Like Father, Like Son. Not.
A couple of years ago I'd just gotten my first job. This was in no small part down to my mother who had gone out of her way to help me get there in the first place. As a result I decided to blow quite a large chunk of my newly acquired wages on a really nice birthday present for her; a gold bracelet. She opened it and the look on her face made my new found poverty (almost) worthwhile. After staring at it disbelievingly for a while she realised she wasn't done yet and turned her attention to my father's present. 'What could top that?' she must have been thinking as she opened it.

I'm guessing not a garlic press.

The two of us were talking later and she'd got suitably hammered to celebrate. After telling me how much she loved her bracelet for the fiftieth time she suddenly went quiet. I looked round to see her staring into the middle distance deep in thought. "I wish I'd married you." She said quietly.

Yeah, I try to keep contact down to a minimum these days.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Fri 23 Dec 2005, 20:06, Reply)

panic buying
for my wifes birthday this year, she received from me her devoted husband, a car jack and axel stands.

still she hasn't moaned about her car not working for months
(andrew748, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 19:23, Reply)

Marshmallows
Last year an ex got a new job only a few weeks before christmas. Orientation was a nightmare and she was working every hour that god sent not to have her contract terminated. She worked up until lunch time on Christmas Eve and then made a frantic dash from one end of the country to the other to be home in time for the big day. She made it to the pub at about ten that night, we'd been drinking all day and I was slightly the worse for wear. After telling us all her story of woe she asked me the oddest question. "Do you like marshmallows?" Being drunk I answered honestly. "Christ no, I fucking hate them! They taste like little clouds of vomit!"

Guess what I unwrapped from her the next day? The poor thing had been worked so hard she'd had to do all her christmas shopping at a motorway services on the way home. I felt so guilty I couldn't look her in the eye until the new year.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Fri 23 Dec 2005, 19:11, Reply)

Engage Brain While Shopping
Last year my mother stumbled in on the 23rd of December, dropped more bags than I could count on the floor and headed straight for an open bottle of wine wailing 'Right. That's it. I'm finished. No more.' with resolute finality. She seemed so relieved that she had finally gotten everything out of the way and managed to buy presents for our entire (rather large) extended family that I didn't have the heart to point out her major faux pas as we wrapped them later on.

For my Uncle she'd bought a build-it-youself kit of one of those games where you have to guide the hook along the wire without touching it otherwise it buzzes. When she told me who it was for I queried it, sure that I'd mishead her, but no it was indeed for my Uncle. 'He used to love making things' she said 'and it'll keep him and the grandkids busy for ages, your Auntie will think its heaven sent.' she concluded. I bit my lip and muttered an 'okay' before leaving the room quickly in case I started laughing. She seemed to have forgotten the minor fact that my uncle had been diagnosed with parkinsons only six months earlier.

As much as I love him I spent the entire day giggling over the fact that their christmas would be punctuated by a constant stream of 'Right.' Buzz. 'Fuck!' Buzz. 'Arseholes!' Buzz. 'Shitfuckwankertitbum!' Buzz. Very possibly followed by the sound of things being gleefully smashed into smithereens.

This year she bought him gloves. Phew.
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Fri 23 Dec 2005, 18:58, Reply)

Ant Farm
In a fit of desperation I thought an ant farm would be a great gift for my friend's 20th birthday, how exciting! You can watch your little ant friends beavering away behind their prison of glass. I guess I didn't consider that she might find the idea of ants in her room (and their imminent escape) a bit gross. Ah well I'm sure the picture of her head photoshopped onto a monkey's body cheered her up.
(toffee pop, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 18:45, Reply)

Deep family secret
When I was about 7, I got tired of never getting what I wanted for Christmas. So I took all this 70s gawdy jewelry my mom had - you know, the wooden string of beads necklace, the giganto rhinstone clip-on earings, stuff that would go for big $$$ on e-Bay - and wrapped them in a small box, and said they were to me from my brother.

I put it under the tree when nobody was looking and later acted surprised when I saw it. "It's Legos!" I'd scream with delight as I shook it. My parents and brother looked confused and whispered to each other. "No, I didn't get him anything," my brother said.

So my parents thought they'd pull a fast one on me, and swapped the jewelry with real Legos. I go up, shake the box and throw a fit! "These aren't Legos!" I screamed, "This is just stupid jewelry!" and threw the box down the stairs. More confused whispering. I ran to my room crying.

So they swapped it back, and I was elated when I heard the characteristic jingle of cheap jewelry. "Oh! It's Legos!" I smiled excitedly.

Christmas Eve, we open our presents and "Whoa! It's jewelry! Oh, thanks Bro! I thought it was Legos this whole time! Wow, you really had me fooled!" I can still see my brother's look: WTF?

I was a very unique little boy.
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 18:44, Reply)

Everyone Loves A Good Book
My parents have always had a crappy relationship and one or other of the useless gets has always been threatening to leave and not come back. Usually, however, they can be relied upon to keep it at least civil for family occasions. Until last christmas that is, when they didn't speak for the entire surrounding week and on the day literally threw their presents at each other muttering 'bitch' and 'bastard' under their breath as they did so.

With hindsight it probably wasn't the best idea for them to try and lighten the tension by opening the joint present I'd got for them; Coping With Divorce by Keith Barrett. In a last minute shopping rush it just seemed so apt I couldn't resist.

"Too far." They muttered in stereo as they both stormed out in different directions. Screw them though, one of my mates got me a slinky. Yay!
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Fri 23 Dec 2005, 18:38, Reply)

Never.....
...be in doubt, when alcohol is about. Whether it be parents, siblings or teachers, alcohol in any form will get you the thumbs up on christmas.
(popcorndude81 witness of the http://b3ta.com/talk/5000000, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 18:21, Reply)

A pregnant Santa in drag
Every year my hubby and I have this gay tradition that we exchange a really nice (read expensive) christmas tree decoration. Thus we thought, by the time we're in our forties our tree will truly look fantastic (if it wasn't for the bits of cruddy tinsel and pasta on a string that our kids bring home from school every year - but that's another story).

Anyway, last year this tradition was cancelled forever due to the disgust that greeted my tree ornament. I had a feeling as I unwrapped the handpainted goose egg with gold filigree from him that my gift was not going to be quite in the same league, but at this point it was too late, and getting funnier by the second.

So smirking away I let him unwrap the BEST Santa tree ornament I ever found. He was handcarved, handpainted, full drag make-up, white elbow gloves, big boobies and pregnant belly.

He was not amused. God some people have no sense of humour. He only let me hang it on the tree if I put it at the back.

Come to think of it I haven't seen it this year - bastard.
(Peelmytangerines, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 18:10, Reply)

A story of soon-to-be woe
For Christmas, I've bought my mother the book of the television show "Grumpy Old Women." In retrospect, I realise this probably wasn't the best idea I've ever had.
(00tinytim00, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 17:42, Reply)

It's amazing what you find at the last minute...
I bought my girlfriend a mummified scarab beetle that had been turned into a brooché. It went down quite well... and so did she... buhbumtish
(blackfacedfightinggibbon, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 17:41, Reply)

A pig lighter
I got my girlfriend a pig lighter for her birthday, and yes, it does do what it says on the tin.

You pull back a lever on its head and two flames come out of its nose- whilst this may seem brilliant, she doesn't smoke.

Worst of all, when I gave it to her, I said "I saw this, and thought of you".
(Psythor, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 16:48, Reply)

.ummm...
i got my brother some new bedsheets for christmas this year

now thats panic buying
(Claude Speed was a Roman called Claudius Speedicus, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 16:42, Reply)

the boyfriend
It is Christmas eve tomorrow. I know he has ordered classy underwear, and about 3 huge boxes have turned up and he wont tell me what they are.

I however, have brought sod all.
Tomorrow is going to be fun... Will update when I get something.
(mmmm curry doesn't really understand this sig lark, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 16:38, Reply)

Dad's fifth wedding present...
So obviously present giving was in order. But I forgot. Which led me to rushing around Oxford desperately thinking what to get him, found myself in HMV and picked up possibly the most inappropriate DVD I could - Sideways.

And then went on to drunkenly sing The Last Time at the reception.

Cruel?

Perhaps.
(Thursday Next, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 16:27, Reply)

oops
no present for sister yet..
working tomorrow...
shit.
(HerrDoktorPinkPumpkin c===3, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 16:26, Reply)

Goo Goo Ga Joob
It was 1995. Attempting to do all my Christmas shopping in one afternoon, I bought my mum a Beatles Anthology.

I was not alone. She got 4 of them.
(><(((">, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 16:25, Reply)

My birthday a few years back
My friend was mad with herself for forgetting about it, but there wasn't much she could do about it since we were in school.
At the lunch bell she mysteriously disappeared and came back near the end of it, shopping bag in tow.

Apparently she had made her way through the woods behind the school and into the home and garden store on the other side.
She got me the first thing she saw that she could afford, which turned out to be a plastic garden gnome.

I still have him. He's named Edgar.
( trintrin has jam for blood, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 16:24, Reply)

Last year, my then-girlfriend spacked to the moon
She went quite seriously mental at me because I was going to pop into Hamley's and look for something to get her while she stayed with our friends. Apparently, I was trying to give her the slip, which meant I didn't love her and that I was a very very bad person indeed. But I still got away in the end, and was well aware that I had to give her the present within the next twenty minutes or there'd be no point in having bought it.

So I bought her an A5-sized 48-page Hello Kitty notebook, which isn't too bad a present, really, and I found within about ten seconds.

Except it cost SIX FUCKING QUID. SIX. FUCKING. QUID. I could buy about 8 notebooks from WH Smiths for that price and I spent six fucking quid on just the one because it had a shitting japanese kitten on the front being kawaii out of it's cunting earflaps. What kind of cunting extortion is that? Not one I'd stand for at any other time. Fuck me. Sanrio are all belming cuntspasms and they're never getting any of my money again.

Sex is not worth £6.
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 16:23, Reply)

A Lindt reindeer....
having bought, eaten, and replaced it 5 times already.

*yum*
(thisismyclone, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 16:22, Reply)

arrgghhhh
ive just grabbed a company calender (given away free every year) for my girlfriend, who i am seeing after work. I totally forgot i wouldnt be seeing her before christmas after tonite so...

wish me luck

p.s. I have just looked at, and it really is shit, i might go take another look round the coffee room for something else to snaffle
(uptonogood, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 15:59, Reply)

Xmas a couple of years ago...
was in my mates sports shop where he worked and realised that I should get this girl I liked a present; cue me getting her some..... golf balls. Didnt shag her.

This year I've bought my brothers and sisters Vodka. Happy dayz.
(Formaly Over say's hello, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 15:51, Reply)

Panic Buying
There would be the massive amount of medical supplies which I was given before I went to Denmark to train to do development work in Africa (that went tits up, but that's another story). It damn near took up half my rucksack. A big army bergen rucksack. My Mum must've been raiding the NHS storecupboards for months for that amount of paracetamol...

I did trigger panic buying once. In college, I started a rumour the TV license people were going round (hearing the collective slamming of doors and hiding of TVs on a very large uni campus is a sight to see, let me tell you). Much panic buying of TV licenses ensued from that one. Hey, I was doing them a favour! Ish.

And for myself, I once panic bought a shitload of pasta because I was sure I was going to run out of money at uni. Not only did I not run out of money (thanks Dad!) I also ended up not opening the bags (yes, bags- bags 3 kilos in weight that is- 5 of them!). Oh well... my family were sorted for pasta for months. I on the other hand ended up being known as Luigi for a time as people thought I had some kind of pasta fetish. Nice.
( jim_bob can herd cats., Fri 23 Dec 2005, 15:48, Reply)

Anniversary
In my family Mum's get anniversary presents from the kids as well as hubby. It seems mad to me. Anyone else do this?

Anyway, on the appointed day I gave my mother a Breville Snack and Sandwich toaster. I'm still pulling pieces of it out of my arse 20 years later. Well! There was no need for that!

She must have had the painters in or something. Bitch.
(gobbo, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 15:36, Reply)

CDs
Some people don't appreciate a good CD as a present. I think they're good, no one else does :(
(Danzo, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 15:24, Reply)

I met a girl
off teh net.

on the second meeting... (after frollicking on the first and thinking i was on for certain)

...shortly after arriving i presented her with... ...a sea monkey aquarium i'd bought from the gadget shop.

that pretty much ended the night, she kept leaving the room, within half an hour i was leaving (more like being ejected) and then i had to drive 150 miles home cursing myself.

she never saw, nor spoke to me ever again.

jammer.

NB. girls don't appreciate sea monkies. they come as eggs. in a packet. packets of insect eggs don't make girls hump you. fact.
(Nobody Likes Mortal Wombat, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 15:21, Reply)

My best mate's birthday,
well, on the day I realised that I hadn't got anything as I thought it was several weeks away. This is why he received a wind-up beetle and some slime in a plastic egg that my mum had lying around from my sister's birthday party.

Sorry Toby.

I just realised that this isn't technically buying but, er...
(scoob666 Ain't Nuthin' Ta F' Wit, Fri 23 Dec 2005, 15:20, Reply)