Simple, but effective - being myself
***Tangential-to-topic alert***
***Unfunny alert also***

This is a long one but I'm afraid to say that it worked (in getting me unceremoniously dumped).

I met someone a couple of years ago whilst in the depths of a seriously depressive episode (unmedicated at the time - now medicated, thankfully, see below) and fell absolutely head over heels for her (walking on air, giggling like a teenager (I'm in my late 30s),the whole nine yards).

She (G) was everything I had ever wanted in a partner; hugely (intimidatingly) intelligent, funny, physically attractive, talented in everything (i.e., as well as being a scientist type was also an outdoorsy type and a musical type) ... absolutely everything.

All went swimmingly. We met on the Tuesday evening, on the Friday went away for the weekend to pick up my car and drive back to the UK, moved in together on the Sunday, got a dog, spent Christmas together, met her family and friends, joined in all of the family events and everything seemed to be going swimmingly were it not for the skeletons within my closet all of which I'd hidden away in the interests of not losing this wonderful human being that I'd met.

HUGE Mistake.

Two days after coming back from a great holiday in June 2007 to the Maldives for a weeks' diving, she left me. The skeletons that I'd made tangential allusion to (but by agreement between us we hadn't explored together) avalanched and overwhelmed us both.

At that point I reacted in a typically overdramatic fashion and threw myself headlong into work. She said that none of the skeletons mattered but that, having kept them in place for so long, she couldn't and wouldn't come back.

This threw my sideways and I've since been in treatment on a regular basis, my health insurance paying a fortune to a consultant on a weekly basis who's managing to pay his mortgage on the basis of all of my (perceived or real) inadequacies.

My consultant has a quote from me that he uses on a regular basis - "My crime is being Edmund, unfortunately my punishment is also being Edmund"

I've been being medicated with lamotrigine (50mg) and venlaflaxine (225mg) since November 2007 and it's been increased twice (current levels in parantheses). I'm now in a long-wavelength, low-amplitude, low-frequency cycle and feel a LOT better if emotionally somewhat numb.

Do I miss the emotional highs (the hypomanic states)? Yes, sometimes - I got huge, superhuman amounts done in limited time and managed to produce a very high quality of research / patent output.

Do I miss the lows, standing on a bridge calculating velocities and, to quote the Barenaked Ladies, "Frightened of jumping / In case they survive"? Hell NO.

As for the cattle market that is the field of human relationships, I've been "off the market" for the last year and I'm now only tentatively beginning to feel my way back to it. It's difficult, especially when the full weight of my past comes out - I fear hiding things from people but at the same time try not to act like a human tsunami of all of the crap from my past irrespective of the good stuff that's gone with it; anything other than total disclosure from the outset seems to be an act of betrayal by me and I have to learn how to temper this.

So - if someone called Edmund drops in to your "real" (non-online) life - feel free to ask him a series of difficult questions and I can guarantee that he'll answer them with abundant total and complete candour. Just please don't be disappointed that he's done that when you ask.

Peace and love, y'all.

Ed.
(Eds Meds Mathskillz=1,Socialskillz=0, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 6:08, 11 replies)

eh
i was on ventlaflaxine once i know what you mean by emotional numbness you just care about nothing
(pancakes_n_ham, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 8:35, closed)

it's not easy,
and I also know how hard it can be to handle "stable".
Good luck and take care.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 9:08, closed)

I like this
it has got me wondering what the skeletons could possibly be, but I'm not rude enough to ask.

So, I'll just assume that it's the dark, dark skeletons in the dark, dark closet, under the dark, dark stairs of a dark, dark house. -Where the Funnybones live.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 9:37, closed)

Good luck with that
It takes a lot of balls to write about mental health issues, and you've managed it in a fantasticly engaging way too.

Hope things keep on the level for you.
*clicks*
( Cawl, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 9:41, closed)

*clicks*
*cakes*
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:35, closed)

Definitely brave...
...thanks for sharing. The next Edmund I meet it is for some interesting questioning!

*sticks counsellor's hat on*
( thealternativefact, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 10:47, closed)

All the best
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:27, closed)

^this
*points at Kaol*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:39, closed)

*click*
Good luck. Life is work in progress.
(GirlOfTheWorld, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 11:58, closed)

Brave post
Good for you posting this matey, difficult circs and nicely styled

*clicky*

Best of luck
( Strangey is present at, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 12:10, closed)

Bo
diddley is dead?
(Catch21, Wed 11 Jun 2008, 15:31, closed)