The Evil C's....
.
I don't eat carrots, cucumber or celery.

With cucumber and celery it's because I don't like the taste and/or texture. With carrots, it's because I was psychologically scarred when I was kid.

I went to infant’s school in the 60's and, in those days, school dinners were fucking dreadful. They were hygienic as they boiled the buggery out of everything they cooked. Sprouts? Boil the bugger for three hours. Cabbage? They're not mushy enough - look, they've still got some shape to them. Boil the buggers for another three hours. Same with carrots.

And I *really* didn't like stuff that had been boiled to death for days. So this one day we had an evil teacher overseeing the school dinners. And this one had it in for me. While being served, she noticed that I asked for *really* small portions of the boiled shit and then she had her eye on me. Up until this point in my school career, I'd managed to either palm off the stuff I really couldn't eat to some of the human dustbins or I'd somehow make it to the slops bucket without being stopped and dispose of the offending food in there. But this day I was knackered.

I finished what food I could and then tried to make it to the slop bucket while teacher was distracted. No chance. She was waiting for me to make my move. She whipped around and grabbed me before I'd gone three steps.

"Back to your seat" she snarled. "And don't get up again until you've eaten everything on your plate"

I was fucked. I sat there, unmoving while around me everyone finished their slop and went outside to play. Eventually there was just me and this teacher.

"Eat those carrots!!"

"I can't" I sniffed "I'll be sick"

"EAT THEM NOW OR IT'S THE STRAP FOR YOU!!!"

So I tried. I got a couple of cold, gravy-congealed carrots on a fork and tried to swallow them. And was sick. Everything I'd managed to eat at lunchtime came out all over my plate and lay there in a steaming pile.

Teacher went spastic. She grabbed me by the hair and slapped my face a few times.

"You did that on purpose!!!" she shrieked "You're going to sit there all afternoon and not move until you've eaten everything on that plate!!"

She was red-faced and spitting as she yelled now. She looked terrifying.

Anyway, to cut a long story short I sat there all afternoon while this demented harpy tried to make me eat a plate of vomit. Eventually school was over and I was sent home with a note to my mother where I got another belting. No idea what was in the note but it couldn't have been good.

And that, my friends is why I can't stand carrots.

Cheers


P.S. I was 5.
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 1 Mar 2007, 15:43, Reply)