'm all up in that, makin' my way there now.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:46, Reply)
safe as fuck

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:48, Reply)
can I point out
that there will be no hot male lecturers there. Thus, I shall merely be (not) drinking beer and taking the piss out of students trying to pull each other
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:09, Reply)
But I bet when you get home, you'll let out a little sigh as you nod off.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:14, Reply)
I'll probably do the same after the chilli tonight.
I MADE A FART GAG!!!!!
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:38, Reply)
KAPLOWIE !

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:46, Reply)
There is a danger it'll go something like that, yeah.
Probably more from the missus though.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:50, Reply)
those are the best kind of gags

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:49, Reply)
I bet you can.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:11, Reply)
Ball?
Unless I'm mistaken, Cavy is a woman, therefore doesn't have a ball.

Thinking about it, though, statistically everyone on the planet has one ball.

Which just goes to show it's all bollock.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:14, Reply)
lolwut

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:19, Reply)
This work lark is bollocks.
Only just got home. Fed up.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:14, Reply)
Nah' man, just gotta get a job you like, innit.
Find some rich homeboy who needs stylin'.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:18, Reply)
The real world sucks, Barry.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:18, Reply)
I'm not even getting paid I just offered to help at my aunt's company.
Nice distraction from things but I'm knackered. Done a bottle of wine every time I've got in this week. Not good.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:25, Reply)
All good for the CV, though.
I wouldn't mention the rampant alcoholism though, company's tend to not be understanding about that.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:27, Reply)
I don't think it's CV material.
I need to finalise my internship at Ogilvy quickly, gotta to keep myself occupied over the next few months or I'll actually go insane. I can't sit indoors all day, I'm currently driving myself to despair.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:30, Reply)
Any experience is probably CV worthy.
Maybe not the actual work you've done, but the experience gained from it and the skills brought to it.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:32, Reply)
Not good at all Mr B.
You can do better than that.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:28, Reply)
A bottle of vodka a night?

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:30, Reply)
Yeah, he should try necking two bottles instead, the fucking poofter.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:31, Reply)
I don't care about the money.
Just like keeping myself occupied and around other people to talk to. I'm no good on my own. Turn into a wreck.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:31, Reply)
Alright Jessie J.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:32, Reply)
I'm still making my way home Baz.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:22, Reply)
Well
those daschunds don't do themselves, Jeff.

It's a dirty job but you provide a sterling service.

Try shortening your thighs for a less stressful life.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:36, Reply)
You know what Gonz? I'm alright.
Quite tired, but in a minute I'm going to settle down with a beer and a new album. Then I'll probably nod off for a bit and then head up to bed to begin the whole sorry saga of being constantly woken all over again.
How about you?
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:34, Reply)
Oh and great news about the new job, by the way.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:34, Reply)
All good. Shreddies for dinner is fucking lame isn't it?

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:36, Reply)
nope
that's what royalty eat
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:37, Reply)
I might have some toast just to really fuck my head up.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:41, Reply)
No cereal is amazing.
I'd eat Special K all day errrrday if I could. In fact sometimes I do.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:37, Reply)
You're talking about ketamine, though?

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:38, Reply)
I thought he was talking about Kristine

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:40, Reply)
I wish, I do need to separate my mind from my body at the moment.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:42, Reply)
cereal is punishment food.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:40, Reply)
I thought it was haute cuisine in Scotland?

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:43, Reply)
No, that's a munchy box.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:43, Reply)
Oh yeah, cereal's a hors doeuvre or however the fuck you spell it.
I always get that wrong, silly sausage that I am.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:45, Reply)
nah, it tastes rank with salt on it.
LOLOLOLOLOLOL!

it's funny because scotland has a reputation for poor cuisine!!!
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:44, Reply)
I noes rite?
Do people still pour porridge in an old wooden drawer and let it then cut it into slabs and take it to work the next morning?
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:47, Reply)
What am I saying, of course nobody goes to work in Scotland anymore.
Not since the shipyards closed. Right kids?
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:48, Reply)
they all became lolarious comics like Billy.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:49, Reply)
hold on, I'll just call the 19th century and ask.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:48, Reply)
they said "get tae fuck"

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:49, Reply)
did they ever do that?
because I might
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:49, Reply)
Every other week in the Broons, so it must be true.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:51, Reply)
not the first time you've had a scotsman's porridge in your drawers, eh eh eh!

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:51, Reply)
actually yes :(

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:52, Reply)
8====D------
I hope this helps!
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:54, Reply)
it certainly does

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:55, Reply)

   ____     U  ___ u   U  ___ u  __  __    _    _           
U | __")u \/"_ \/ \/"_ \/U|' \/ '|uU|"|uU|"|u
\| _ \/ | | | | | | | |\| |\/| |/\| |/\| |/
| |_) |.-,_| |_| |.-,_| |_| | | | | | |_| |_|
|____/ \_)-\___/ \_)-\___/ |_| |_| (_) (_)
_|| \\_ \\ \\ ,-,,-. |||_ |||_
(__) (__) (__) (__) (./ \.) (__)_)__)_)

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:58, Reply)
You need
some proper mannie's porridge, not some of that Taff dribble.

"Made in Scotland."

From girders, probably.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:56, Reply)
...or just rusty

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:59, Reply)
No
We still shoot porridge into drawers but all our furniture comes from Ikea so doesn't include the things.

We used to, though.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:51, Reply)
Milk at this time feels wrong.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:40, Reply)
Depends
where you're getting it from.

And by "milk", you mean spunk, dontcha?
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:43, Reply)
Fuck off tgb

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:44, Reply)
Eh
no, I am not a badger.

Or Bert, just me.
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:46, Reply)
Well?
Any further info?
(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:42, Reply)
The search was inconclusive. Too many unknowns. More evidence is needed.

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:43, Reply)
It's all up in the new thread peeps

(, Wed 16 May 2012, 21:57, Reply)

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