Teddy bears...
Not exactly "gone mad" but worth a quick post. Weve got bear going round the office at the moment. You know the drill, pay a pound and you get your name entered into a raffle to name him/her. My suggestion of Mohammed didnt go down too well :P Read the news if you want more info!

Long time lurker first time poster
(Grove is the collector of WOO and hoarder of YAY, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 12:10, Reply)

I once got punched in the face in the West Indian center in Leeds
for wearing a Rammstein T-shirt.

No idea why.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 11:50, Reply)

5 minutes ago
my boss just said (in response to someone calling her untidy) "well, talk about the pot calling the kettle a greasy arsed bastard!!!!!"

when questioned on the reason behind this, she said she didn't want to offend anyone in earshot so changed it... but obviously doesn't mind being racist towards "greasy arsed bastards".. sorry, "Native Italians"

so to sum it all up, my boss is a retard and proves the theory of IQ vs Salary being directly inverse.

Click "I like this!" if ... well. you liked this I suppose

oh.. and I have a big cock or something!
(ShavenLunatic says touch your nose!, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 11:39, 3 replies)

sometimes pc is needed more
approximately 600 children and teenagers have gone missing since Maddie disappeared. Less photogenic?
(housetits is channelling Natalie Cassidy - then, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 11:27, 3 replies)

Landmines
BobFossil reminds me: in the mid 1990s, when BSE was doing its thing, the Cambodian government offered to take all those cows that were going to be slaughtered anyway so that they could be set "free" on a minefield. The proposal was vetoed on the basis that it would be cruel.

Whereas feeding them ground up bits of their relatives' brains, and killing them if the cow next to them happened to grind its teeth is perfectly OK.

A mad world, my masters.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 11:21, Reply)

I was just about to...
... post a cautionary tale about the dangers of abusing yourself with a rotting cucumber...

But I think I'll just sit and wait quietly instead..
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Thu 29 Nov 2007, 11:20, 5 replies)

My non-pc "I'm going to Hull" moment.
I've just come back from travelling across Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam, taking in the sights, smells and sounds. And massages. Lots of massages. They're only about £2 for an entire hour out there. Bargain.

When in Phnom Penh, I decided to do something slightly different, and go to the "Seeing Hands" massage parlour. It's part of a charity set up to give employment to disabled Cambodians: in this case, the blind. They're trained in massage, earn relatively good money, and each have a non-blind or only partially-blind helper to guide them to and from work, bring in the next client etc.

I was slightly disconcerted to be getting an Abu-Hamza lookalike (minus the hook) for my massage, but shrugged it off. They obviously just don't have the same screaming paranoia about women only being treated by other women that we have succumbed to in the west.

Thing is, he didn't have any eyes. At all. Just scarred sockets (reading up on the place afterwards, it turns out that an awful lot of Cambodians lose their eyes in landmine accidents - they don't have to have stood on the thing, but the sheer amount of earth that's chucked up into the air means that a lot of debris can be driven into a bystander's face at extreme speed, destroying the eyeballs). However, the massage was good, my weary joints were being twisted into new and interesting shapes, and I was feeling nice and relaxed. Until he started on my bum. No pussyfooting around, he just grabbed a buttock in each hand and started squeezing, like a mong with two melons. It did feel good, but my inate Britishness was sitting up in my head, saying "erm...is this...ok? I mean, is he meant to be doing this?". Then he started slapping my arsecheeks. And then a bit more squeezing.
After a few minutes I just thought "Fuck it, it's probably fine, and it does feel nice. Anyway, it's not like I'm every going to see him again..."
And then I mentally added "And it's not like he's EVER going to see me..."
Realised what I'd just said to myself, and realised that there's a little bit of Hull set aside just for me.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 11:10, 3 replies)

selective aim
A friend of mine has a young boy (at the time of the anecdote, he was about 3yrs old). His parents are happy to let him live out his childish fantasies on the weekends, and he often chooses to go out in public as a tiny spiderman, pirate, football player, fireman, etc.

On this special day, he wore a soldier's costume, complete with tiny Kalashnikov, and amused himself in the traditional childhood manner by miming combat, complete with 'pow-pow-pow' noises. You know, cutesy-stuff when a kid does it. Totally harmless.

His mother took him out on an errand and during the course of the transaction, the shop-lady commented on the angelic boy in combat fatigues weaving and ducking around his mother's ankles.

'Oooh, that's a big gun!' says shop-lady in mock-horror.

'It's okay,' replies child. 'I only use it to shoot black people.'

*gulp*




(i think it's only fair to note that the child was referring to bay-guys-who-wear-black, and is in no way racist, or brought up in a racist household. but man, how awkward is that?)
(bumchutney, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 10:57, 1 reply)

Lesbian's...
I work in a Very Large chain of nightclubs, and about six months ago we employed a lesbian called "Tracy"* (lets call her that).

Within 4 weeks of joining she kept on touching the other female staff, giving free drinks to the ladies (we lost a lot of stock, and customers) we also had the violent mood-swings, it was a complete mistake to employ her.

When she was caught on CCTV actually giving away 16 drinks in 15 minutes, my boss finally lost it and sacked her for gross misconduct.

She is now suing the company for harrassment due to her sexuality. Now I am a Gay, and last week spent 5 hours explaining to a tribunial how she wasn't sacked for clam-licking, but for being a theif.

Forget the PC thing - I ended up getting two days off (paid) expenses paid because the tribunial was 120 miles away, so a new mobile phone has to be put down as expensives...

ME LUV PC for this...
(TIMBIonline available for any passing drunk sailor, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 10:31, Reply)

Bradford
I'm born and bred in Bradford, West Yorkshire. In Bradford they have Divali lights for Divali, and Eid lights for Eid. But for Christmas?
"Holiday Lights". Which are usually just the Eid/Divali lights with the words "Eid Mubarak" not lit up
(The Who Bird is eating Jaffa Cakes on, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 10:18, 3 replies)

last night
i went to see "fiddler on the roof" at the savoy. it was absolutely brilliant, btw. also you should go because the theatre was only about 1/4 full and i felt really sorry for the cast who were amazing.

anyway. my friend jen and i had never seen it before, but obviously we knew it was about a jewish family. before we met the others at the theatre, we decided to run to the ladies. it absolutely reeked of bleach and cleaning equipment, but, unbelievably for a theatre, there was noone else there - no Q, no waiting, no nothing. unbelievable.

so after we'd moaned about the smell, i said to jen, "it's really quiet here, where is everyone?"

and without thinking where we were, who else was likely to be there, what we were about to see, she replied...

"they've obviously gassed them all" !!!!!!!

she was so mortified when i started laughing. ok nothing to do with the qotw, but i am still laughing this morning so wanted to share...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 9:50, 4 replies)

In the Night Garden
My dad, though lovely, has led a sheltered life in the wilds of Northern Ireland where more or less everyone is white and either protestant or catholic - not a lot of diversity you might say - and so his language remains fairly 'unreconstructed'. Those of you with little kids will appreciate the joys of In The Night Garden, an uber-surreal programme narrated by a sinister Derek Jacobi - it's genius. My dad, sitting watching it one evening with my daugher suddenly piped up 'Oh look, Upsy Daisy's a wog'. My sister and I turned to stare at him, appalled. 'Never mind that' says I, 'Haven't you noticed that Iggle Piggle is BLUE, the Tomblieboos are multicoloured and STRIPEY, Macca Pacca has an OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER and the Pontypines are only 2 INCHES TALL?' But he didn't really get it.
(ShockerMocker, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 9:30, Reply)

PC gone out of the window
One evening I was out for a drink with some friends when we suddenly noticed a large amount of people behind and around our table using sign language. All fine (hey, it was a big group, at least they're not making much noise!)

A bit later a couple of us go up to the bar and I'm saying that I learnt some sign language while at University. The only words I remembered were vagina and cunt. (The only reason we learnt the cunt version was because someone mistakenly signed it in the class and the teacher begged her not to use it ever again)

Anyway, always willing to pass on new skills and knowledge to my friend, I show her how to sign the word cunt. On our return to the table (still surrounded by deaf people) she says, look what birdwoman taught me!! And signs the word cunt, while standing up and with exaggerated gestures in the midst of a lot of deaf people... Excellent work.
(birdwoman pissed herself at least once on, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 9:29, Reply)

More summing up…
Not that I condone Fascism…or any ‘-ism’ for that matter. ‘-isms’ in my opinion are NOT good. A man should not believe in an ‘-ism’, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon: ‘I don’t believe in Beatles, I just believe in me’. He had a good point there.

*From the wisdom of Ferris Bueller
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 29 Nov 2007, 9:24, 3 replies)

Summing Up...
...in the end, PC was a good idea at first but it's been mostly turned into obstructive bollocks by the ever-growing number of fucking idiots that are cluttering up the planet.

Well who'dve thought?
(thatblokeoverthere not quite as much an arsehole as I thought, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 8:58, 5 replies)

Complaining about racism is racist
I have a work college who is hard core racist, the whole "Hitler was right, I collect German WW2 propaganda" thing. I got sick of having to listen to this crap at work and tried to make a complaint only to be told
A) as I wasn't actually being subject to racist abuse directed at me it didn't count
B) He's Serbian and to quote my manager 'that's just what those people are like'
So apparently I'm being an intolerant hate-monger for not wanting to listen to his shit.
(danthegpi, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 8:50, 4 replies)

I mean that's just harsh....

( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 7:57, Reply)

Oh, and another one..
Near the local pub where I used to live there is a school for the blind, I used to drink with one of the ex-pupils, great guy..anyway, one night a few of the older students were in and were playing pool, and a mate of mine, John, walks in and puts his 50p on the table, and without thinking utters the immortal line..
"are you guys gonna be long?"
(smirker neverletmetellyabouttheraggamuffinbiznessandting!, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 7:26, Reply)

Classic quote from an American work colleague
A life long (white) resident of New Orleans

“Yeah, I’m a bigot.. but I’m an equal opportunities bigot”
.
.
.
.
“I fucking hate everyone….”
(smirker neverletmetellyabouttheraggamuffinbiznessandting!, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 7:23, Reply)

fear the red pen
an old flatmate of mine was a primary school teacher . She taught year 3 pupils so about 7 to 8 year olds.

One night i was sitting in front of the tv when she asked me to help her do some marking. Just a maths test with an answer key provided questions like 4 + 9 or 5 x 3 . " Just put the total in a circle at the top" even welgars brain can cope with this.

So i grab a pile and a pen and get to work being the nice guy that i am. After marking and totaling the paper i put it on the done pile only to hear a shriek "WHAT have you done ????"

"Erm iv marked the test . Sally got 16 out of 20"

"But you used a RED pen"

"So ?"

"It could scar them for life"

Apparently teachers are no longer allowed to use a red pen to mark a pupils work , it has to be a green one instead. Someone has decided that seeing all that red on a page could be construed as negative regardless if it is a tick or a cross.

Never mind that some of these kids had scores that could be added up using just their thumbs as long as its not in red thats ok. What difference dose it really make if you use a red or a green pen because 5 + 3 is not 17 either way.

What future do our children have growing up wrapped up in cottonwool like this?
(welgar, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 6:20, 4 replies)

????
What's with the altering of children's nursery rhymes, songs and stories so as to be politically correct?

Leave 'Baa baa black sheep' alone!
('O' She's my rolemodel!, Thu 29 Nov 2007, 0:01, 3 replies)

ohh I just remembered a great anecdote....
I was walking somewhere with my girlfriend when we were passed by a large group of blind people. For some reason she was staring at them wierdly (I think she was just curious as to why there were so many blind people walking around together) so I whispered "It's rude to stare". She replied, very loudly "Why? Its not like they can see us!?"

Oh god, I cringed as twenty odd blind folk all turn to stare unseeingly at us wondering why we were talking about them.

Eiry
(Roopy all is not what it seams, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 23:39, Reply)

Fairy Lady.
Once while out shopping with my dear old mum we went into a shop which was owned by people of Indian ancestry, there was an Indian woman in a saari working the till. After choosing a bag of Pretzel Flipz (a discontinued brand of chocolate covered pretzels really nice btw) I handed them to my mother so that she could pay for them (I was about 5 at the time). Just as my mum handed her cash to the shopkeep i uttered the infamous words...

"Mummy, why is that lady dressed like a fairy?"

Needless to say she never returned but I continue to give the shop my custom to this very day. (Out of guilt probably)

I hear you ask "How is that an example of PC gone mad?" It's not, this is just the best oppertunity I think i'll get to use this anecdote. LOL

Thanks for your time.
(chrisdood Why yes, I am the shizzle, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 23:04, 5 replies)

damn non-pc "winterval" lights
walking through glasgow with miss pirate wen she innocently starts looking at the "winterval" lights (i say winterval,we all know its christmas) wen she feels the urge to suddenly blurt out "oh my god rocknroll_pirate,that one up there looks like a huuuuuge gollywog!!" i gaze upwards and sure enough i was greeted by a festive light snowman that could definitely be described as gollywog-esque

unfortunately for us there happened to be a black couple walking in the opposite direction who then proceeded to glare rather angrily at us,dont see why really,if something looks like a gollywog it looks like a bloody gollywog and to hell with political correctness

but anyway rather than suddenly look ashamed for possibly offending someone what does my lovely girlfriend do,she laughs her head off so hard she needs to go to the bathroom

im so proud
(rocknroll_pirate had a dream involving holly willoughby and custard, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 22:47, Reply)

Mum's BF
Who NOW works in the local council. After 3 years of applying, is blonde, straight and white.

He said to me once that you can only get a job if you are gay, disabled and black to apply.

He is none of the above. He actually hates the job but as 60% plus of the so called workforce in this godforsaken country is either in Politics, the local Council or the NHS or doing something they have no accountability for, we're all fucked tax wise.

Prove me wrong ??
( Tiggy the diver, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 22:31, 1 reply)

"You can't say that!"
I work in a warehouse attached to a factory. The stores supervisor is a bit racist, but you can tell he doesn't mean anything by it. He just doesn't like anyone.

We get a lot of drivers coming in, and one of them is asian. He's a good laugh and is always joking with us, all in good fun, right?

Anyway, a few months ago, our purchasing manager (fat, stupid, useless) was sending her laptop back. She was over chatting with us, waiting for it to be picked up. The driver who turned up to pick it up was the asian guy, and he was talking to her. Jokingly, I said "watch him, he's a dark horse", meaning, obviously, that he probably gets many ladies, and not relating to his ethnicity in any way.

This prompted an exclamation from her "You can't say stuff like that!"

I was offended by this, and just to make sure I hadn't said anything wrong, when he came back with her laptop a week or so later, I told him of this, and he just laughed. The he said sometimes when he delivers parcels, he gets people saying "Is it a bomb?" and then getting all embarrassed, because they think they might have been racist.

Sorry it's not very funny, just if it had been offensive, surely he would have said something.
(stapleface, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 22:23, Reply)

Can't believe no-one's said...
Surely someone would have mentioned...
Pastafarianism. Hey, if they can claim they need special religious holidays, then I can claim that my deity, the Flying Spaghetti Monster has told me to pray to him down the pub every Friday afternoon.

OK, *why* not?

(If you have no idea what I'm talking about, see www.venganza.org/ for more)
(purplegod counting down for Christmas!, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 22:09, 3 replies)

Happy fucking holidays
It's holiday time in the US. We've just had Thanksgiving and Christmas is coming up.
So is Hanukah and a newly made up holiday called Kwanza.
Because of this, we are no longer allowed to say "Happy Christmas" on the phone. It's got to be "Happy Holidays".
I counterract this by refusing to answer the phone with the usual "Happy Holidays, this is company name, how can I help you" and just say what I always say.
Hah, that showed my boss.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 21:39, Reply)

pc preserves
When i was a wee boy i remember that a popular brand of marmalade was promoted by a mascot called a gollywog-i had a cuddly toy bearing its resemblance,these days said mascot is missing from promotional blurb.

As a wee boy i was innocent of any PC leanings-well you are when youre little
(shug, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 21:30, Reply)

Those Damned Injuns!
One time I was surfing the net when it came up with a page: "Connection has been reset". Then it said something about an Apache server not doing his job!
(Berzerker, Wed 28 Nov 2007, 21:28, Reply)