Off TopicAre you a QOTWer? Do you want to start a thread that isn't a direct answer to the current QOTW? Then this place, gentle poster, is your friend.
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rob Hello, I'm a board sig., Sun 1 Apr 2001, 1:00)
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Upsetting peopleWell I haven't been sacked yet so thats not bad
Are you the kind of person that has foot in mouth disease? Tell me your tales of putting your foot RIGHT in it (my Mum jokes apart)
Alt:
3pm-5pm is the worst time of day. Discuss (no Olympic puns please)
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sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:03,
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3am until 5am is worseI asked a girl at school "Who died?" cos she looked miserable. her beloved granny had died as it turned out.
She told e this and I called bullshit thinking she was winding me up. She wasn;t winding me up.
(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:07, Reply)
You'd have thought you might have learned from the experienceMrs Ape's not winding you up, she really does want you to fuck off and die.
(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:11, Reply)
Standard procedure involves account deletion and suicide.Come on, Apo - you should know this by now.
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tangledupinblue Your beat kicks back like death, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:13,
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Ah, oky doky*throws self at plate glass window*
*bounces off again*
(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:14, Reply)
Interrupted a "thank you for coming to our Silver Wedding anniversary party" speech on Saturday nightwith a disgusted "WHAT?!" when the host mentioned that some people had travelled from Derby to be there.
Alt: worst time of day is between 11pm and 2am when I'm struggling to get to sleep. Worse if Ms Foxtrot's not snoring as I don't dare wank unless I'm sure she's asleep
(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:09, Reply)
I do not understand thisand have a strong suspicion that this is a preferable state of affairs
(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:16, Reply)
I've never wanked into his wife's hair.Or anybody's wife's hair, come to that.
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b3th You're gonna need a bigger mod, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:23,
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Don't knock it 'til you've tried it.(
tangledupinblue Your beat kicks back like death, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:36,
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Lies on the internetat a guess. Is that what broke QOTW? I heard he was responsible.
(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:26, Reply)
So the process was1. Comedy website known for abusive humour of denizens invites stories about tantrums
2. Such a story is produced, gets trolled to no-one's surprise
3. Writer goes spastic, has massive tantrum
4. Result is so meta that the internet breaks
5. Fellow website user and frequent trolling victim puts this together two weeks later
6. Derision ensues
(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:31, Reply)
Nothing on b3ta is boring ChompyNow excuse me while I learn more of Monty's financial woes *rubs hands together in anticipation*
(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:48, Reply)
I understand your shockPeople of Derby have access to public transportation whereas Notts folk must lollop awkwardly on all unequally digited fours.
(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:22, Reply)
POTDI particularly like the suggestion that anything living in Derby can be called a person. Brilliant.
(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:24, Reply)
Asking someone who was fat, when their kid was due.And enquiring about a casual acquaintance's "son", turned out to be her fella.
Alt, why so?
(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:16, Reply)
I did this with a mate's new girlfriend"I'm NOT pregnant"
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sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:39,
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I have terminal foot in mouth.For the most part, it's largely down to me having a loud voice and less than the entirety of the facts.
The worst thing is that it usually happens around teh same bunch of friends. I hardly see them from one year to the next, and whenevr we get together, I go and do it again. I think I need a carer. Or a muzzle.
Alt: 4 till 7. Dull, deathly boring, nothing on the TV, no-one online to play with.
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b3th You're gonna need a bigger mod, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:17,
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As if I'm not already enough of a loser...(
b3th You're gonna need a bigger mod, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:22,
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5.30PM Friday, when every other fucker fucking fucks off to the fucking pub.I don't think I really manage to put my foot in it much these days. I used to be a nightmare for saying the wrong thing while drunk, but as I'm sure you'd expect, I don't actually remember any specifics.
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scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:20,
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*This* close to foot in mouthAssembling a special desk and PC for a well known workshy member of the company, I let my boss know my feelings on the matter in no uncertain terms. As I did so the door opened and in walked the object of my derision.
My boss was suitably impressed with the seamless transition. ."..fucking lazy workshy conning bastard cunt Good morning Mr Arsewipe, just finished installing your new desk......"
(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:21, Reply)
He calls 'em as he sees 'em(
Kroney Dignity is having the stones to dress in hemp, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:51,
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sighyou say "arsewipe" like it's a bad thing.
love rswipe x
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rachelswipe if you logged out to read this, you're a twat, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:56,
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like this isn't true of all lawyers(
rachelswipe if you logged out to read this, you're a twat, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:01,
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I am extremely polite at all times and too considerate to offend others. (
Battered I was Agent Orange, Special Agent Orange, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:23,
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Shed. on the other hand...(
Battered I was Agent Orange, Special Agent Orange, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:28,
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Whoa, stealing my qotw suggestion, you fucking prick.(
BraynDedd Chinny McChinchin, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:29,
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He truly is a cunt of the highest order.(
Battered I was Agent Orange, Special Agent Orange, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:29,
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I actually think it could make for an amusing qotw for a change, but then this dick comes along and ruins it.(
BraynDedd Chinny McChinchin, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:31,
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Combining it with sheds,will undoubtedly result in a naughty stepping.
(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:34, Reply)
Only for those who regularly post on /talk.(
BraynDedd Chinny McChinchin, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:37,
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No. I have been stepped for this. (
Battered I was Agent Orange, Special Agent Orange, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:40,
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He needs punching. (
Battered I was Agent Orange, Special Agent Orange, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:36,
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I'm not so sureCunts do have a use
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hartley hare is shaking his Caxirola on, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:39,
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I think this thread is proof that it wouldn't.(
tangledupinblue Your beat kicks back like death, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:39,
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What do you reckon feels worse...first poo after an arse-rape, or the realisation 20 minutes later that you enjoyed it?
(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:41, Reply)
This^Life's simple pleasure (unless curry has been involved)
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sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:44,
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even when it's diamond-studded poos that rip your anus in twain it's still a satisfying victory(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:47, Reply)
AgreedThe worst kind are the ones that go on for fucking ages with that persistent gut-rumble that tells you to accept that you're getting nowt else done for a while. When they're over I always permit myself a little air-punch.
(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:49, Reply)
There are people in this sub thread that need to have a serious look at their diets.(
Kroney Dignity is having the stones to dress in hemp, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:51,
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You LOOK at it?! You disgusting bastard. What are you, some kind of scat fetishist?
Oh.
(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:55, Reply)
What I like to do is place some bogroll in the pan firstso that it's nicely presented when I turn around to have a look.
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Kroney Dignity is having the stones to dress in hemp, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:02,
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some french toilets apparently have a shelf for just this purpose, fucking rankmy half-brother's mum also has a really old weird toilet in her house that my brother and his wife refer to as the "voila!" toilet because it has a shelf like that. they flush with their eyes shut, because otherwise they turn around and it's all, "voila! your shit, sir."
i keep my legs crossed rather than use that bathroom when we go over there.
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rachelswipe if you logged out to read this, you're a twat, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:04,
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What we need is a toilet with a freezer shelffor the likes of Kroney
(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:09, Reply)
Apparently continental loos have the shelf,because of the high levels of cooked meat in their diets, which apparently can lead to worms. The worst French loos are the ones consisting of a hole in the floor, and 2 foot plates. Tricky when you're pissed.
(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:12, Reply)
someone on here wrote a story about their dad losing his trunks down one of those holesand being stuck naked in a french bog. i LOL'd.
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rachelswipe if you logged out to read this, you're a twat, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:13,
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I... I really like the new Dizzee Rascal songDoes this mean I'm having a midlife crisis? Or that I wish I was black? Or that I secretly lust after the life of an East End London "wideboy"? Or am I simply a twat?
(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:52, Reply)
I think you know the answer to these questions.(
Battered I was Agent Orange, Special Agent Orange, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:52,
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If I did, why would I ask them of you all?The only explanation I can think of is a desperate, tragic need for pathetic validation and/or some basic level of human interaction. And I hardly think that's likely!
(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:54, Reply)
Nope. Not likely at all. (
Battered I was Agent Orange, Special Agent Orange, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:58,
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oh mani could so go a siesta right now. fucking 3-5pm lull.
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rachelswipe if you logged out to read this, you're a twat, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:53,
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pfffti'm a mercedes girl
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rachelswipe if you logged out to read this, you're a twat, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:54,
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Black, horribly overweight and with borderline schizophrenia?Possessed of the sort of bizarre motivations, delusions and actions that can only point to a mental disorder or piss-poor screenwriting?
(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:56, Reply)
er.......... i'm kind of glad i don't get this??
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rachelswipe if you logged out to read this, you're a twat, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:00,
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Yeah, I do.I'm shocked and appalled at myself.
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Kroney Dignity is having the stones to dress in hemp, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:12,
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I offend people all the time.My catalogue model good looks, rapier-like wit, impeccable sartorial standards, extremely high intelligence and sexual attractiveness conspire to engender rage in many people.
Not even my humility and modesty can defuse the general public's sense of outraged injustice.
(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:54, Reply)
no, i think it's definitely your modesty and the way you put yourself down all the time(
rachelswipe if you logged out to read this, you're a twat, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:55,
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i think we need to see a pic of one of the cataloguespleeeease?
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rachelswipe if you logged out to read this, you're a twat, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:02,
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I will link to one of them if you link directly to your employer's website and your linkedin profile.Only fair.
(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:09, Reply)
surebut you go first, i asked first...
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rachelswipe if you logged out to read this, you're a twat, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:12,
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actually dudetteChicks dig Scots accents. But not the Weedgie one.
(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:59, Reply)
nochicks dig irish accents.
mmmmmm. irish.
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rachelswipe if you logged out to read this, you're a twat, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:00,
Reply)
The Weedgie accent ALWAYS sounds like "I am going to stab you now" to me(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:05, Reply)
Shut up. Wanker. (
Battered I was Agent Orange, Special Agent Orange, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 15:58,
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Go fuck your own arse with a rusty screwdriver. (
Battered I was Agent Orange, Special Agent Orange, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:02,
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I wish your mother had done something to herself with a coathanger a long time ago.(
Battered I was Agent Orange, Special Agent Orange, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:05,
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Yes, I know darlingI was obviously hoping for some disgusting details. Like inserting the coathanger into the foetus' eyeball in order to drag it out. That sort of thing.
(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:13, Reply)
I will leave this to your colourful imagination.(
Battered I was Agent Orange, Special Agent Orange, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:15,
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So how many people were there appearing at the closing ceremony last night that you wouldn't have enjoyed watching being raped by a bear?(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:12, Reply)
Emma Bunton. Only because I most definitely WOULD.(
Battered I was Agent Orange, Special Agent Orange, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:15,
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Depressingly I thought that too, she's aged rather well.Unlike the rest of them.
Although when did Beth Tweddle join them?
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scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:17,
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I would be an extremely happy man if I had her freshly shaven vagina on my face for a prolonged amount of time, before I mucked up in her mouth and saw my spunk dribbling out of her nostrils.(
Battered I was Agent Orange, Special Agent Orange, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:20,
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So you don't want to meddle with Tweddle, but you want the cunt on Bunton.(
scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:39,
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He also wants to menace Ennis, make Hoy his boy and let's not get started on the Kenyan middle-distance runner, Peter Bilthi-Sumdrape
(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:45, Reply)
I want to shag Pendleton.I hope she doesn't like poets.
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scarpe We Stole Bikes, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:47,
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I was too busy extending the rhyming theme to say so beforebut that was a definite POTD up there. Well done sir.
(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:48, Reply)
You know how in There's Something About Mary spaff is proved to have starch-like qualities?Do you reckon that's why cocks get hard? Cos they're full of such a substance?
(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:27, Reply)
Who are you and what have you done with Darth?(
sportscow The Kofi Annan of offtopic, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:39,
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It only does that when dry though? so unless yours is full of dry spunk, no.
(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:42, Reply)
alt: I dislike 6-7:30amI should be asleep at this time, in fact better I shouldn't have to wake until 9 and not have to do anything strenuous until 10. left to my own devices I get a bit nocturnal
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Citizen Cavy is reporting your crimes to the great leader on, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:49,
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one day I will find someone to share these 'devices' with
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Citizen Cavy is reporting your crimes to the great leader on, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:54,
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cost and time in prison, mostly(
Citizen Cavy is reporting your crimes to the great leader on, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:58,
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last saturday we didn't get to bed until 4am, the mini ape woke up at 6:30am2 1/2 hours sleep is not enough to function properly
(, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:54, Reply)
i do not envy you thisnext sunday I have to drive back from Green Man festival (after they burn the green man down, obvs) and get up and be at work at 9. I forsee about 4 hours sleep after a weekend of very little sleep and a few weeks of getting up late. Should be fine...
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Citizen Cavy is reporting your crimes to the great leader on, Mon 13 Aug 2012, 16:55,
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