Things I have absolute power over.
1) Buying a wind-up radio and not winding it up.
2) Going out in the garden and pretending to mow my lawn but not actually plugging it in & making lawn-mower sound effects with my mouth so the next door neighbours think its turned on. After 4 hours of "mowing" and the grass still as long as it was at the start. Why would I do this? I haven't.
3) Painting a windowsill red, then putting my cat's food dish up there. Ooohh, unlucky red paws.
4) Laughing at people with AIDS. (I have chosen not to do this.)
5) Making a Powerpoint presentation about the levels of discomfort I would feel throughout the day if I had a massive shit at 7am and decided not to wipe my arse at all.
6) Fucking a Penguin biscuit. Impossible.
7) Not reading 'Dubliners' by James Joyce but telling people I have and it's shit, then telling them it's actually brilliant, then telling them I haven't read it at all.
8) Legally changing my name to Virginity Ballbag.
9) Going to visit my Nana in her residential care home and convincing her that the staff ARE stealing from her. Fun.
10) Farting.
11) Not farting.
12) Discussing nominations with other housemates. Naughty.
13) Bluetoothing photos of all the shelves in my house to complete strangers.
14) Making sex noises at a vicar.
15) In new company talking in a slightly more pronounced northern accent than my actual northern accent, then suddenly dropping it and talking in my actual accent. Omid Djalili is so funny. And fat.
17) Missing out number 16.
16) Putting in number 16 after all but after number 17.
4) Numberwang.
(Andrew Avetoom, Sat 10 Jul 2010, 10:52, 3 replies)

Thats wangernumb!!

(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Sat 10 Jul 2010, 11:00, closed)

I love you.
(The Ghost of Stephen Foster, Sun 11 Jul 2010, 23:16, closed)

I, too, love you.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 13 Jul 2010, 10:19, closed)