Piss
On a recent night out, in the space between club and McDonalds one of my friends decided that the thing he needed most in the whole wide world was a piss: the kind that only sneaks up on you when you've been boozing heavily (or are in your 80s with a prostate the size of a small melon); the kind that means you need to go right now, and it's either going to be on a wall in the city centre, or down your legs.

Said friend chose the wall option: or to be more accurate, a shop door. After finishing up with a cheery jiggle, he turned around. To see a unhappy looking lady and gentleman, who happened to be wearing the uniforms of police officers. Because they were the police.

"What were you doing there?"
"Errr...." Shit. No way out of this one... "Pissing."
"Hmm. You know that's someones shop door, don't you?"
"Well yes, I suppose it is."
"That's not very nice for them, is it?"
"No."
"Well, what are you going to do about it then?"
"Errm..." Doubleshit "Clean it up?"
"Good idea. Go on then"
"But I don't have anything to do it with!"
"Well... Use your t-shirt."
"Seriously?"
"Well, that, or hop in the van..."

Friend removed tshirt (luckily a £3 primark job) and dabbed at the piss for a few moments.

"Excellent, well done. Have a nice night."

Not everyone will agree, but I'd consider that a win-win. Friend gets punished for being a dick, but not in a way with any lasting consequences, and the policemen/women amuse themselves save themselves the effort of doing anything harsher.
(Merrep, Thu 12 May 2011, 10:26, 4 replies)

Agreed.
I'd lose a shirt rather a night in the cells and a caution for drunk and disorderly or criminal damage.

And it's fucking funny.
(Set your faces to Stunned Bigly, Thu 12 May 2011, 11:04, closed)

Friend punished = win
Police entertained = win
Use of arbitrary, humiliating punishments by those paid to uphold and enforce the rule of law = It all seems like fun and games now, but this is exactly how Judge Dredd got started.
(leviticus no longer likes the cut of your gib on, Thu 12 May 2011, 11:04, closed)

I like this
having to mop doorways free of the previous nights piss when I worked in town as a lad
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 12 May 2011, 11:12, closed)

Had a similar experience...
... but the 'pisser' in question was a 14 year old girl, and she was pissing against the wall of the local nick.

Never figured our of she was making a political protest, or just had no awareness of where she was.

She was kindly asked (made) to sit in her own piss to soak it up.
( Another_tragic_case wished he hadn't eaten all the cake, Thu 12 May 2011, 12:33, closed)