May all your Xmases be white
When I was about 14 or so, wandering around town one December afternoon in my school uniform, an 'old' geezer (i.e. probably the age I am now) approached me - inappropriately enough - and said to me, very inappropriately:

"The best thing about Christmas is that it gives you a chance to have a really good wank."

He then went on his way leaving me perplexed and disturbed.

But, as the years have gone by, I've come (arf!) to see the wisdom in his words.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 16:42, 1 reply)

I waited three hours for this?
My gran said to me before she died "Your grandad is a bit of a cock but be nice to him as everything is getting left to him when I go"
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 16:40, 2 replies)

Not my Gran
But her sister. She was in a dept store in New York one time (think it was Macy's). And she asked the shop assistant if she could try on the coat in the shade of 'nigger brown'.

To this day still she doesn't understand what she did wrong and constantly advises me to be aware of Americans because they are 'overly sensitive' and 'living in the past'.



In fairness she spent the last couple of years in WW2 working as a translator for the French Resistance and was later one of the first women to graduate from Cambridge so she can say what she wants really.
(Milo Minderbinder, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 16:38, Reply)

From my grandmother, when I got my first motorbike.
"Try not to crash".

I would have thought that to be obvious.

I still did, though.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 16:38, 2 replies)

there's truth in them there anecdotes...
I'm third and do, indeed, have a hairy chest.

So, advice from Old People?

My dad's a fount of knowledge (you may remember him as the man who glued his slippers, socks, gloves and feet to the kitchen floor whilst laying lino). Classic include:

"She's got some Genital disease", when referring to my late grandmother's CONgenital heart disease (leaky heart valve).

"Careful, that will stay hot even after it stops glowing" (whilst using a welding torch on his van), then followed by "oooyabastard!" as he puts his hand on it, having taken off his welding gloves, lit a roll-up and decided to lean against his van.

But, to give him his dues, he's imparted a lot of good advice to me over the years, from how to check out a car you're buying to how to build a shed. Invaluable tips included:

1) When travelling, always split your cash across pockets and bags - that way, if you get pickpocketed or a bag goes missing, you don't lose everything.

2) Try to find time to do nothing once in a while. By all means be active and work hard, but once a month, a day of chilling will stop you going crazy or getting ill.

3) If you do something strenuous enough to get yourself out of breath once a day, you'll stay healthy enough. I trust this, as he's 65, had several big accidents and still rides his mountain bike every day and is fit as a fiddle.

4) Be a man. I'm not saying we all need to be beer-swilling wife-beaters, I am just saying that you need to know your own mind and stand up for yourself and your better half. The meek might inherit the earth, but it'll only be after every other bugger has finished with it.

and, finally, 5) Never by a french car. Ever.
(Chad, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 16:38, 5 replies)

My grandad, who died in February,
never really had much time for me till not too long before he died. Having been a bad-tempered type not dissimilar to the love child of Alf Garnett, Father Jack and Victor Meldrew with a strong dislike of women and anyone smart enough to answer him back (except for my dad, one of the few people he actually respected), I wasn't one of his favourite people and for most of my life our interactions consisted of him telling me off for being a boisterous, bouncy child, in between trying to speak to me in broken French.

The last time I saw him was just after Christmas last year, the last time I went home. Having spent the last couple of years battling prostate cancer, heart trouble and losing his memory frequently, grandad was unusually lucid, but because granny had recently had a heart op, he was temporarily in a nursing home, which by all accounts he was really enjoying (and had won various random items of clothing and sweets on the in-house bingo).

On the last day I saw him, he was surprisingly lucid, considering the last time I'd seen him he'd said "now, I don't know much about Maladicta, which one are you and what do you do?", he talked to me and my dad about life and whether I was a pain at home and my dad said "no, no, she's no bother."

Grandad then launches into a long and passionate speech: "I know when they get to a certain age you still want to protect them and make sure they don't come to any harm, but you have to let them go sometime, so if she wants to go out to the pictures till all hours and come home late at night, or whatever she wants to do with her life, no matter what it is, you have to let her make her own way in the world."

Then he turned his attention to me: "So you're the languages one, you're finishing up with college soon, very well done, we're all so proud of you. What do you want to do with it all?"

I usually hate being asked this question, because I genuinely don't know, even now I have the degree, I'm just looking for any old job. So I told the truth "Anything but teaching, I can't stand kids." "As well you might not, teaching is for idiots. You do whatever you want love."

That's the only time in my life I ever felt that we connected on any level, or that he understood me. It's just a shame it was cut so short and I often wonder what he and I would have talked about had he lived any longer.
( Maladicta, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 16:36, Reply)

Somtimes I wished she was a real girl

Hmm...not 100% sure this counts as 'advice' per se, but towards the end my poor Nan was a confused type and one Christmas, after my brother and I had spent many hours playing, discussing and analysing 'Zelda & The Ocharina of Time' until the entire family were bored to death of us, it was time to take her back to her own home.

she stood, said goodbye and then 'Don't leave Zelda in the bedroom all on her own'

Edit: So sorry, I misread the question.

Genuine good advice from my Grandad - 'Don't listen to your mother, she never has known what she's talking about'
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 16:35, Reply)

Me grandad, who was mad as a bat and twice as angry most of the time.
Me parents and I call around to thier house one day, and we're sitting around this nice homely table in the dining room. I'm aged 10, me baby sister was 3 and gran was in the room as well, all talking politely. Grandad turns to me during a lull in the conversation and says the following immortal speach;
"You know Jeccy, from all my sons and siblings, it turns out that you are indeed the last of a long line of people to carry the surname of my family. I only realised this upon reflection last night, while looking through all the photos about the house. So Jeccy....I want you to go out there and get fucking."
Gee thanks grandad, sound advice for a 10 year old :D
tis a rp, but it's a goodie
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 16:35, Reply)

My Grandad
My grandad gave me that advice that "you should never go anywhere without a compass." No idea why. He infact often carried one around the house.

Interestingly, his house is made largely of granite, so messes up the compass and makes it useless for anything really.
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 16:33, Reply)

Sound advice really
.
My dear old gran always told me

"Never chase after a man. Unless he's nicked your purse."

Succinct but worthy, I feel.
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Thu 19 Jun 2008, 16:33, 2 replies)

Shortly after passing my driving test
I was having trouble with my parallel parking much to the amusement of my friends.

This came up in conversation at a family gathering to which one old relative (I forget which) uttered the words:

"When everybody's dead it doesn't matter where you park"

This is true, and I took it on board. Mainly to use as a threat following further ridicule.

I can now park very well
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 16:33, Reply)

My old man's advice...
... when I left for university was in two parts.

1) Never trust a man whose tie is lighter than his shirt.

2) Never put anything in writing to a woman.
(ubergeekian, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 16:32, Reply)

Do you need the toilet?
No matter what was wrong with me, headache, stomach ache, sort mouth, hurting tooth, bad back, spots, grazed knee, wind, no wind, blurred vision, sickness, repeating food, skin allergy (you get the idea), my nan (god love her died almost a year ago today) would always ask If I had been to the toilet.

If my repy was no then A short journey to the crappa would cure me of any ailment.

However if I had already been I was either seriously ill, or hadn't gone properly.

I still live with this in mind today and my two kids have spent most of their 2 and 4 year lives sitting on the toilet.
(Opanoid Look sweats dripping off them, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 16:31, 3 replies)

According to my lovely gran,
gays get their "bums sewn up"

I can drink as much beer as I want, but only by the half-pint, never by the full pint, because "that's too much beer"

and all the "wogs go home" stuff too. She reads the Daily Heil, so...
( Soggy, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 16:30, Reply)

I used to be a manager in a pub in South Yorks
Everyday this old boy would come in and drink his Guinness and whiskey chasers. The female staff all hated him, because he was quite lecherous, but he was fairly harmless. I shall never forget him for two reasons.

1) His immortal line upon seeing an attractive lady: "I tell 'ee what, boy. I'd let her fart in my soup."

I never could quite work out what it meant, but find myself using it more and more....

2) This sage piece of advice he once imparted on the female species: "Forget looks an' tits an' shite. All ya needs from life is a woman with a heart of gold and a fanny like a jar of worms."

RIP Bob, you lovely drunken old bastard. :)
( bennyhillslovechild, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 16:29, 6 replies)

after informing an older work colleague that I'm going to knock up her lesbian sister just to annoy her
"Don't you dare!!!"

I did. I should have listened :0(

EDIT: 100% true
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 16:28, 3 replies)

Mr Lennox
When my brother started secondary school, in one of his first lessons the teacher subtly alluded to above had some sage words for the class of young striplings before him.

'If there's one piece of advice I can give you boys', he said, 'it's this: watch out for the darkies'.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 16:27, Reply)

When I was 16 I had a friend who was 88
She told me that you are never too old to have really dirty sex.

I'm not sure if I should be pleased or disgusted by that bit of news.....
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Thu 19 Jun 2008, 16:27, 4 replies)

Not an old person, but someone older - my mum.
When I was about 10, me and my mum were discussing wet-dreams (as you do). She told me it was a natural thing to happen, and if I ever 'soiled' my bedsheets, she'd not hold it against me in any way and say absolutely nothing about it.

I'm sure that has helped greatly in me not developing guilty feelings associated with ejaculation.

Thanks mum, you're a star.
( mistaspakkaman and the inedible shifting caterpillars, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 16:27, 5 replies)

When my cousin's fiancee left him
My grandmother (aged 97 1/2) pointed out that she could'nt understand why she did it, as; "somebody as plain as that should be grateful for what she can get".

Which, on reflection, was probably fair
(conanow, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 16:26, Reply)

Some genuine advice
When I was 25, I worried about what other people thought of me. When I was 50, I didn't care what other people thought of me. Now I'm 75, I realise that other people don't have time to judge me anyway.
( Norbert Lightowler, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 16:26, Reply)

Nana Burns was a wee canny soul...
Always said 'if it's meant to be it won't pass you by'.... In my late teens when she passed on this gem of wisdom I did think it was a load of old cr*p... However, it would now appear to be quite true. Gawd bless the old bird.
(Senora Veranos cannot and will not so ner..., Thu 19 Jun 2008, 16:25, Reply)

My Gran always said the best thing for wind
is a huge kite. Works on two levels that does.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 19 Jun 2008, 16:24, Reply)

My late father in law
once told me, "Don't buy the suit in the window."

I still have no idea why he said that to me- we were not discussing clothing at the time, so it kinda came out of nowhere.

Then again, he'd been drinking...

EDIT: to further clarify- he wasn't my father-in-law yet at that point. Which makes it much more insulting to my ex wife, really...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 19 Jun 2008, 16:23, 6 replies)

Drat! Fifth!
EDIT: My old nan says you should never, ever trust someone who comes from Wales.

I don't know why this is, I have never explored it with her. But I like the Welsh types!

Chat here?
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 16:21, 51 replies)

Strangely
Firsts the worst
Seconds the best
Thirds the one with the hairy Chest.



Relevant?
( whenanimalsattackhumans clad in global hypercolour, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 16:21, 9 replies)

second!
w000t!

*edit* bugger, third
(Chad, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 16:21, Reply)

nearly!
2nd?
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 16:21, Reply)

First
Woot!

Edit - Far too long spent pressing F5, but it feels so damn good to be first.

On topic, my Gran told me that if you give love, you get love. She was great.
(TAZ220 Not giving a toss since, Thu 19 Jun 2008, 16:21, 1 reply)