That one
I remember one piece of advice given to me by one bloke, who's name I don't remember at a work party I forget. I was about 13, it was a forces thing that my Dad was hosting. He said:

"Think with that head (pointing to my forehead) and never that head (pointing down)"

Good advice, shame I never heeded it.

[Chats? What Chats?]

PS - Sorry Big-girls-blouse :)

.
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 15:36, 3 replies)

hmmmmmmm
My Gran once told me....

Never look a badger in the eye on a Tuesday
If it's raining in the village down the road
If you see a frog on a Saturday or Wednesday
It's probably not a frog, but a toad.

The wind that blows from the West is better
Than the wind that blows from the South
Your Grampy likes a blowjob on a Sunday Morning
But I don't let him come in my mouth.

....never forgot it.
( insignificantsnivellinglittleturd I Like Peas, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 15:29, 3 replies)

Cassandra
First off, I'm not pessimistic by nature.

Quite the opposite in fact, I'm often chided for being overly optimistic and 'it'll all come out in the wash'.

Over the last couple of years though, I've come to the increasing realisation that the global maths doesn't add up and we're in deep, deep shit. I think this needs to be said. Indulge me if you've five mins.

It's Oil of course. But the problem is flow rates, not stock.

Here's my evidence:

- oil/liquid transportable fuel represents labour you don't have to do. We're here in large numbers now largely because of this.

- Despite 40 years of advances in technology, the decade in which we found the most oil was the 1960s.

- All the OPEC countries over inflated their reserve estimates (2-3 fold) in the 1980s to increase production quotas.

- Even BP estimates, based on the OPEC over estimates only give us 40 years of oil max.

- Biofuels are just 3-4% of daily consumption and production already competes with grain/water resources.

- Tar sands offer only 2-3% of daily consumption and are 20-30x as expensive to extract as 'sweet crude'.

- Oil has doubled in price in the last year, and an extra 2.5 million barrels per day is the max the Saudis are prepared/can/able to pump out. We need 90+ million barrels/ day at the moment and an extra 3 billion more people in the next 30 years aren't going to help.

- Current estimates of peak oil (maximum extraction) are now to 2011 +/- a year, regardless of whether we turns the lights off or not.

- Fuel protests are already happening, and blockades of depots eg Stanlow caused meltdown in cities within 3 days. We only have 18 days of gas storage in the UK.

- The UK started importing gas for the first time in 2007. We didn't notice huge rises initially because Norway and Russia tendered separately for the (new) business and we were essentially over stocked. Winter 2008 will see us totaly vulnerable to global prices with no leverage.


I really don't see a way out of this. Anarchy, civil war, riots, mass migration, starvation and chaos, pockets of never oil dependent civilisations dotted about the globe, with a few Tom and Barbara Good types (armed to the gunwhales of course) thrown in for good measure in a technological stone age.

It scares the living shit out of me on a daily basis.

And the advice?

Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

refs:
theoildrum.blogspot.com/
wolf.readinglitho.co.uk/
www.aspo-ireland.org/index.cfm?page=speakerArticles&rbId=5
(Countryslicker, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 15:27, 109 replies)

Where babies come from...
When I was about 13 I remember an old guy I did some gardening for saying upon hearing of the news that I had a new baby sister:

"Oh, well, I guess it's probably time you should know how all that works..."

WTH!!?? If your parents have three kids in the time you are able to cognitively take notice of the fact you are definitely certain to know what's going on. And how. And why. Or was I just a privileged child to be entrusted with that information by loving and unsqueamish parents??
(satellite blows, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 15:10, Reply)

Best man's speech
At the wedding of a close mate of mine, I signed off with this golden nugget of advice...

"Remember folks - love between 2 people can be a wonderful thing. Between 3 or more it can be simply magnificent...."
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Wed 25 Jun 2008, 14:58, Reply)

Any advice mother?
When I was just a little just a little spikeypickle I asked my mother what will I be.
Will I be handsome?
Will I be rich ?
Here's what she said to me

Que sera sera
Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera sera

Pretty shit really
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 14:56, 2 replies)

Frankie says Relax
They're old now right?
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 14:49, Reply)

Coach Finstock's sound advice...
There are three rules that you should live by:

Never get less than twelve hours sleep.

Never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city.

And never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body.
(sewer urchin wants a hug, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 14:28, 10 replies)

Gurkha's knife
I was once told that your cock is like a gurkha's knife. Once you take it out you MUST use it.
(monkeys in underpants, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 14:08, 10 replies)

While We're On A Culture Kick
.
I thought I'd add a verse from that old racist, Kipling.

This has special meaning to me as my nephew, 21 year old commando who thinks he's indestructible, was on his first tour in this place last year. Not a day went by without this verse running through my head.

When you're wounded and left on Afghanistan's plains,
And the women come out to cut up what remains,
Jest roll to your rifle and blow out your brains
An' go to your Gawd like a soldier.

Cheers

He came home OK. Thank God.
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 14:04, Reply)

By eck
As i'm now over 30, surely everything i say is technically advice?

In that light, i say to you: Get a job and a haircut you hippy :-)

(Shameless post to say hello and that i haven't dropped off the face of the earth)
(james_tiger_woods is going to start his killing spree on the, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 13:57, 9 replies)

poetry
whilst we're quoting other people, a bit of culture:

WHEN I was one-and-twenty
I heard a wise man say,
‘Give crowns and pounds and guineas
But not your heart away;

Give pearls away and rubies
But keep your fancy free.’
But I was one-and-twenty,
No use to talk to me.

When I was one-and-twenty
I heard him say again,
‘The heart out of the bosom
Was never given in vain;
’Tis paid with sighs a plenty
And sold for endless rue.’

And I am two-and-twenty,
And oh, ’tis true, ’tis true.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 13:49, 71 replies)

Carpet fitter
I once done a bit of casual work with a carpet fitter in my early years. One day he was on about his past exploits and general tom-foolery with the ladies on various jobs and he came out with a gem of advice.

"If I see some fanny I've got to fuck it - you should never turn it down"

I heeded old Tony's advice and I can proudly say that I only have 18 months left on my prison sentence for rape.
(Chappers, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 13:47, 2 replies)

bindun, but my granddad said it too...
He told me that he'd once seen a gravestone, on which was emblazoned the legend:

"Wherever you go,
Whererever you be,
Always let your wind go free -
For keeping it in was the death of me."

I have followed this sage advice to the letter, to the extent that no one will sit near me at work, my missus sleeps in a gas mask and all of my y-fronts have holes at the back as well as the front.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 13:40, Reply)

Wise
A wise old father of a friend told me he could hear light.

dementia is a beautiful thing.
( NeeNoo, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 13:36, 13 replies)

Bless him.
The man was a genius. I had never heard of him until I moved to the USA many moons ago. On returning to England I spread the good word and many dvds to friends.

Last saturday my better half downloaded the 08 HBO special as we had not watched him in years and the 'old fuck' was fantastic. Then two days later he dies.

This week I am going to watch Top Gear and hope the same happens to that gobshite Clarkson.

"I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. "
(Tugnut I got them all..., Wed 25 Jun 2008, 13:35, 12 replies)

Advice that could save your life
My grandad was full of sage advice such as "never trust a man with small feet" and "never trust a man who keeps his money in a purse" both of which have stood me in good stead.

However, his best piece of advice was "never trust a Welshman". Back in 1940 he got pissed with a Welshman and both of them agreed to join up the following day. Next morning my grandad went down to the recruiting station and signed up. As for Taffy, he was nowhere to be seen. Cue several years in the desert for Grandad being shot at by the Bosch!
(give it six weeks and it might clear up would like to butter your muffin, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 13:25, Reply)

Bollocks and LAN parties
My dad once gave me these fantastic bits of advice:

"Never spray deodrant on your bollocks!"

I later found out why.

And at the age of 14, when heading off to a LAN party (for the uninitiated, that's where a room full of geeks network their PC's and play multiplayer games such as Quake III, UT, and the like)

"Don't smoke, don't drink..." (So far, so good...)
"...and NO SEX!"

Like that's likely to happen at a LAN party.

He also told me never to buy a DAF Daffodil. Because otherwise I might have done, obviously.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 13:22, Reply)

"If can't say anything nice, Say nothing at all"
*Humpty continues to heed the great advice, and goes back to quietly waiting for the Next good QOTW*
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 25 Jun 2008, 13:07, 2 replies)

Number 1 rule that shouldn't be forgotten:
it's only teh Interweb.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 12:58, 16 replies)

My Grandfather...
My favourite was:

"It's better to let people think you're an idiot than to prove it for them"

...Advice that many people on forums and at work would do well to remember.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 25 Jun 2008, 12:48, 9 replies)

Brewers Droop
At a works night out with 2 of my 50+ colleagues the wisdom imparted was:

"Never get involved with a man who drinks, they can't get it up."

Sage advice indeed and to be fair they don't know I'm a lesbian.
(DryGoldfish, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 12:45, 18 replies)

An old nun...
...once told me never to wear patent shoes with a skirt as people can see your knickers reflected in the patent shinyness.

True.
(ShockerMocker, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 12:43, 3 replies)

Dont get old
Linky - cos I dont know how to post pics -


thegarageblog.com/garage/wp-content/uploads/evel1.jpg
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 12:42, Reply)

insert relative here
insert witty / sage advice here

insert life changing experience here

bah fucking humbug, sorry all, in a proper "can't be arsed with anything at the moment" mood today

my advice, aim for a simple life, other people just make things complicated and painful.

buys small island, hermits.
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 12:41, Reply)

I suppose that, at 37, I could be considered an 'old type'...
I think I was the oldest person at the bash last week at any rate.

So, my sage advice would be this:

Never pass up an opportunity to engage in conversation with a random stranger in a pub. If there's a table with a spare couple of seats, and the current occupants look friendly, ask if you can sit down. Play your cards right, within 20 minutes you'll have discovered a mutual love of innuendo and sick jokes, and they'll be inviting you and your significant other to dinner the next weekend.

Next thing you know, you'll have a solid mate for life, regardless of whether he's in this country or thousands of miles away.

Morning Legless! How's you and the missus?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Wed 25 Jun 2008, 12:37, 7 replies)

OAP Advice
My family moved fast until I came along: when I was born my grandmother was 45. By the time I was packed off to boarding school she was 58.

After my first few terms there she hit 60 and my sexual interests started to move from my bed-post to boys... she caught me in bed with a young man once and smiled before quetly beating a retreat.

Not long after that she and I were the only ones at home, and we'd both had a couple of glasses of wine.

Mid conversation my dear sweet granny came out with a question that made me splutter in my wineglass like a drowning whoopee-cusion.

"Have you tried bum-sex yet dear?"
"um, No gran"
"Well you should: Your grandfather and I used to have a very good time doing that"
*blink blink*

*********************************

When my gran died she looked a little like Joan Hickson in Miss Marple - Calm, well-spoken and very proper. Her funeral went well with many old friends praising her seemingly endless ability to give excellent advice. I failed to publicly attribute my enjoyment of anal sex to my grandmother's advice, but I like to think that she knew.
(Chocolate and Wine misses her bed, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 12:28, 1 reply)

I wish a parent or grandparent had warned me
to NEVER use 'peppermint zing' shower gel.

*wince*
(Northern Lovely, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 12:02, 28 replies)

If I could take one piece of advice, it would be from Buz Lurhmann
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97... wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be IT.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

You are NOT as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.


Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.


Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.


Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.


Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.
(drain_bamaged, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 11:52, 18 replies)