You can't spell Bert Monkeysex
Without Madam Marlboro being a git.

;D
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:10, Reply)

You can't spell
"Psychotherapist" without "psycho rapist".
( Cawl, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:08, 1 reply)

You can't spell
"fundamentalist" without "da"

*sigh*
( Kroney, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:07, Reply)

When filling out a form
never list your religion as "Amway".
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 26 Jun 2008, 14:03, 4 replies)

oh dear
you can't say "Mattersons" without saying "mmm"
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 13:59, Reply)

Or
you can't spell miisssissipi missisippi misisipppi no you're right you can't spell it.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 13:58, Reply)

You can't spell obsequious
without IOU

"I'll have to take your word for that one"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 13:47, Reply)

Or alternatively
There's no funeral without fun.
(Bazongaloid, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 13:45, Reply)

A favourite one of mine
you can't spell slaughter without laughter

bear that in mind
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 13:42, Reply)

Just in case anyone has missed it.
Please read Happylittletulip's play here

jelly.b3ta.com/questions/oldpeoplespeaktruths/post182797

It's very very funny.

Honest!
( girlinthehole, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 13:03, 8 replies)

ATM
The very first time I used a cash machine, it asked whether I would like an advice slip with my crisp new fiver. Of course I said yes, hoping for a cryptic fortune-cookie-esque riddle but expecting just to be told to keep my PIN a secret.

Imagine my disappointment when it turned out just to be receipt.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 13:02, 3 replies)

bored
advice?

"women eh? fuck em"


sigh works on sooo many levels.

well 2 anyway.

is it the weekend yet?
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 12:41, 2 replies)

A friend's dad.
A colleague of mine flies a lot on business... and always explains to his ageing father where he's going.

A few weeks ago he said "It's Germany tomorrow dad: I'm flying to Frankfurt"

His dad looked shocked, very worried and then sad... and said "Please don't go Son: there's terrible Flak over Frankfurt"...
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 26 Jun 2008, 12:08, 2 replies)

Dad's prophetic words
41 years ago I was 10 years old and asked my Dad a WW2 and Omaha Beach landings veteran, "Dad do you think there will be another war in Europe?" his answer surprised me then, and haunts me now.

"No Geoff the biggest threat to the security of Europe comes from Islam those people are fanatics who believe we must all become Muslims or die, they believe its good to die for the cause, so we cant even defeat them unless we can kill them all"

If he could see it 40 years ago, why couldn't our so called leaders!
(nitro fan, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 11:55, 28 replies)

My dear old Dad
On his deathbed, one of his final nuggets of advice was...

"Get rid of that bloody financial sausage"
(JohabMorelli is spenging merrily away, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 11:14, 4 replies)

From an old boss...
...giving a patronising pep talk to gee up the troops. "There's no 'I' in T-E-A-M".

A whispered voice from the back "Aye, but there is a 'ME'!".
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 26 Jun 2008, 10:41, 7 replies)

because it's just been mentioned on Radio 4
"you can't be too rich or too thin".

I own half a house mortgage and am 138 lbs. That'll do.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 10:31, 9 replies)

from a really lame partner
at my first law firm:

assumptions make an ass out of u and me .

no, ian.

you make an ass out of u .
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 10:22, 6 replies)

Two pieces of great advice I was given:
"Never trust an epigram" by a wine soaked creative writing lecturer at uni, who was full of ridiculous pieces of humourous and scathing advice.

Another favourite of mine was: "Yesterday is the tomorrow you were worried about the day before"
( BlueHaze Chutney. All good., Thu 26 Jun 2008, 10:08, Reply)

BEHOLD
I have a little screw!! (awaits tiny knob gags, whatever) yeah yeah it's supposed to be a jimmy hill - i see screw so therefor it is
*waves self centered stubby little hand dismissively*

oh how i love my tiny silver screw - it completes me *sighs* - awaits further abuse from nrmerians who dont understand whining is what we The British *stands* have instead of therapists and all that introspective wank.

*forgives all the narky cunts*

even Azra3l - a shimmering great pile of wank if ever there was (love you)

IN FACT I LOVE YOU ALL *gushes*

lets have a new QOTW to celebrate
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 9:45, 12 replies)

My dad always told me
that if you drink enough to throw up, you've had a rubbish night.

Last night I had 10 cheap beers in the pub. I ruined my chances with a very beautiful girl by making a complete drunken dickhead of myself, went home (after fighting the urge to chuck up on the bus), took my boots off...and then threw up in them.

Both of them. In equal amounts.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 9:23, 5 replies)

if they're healhy enough to get there
they're healthy enough to fucking wait. Give up seats, open doors etc, but this is just silly.
( lordsaccharine b3taing is well retro mate, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 9:21, Reply)

My Granny
Always used to say:
''If your nose runs and your feet smell, then god built you upside down''

OK... not technically advice... but it stuck.

Click if you're going to repeat this the next time you have the sniffles... go on.. you know you will.
(Poombah the destroyer where did tutt and dth go, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 8:55, Reply)

My old dad always used to tell me..
..'if you don't get your icon for b3ta, be sure to whine about it on QOTW, the mods spend hours of every day trawling through the badly written lies, just to check on who needs their icon'.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 8:10, 19 replies)

some old bloke
I cant remember who said this to me but i think its someone whom i uaed to work with, anyway...

"Never have anything to do with a man who wears sandals in winter , ESPECIALLY if they have painted toenails "

'nuff said really.
(welgar, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 7:36, 2 replies)

Sage advice on how to get laid at parties
Go ugly early son, avoid the rush.

I saw his wife when she visited the home. Clearly a man to follow his own advice.
(beaverwastemanagement a real company. I want to work for them!, Thu 26 Jun 2008, 4:48, Reply)

mmm nice filth beckyjsbx
well done on that one!

my advice, as i approach 21 in hexadecimal next week, is never - and i repeat never - bite on a ladybird.

It is a taste i simply cannot describe as bad. And it has a taste that lasts longer than an old mans nutsack. It is red (and black) for a vry good reason.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Thu 26 Jun 2008, 0:14, 4 replies)

Nan loved b3ta
told me never to post on a wednesday in the qotw
(Heyzeus, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 23:13, Reply)

My mother...
"Let he who see shit clean it"

If it bothers you, then you do something about it. Useful for throwing at my housemates when they moan about the place being a tip!
(ethylmethanoate wants your chips, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 22:33, 2 replies)

If I were you
The snow was falling all around as Rachel was bumbling along the road in the way that all good Rachel’s do when she spotted a pretty shiney nestled among the tightly packed snowflakes. As she bent to pick it up she collided with a tall striking man. Both uttering their apologies they backed away, while still maintaining eye contact. He was very easy on the eye she thought to herself, deep Brown eyes with flecks of green, amazing bone structure and she could see from the outline of his suit that he worked out.

She could feel the heat in her rising despite the freezing temperature and knew she had to have him. He took her gloved hand and together they walked in silence toward the local park. It was deserted as schools had not yet let out for the day and there was only a couple of tramps at the other end near the woodland bit.

They both knew what they wanted, each other, right fucking now, but with nowhere to go it was even more frustrating. Together they built a chair out of snow, all the while sharing long lingering glances. He would occasionally brush past her and his hand would glide over her perfectly formed rear when he bent to get more snow. She in return would casually squeeze between him and the chair on the pretext of moulding the chair into shape, smiling as he caught his breath.

Finally after a good 20 minutes or so the chair was finished. It was magnificent with a curved back, long sloping side rests and a seat wide enough for two. He sat down and gestured to Rachel to join him on his lap. She did so willingly. All the exertion of creating the chair had left them both rather flushed, but as she leaned in for their first kiss, she noticed the colour deepening in his cheeks and felt his heart racing against her shoulder. Their kiss deepened as they began exploring each others tongues and Rachel outwardly sighed as he reached his hand under her coat and started removing her bra. “Stop if I’m going too fast” were the only words he uttered which only made Rachel want him more.

Within a couple of minutes they were down to their underwear, sneaking furtive glances around, but still the park remained empty aside from the tramps on the other side of the park. The cold air made goosebumps of their skin, but his throbbing cock was very much heated and ready for action. He gently guided her head downwards onto it, but she wanted to tease him a little at first. Small butterfly kisses and then deep swirling licks to the shaft saw him moaning for release almost immediately, but Rachel was relentless. She expertly deep throated him, pulling him deeper and deeper into her warm moist mouth until he was on the verge of creating her several warm salty pearl necklaces. Gently tugging on his balls she steered him away from the verge of cumming and then taking one in her mouth she looked up to see him off on another planet in ecstasy.

Meanwhile he’d been manoeuvring his way downwards, kissing all the way down her mostly naked body until he reached the source of her heat where he began with soft kisses and gentle licks to her lips and inner thighs, she moaned in pleasure as it had never felt like this before. He quickly located her clit and began massaging it with his tongue, sucking and applying gentle pressure just in the right place while she began to write and moan. He held tight and soon she was breathing so heavily the two of them looked like a steam train, the amount of steam rising from the melting chair was giving off.

The two tramps spotted this and through the haze of the Special brew they were supping on thought something was amiss as this park was their territory and no one in their right mind would come here during the day when it was so cold out. They ambled over to the beast with two backs, sniggering when they realised what they’d stumbled upon. The taller hairier of the two cleared his throat and hocked up a green one, spitting it onto the ground next to them, startling them out of their play time.

Rachel screamed and bolted for the nearest tree to hide behind while he looked a little bashful and started gathering clothes together, appendage still merrily wagging from side to side as he did. They got dressed and started to exit the park looking as least suspicious as they could with her coat over her arm and one shoe on and his hair a ruffled mess when the shorter fatter tramp yelled out...

“If I was you love, I’d ...”

Don’t you hate it when that happens?

*may be based on a true story*
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Wed 25 Jun 2008, 21:53, 20 replies)